The words are blind
The sights divine
Thoughts unheard
Feelings untold

She was afraid
Afraid to live
Afraid to smile
Afraid to try

It was hard to breath
Her heart palpitating
Her hands shaking
Her mind overtaking

Felt like a nuisance
A blur of emotions
Forever a burden
An unlikely acquaintance

It was hard to breathe
She couldn't see
The words were pouring
Her thoughts appalling

What do you say
To a girl so grey
Not sad, not happy
Some freak in between

The voices were screaming
Her mind unwilling
to let her sanity be
demanding to be set free

Alone and lonely
Her thoughts, "If only…"
How does she deal
with herself so cruel

The things she's said
The decisions she's made
The hearts she breaks
The smiles she fakes

So terrified of life
So fearful of sacrifice
Her heartbeats slowing
Her breathing shallowing

Her silent goodbye
went unheard
Her shortlived life
So full of hurt

♥

There are those days when the moon shadows the sun
and we fall into an insecure darkness for a minute or two in the middle of the day

A cycle of grief
A bellboy greet
Tell me again when did I have my last drink

The nights where the silence is the loudest sound
and your feet are lead when moving seems like the worst thing to do

A weight on your shoulders
A reminder of sins
When was the last time I could breathe calmly

The days where the sunlight is muted
and every smile is a grimace paired with forcefully shoving down desolation

A lump in your throat
A blanket of solitude
God, I feel so alone

The year passes in a blur of heartbreak
and every intake of air is more difficult than the last

A tight chest
A sick feeling
I can't keep doing this

Everyday he sits on his throne
unaware and absorbed in himself
overlooking all that was unknown

The riches and remarks
were all he cared for
The spoken words and whispered scandals

He never saw what his subjects could see
his broken children he left to be

His youngest child
cried herself to sleep
wanting and aching
for Daddy's company

His two sons
tried to stay strong
but inside the hurt
for oh so long

His eldest daughter
turned to sharp blades
and flowing rivers
that streamed red

His highness sat
on his velvet throne
overlooking the richest kingdom
but forgetting his own

She was the type of girl
who tried her best to love
but recieved none in return

He was the type of boy
who didn't care for much
who didn't crave any touch

She was the type of girl
who place dandelions in her room
to remember that one day
everything would fly away

He was the type of boy
who rode motorbikes by choice
the thrill of the risk
to be close to Death's kiss

She was the type of girl
who had a firm grip on insanity
and often gave way to reality

He was the type of boy
who believe in the realistic roads
and never thought twice about ghosts

She was the type of girl
who didn't believe in choice
but believed in broken toys

He was the type of boy
who rode around all night
looking for misled fights

They were soulmates
But they didn't know
Passing each other in the hallway
Because they thought no one
could understand their pain

Goodnight
and one night
it will be the last night
Goodnight

The moon will see
Just how painful it's been
to be so much of myself
to be me

The stars will shine
and stand for all the things
I've always wanted to be
but will never have been

Goodnight
the clouds will cry
or the air will dry
And I will sleep eternally
forever

Have a goodnight
for tonight is the last night
It's the night I die

The reason why I'd like to die
is relatively simple
ranging from the tragedies of life
to the crumbling candles

It should hardly come as a shock
because I am highly insignificant
My time ought to be up like a clock
and my crowd of sycophants

The reason why I'd like to die
ranges from love to lies
All these tears I've already cried
for my own untimely yet timely demise

We are looking for reasons to look at each other
Like the rain wasn't already enough to incite our souls
Like the oceans weren't vast enough to make us question
"What exactly are you trying to avoid?"
"What exactly are you running from?"
And our need to find exact representations of what we are trying to say
when the weight of the darkness is heavy and the pressure in the air
like the tension in our lungs isn't already enough
Because describing the ocean without considering
rapid currents and forces pulling us in the direction
that drives us away from one another
Walking in silence trying to avoid the clump
in our throats when the nothingness of all things is aching
Reaching out but not searching hard enough
not looking at the longing like it's the only thing holding us together
"What exactly do you want?"
"What exactly are you trying to fight?"
When you're close to what you want and you're separated
by blistering tornados that want to blow you into smithereens
Like you hadn't already tried running only to realize
you were running from yourself and your secrets
Thinking that maybe you weren't trying to convince yourself
of things that you're not even sure you understand
Because understanding means letting go of
the things you never once believed until now could be yours
"Where exactly will you go?"
"What exactly do you want to see?"
And the exact measurements the seamstress
tried to tell you about burn your eyes
The stinging in your hands and the burning
of trees isn't going to reduce the danger factor
in looking for cracks in fine China
STOP RUNNING.
STOP RUNNING.
"Do you have anywhere to go?"
"Do you have anyone to run to?"

(m.e.)

There was a table
a lone table
where she sat
with her group of friends

One day, one left.
Another day, another left.

From the group of friends
it became a duo
from the duo
she was left alone

And still
there she sits
there she waits
hoping one would come back

But they never do
and she sits there still
because if she ever left
it would mean
she gave up on her friends

And she hasn't
not yet
because she still believes the best
she hopes they'll come back

There was a lone table
an empty table
with a girl
who had no one
but waited for everyone

I want that lampshade in the corner to cast away the ghosts by my side
I want your hand to be intertwined with mine at every possible point of time
I want to feel like the waves day and night with rising tides
I want to hold that photograph that captures you in the perfect light always
I want to have that imperfect love when everything is simply perfection
I want the winds to blow through my hair like I'm as carefree as it is
I want to expunge the tornados and hurricanes trapped under my skin
I want to be held like preserved fragile parchments from ancient oaks
I want to be taken like a possesion while being loved like an enthralled being
I want to feel the confidence of the flames in your eyes that still burn
I want to see the swirl of the myriad of colours labelled by digits undefined
I want to live and breathe like hummingbirds in the forest
I want to be wild and in danger; constantly threatened and protected
But most of all
I want you to find me
To cut through every hedge
that stands in between us
Find me

(m.e.)

I remember the haunting tunes
left in your wake
when you left so soon

I remember the soundless cries
from those who loved you
when they found, you died

I remember the empty cars
with words of splendor
but insincere hearts

I remember the selfish fools
who indulged in your love
then tightened your noose

I remember the radiant smiles
you once shared
when you were by the River of Nile

I remember the beating heart
you once had a pleasure
of having until you did part

I remember my love for you
so pure and wonderful
now haunting yet true

I remember when I was alive
but that was only because
I had you by my side

Death was inevitable
but it came too soon

Death was irreversible
something I couldn't undo

I give you my word
that I am far from alright
these things of the Past
haunt me each night

I feel like I'm dying, from the inside out and i am constantly aware that it's happening but i can't feel it because it hurts too much.

Embers burn and they burn out. That's what the pain will feel like. The embers burning at their peak. But eventually, they burn out like candles blow out. And that's what moving on from you feels like.
It feels wrong and unfinished. It feels unnatural. Like a growth, a mass, a tumour. Like a halfway-paved walk or an unfinished sentence.

But my memories of you will never be chipped from my mind like slamming a ceramic mug onto the tabletop. You've ingrained yourself in every ****** movement I make and I don't know how to make it stop. Because I don't want to forget. I can't forget. I need you because you make me feel real. You make me feel like I matter. And that's the worst thing you could've ever done to me.

Because when you walked away, I lost a huge part of me. I lost a chunk of who I was, who I could be.

"How do you feel?"
"Does it matter? It doesn't change anything."

Because that vacant look in your eye was the last memory of you that I have. The distance.

"Whether it matters or not is not the point."
"I love you."

Because the first time I said it, would be the last time you'd hear it. It's been 10 days since then. And 28 since you stopped caring. It's been 3 years and 4 months since we first met. But a day has not gone by when my heart doesn't hurt because you're no longer here.

You said that you'd never leave me.
And you lied.
You said you cared about me.
And you lied.

You said I could always count on you.
And you lied.
You said you'd never let me go.
And you lied.

You said you loved me.
And you lied.
You said I could trust you.
And you lied.

But I believed you.
I believed in you.
I believed because of you.
I don't know what to believe anymore.

A stumbling hurricane into a newly made up home.
I set roots and you tore me out of the ground.
I held your hand, and you let go.
I shouldn't have let you hold me on the way home.
I shouldn't have let you touch me when my heart hurt.

But I did.
I did and you held me.
I did and you broke me.

You broke me.

Swerving cars
Heavy rain
Dead bolted doors
"This is insane."

Rough hands
Untouched skin
0101010 binary
"This might as well be a sin."

Bitten nails
Flimsy smiles
Real laughs
"I could get used to this for awhile."

A thousand miles
Empty hands
Bloodshot eyes
"I didn't plan for this to end."

Careless screams
3 AM drinks
Smoke-filled lungs
"****, I think I'm in love."

The way your fingertips dance
Over my dry skin
And the way your lips demand
For more than a chaste kiss
It was how your eyes did nothing
To search for my soul
And how you whispered sweet nothings
Through a device so cold
But that warmth you give me
When your arm is wrapped around my body
And the way your laugh and smile
soothe my aching heart
and lift the sadness for awhile
The comfort and safety
You often provide
And my inability to lie
Even through that cold device
I hold you up so high
I just wish you could do the same
But I do not love
The way you say my name
The way you close your eyes
The way you pull away from me
No one is perfect
That I concede
But I often question,
"Why would you waste you time
with a girl like me?"
Answers were not your forte
You were the opposite of romantic cliches
I could pour my heart to you
And still you would ignore
Everything but your need
to constantly explore
The parts of me you could see
And not the ones I would let you reach
But it is enough for you
And that I would construe
And I will wait
And keep waiting
Though I know it could never be
For why would you waste your time
with a girl like me

(m.e.)

Since we were kids, they kept a chart to measure our growth in terms of the length of our bones to the weight of our skin. And over time, we stop measuring ourselves and start measuring our self-worth. So instead of measuring the density of calcium in our skeletal structure and the height from the base of our feet to our crown, we measure ourselves in words, and voices, and the way our eyes look into the eyes of someone else. We measure ourselves in the curvature of our features and the smoothness of our palms. We measure ourselves in the value of our things and the whispers we hear in our heads. And they stop trying to define us by our nature and start placing us in carefully labelled petri dishes for the right moral and chemical composition that we radiate through the way we walk and the bends of our spine and the number of times we blink in a minute. We placed words in our palms picked from a bowl of chance and they do not speak to us to measure our worth. They measure us by our use of multi syllable words and our ability to manifest sides to a view even though it all seems the same. They measure us by our dexterity in creating complex ideas to explain intimate details between the grass and the moon. They measure us by our capacity to absorb and apply and absorb and apply like sponges and liquified knowledge that come from theories  we made up to feel connected. They measure us by our longevity which they deem to be privy to the lifestyle they have taught us to lead. We measure ourselves by the deepness of our love and how we sometimes would rather have knives in our back instead of place one in anyone else's. They forget that we are worth so much more than numbers and sheets of paper. They forget that we sometimes stand on two feet so that we don't fall and not because we are fighting for our survival. We forget that sometimes what's inside is dead set on the idea of a short wick and that open windows are not portals to new lives. We forget that even though sometimes more is less, less is not more and never will be no matter how many times we scream to ourselves silently about the heaviness of the eyes on us. So we start measuring ourselves as bodies of water and throes of passion. We measure ourselves in the leaping flames and how far we would go to achieve the serenity we think we need. We measure ourselves in the storms that destroy our homes and whether or not we will be able to tear the buildings down without hurting a soul. They measure us by the degree of saturation of our face value souls and the colour of the bits of our hearts that they collected eons ago. They now measure us by the frequency of sounds we listen to and the irradiation of the electromagnetic spectrum on our skin as light reflects a different side. And short of tape measures and rulers, they try to measure our worth without hearing the voices calling out to them about who we really are that are trapped in the back of our minds. So tell me, what are you worth?

You won't want me at 5am when I'm crying because I want to fall asleep and not wake up later that day.

You won't want me at 6am when I'm silent and unmoving because I can't bear to acknowledge that I'm alive.

You won't want me at 7am when my breathing is shallow but my mind is screaming at me in my dreams.

You won't want me at 2pm when I am awake but not wanting to leave the sanctity of my bed.

You won't want me at 4pm when I finally convince myself the day has to start.

You won't want me at 7pm when I'm ready for it all to end.

You won't want me at 9pm when I lay in my bed making up stanzas of words for life to make sense.

You won't want me at 11pm when the loneliness has such a firm hold on me I feel suffocated.

You won't want me at 1am when the tears start to fall as I think of how much I can't stand myself.

You won't want me at 3am when my chest tightens and my heart is heavy while I miss someone who doesn't exist.

And again at 5am, the tears start to fall and I can't stand the pain anymore so I realize it in the form of lines on myself.

You won't want me.

Not now.

Not later.



Not ever.