How many breaths have I been deemed, from birth unto the grave?
How do I ascertain what to let go of, and just what I should save?

How will my emotions alert me as to when to laugh, or when to cry?
How many failures must I endure, until I decide to no longer try?

How many debts must I struggle to pay, before finally earning my due?
How am I to know my enemies, when even friends become untrue?

How am I to see the rainbow, with the sun right in my eyes?
How can I stand to believe again, after falling for the lies?

The house is quiet, except for the hum of the clothes dryer, which I started to make sure the tennis shoe my son soaked trying to remove the dog poo, was dry before school starts.

I can choose to spend these lonesome hours before all the others start to wake in any way I desire. And I choose to sit here at this computer and try to write a way into others' hearts.

The sun isn't quite up yet, but as soon as I start to see light break through my dining room window, I will be moving to the back deck, where I always, get to see a perfect sunrise.

And I can move back and forth, sometimes side to side, and if I feel like exerting the energy, almost even in a circle (almost), on my wooden swing,  with daybreak in my eyes.

It won't be much longer before the rest of the house wakes up, and I  begin all the daily tasks, like pouring cereal, putting the dogs outside, and trying to get the kids to do just what I say.

It's usually a panicked rush to find a missing shoe or bookbag, and changing shirts a couple times. This morning I did a few preliminary tasks to prepare. Glad I got up early today.

One day, certain, this world I shall leave.
And left behind will be some who grieve.

And to the ones who shed their tears,
Who graced me with so many years,

I say to you, find peace with my rest,
Please carry on;  live life at its' best.

For I return to where I was received,
Renewed forever, because I believed.

And though we may be parted my friend,
And the world alone you have to attend,

Find hope in knowing that even though we're apart,
We will meet again and I still live in your heart.

I can see just where I've been at any given time.
Where I'm going I have no clue.
And it's all because my head's just not on straight,
At least not according to you.

But instead of helping me twist it and turn it,
To get it back on the right way,
You said you needed some time to think,
And then you just walked away.

Call me when you get it all turned around,
Just like the way it was before.
Then, we can fix any problem together,
I mean..That's what true love is for!

Tell me......Will the morning... bring the expected rain?
                        And won't the anticipation of it ease some of the pain?

Tell me......Will tomorrows' grief... be too much to bear?
                        But if it's awaited, leave some grief to spare?

Tell me......Will the next mistake... be worse than them all?
                        But, if it's premeditated, won't it look rather small?

Tell me......Will the next sacrifice... be the ultimate one?
                        But if given early, then won't my will be done?

Tell me......Will the unavoidable tears... still be a mighty dread?
                        If some are cried prematurely, won't there be less to shed?

Tell me......Will I escape any... of the misery- filled future lot?
                        If I choose to feel it now, by then will I have forgot?

Tell me......Is it better... to suffer heartache in its' time?
                        Or, perhaps, save some toil, and just break it in its' prime?

******* one more kiss, my love.
Pick me one more flower.
Watch with me one more sunrise.
Waste with me one more hour.

Read me one more bedtime story.
Cast me one more glance.
Whisper me one more secret.
Dance with me one more dance.

Write me one more love letter.
Flash me one more smile.
Sing to me one more love song.
Walk with me one last mile.

I once saw an old faded rocking chair,
On an otherwise empty porch.
Of an abandoned colonial -style house,
En route for a visit up north.

It moved just a tad, as if to whisper,
So I stopped for just a spell.
And wished that it could speak to me,
What stories would it tell?

Would it speak of simple innonence,
Unhurried times now gone?
But someone honked their horn at me,
And so I hurried on.

I hold tight to the inner core which is me.
It holds all my passion and all of my pride.
Too important and vital to let others see.
The center of all that I am and what I hide.

A possession of priceless value; component key.
To the opinions I hold and all choices I make.
I am unsure if I belong to it or if it belongs to me.
Enduring presence which no force can break.

Without it I would unguidedly wander,
Amidst others so aimlessly lost,
Its' asset I will never dare to squander,
I have no desire to know the cost.

Purposelly given for me; and not to share,
And I will always hold it in the highest revere.
It's worth to me?; the world does not care.
I know it solely, and it soully to me..... is dear

Soul of mine, please come back to me.
I have missed you all of these years.
I admit it was I who abandoned thee,
Forsaking you because of my fears.

Soul of mine, please forgive me.
I meant to harm you not.
By ignoring you so subtly,
Until you were forgot.

Soul of mine, I have missed you.
Nothing else can fill your space.
No guidance to know what to do,
Since you left me in this place.

Soul of mine, I am begging you back.
And I know a long time has past.
You complete everything that I lack,
And without you, I'll never last.

It's very hard to leave a world,
Where everything was a lie.
And start over again elsewhere,
Without suspicion in my eye.

And everytime I see a sight,
Or overhear a lowered tone,
I just can't help but wonder,
If the truth was ever shown.

And in my chest I quickly feel,
My heart drop to my feet,
Always looking for more lies,
From everyone that I meet.

And even if I can not prove them,
I believe all the lies are there,
And they serve as a harsh reminder,
That it is better never to care.

And even if I have it all wrong,
And one has a heart that's true,
As long as I walk away quickly,
It will be like I never knew.

My pride and heart will remain intact,
As they always should be.
And I will be able to hold my head high,
"No one got the best of me."

Leave it to my very best friend,
To slap the silliness right out of me.
And with a few all knowing words,
Bring me right back down to reality.

I always heed her words of advice.
She has a better perspective than me.
And she pulls me back just a little,
When I stand too close and can't see.

And she offers a clear reminder,
Of the path that I pledged to take,
And to her I am forever grateful.
For saving me so much heartbreak.

She lifts me up so that I can see,
The bigger picture from up above.
And with that view I remember,
I'm not ready to fall in love.

She says there is a long road ahead,
With opportunities galore.
And I better not ever settle again!
Unless I am very sure!

To take my time, there is no rush,
Just have fun along the way!
And always give a hundred percent,
And the time will be right one day!

It used to be that you bared you soul,
Allowing all to see your delicate side.
But lately I sense a change in you,
A hostility deep inside.

I can't be certain it's really there,
Or if I am mistaken instead.
But by projecting bitterness,
You have rattled my head.

You have left me with no choice at all,
No choice at all ...and I must face,
The always real and rarely pretty,
Pain outside my space.

No, it's not all flowers and candy,
and flashy smiles all of the time.
And thank you for reminding me,
With another astounding rhyme.

So I as spend the rest of my day,
I will try to be much more aware,
That someone, somewhere sits alone,
With nobody else to care.

Don't be alarmed!
I have something to say.
Was wanting to inquire,
What you're doing Saturday?

Doesn't have to be this one,
Could be a week or two or so,
But I want to take you with me,
To a place I love to go.

It is a little bit out of the way,
And we may be out a bit late,
But I will drive while you relax,
I'm asking you out on a date.

I know "dork" is what you're thinking,
And I have to say I agree,
I promise you will make it to church,
We will have fun you will see.

It's one of my favorite places,
And I know you will like it too,
If you have sandals... wear em',
Let me know if it's good for you.

How is it that it seems for some,
All the words just come with ease?
With what appears no forethought,
Would someone tell me please?

And even if  hastily written down,
They blend just as if all along,
They were seeking all this time,
For each other, to form a song?

Tis' true there have been times for me,
When the words would easily flow,
With very little effort on my part,
Where they came from..I don't know!

And times like those it seemed as if,
Every noise and sight evoked a rhyme,
And I couldn't wait not even a second,
To get them written down in time.

But lately all the words are forced,
And I hopelessly, blindly *****,
To find the words to make a poem,
And this ......was today's last hope.

I have this special place I go,
     Each morning when I rise.
And watch the brilliant sun appear,
     Such pleasure for my eyes.

It beams between two branches,
     Each from a different tree.
That mingled many years ago,
     And here's what else I see..

Glimmering patterns of spiders' webs, spun...
     So carefully.
Beams of light on a moistened field, fall...
     So perfectly.

Many shades of green and yellow,
     Moss hanging from a tree.
The most beautiful place on earth,
     That is what I see.

I have this special place I go,
     Every morning I hold dear.
And listen to all of natures' sounds,
     So pleasing to the ear.

A variety of peaceful chatter,
     Some are far and some are near.
All the carefree birds and beasts,
     And here's what else I hear........

The cacophony of a thousand birds,
     Hoping new friends to make.
The ******* bark of a distant dog,
     Coaxing men to wake.

The frenzied crackles of leaves and twigs,
     As the squirrels play chase.
When I close my eyes and just simply listen,
     That's what I hear in this place.

I have this special place I go,
     No other I love as much.
Where I can take a needed break,
     And I can surely touch,

My souls' own piece of heaven,
     Where I can sit or I can kneel.
And have peace wash right over me,
     And here's what else I feel.....

A crisp, cool breeze to refresh...
     My mind.
The soothing warmth of the sun...
     So kind.

The occasional teasing,
     From a misguided bee.
Tiny hairs on my neck,
     Lightly tickling me.

An absolute serenity;
     Throw all my worries away.
There is no better way or place,
     That I wish to start each day.

Soon, the heartbeat of the world,
     Beckons me from this place.
And reluctantly I must turn to go,
      But with a smile on my face.

All at once change arrives and swiftly,deftly...  alters all.
Unprepared and caught off guard we struggle not to fall.

And facing the unfamiliar instills us all with fear.
Not knowing to expect a smile or to expect a tear.

And the things we held so close to heart and believed would never go,
Are now nowhere in our sight or reach, for change has made it so.

Yet we are still expected by society and nature in kind,
To plod ahead courageously, uncertain what we'll find.

And so the sun rises yet again, another morn, another day.
And we must rise right along with it, and head about our way.

Grasping out so carefully, for things, which we believe,
Time itself can never change, and things that will not leave.

And we hold them tight with iron grip, as close as close can be.
But once again change arrives and rips them away.... so easily.

And once our years have wisened us, we learn to take this heed:
Change can alter any moment and truly nothing is guaranteed.

I now believe in angels, sent from God, you see,
It became supremely evident the day you came to me.
All of your great qualities, they make you rise above,
Posessing only goodness,... faith -and hope -and love.

And I have never known before, a spirit that's so true.
And seeing your souls'  inner beauty, I long to be like you.
And though you are not "perfect", as no one here can be,
The mere fact that you WANT to be, is inspiring to me.

And when I am around you, my heart aspires to be,
Faithful and pure and genuine for all the world to see.
And I began to change myself, and look for a nobler way,
To live my life with conscience clear, "better" every day.

I wish to be a reflection of all your strength and truth,
And I can finally believe in life, as you are living proof.
And I am truly honored that God blessed me with you,
That he thought that I deserved to know a heart so true.

And I hope that you realize the purpose that you hold,
As I hear true angels in disguise, are seldom ever told.
But, I know, without a doubt, look close, you too will see,
A higher powers' infinite  plan brought you right to me.

I now believe in angels, since I have held your hand.
A gift from God sent just for me to help me understand.
And since I know it may be meant for our paths to turn,
I felt a need to thank you for what you 've helped me learn.

Am I allowed to waste my day?
Who gives permission anyway?
Can I skip all of the daily grind?
Wonder just what I might find.

A curtained room with little light,
A longing for day to turn to night.
A phone shut off and a locked door,
Six loads of laundry piled on floor.

Dishes overflowing the kitchen sink,
They can stay there, I know they stink.
Unmowed grass out on the lawn,
Fridge all empty cause food's all gone.

Knots from my sleep still in my hair,
Neglected boat just begging for care.
Unfinished deck, and bathroom a mess.
Today, to be honest, I could care less.

Am I allowed to waste my day?
Who gives permission anyway?
I can decide to skip todays' daily grind!
But what a mess in the a.m. I'm gonna find.

I am waiting patiently for the "feeling that they say",
Will strike me like a lightning rod and will not go away.
True love for the first time, ever , in all these years.
A soulmate made just for me, who'll quickly dry my tears.

Meeting you, I halted, feeling certain it would be.
For you have all the qualities I wish I had in me.
But it has been a while now and this "feeling that they say,"
Has eluded me once again, but,oh, how I wish to stay....

Here with you, even though, my knees don't often shake,
The comfort that you offer me, the peace from you I take,
Should I choose to sacrifice this "feeling that they say?"
So I can remain all settled with you for just another day?

Never having felt true love, my faith, is losing ground.
Banking all my hopes, on what others "say" the've found.
How much longer must I wait for this "feeling that they say?"
I want to feel it just with you, please take my breath away!

I'd like a clearer vision, of the truth this life does hold.
A rational perspective, distinct, like hot or cold.
With which to use in daily life to choose the wiser way
And tap into my soul's self worth, so I can simply say.

That which is before me, concerns me none at all.
For it is not within my power, I will not hear its'call.
And turn myself internal; focus only on those things,
Which depend on only me, and the peace this brings.

And find a calm serenity that has eluded me up 'til now,
Resolving to be the best I can,to myself I make this vow.
And in the quest for absolute happiness, I will find,
That all it takes, is to myself and others.. just be kind.

You appeared sturdy, stable, and  secure,
The day that we shared our first glance.
I knew all along your intentions were pure.
I never questioned, and just took a chance.

And for a long while you comforted me,
And wiped all of my hoarded tears,
But there was something I failed to see,
Your heart was full of grief and  fears.

You kept all your worries hidden inside,
Disguised so that I would not see.
And carried a smile alongside your pride
I didn't know that you needed me.

It seems that I awoke one day,
To a life I did not recognize.
And plodded forward anyway,
With desperate, frightened eyes.

To view the world afresh; anew,
With shaking hands and fear.
Strangers plenty and friends few,
No familiar hand to wipe a tear.

And teaching myself I trudged on,
Making all too often a mistake,
Until all my belief in me was gone,
And I had made my own heart break.

I had turned away those who were true,
Assumed they had a dark, hidden side.
And as in my past life, I trusted very few,
No one knows me because of my pride.

I could venture out and nomad roam,
And struggle for truth, not to falter,
But know I would still not find a home,
For my faithlessness just will not alter.

Your search has begun glorious, it's told in gossips' ear.
To seek out the soul of another, your vision crisp and clear.
There are just a few warnings I think that you will need.
But they are not for the weak of heart, so listen and take heed.

The soul of any being lies very deep within,
Obstacles obscure it, dark secrets, hidden sin.
The path is steep and narrow, and immeasurably long.
And has weakened many spirits,who once were very strong.

It could take a lifetime, or maybe just a day.
Most say it's not worth it, wearisome, either way.
Of those who have attempted, few returned the same.
With pallor gone, vacant eyes, faith all dead, they came.

Yet still you wish to venture, set out upon this quest.
Remember, Caution as you go, I wish you all the best.
But know that after laborious journey, if you so yet attain.
The soul will hold no semblance of what you hoped to gain.

"Worthless waste of space!"
"You thief of my fresh air!"
Useless to the entire world.
Drop dead! No one will care!

Can you feel the hatred baby?
The heated ache inside?
The pulse that beats incessantly?
The disgust I do not hide?

A soul that's non-existent.
No conscience left inside.
If not for jail time, baby,
I'd **** you for my pride!

Imagine an enduring torture,
And the pain that will ensue,
Cause Karma's got a lovely way,
Of catching right up with you.

I would rather walk a path of admitted ignorance,
Desiring of knowledge; than rest, in superior repose,
And seek out the "meaning of life" with exuberance,
Than hold company with one who claims he knows.

I would rather read lessons written by fools,
Who gained understanding in repeated mistakes.
Than listen to lectures from scholars in schools,
Who claim all -knowing, though no chances did take.

I would rather share some tea with a child,
Whose innocence inspires me to pray.
Than bread and wine with revered priest,
Whose hypocratic actions lead me astray.

I would rather discover beauty in a foe
And throw off my old regard,
Than unseemliness in a long time friend,
And assume new thoughts, marred.

You took a little piece of me, when you said," farewell."
And now that little piece of me, resides with you in hell.

But the rest, it is the best of me. Your soul, no one could save.
And one day I will sit in heaven, look down at you, and wave!

I was sure I held a certainty,
As sure as if I could touch.
Secure it would always be there,
And I treasured it so much.

I tended to it very diligently,
Acquired all the needed tools.
Followed all the instructions,
(Instructions written by fools.)

I nurtured it with loving care,
Offered all of the staple demands,
Listened to all of its' concerns,
Held it safely in both of my hands.

I presented it all, all of my own self,
Completely, not hoarding even a part,
Certain that the same care that I gave,
Would be returned in kind to my heart.

This delusion soon proved untrue,
And the effort I had given was denied.
I must have grasped it too tightly,
And the less I got, the harder I tried.

"I think I can still salvage this."
"Maybe I have misunderstood?"
For it was such a certainty.
I could try again. I should!

My good nature was overlooked,
My intentions; perceived wrong.
"That must be it! It had to be!"
Why would certainty say, "So long?"

I will send a letter just to make sure,
I will place just one more text,
No response? They weren't delivered!
Now what should I do next?

It can not be that I'm being ignored,
When I have given my best.
Then the words that burned like fire,
"Please just give it a rest."

I long for understanding,
To ease my spirits' mind.
And search so hard for answers
That I will never find.

And now I've been forgotten,
So forgotten I shall be.
Hoping soon that the reason,
Won't matter much to me.

And move on with the knowledge,
That there is no certainty.

In me you will find no sympathy.
No outreached hand, no empathy.
No ear for one who lost by own hand.
Not even an interest to understand.

That your life is not going so well,
How many sad stories you have to tell,
How misfortune crept into your life,
You want help with all your strife?

Sorry friend, but don't look here.
I have heartbreak of my own to cheer.
Sad stories of my own I hide,
Past mistakes of my own inside.

And you will not hear ME ask for aid.
For this is my bed - that I have made.
As you made yours' , it's on YOUR chest.
Sweet dreams, my friend, enjoy your rest!

I have friends with whom I share,
great poetry and verse.
And friends I visit taverns with,
to drink with and to curse.

And friends with who I share a passion,
for music and for art.
And also those, just like me,
kindred spirits of the heart.

Some, I will call, when I am down,
and weary from lifes' run.
Some, I long to just gift a smile,
before every day is done.

Some, who seem to need my presence ,
to heal such a simple pain,
Some whose smiles touch my soul,
and shelter me from rain.

Some who like the same wine as me,
some coffee and some books.
Some who care little of possessions,
some who are all into looks.

There are some with whom I share a movie,
some I respect their great advice.
There are some who are simply pure genius,
and others; .... not quite so wise.

From professions, they all do differ,
no occupation is the same.
Most of them have no mutual liking,
but two...they share a name.

No. Each friend, has naught the others',
unique fortune, skills, or fame.
But I endear each to their own,
and treasure them all - the same.

The rational connection of mind to heart, fails;  amidst oppression.
And selfs' own sake will hide away, concede;  deny expression.
As I, now, twisted internal, seeking within, my fill.
For famine of mankinds' virtues, beckons me to my own will.

To draw upon my minds' well waters, reason every discourse thrown,
But are these resolves born true? Is this slant really my own?
Or some opinion, stole in past, from man with noble name,
Or truly this, my own wit? But impressed, are they not the same?

Though  life revealed foe, of friend; the spirits' urge will still attend.
And Hope; unbound, ever present, dwells; unfaltering, fervent to end.
And Faith, oh Faith, clings on, clings on;  amidst war and grief, despair.
Such as a moth to a miniscule light, when the beam is no longer there.

Though I have no mortal hand to clasp, no steps in tune to compose,
Behold, Hope and Faith still wander inside,  and outward, in my prose.
And what of Nature? I'll tell you. Possession of a freedom I full own.
No enemy, traitor, nor judge can claim the memories I have known.

The majestic crystal sparkling, of tiny buds on trees.
When noon is at its' highest, clear day on summers' eve.
Deafening quiet, stillness yet, of brook in land, far, near.
Where all alone, I gathered pebbles, and threw to spring so clear.

To sit and almost ponder, paths foreborne, foregone and chose,
Then too pensive, outcast those thoughts, minds' purpose opted close.
And stared, vacant, purposeless; to focal point, of what?, unsure;
Oppression could not enter there; for nature and heart were pure.

And dear sweet wind to hydrate, the thirst; sunquenched,  my skin,
Yet not too fierce or frequent, that would be appreciations' sin.
Clouds, course set  by own accord, frolicking, playfully, with the sun,
Flit over, near, under, and back, and then softly, become just one.

And behold, grey cloud, rumbling, with precipice; this is natures'way,
To alter sky and mind inspire;  grant seasons within the day.
And rain; higher powers' solace, to cool, to heal, to renew,
Sparkles more grandly at times by far, then sun on the morning dew.


May life impose upon my heart, oppression, body frail, dreary cope,
It shall not ever wrench the hold of Nature, Faith, and Hope.

Some turn without a  single glance,
Without a second thought.
With no regret to ponder on, no
Uncertainty or doubt.

Some leave with half- heart twisted.
Best to stay or best to go?
Tentatively moving onward,
Small tear they hate to show.

But I, I leave with grasp so tight,
Hearts' fingers can not pry.
I leave choking, sobbing, begging,
Don't let this be goodbye!

This one I love,
I love with smiles.
He laughs with me.
We've walked the miles.

This one I love,
I love with rest.
His sturdy shoulders,
are the best.

This one I love,
Respect is due.
He gives great advice,
On what to do.

How can I choose just one of these loves?
When each has traits the others lack?
And the one I found with all of the above,
Sadly , does not love me back!

Heart!
With your dull, throbbing core!
Cease this yearning!
Cease this unrelentless hunger!
Cease this irrational ideation!
Ever increasing, heartbeat by heartbeat!
Each one beating harder, heavier, more powerful than the last!
Proceeding! Proceeding! Proceeding!
Repeating! Repeating! Repeating!
Thumping! Thumping! Thumping!
Beating! Beating! Beating!
Dictator!
Heart!
End this insanity!
Ere I cut you out myself!

Pick wise your memories!
We can't retain all.
For our brain's capacity,
Is ever so small.

Make light of heartaches,
Embrace love, banish hate.
For our heart's capacity,
Is ever so great!