There is this fear and I know I shouldn't and I know I should have faith and yet it is still there.
Blinding and gripping me tightly as I try to gaspingly yank with every fiber of my being to get away bc I am not worthy. the illusion that one day I'll crumble and let your sweet sunlit face saunter over like a dove and whisper to me that I belonged there all along makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Why do I believe I don't belong? Do I? You say I shouldn't have this fear that it is the fear that will ******* me in the end and that if I believe I belong then so I shall. I **** myself off to still in knowing that I do and should belong that feel I don't. That I fear i wont. God, I just want to be the person you knew I would be when you created the beginning of me. I know I'm not there and I'm scared I will never be. What is your plan for me? Am I on the right path? Am I even close?

There is a gust of silence
            Outside my window
                Calling my name
                Wondering how much
                .               I'm missing you.

I close my eyes-hard.
Nostrils flare with each long drag.
Please don't hurt me.
Instead of rage slapping me across the face, soft thick fingers clasp under my chin and lift my head upwards.
I dare to peak.
Trauma-strung fears force my body to shake unintentionally.
His eyes are dark and cold, his jaw tense.
I stop breathing. Force my throat to swallow.
His lips part and I flinch in preparation of a good scolding.
His thumb traces my bottom lip then swiftly drops his hand to my neck and grasps it firmly.
My eyes widen-my body-my mind freezes.
He moves in for the ****- presses his soft devil lips against mine.
My heart stopped beating.

When man,
enters woman,
like the surf biting the shore,
again and again,
and the woman opens her mouth with pleasure
and her teeth gleam
like the alphabet,
Logos appears milking a star,
and the man
inside of woman
ties a knot
so that they will
never again be separate
and the woman
climbs into a flower
and swallows its stem
and Logos appears
and unleashes their rivers.

This man,
this woman
with their double hunger,
have tried to reach through
the curtain of God
and briefly they have,
through God
in His perversity
unties the knot.