many illegal substances
have coursed through my veins
but the one that's killing me
can be bought totally legally
at any gas station
while legal drug lords
bathe in the spoils
made out of me
and this pack of
Turkish Royals

I prefer to smoke alone
blow away the jabbering,
the drone of the fan
mixing together, making
my knees jump.
outside by myself
with no need to say
inconsequential things or
retell a story once over.
the quiet hugs on like a sweater
or a hand knit blanket
the stars' vacant stares
speak of car crashes
of heads and windows
of hospital elevators
the wind brings along with it
an office bedroom
and 400 miles from home
if that is what I can call
what's left of my life there
then the smoke stays in my hair
to repel anyone trying to get
close

Like a plague they spread
out through the valley,
the shining field consumed
by war machines and beasts
lead by a vile horde,
half-human, cruel grins and shouts
as bile falls from their mouths

jeans soaked through,
clinging to skin and sweat
beaded, dripping past my brow,
grey slosh seeped into shoes
that won't be dry by morning,
when I cram them back on,
trudging, soon after dawn,
to resume the routine,
prep unbelievable amounts of food,
clean never ending stacks of dishes,
growing suspicious that this is it,
life after school,
just grinding myself to bits,
so when I finally get a day off,
all I want to do is sit, and pretend  
I don't exist.

Lately I just
               sit
               in    silence

Holiday jingles jangle faintly
behind the soup of conversation.
Occasional laughs, clacking dishes,
the sizzle of eggs hitting the heated grill.
It's as if a cosmic wind
swirls in, group after group,
toward the front counter, passed the coffee,
to settle them each at a table,
then a little later, up and on to their respective places,
school, work, the air port, to some other destination.
Meanwhile, the wind passes me by,
forgets to tug me toward destiny,
forgets I want to fly.
Instead, I pick myself up
and walk myself outside.

When I set sail for times of old
I see a vision, my friend set in stone
his spirit free to roam on the wind
as my days are past I'll see you again

My eyes are raised up to the sky
A final farewell for you who have died
I'll raise the flag, hoist it with pride
if only to honor my brother whose died

When we're so lost in this whirlwind of pain
I feel you still, our tears fall like rain
Hold your head high, even when crippled and lame
This world without you is never the same

Glass, shattered, scattered,
blasted over the concrete.
A forgotten ketchup packet,
never knowing the sweet release
of being squeezed over fresh fries.
Bricks printed with names, donors,
good deeds in memory.
A bustling street, not crowded,
but busy, whirling and rushing.
The occasional feet, sport-shoed
or slippered, or booted,
crunching past the shattered glass.

It's been four days
**** free
only had one respectable beer
for the flavor
already feeling upbeat
new melodies
pour from my finger tips
instead of alcohol
into a cup to forget existence
I must have been such a fool
for so long
good riddance

Wind swept through the courtyard
            blowing
                                   ­          dust
                            around
                         ­                                                            .
For now, dust is
                              enough

                                                                ­.

You asked about the tattoo,
taken aback when it wasn't attached
to my two year, too much, relationship.
That's all I gave but you persisted
so the explanation that most people's guesses
missed it,
led to the part that no one fits in my heart,
and when they do
the same spot on my left arm will have a fresh,
brand new,
tattoo.

Grandma's on her death bed
while father's in Dallas
burning in the heat that is
well known for Texas
I know that I can't make it
and even if I did
she wouldn't remember me
or even worse she'd think I was Jerry
but grandpa departed a few years ago
I know, I know
it's what happens when you're old
yet I still recall
when she walked me to horses
and we fed them carrots
the old house and back porch
the dog and the heavy door
bells on shelves
and how it's all gone to hell
hey Grandma
I miss you

I miss you in the morning
when the sun peaks through the blinds,
I miss you in the afternoon
when I'm working all the time,
I miss you in the evening
when I close my weary eyes.
All I want is to tell you I love you,
to hold you through the night.

I fall in love everyday
it's staying in love
I haven't figured out yet
.
.
.

Do we got ghosties
up in hurr?

I just want to
live in the lazer lights
And breath in
the thumps of the bass

I think we forget
that we are on one simple planet
racing through  space
just a rock
just a glorified rock

I fall in love
with people that fall
out of reach
my hands grasping
fighting to hold
that which can't be held
fleeting brushes of hope
that, over the years, hold
my heart down
and dry up my tears
to make those around me
nothing but ghosts
I'm caught up in
loving
I'm caught up in
loving

clean sheets
straight-out-of-the-laundry clothes
a cool wind
sighing through the window
these are the quiet moments
of the world
that I yern to share
to gently
swirl my fingers through hair
feel bare back to my skin
trace veins in shoulders
but it always seems like
I tell myself
"When you're older Dan
when you're older..."

If 50 percent of people
can make a mistake
about something so
wonderous and beautiful
then I don't want
to be told the odds
for
me...

I've been walking myself all over these tracks
so I can get back
so I can get back but no one's helping me out
I put my foot down, done with this
I only have one wish

If you find me
when you get there
will you let me right back
into your life?

I've been turning my back on all of my past
to try and find myself somehow
but I can't figure it out
at all

so If you find me
when you get there
will you let me right back
into your life?

I don't like to mention them much
give reminiscenice to the sight
of the sharpness and leaky cuts
that decorated my thigh
a place where no eyes
could uncover the marks
no lover to question the fresh lines
while exploring in the dark
but tonight while changing
underwear
bare
I could see the fossils
the raised white skin
tear ducts perspired
realizing I'm just as tired as when
I began to make them,
those little rips in my
happiness

I like 40's
you like 40's
we should drink 40's together
40's ounces of malt liquor
a couple sips and I be feeling better
once I got one down let's crack another
let's drink some 40's together

home from work
(I guess it's home now)
everything is still with my music up
I can't hear the sirens or engines
revving and roaring ever on and on
feels strange to not move
to not have something to do
but think and think
deeper and deeper
prying until I find
just how little
I am

Irish, a little girl,
escapes out a window
into a downpour.
She laughs with her hands up,
trying to catch each drop,
until her mom bursts out,
yelling, pulling her back.
The courtyard is still
except the rain
and muffled shouts,
"Why do you do this, Irish?
Why do you do this to me?"

I think plants live in slow mo
when we walk by
it's just a shimmer
like the last tendrils of a ghost
lazily dissipating in the night

I'm not sure where I stand,
or if I'm even in the same room,
as him
to her
I might be on the curb
burning my fingers
with cigarettes smoked to the ****
waiting on a new face
to pick me up
and take me for a spin
teach me how to hold hands again
peel away the lamenent
call me human and
drive
drive
drive
far from all the hurt
till it doesn't matter
where I stand
with
her

There's nothing that I'd like more
than seeing your face on the billboards,
knowing that you made it some how,
and found a way to get out.
'Cause to me you are always so much more
than what people give you credit for

the street was my mattress
the sky my sheets,
dreaming of a car roaring
and squishing me
but for all my honesty
still death I cheat
I want to leave.
please Reaper, please
ride your midnight stead
scythe over shoulder
dead flame and worn teeth
grab hold my shoulder
split the earth
pull me under
split the earth
let me sleep

the highway lanes began to spread
like my veins, full of life
criss-crossing, bobing, weaving
and my heart began to pulse
so **** fast
faster than the cars that passed me
going eighty, cruising
driving a little reckless
despite having my whole life
packed in the back
of a ten foot Uhaul
everything I own bouncing
up and around
while heat waves
swam from the ground

That's when it really sank in
everything I've grown to know
is changing

Hey Eddie,
       where are you tonight? I'm outside and my body aches. My feet are frozen too. Do you hate my cigarettes? I'm sorry I'm weak sometimes but I think you understand. I still haven't felt you, maybe once on the hill, but I live in Long Beach now. Not close to the hill or your home or our streets. Crazy huh? It's a long way from where I thought we'd end up. Do you remember how much you liked sushi? I had some today. It tasted like the river and the rope swing. I wonder if you would recognize me. I'm a mess Ed, a mess. I'm posting this on some website in hopes that it finds its way to you. I'll write it down too, then burn it over a mountain so the ashes might meet with yours. I don't know. I'm tired, so tired. Hey Eddie, where are you tonight?

She whispered while we lay
"I don't regret anything"
which brought forth a chuckle
from my gut
"So I'm not a hated heartbreaker?"
"No...I just wish you would try"
I sigh
200 miles is to far for a man like I
despite the ability to drive or fly
I made up my mind long ago
distance is a poison
that causes all relationships
to die