someone once told me,
"you're not one for drinking"
but there's a beer in my hand
because I've gotten sick of thinking
rather wake up with a twist
in my stomach
Oh, how was I to know
that highschool holds heartbreak
how was I to know
that college does too
no one ever told me
that home is not a place
it's a feeling inside you
which sometimes gets erased
these words taste sour
let's face it
I'm
hurting

None of this seems quite
                                    right.
I heard it starts around this age
I might just have lost it.

We pull on blue nitrite gloves,
doctors paid in seeds and tea-candle light.
Our medical equipment has black and orange handles,
a serrated blade, a metal loop, a potato peeler.
Our patients wait boldly with no pain killers.
We plunge in our blades and saw
a lopsided circle with a jag,
then tear the whole piece up,
stringy brains follow.
This operation has no set procedure,
just simple pleasure,
a lost tradition
now remembered.

You can be happy
if you want
to.

It's 2:00 AM
Smoke halos ring
my head
a split second of death
till they break with my breath.
Sleepless, dreams retreat
at the sight of me
flit in and out of the light
whispering,
"You're going to have
another one of those
nights."

it all occurs way too quickly,
moments flicker with every
little death, every time I fall asleep,
between shifts is an eternal rift,
gobbling down searing green numbers
that stare from  the oven,
as if whispering, "your times 'a coming,"
when I  next wake up
will I be forty-five?
will I even be alive--

So I slow mo time flow by
getting my mind blown,
each second feeling vital,
their veins pulsing with a solution,
an intangible answer,
I have only to ask
the right question...

This one's for you pops
because I know you'd love it
eh em.
I seen the galaxy fall in on itself
painted on a shelf, when I was twelve
Now I hear kids crying and think of myself
maybe I missed a thing or two
just blanked it out
you and mom, late nights, wines, shouts
hoping I don't follow your stream like trouts
do their whole **** lives.
I remember the drives though, where you
wouldn't come back, wait, wait, still not back
heart attack, run away and grab the sleeping bag
but I wish I couldn't remember that,
left me a little broken, dad.
Don't worry though, I'm fixing
on the mend, erm, but about that college
yeah I'm not really in....
That thousand bills you spilled for my birthday,
spent it on flight lessons and sorbet.
It's up to you if you want to support meh,
cause I'm getting along fine without it anyway.
That won't all make sense to you
but hell,
I guess this was really just another one
for myself.

Your lips hang,
pulled by the murk, the grime,
smothering your face.
Separated from your kind, your kin.
Have you haunted these putrid waters,
patient for your time?
Or do you plot, terrible dreams of revenge,
to take the light?

Suddenly its been more than a year,
wait, holdonaminute,
There it goes--
It glows with a golden aura,
I coulda' sworn I'd determined to hold on to it,
jotted it down, photographed, videoed,
reminisced late at night.
It's alright, my tight grasp failed,
But it hasn't slipped through my fingers,
just drifted, calm, leaving a soft tingling on my arms,
then left me with a jolt,
a revolt against the turmoil that plagues me.
The future used to be dread, dead-ended
in routine monotony.
Now it has gotten me day dreaming fondly,
beaming in my sleep,
stretching toward it with fervor.
No wonder this year passed so quick,
it was just one tick
in the span of forever.

Four nights
swallowed up
four days

this last week
has me toasted and beat
sweatpants, same **** sweat shirt,
untied shoes on my feet
I dreaded every time I had go out
and cried with joy
each time I was back
in my
sheets

I've been riding my bike with the seat stolen for months. I've cut down the time that nicotine washes over
my gums to two times a day.
I'm on my way out to a four year
university for the second time
and reduced my drunkenness
to three days a week
it might be tongue in cheek to believe
I'm healed and ready to venture on
but I'm at least going strong despite
everything I've done and seen. My phone screen gleams with a fresh text
"Just for the record, there is nothing I
don't like about you." screen shotted,
only a hands reach away from my pocket, that text might as well be
in a locket

I've got this sinking
feeling in my chest
I hate to say I've got
to go
when we just
met

But I hope
you know
That if I
controlled the clocks
I'd set them back
so I could
spend the time
I wish I had
with you.

Tomorrow I present a story to class
about a man who cremates himself
they will
ask if he is a reflection of myself
I'll have to nod my head slowly
taking in my fill
of "why's he so grim" and
"his mind is so ugly"
but I describe death
better than anything
I'm sorry for the horror story
that is
me

I'm a wreck
I'm ******
I stare in the mirror wishing it was
a truck
I want the headlights
in my blue eyes
I want to sleep with her
in my arms tonight
******* it this *****
I'm friendless here
I'm drunk here
I'm faded and jaded
misplaced and disgraced
I want a fresh start
I want a new brain
With less thoughts and feelings
less staring at the ceiling
Lately all I can imagine is Eddie
and Ryan and Alyssa
she hung herself
Ryan ODed
Eddie in a car crash
Grandpa Jerry in surgery
Grandma Cherry in her sleep
Grandpa Con soon after Eddie's retreat
Come on Death, give me a break
or give me a grave
or give me another beer
so I can disappear

Buttoned up
with no where to go

I've stayed at my mom's
an extra week and a half
because my car's transmission crashed
anxious to get back
but laying late in my old bedroom
which nibbles at me
filled to the brim with
eighteen years of my life
I start to cry, to pray
that the mechanic calls
and tells me it'll take him
a few more days

Like a plague they spread
out through the valley,
the shining field consumed
by war machines and beasts
lead by a vile horde,
half-human, cruel grins and shouts
as bile falls from their mouths