All this time I keep trying to find myself...
Still stuck and lost.
So I end up wearing this mask...
Pretending that I don't even try anymore...

But to be honest...
It's still horrible....
I guess I'm the problem....
never been family, friends or people...
I'm probably strong enough to not get affected by those above...

But...

I still feel lost.
I still feel faithless.
I still feel suffocated.
I still feel afraid.

I just seem like I don't anymore...
but I'm still scared of the dark.

It's just that...
I'm scared if I probe too much,
I'd get punished.
I'm scared if I peeked too far,
I'd get dragged down, again.

Darkness is scary....
you get pulled down into it.
It's one endless pit,
you only fall...
fall... and fall.

Then splashing black paint,
scribbling till the pencil broke...
nothing helps either.

Reading...
Watching movies....
Well I could run away for a little while...
Then when the stories end,
I feel crazier than before.

" What am I doing with my life? "
"Who the **** am I? "

I don't even know what I'm saying because
It's so **** hard to explain....
It's like how sometimes...
You just can't put pictures into words....

It's just a confession...
at 3:45 a.m.

— c.s wondering

People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams
because they feel that they don’t deserve them,
or that they’ll be unable to achieve them

I wish
I was
Stronger
So I could
Carry
Not just
One
But the
Both
Of us

I'm choking on my own fake halo
I'd never be truly good
But mama wants her girl tamed
I resign, let it be.

I'm drowning in my own oceans
I'd never be truly free
But they want the girl lovely
I resign, let it be.

*I resign, let it be.

Because I don’t live in either my past or my future.
I’m interested only in the present.
If you can concentrate always on the present,
you’ll be a happy man.

You’ll see that there is life in the desert,
that there are stars in the heavens,
& that tribesman fight...
because they are part of the human race.

Life will be a party for you,
a grand festival,
because *life is the moment we’re living right now

Looked above the heavens
Looked for the man who put us here
Looked at my tears flowing down
Looked at the blood flowing out

****** in a deep breath then....

Looked at the starry skies
Looked for the brightest star that's probably dead
Looked at the drawings on my desk
Looked up the ceiling....

And wished for salvation...
And wished for an angel....
And wished to find a direction...

Save me please,
I'm looking for you.

— c.s wondering

grasp my soul
catch my breath
touch my rotten skin

& there lies a glistening blade
have it then slice my skin

or carve sweet-nothings
on the tip of my tongue
then throw rocks at my pretty mind

for the horrible pain you inflict
equates to treasured gold

well, at least you bothered

(c.s)

autumn evenings
falling leaves
& warm sunshine

here we sit
by the window
sipping tea

with me in your arms
and books on my lap
four and a half sachets of sugar
poured into my tea

with a disgusted face
you hold you breath
and drink it all down

oh if i didn't love you
I'd pour it all away
and we kissed
till night
and till dawn

and time was frozen

with swift movements
and a single sweep
he pushed the blade into her chest

she stared
she stared
she yelled

he smiled back
and said,
you fell for me

she screamed
she screamed
then pushed the blade in deeper

and her last words:
I fell for you
now let me end
my foolishness and misery

he cried.

c.s

and with the pull of a trigger
the deafening silence of a click
everything came to an end

flames ignited
and it was pure chaos
goodbye world.

c.s

the sapphire blue
of the ice inside her soul
slowly melted
bit by bit

as he took her hand into his
the warmth radiated throughout
the whole of her being
she had never existed so brightly

her eyes
they shone so bright
her lips
they curled into a smile

maybe i can finally be loved
she mumbled
as the last of the icicles
melted into the last water drop
that dripped onto the pool of water

c.s

Tonight, when the moon goes into total eclipse...
The past & the present shall be entwined

Tonight, you could go back to the period you want...
You could change history

" But I'd rather stay right beside you now ... "
You mumbled under your breath,
A warm tingling sensation on my skin

— c.s wondering

This is not a poem;
This is an artist screaming to be heard in the abyss of life's harshest realities.

This is not romantic;
This is an artist learning to to be in love with her very self.

All this years, I have been trying so hard to create a person I could love.

Little did I realize, what I was looking for has always and-
will always be within me.

I think I've learnt to love myself.
I think I'm finally free.

This is a poem;
This is an artist screaming to be heard in the abyss of life's harshest realities.

This is romantic;
This is an artist learning to to be in love with her very self.

All this years, I have been trying so hard to create a person I could love.

Little did I realize, what I was looking for has always and-
will always be within me.

I think I've learnt to love myself.
I think I'm finally free.
I think-

— c.s wondering

her auburn curls
those hazel eyes
so very mesmerizing
they swore she was the one
on one cold winter night
back in December

they cradled her
and embraced her fragile body
but one thing left
they never remembered to do;
embrace her self

today was her sixteenth birthday
she blew the candles
everyone applauded
but one thing no-one did;
caution against the dark one

for tonight
the screaming demons
from inside her pale skin
they will be released
hell on earth
its existence will be more than
fractures of an imagination

whilst they immersed
people cheered
and laughed
till with a pull of the trigger
all's left the deafening silence
of a forgotten happiness

c.s

Words were all it took
for you to get me

Words were all it took
for you to break me

Words were all it took
for you to change my mind

Baby, you've got me good
& i think you know it.

Will you be mine for this lifetime?
I said yes
& suddenly a lifetime
went by in a passing month or two

I wish you’d cautioned me then
that lifetimes are
but short lived moments of false joy.

I wish you’d cautioned me then
that lifetimes are
but expiry dates set in stone
from the very moment we first met.

Yet, I still wish you’re the one
at least for this lifetime.

Then perhaps
we could still be
carefree teenagers
ridiculously
& hopelessly
in love,
as we once were.