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Jul 18 · 153
almost there
cs wondering Jul 18
we are not the same
i was falling apart
you were falling in love

we are the same
i was falling in love
you were falling apart

we are not the same
i found myself through us
you lost yourself through us

we are the same
i lost myself through us
you found yourself through us

just an inch closer
I'm almost there

oh, you've taken a new step

just an inch closer
we're almost there

oh, you've changed your mind

a mere inch it may be
but on parallel standings,
we're still worlds apart

that's okay
we were almost there

— cs wondering
Jul 18 · 61
between the lines
cs wondering Jul 18
solitude is the warm, afternoon sun
that shines on your skin
the kind that makes you feel
sleepy and lazily comfortable
the kind that makes you
doze off to a string of daydreams

solitude is the stale, cold air
that creeps through your open windows at night
the kind that embraces you
while you're tucked beneath your sheets
the kind that gets you restless
as you toss and turn to a string of thoughts

it is precisely the gap between
a knowing, comfortable silence and restlessness

i toss and turn,
i pace back and forth between silence and restlessness
i am at peace
yet i am at a state of unrest
i like solitude today
yet i also feel lonely tonight

am i at peace or
am i merely stuck in a state of nothingness?

are you at peace?
or do you merely dream of being at peace?

— cs wondering
cs wondering Jul 2021
I still remember how it felt when I first knew him.
I didn't always love him.
I thought him to be arrogant and cocky.
But endearing all at the same time.
He had this childlike, careless spirit.
I was less of an adventurer,
on the other hand.

But for some reason,
he made me feel awfully brave.
Dec 2020 · 242
Untitled
cs wondering Dec 2020
When you love someone
Sometimes you let them go
Dec 2020 · 198
Untitled
cs wondering Dec 2020
It’s funny you used to think I’m not affectionate
It’s funny you used to think I didn’t enjoy cuddling
It’s funny you used to think it’s a bonus if I touched you
It’s funny you said I love you first.

Yet today I cling onto every hope you give
And every touch you make.

The sequence is all messed up,
You loved me first
But I ended up loving you more.

Will we always remain on parallel standings?
Or will we eventually meet again?
Dec 2020 · 181
Left
cs wondering Dec 2020
I suppose the closest thing to love
That’s left between us now
Would be distance

I’ll let you go
In hopes that
You’ll come back home again.

Or maybe I’m not letting you go
I’m just letting myself hope.
Nov 2020 · 167
Yours
cs wondering Nov 2020
Will you be mine for this lifetime?
I said yes
& suddenly a lifetime
went by in a passing month or two

I wish you’d cautioned me then
that lifetimes are
but short lived moments of false joy.

I wish you’d cautioned me then
that lifetimes are
but expiry dates set in stone
from the very moment we first met.

Yet, I still wish you’re the one
at least for this lifetime.

Then perhaps
we could still be
carefree teenagers
ridiculously
& hopelessly
in love,
as we once were.
Nov 2020 · 132
Untitled
cs wondering Nov 2020
you’re awake
when I’m asleep

you’re asleep
when I’m awake

slowly but pretty surely
we fall into a pattern
called ‘familiarity’
Nov 2020 · 88
Just one thought
cs wondering Nov 2020
I wish
I was
Stronger
So I could
Carry
Not just
One
But the
Both
Of us
Nov 2020 · 95
Everything
cs wondering Nov 2020
I truly wish that
I could’ve been more
Than a mere insignificant being
You wouldn’t even blink an eye for

Or perhaps I wish that
I could’ve been more
Of a human you could
Bring yourself to love a little more

These thoughts inch
and poke away
At the foundation
I’ve built my sanity on
Especially more so
on these lonely nights

Where I sometimes think
I’m stronger than I am
But then think maybe
I’m less that I thought
And then I wish
I was more than just this

But why would it even matter?

When all I’m capable of is
having you face your back against me

And I’m nothing more than
a hollow shell of
the woman I used to be

And you’re nothing more than
the hollow shell of
the man I used to love

And yet despite all of that,
I still ******* do.
Nov 2020 · 115
Words
cs wondering Nov 2020
Words were all it took
for you to get me

Words were all it took
for you to break me

Words were all it took
for you to change my mind

Baby, you've got me good
& i think you know it.
Nov 2020 · 82
Easy
cs wondering Nov 2020
Eighteenth November,
I asked if he still loved me;
His eyes were cold
& seemingly devoid of any sort of love
he once felt for me

"I'm not sure if I still love you,"
"You suffocate me,"
"I'm sick of seeing you 24/7"

What was I expecting?

That very night, I cried to myself
& wrote a four-paged letter.
It smelt of whisky and cigarettes
But even more so like a breakup with myself.  

Nineteenth November,
I watched him as he slept;
He’d looked as endearing as he’d since day one.

"I love you," he mumbled half-asleep.
"Can we not fight anymore?" I half-begged.
"I'm sorry, please don't move out...." he said.

Six words
were all it took for you
to change my mind;
how very easy?
I thought to myself,
running back into your arms,
as I always do.
Dec 2019 · 135
You
cs wondering Dec 2019
You
and you slip away
like grains in a hourglass
but I know you'd come back again

as you always do.
Dec 2019 · 199
sadness, my muse
cs wondering Dec 2019
One day all my inspirations just... disappeared
I couldn't paint, I couldn't write, I couldn't feel.

I may have fell asleep for an inch of a second,
but who'd dared to rob me of my dreams?

I couldn't explain it if I tried.

One day all my words just... made no sense
I couldn't paint, I couldn't write, I couldn't feel.

These words they used to string together,
magically and easily on their own.

Now I can't paint, I can't write, I can't feel.
It hurts to remain seated on the edge of my bed,
casually typing away at my keyboard, letter by letter.

These words they do not string together,
magically and easily on their own.

It is more than you think.

I've more to say but it aches as I breathe
my heart shrinks as my chest narrows
my skin rips as my nails claws

over
and
over
and
over
again

And it hurts but the words string together suddenly.

This feels so familiar,
I know it all too well.

Why does it always have to hurt for things to make sense?
This doesn't make sense, at all.

— c.s wondering
Jun 2019 · 21.2k
This is not a poem.
cs wondering Jun 2019
This is not a poem;
This is an artist screaming to be heard in the abyss of life's harshest realities.

This is not romantic;
This is an artist learning to to be in love with her very self.

All this years, I have been trying so hard to create a person I could love.

Little did I realize, what I was looking for has always and-
will always be within me.

I think I've learnt to love myself.
I think I'm finally free.

This is a poem;
This is an artist screaming to be heard in the abyss of life's harshest realities.

This is romantic;
This is an artist learning to to be in love with her very self.

All this years, I have been trying so hard to create a person I could love.

Little did I realize, what I was looking for has always and-
will always be within me.

I think I've learnt to love myself.
I think I'm finally free.
I think-

— c.s wondering
Hello friends!

It's been so many years since I last came on here to create poems. I guess something sparked inside of me tonight, and just like that- I'm back.

And I hope everyone has been well x
Nov 2016 · 561
Candle
cs wondering Nov 2016
They say I'm beautiful
And they, watch me with sparkling eyes.

Truth is--
I'm but the burnt out wick of a candle tossed away.
Dec 2014 · 449
Let it be
cs wondering Dec 2014
I'm choking on my own fake halo
I'd never be truly good
But mama wants her girl tamed
I resign, let it be.

I'm drowning in my own oceans
I'd never be truly free
But they want the girl lovely
I resign, let it be.

*I resign, let it be.
Dec 2014 · 609
It doesn't matter
cs wondering Dec 2014
Oh darling,
come speak of every little thing you've bottled up
we've got all the time in the universe
is it a thousand different fears or
the masks you've plastered to your rotten flesh

we've got space on this lonely stage,
don't be afraid, the shadows are silent
come, speak

it might be too much,
words as weapons they always work
but I'd stay

till the end of time,
I'd breathe sweet-nothings on your back
nothing matters anymore,
'cause my paradise is you

you're a different shade of *******-up
but I like boys bad or good
as long as it's you

**c.s wondering
Dec 2014 · 757
Eli.
cs wondering Dec 2014
His smile glistens,
like a tricky word barely rolling off the tip of my tongue
His eye shines,
as if the many other stars in the universe cannot compare

My smile stays plastered to my face,
I'd barely say a single word
I'd barely make a single noise

Yet his beautiful eyes still shines as it always does

With both hands cupping my face,
and his face twisted into a fake pout,
a terrible attempt to tickle my soul,
"I love you," he whispers.


I guess it's true—
opposites do attract,
in an unbelievably good manner.

**c.s wondering
Edit: This was written for an old boyfriend who turned out to be a serial cheater. Anyway it was written before I found out he is a cheater. Love was blind for me, I know I'm wrong now.
May 2014 · 669
The Right Way
cs wondering May 2014
There is obvious unjust in our daily lives
There is a thick line between the rich & poor

Democracy, democracy, democracy;
No citizen is obliged to help someone in distress...

So tell me what is the right way;
Politically correct but morally wrong
or the other way round?

— c.s wondering
May 2014 · 380
Dreamers won't survive
cs wondering May 2014
People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams
because they feel that they don’t deserve them,
or that they’ll be unable to achieve them
— The Alchemist
cs wondering May 2014
Because I don’t live in either my past or my future.
I’m interested only in the present.
If you can concentrate always on the present,
you’ll be a happy man.

You’ll see that there is life in the desert,
that there are stars in the heavens,
& that tribesman fight...
because they are part of the human race.

Life will be a party for you,
a grand festival,
because *life is the moment we’re living right now
— The Alchemist
May 2014 · 374
The present is a gift
cs wondering May 2014
Tonight, when the moon goes into total eclipse...
The past & the present shall be entwined

Tonight, you could go back to the period you want...
You could change history

" But I'd rather stay right beside you now ... "
You mumbled under your breath,
A warm tingling sensation on my skin

— c.s wondering
cs wondering May 2014
We Were All Born Alone
And We Shall Die Alone

And I Wished It Was Easier To Simply Leave The World Now;
Unless Someone Knew The Meaning Of This Life.

— c.s wondering
May 2014 · 523
Looked
cs wondering May 2014
Looked above the heavens
Looked for the man who put us here
Looked at my tears flowing down
Looked at the blood flowing out

****** in a deep breath then....

Looked at the starry skies
Looked for the brightest star that's probably dead
Looked at the drawings on my desk
Looked up the ceiling....

And wished for salvation...
And wished for an angel....
And wished to find a direction...

Save me please,
I'm looking for you.

— c.s wondering
May 2014 · 421
Confession at 3:45 a.m.
cs wondering May 2014
All this time I keep trying to find myself...
Still stuck and lost.
So I end up wearing this mask...
Pretending that I don't even try anymore...

But to be honest...
It's still horrible....
I guess I'm the problem....
never been family, friends or people...
I'm probably strong enough to not get affected by those above...

But...

I still feel lost.
I still feel faithless.
I still feel suffocated.
I still feel afraid.

I just seem like I don't anymore...
but I'm still scared of the dark.

It's just that...
I'm scared if I probe too much,
I'd get punished.
I'm scared if I peeked too far,
I'd get dragged down, again.

Darkness is scary....
you get pulled down into it.
It's one endless pit,
you only fall...
fall... and fall.

Then splashing black paint,
scribbling till the pencil broke...
nothing helps either.

Reading...
Watching movies....
Well I could run away for a little while...
Then when the stories end,
I feel crazier than before.

" What am I doing with my life? "
"Who the **** am I? "

I don't even know what I'm saying because
It's so **** hard to explain....
It's like how sometimes...
You just can't put pictures into words....

It's just a confession...
at 3:45 a.m.

— c.s wondering
Literally a personal poem... random strings of thoughts at 3:45 am because I'm feeling lonelier than ever :)
Dec 2013 · 625
I believed I could
cs wondering Dec 2013
pull the trigger of a machine gun,
shoot down every living soul
till they lay down dead
in pools of crimson red blood;
I believed I could

pick up a sharp kitchen knife,
stab every beating heart
till its beating fades
to deafening silence heard in cemetries;
I believed I could

every second
every minute
every hour;
I believed I could unleash the fury
underlying beneath my skin
& it was as easy as 1,2,3

but though I believed I could;
I could never quite do
but contain the rage on the tip of a blade

so every night I did
till my skin's a mess of ****** flesh

(c.s wondering)
cs wondering Dec 2013
upon the stars,
she wished for her soul to be saved;
upon the clouds,
she prayed for her tears to contain;
upon the Sun,
she begged for her heart to beat again;
upon the moon,
she pleaded for her smiles to return;

every night she did the same
but all that's heard are echoes of silence
till today she cries for her prayers to come true

but who would fulfill the wishes of
a sinful living dead;
condemned to eternal sufferings
& the painful company
of vicious voices living inside a broken mind?

(c.s wondering)
Dec 2013 · 465
As long as you love me
cs wondering Dec 2013
haunt* my thoughts
poison my emotions
slash my skin
burn my flesh

break my heart
shatter my hopes
bite my tongue
smash my bones

then destroy my soul
for all I care;
after all this hurting
just whisper:
I love you*

& all will be well,
my smiles return

(c.s)
Dec 2013 · 517
Love me
cs wondering Dec 2013
grasp my soul
catch my breath
touch my rotten skin

& there lies a glistening blade
have it then slice my skin

or carve sweet-nothings
on the tip of my tongue
then throw rocks at my pretty mind

for the horrible pain you inflict
equates to treasured gold

well, at least you bothered

(c.s)
cs wondering Nov 2013
feeling the sinking feeling
maybe the next second
i would just plunge
into utter darkness
and be eternally condemned
to the northern areas

the northern areas
cold and lonely
where no one visits
and no  one explores

but who knows
maybe my prince charming
would come seeking
for me

and there would be redemption
i would be free
i would be happy
the world would be in colors
everything gets better
life is pretty

c.s
Nov 2013 · 742
sugar sweet
cs wondering Nov 2013
autumn evenings
falling leaves
& warm sunshine

here we sit
by the window
sipping tea

with me in your arms
and books on my lap
four and a half sachets of sugar
poured into my tea

with a disgusted face
you hold you breath
and drink it all down

oh if i didn't love you
I'd pour it all away

and we kissed
till night
and till dawn

and time was frozen
Nov 2013 · 571
the end is near
cs wondering Nov 2013
and with the pull of a trigger
the deafening silence of a click
everything came to an end

flames ignited
and it was pure chaos
goodbye world.

c.s
Nov 2013 · 461
goodbye is forever
cs wondering Nov 2013
north is where I'd be
i said
the tear streaks stained  her rosy cheeks
my heart ached
but will you return?
will you visit?
she asked longingly
her eyes sparkling with
the sparkle I fell in love with

i stayed a-silent
her heart raced
awaiting  my answer
this woman i loved
she stood in full glory
right before my eyes
her face full of undying hope

so how could I say
I had fell for another
and my return is *never
?

c.s
dedicated to a faceless friend who left for paradise
in memory of the beautiful soul i never knew
(c) cs wondering
cs wondering Nov 2013
the sapphire blue
of the ice inside her soul
slowly melted
bit by bit

as he took her hand into his
the warmth radiated throughout
the whole of her being
she had never existed so brightly

her eyes
they shone so bright
her lips
they curled into a smile

maybe i can finally be loved
she mumbled
as the last of the icicles
melted into the last water drop
that dripped onto the pool of water

c.s
Nov 2013 · 818
unleash the dark
cs wondering Nov 2013
her auburn curls
those hazel eyes
so very mesmerizing
they swore she was the one
on one cold winter night
back in December

they cradled her
and embraced her fragile body
but one thing left
they never remembered to do;
embrace her self

today was her sixteenth birthday
she blew the candles
everyone applauded
but one thing no-one did;
caution against the dark one

for tonight
the screaming demons
from inside her pale skin
they will be released
hell on earth
its existence will be more than
fractures of an imagination

whilst they immersed
people cheered
and laughed
till with a pull of the trigger
all's left the deafening silence
of a forgotten happiness

c.s
Nov 2013 · 450
suicidal love
cs wondering Nov 2013
with swift movements
and a single sweep
he pushed the blade into her chest

she stared
she stared
she yelled

he smiled back
and said,
you fell for me

she screamed
she screamed
then pushed the blade in deeper

and her last words:
I fell for you
now let me end
my foolishness and misery

he cried.

c.s
Nov 2013 · 1.0k
mary-ann
cs wondering Nov 2013
she tiptoed
slowly and gently
her steps leaving invisible marks
on the cold marble floor

she turned
behind and sideways
but nobody was in sight
in the cold, dark room

it was the last chance,
she thought to herself
someone could stop her

so eighteen and lovely,
mary-ann
the girl everyone loved
picked up the rope

with caution and
descending tears,
she twisted it into a hook
and lifted her head
into it

she took in her
last few breaths
breathe in
breathe out
and then
there was absolute silence.

c.s

— The End —