after a long day of witnessing
sweet high school relationships
and fat teddy bears and chocolate roses
better go get myself some carnations
and let it sit in some water with black food coloring
and let the beauty unfold.

//

the longevity of our love is perpetual

that’s what it said on the card she
never received
at least..

i got home in hopes of hearing
your voice,
until i heard some lady in
your voicemail saying that you’re not available
stating your number real slow.

i got home and took a long *** nap
no one came till an hour ago
and i was ok, not in the greatest shape but yknow
i was relatively calm.

within a 2 min conversation w my father and mother
i feel like peeling my skin off my skull
and sautéing it on a pan.

i really just don’t have the brain energy to
make sense
but

whTs new amirite

.
and it seems like the only time
we speak our deepest thoughts
fears and
wonders..
is when one of us knows the other won’t remember
the next day..

sometimes
i don’t want you to know me

i want to walk past you on the street
raise my eyebrow and look at you
while we pass under the streetlight
and swing my hips
so that you turn around
and turn back to your friends
to whisper about me

i want our shoulders to accidentally touch
and i want you to feel your skin tingle
beneath the shirt you wore
--the one that is tight on your muscles--
hoping you would see me

i want you to wait for me by door frames
to walk me to class
and live for the moments i giggle at you

i want you to find my fears
and ache to protect me from them

i want our lips to touch
and i want yours to part
and breathe in
because you couldn’t have imagined
a first kiss
like that

i want you to be unable to stop thinking about me
keep my name on your tongue all day
until you dial my number
and call to talk to me

i don’t want you to know me
because i want you to fall in love with me
all over again

do you mind if i
trail my fingers along your collar
and slowly undo your bow tie
(being that it’ll take me a while).
i’ll attempt to be seductive being the nerd that i am
and you kinda just sigh
shake your head and roll your eyes
wondering why..
i bought the socks that are thigh-highs
that are irresistible to you
i don’t know why
but hey if it gets you going
i’ll give it a try.

I want to feel euphoria
I want to feel his hands on my body
I want to feel him entering me
I want to feel his lips on mine
I want to feel the shivers his touch brings to my body

I want to physically feel something
Because I don’t emotionally

i make sure to kiss my mother
every night
every morning and
twice more in between..
just so she could know it wasn’t her
fault that i
passed.