Hold** my fingers between your own while we walk easily
On the skywalk that overlooks the traffic lights and street signs and makes us feel like
We’re on top of the world. There is no other place that I’d rather be than
Going with you through a simple tunnel of glass, above the city, holding your hand and feeling like I’m
Home whenever I am simply in your presence.

Everyone tells me,
I need to forgive and forget,
And that life's too short.
That I need to let it all go,
And just move on.
It all starts running together,
Sounding like a broken record,
Trying to play the same song.
But Mom,
You always said to ignore,
The peer pressure.

Luke sat in the dead center of the couch eating a bowl of cereal while Spongebob’s loud, obnoxious voice played loudly over the T.V. His abandoned Thomas the Train play set pieces lay scattered on the floor and I was rushing around the house trying to find all the ***** laundry from the past week.

“Luke, where did you put your black t-shirt?”

He sat unmoving, his eyes glued to Spongebob. He reminded me of one of those green zombies from his favorite ******-Doo movie that I’d seen too many times.

“Luke.” I said, and he looked at me. “Where did you put your black shirt?”

“What black shirt, daddy?” he asked in his small, seemingly innocent voice.

“The ‘army’ one that Mommy got you when she came home last time,” I explained. “If you want me to wash it, I have to know where it is.”

He looked around the living room, “I don’t know, Daddy.”

Letting out a sigh, I went walking about the house, grabbing mismatched socks, and other clothes that he’d thrown while getting ready for bed the last few nights. Tossing the clothes in the hamper sitting on the table, waiting to be taken downstairs to the washer, I went to look down the hallway.

The black t-shirt in question was one of Luke’s absolute favorites. He tended to throw a sort of tantrum when he wanted to wear it and couldn’t find it. At the moment it seemed to be hiding. Looking around the cluttered house, I noticed something balled up in a corner of the hallway. Thrown against the wall, laying on the floor, was the missing t-shirt. I bent over and picked it up. The doorbell rang.

“Daddy!” Luke yelled from the other room, “the door.”

“Don’t answer it,” I said, coming back into the living room, still carrying the black keepsake. “I found your shirt by the way.”

His face lit up with a smile that seemed to say he’d known all along where it had been. I smiled and opened the door. My face quickly fell when I saw the two officers standing in their dress blue uniforms, presenting a soldierly appearance outside on the front step. I dropped Luke’s shirt.

“May we come in Mr. Reynolds?” one asked.

I swallowed hard, and shook my head.

“Luke, can you go play in your room for a little bit?”

I watched him scoot off the couch, taking a couple trains from his play set and head down the hallway. The stoic look set across the soldier’s faces said everything that needed to be said. It only took ten minutes of awkward mumbling and they left, closing the door behind them. I sat on the couch and buried my head in my hands. Luke came into the living room.

“Daddy?” Luke asked. “Is Mommy coming home?”

I wiped some tears from my eyes, took him in my arms and hugged him tight.

“It’s okay, Daddy. Mommy’s a hero. Right?” he asked.

“Right.”

The first time I ever took a thin, silver blade to my wrist,

Was one time too many.

And only the beginning.

Sitting alone,
In the house you left me in.
I’ve had a couple too many.
The images around me start to blend.

Make my way,
To those old window panes.
Bringing the memories back,
How you used to hold me when it rained.

And I could swear,
I could hear your voice in my ear.
Feel you wrap me in your arms.
Foolish of me to think,
You’d actually end up here.

Crazy to think,
I’d even be on your mind.
To think you reminisce on those old times.
To believe I’ll ever have another chance,
A chance to call you mine.

I’m on my sixth or seventh shot,
Maybe my eighth, I’m not even sure.
All the images that had started to blend,
Have now become a tangled blur.

I stumble my way up the stairs,
Can’t keep my balance at the top.
A slight sound in my head,
Brings my body to a sudden stop.

And I could swear,
I could hear your voice in my ear.
Feel you wrap me in your arms.
Foolish of me to think,
You’d actually end up here.

Crazy to think,
I’d even be on your mind,
To think you reminisce on those old times.
To believe I’ll ever have another chance,
A chance to call you mine.

But you’re not here,
You’re not here at all.
No messages, no signs,
Not even one single phone call.

And I don’t know why,
I don’t know why you had to leave.
Left just to close my eyes,
And picture you here with me.

And I could swear,
I could hear your voice in my ear.
Feel you wrap me in your arms.
Foolish of me to think,
You’d actually end up here.

today is my last day of being a teenager and tomorrow is my 20th birthday.
If you would've asked me a few years ago, I wasn't sure I would ever see the age of 20 and if you would've asked me a few weeks ago, I almost didn't.

but here I am.

I wonder if we walk into a store in the early morning hours the next day,
Holding hands and stealing kisses, waiting for the doors to be unlocked,
If clerks can tell how many times we had *** the night before.
I wonder if my skin glows where your hands and kisses caressed my skin
In the wee hours of morning when it seemed the entire world was fast asleep
Except for us;
Sharing love and secrets that no one else cared to know about each other.
I wonder if they could tell that every time I had almost fallen asleep,
You kissed my bare shoulder where the sheet didn’t cover
And the moonlight shone over my pale flesh,
Awakening me with such a desire to kiss you with the same
Hungry urge that you kissed me with.
Kisses led to more and before I knew it, the number of times we made love
For the night had climbed one number higher
And we both struggled to catch our breath.

After being gone and away for so long,
You return to where you’ve been and try to forget anything was ever wrong.
But everyone starts asking you a million questions.
Like where you went and trying to get some kind of confession.
And while you’re trying to keep calm
And not be overwhelmed,
You move the hair from your eyes,
And make up some story to get them to buy the lies.
But when you reach your hand up to your head,
One of your many bracelets moves and shows the red.
The scars appear in their vision,
You look at those people, and while making a decision,
You beg with all your eyes can say,
To not say a word, and to just let the memory slip away.
But they just stare at you,
Because to them, you’re not the same person, you’re someone new.
And you slowly break away, creating some distance.
The memories flood back and you wish you would’ve ruined your existence.
And you slowly fall apart.
Feeling the crack and the breaking within your heart,
You slowly take off each bracelet, one by one.
To allow their eyes to see that you left a scar instead of using the gun.
And enable them to know,
Your smile wasn’t real, it was just a show.
And your laugh wasn’t genuine,
And you had fallen victim to self harm upon your skin.
But most importantly,
They knew that the person they’d been thinking had it all,
Wasn’t ever perfect at all.

In the end,
No one ever wins.
We all have wronged.
We all have sins.

No one exits,
With a clean slate.
We all have secrets,
Some told too late.

Words unspoken,
Stories untold.
Assumptions created,
Questions left in the cold.

Lies made up,
Rumors spread.
No one ever listens.
Until you’re dead.

the monsters have moved
from under the bed.
they're living all around you,
all throughout the life you've led.
the demons no longer reside underneath,
but are the reflections
in the mirrors,
staring back at you and me.

For every star that whispers against
The cold December sky, there’s a wandering
Soul that tiptoes like a ballerina skates across
An icy stage before losing control underneath
The only street lamp that glared a yellow light
Up and down a short distance on the empty street.
One lost and broken body, crawling over
Paved concrete, looking for a part that hadn’t
Had the time to dry in the lukewarm sunlight.
For each shattered heart, waiting to be buried in
The wet concrete, hoping to mend its cracks
And fill its craters from too many punches to
The center of ourselves that should
Receive nothing more than love,
Will find its peace within the outside flooring
Where nothing is no longer temporary.

What is love?
Is it when he constantly enters your thoughts?
Or maybe, when you unwillingly memorize his number?
Is it knowing his favorite song?
Or how about, knowing his favorite color?
Is it when you know what time he goes to bed?
Maybe it’s knowing who his parents are?
Is it when you share your first kiss with him?
Or when you’re first fight brings tears?
Maybe no one will ever know.

The photographs serve as my own permanent, tangible, unforgettable memories.

When it’s all said and done…
These walls will still be standing,
The ones you didn’t break down,
The ones you gave up on.

When it’s all said and done…
My heart will still be in pieces,
The ones that you shattered,
The pieces you left apart.

When it’s all said and done…
I’ll be the same stubborn me,
You’ll be the one that changed,
And the one I’ll refuse to forgive.

When it’s all said and done…
You’ll be the one with regrets,
The one who begs for me back.
The one who says you’ve changed.

When it’s all said and done…
I’ll be the one ignoring the phone,
The one ignoring the doorbell.
The one who moved on.

A sea of what seemed like a thousand or more faces sat before me in the pews. Solemn faces dressed in black, holding back tears stared back at me as I stood behind the small podium and your body lay silently in a wooden box next to me. I swallowed hard, trying to think of what I could possibly start this speech with. No words formed in my mind or thoughts. I looked down at my black chipped finger nail polished, my mind still blank. I took a deep breath.

            “I’m sorry.” I muttered, “I can’t do this.”

            I walked off the make shift stage, leaving the podium standing by itself, much as I had felt like I’d been left by myself that day next to the hospital bed. Walking over to the first pew, taking a seat next to his parents, I buried my head in my hands and started sobbing all over again. His mom put her arms around me and rocked me slowly, resting her chin on my shoulders.

            “I thought I could do it.” I sobbed.

            “Sh, you did fine.” his mom whispered.

            Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Adam’s dad stand up slowly. Buttoning his suit jacket, he took my place behind the podium. He cleared his throat.

            “No parent,” he paused, “should be standing where I am right now.” I looked up at the tall man, resembling Adam like he was his own twin. “There’s so many things I could wish right now,” another pause,  “There’s so many things that I wish I knew.” He wiped an escaped tear from the corner of his eye. “But I can’t say that my son, didn’t die a fighter.” And I lost the battle to my sobs once more.

            Adam’s dad finished his short speech by thanking everyone for coming and reminding families to hold their loved ones close. It’s something Adam would have wanted him to say and would probably even say it himself; if he’d been around. Adam’s mom, Christine, along with my own mom, held my hands as I walked up to the open casket one last time. Looking inside, seeing Adam completely still with his eyes closed and hands folded across themselves. He looked so peaceful, and reminded me of times when he’d fallen asleep while we’d been hanging out watching movies. I took a deep breath, and rested my hand over his.

            “I love you.” I whispered. “I always will.” I’d like to think I noticed the ends of his lips flinch and turn up into a small smile, and his chest take a slight breath,  but my eyes had only fooled me. Some more tears escaped and I stepped away.

            Walking back through the church aisle in between the pews, people conjugated around glanced at me, and some patted my back or offered a smile. I continued walking to where the car was parked for the procession to the cemetery. I got in the backseat so that Mom and Dad could take their places up front once they were done offering their goodbyes. I stared out the window. The sun beat down and the slightest breeze carried pollen through the air. The beginning signs of Spring.

            Arriving at the cemetery, the procession of cars all parked in an organized fashion in a marked spot in the grass. I opened my door slowly and got out. I pulled the cardigan that I wore over my dress tighter around myself, reminding me of your arms, holding me close. I stood in the sun, feeling the rays hit my face as I watched the pal bearers carry your brown casket to where the graveside service would be held.

            I walked slowly across the grass, sidestepping headstones of strangers I’d never meet. The same familiar breeze that had blew at the church blew again, blowing my blonde hair out of my face. Mom walked beside me, holding my hand, giving me strength.

            I stepped up in front of everyone, ready to give my speech that I’d overly prepared for. Drops of tears spotted the paper I’d written on the night after watching you take your last breath. I cleared my throat and wiped a tear that was escaping down my cheek. The same faces gathered before me. Some looked down and some watched me. Mom gave me a half smile. I took a deep breath.

            “I remember the first time Adam told me that he had leukemia.” I started. I took another deep breath. “he thought for sure that I’d never talk to him again or hang out with him.”

            I smiled at the crowd, remembering the moment like it was yesterday. A third breath of air, and the wind blew my hair once again.

            “Adam was supposed to live less than six months.” I stated. “he lived for almost a whole year after the estimated time frame.” I smiled again. “Last week, as he was laying in the hospital bed, he told me that it was almost time.” I explained. “and I told him to just keep fighting. He told me that he was tired and didn’t want to fight anymore.”

            Some tears fell from my eyes, creating fresh marks on the paper that I was barely reading off of. Instead, I had resorted to just telling the story from memory.

            “He told me that even though he was losing the battle, he’d already won.” I continued explaining. “I had no idea what he meant. When I asked, he told me that even after learning about his terminal cancer, he’d won my love.”

            The wind blew again, a little stronger this time, kissing the tears away from my cheeks. I returned Adam’s kiss by blowing one up into the air, towards the sky.

There are parts of you that make you who you are,
And parts that don’t.
Parts of you, that without them,
You don’t feel like you belong to the group you
Once associated with.
Having my ******* removed in order to enter remission
And beat breast cancer
Feels like my womanhood has been lost.
Flat chested takes on an entirely different meaning.
It’s crazy how I hear women
Wishing that their ******* weren’t so small
But they don’t know what it’s like
To have no ******* at all.
Or that they wish their hair was longer
When mine is the length of the guard
On an electric razor that my husband uses.
How does a man begin to love a woman
That has scars where her ******* should be?
The hair on my head has yet to grow back, even a little bit.
Reminding me only that I’m still a woman
Is the gift Mother Nature sends each month.
The cramps in my abdomen seem ten times less
Compared to heaving an empty stomach
Into a pan or toilet bowl next to me
After the chemicals have entered my system.
Throwing up from morning sickness
As my unborn child has just started to live
Told me that I was indeed a woman.
But now after she has grown and must
Watch her mother battle cancer,
Lose her hair, throw up nothing but emptiness,
And she still tells me that I’m the
Most beautiful woman on the planet.
How do I tell her that I feel like
An alien from Mars?

Not tight,

But soft and gentle,

Like a bow around a present.

Keeping me safe and secure,

With just enough room to come untied.

To have you to wrap me up

In your arms again.

You think I need you
You think I’ve changed
You think I’ll forgive you
You think mistakenly.

You thought you loved me
You thought you knew me
You thought you’d be forgiven
You thought wrong.

You know I’ll come back
You know I can’t go on
You know you’re missed
You know nothing.

Rocking back and forth,
In a wooden rocking chair.
True love right beside me,
Wrinkling skin and silver hair.

Reminiscing on old times,
Pain laughter, memory lane.
Slowly he rises,
Grabbing his leaning cane.

Standing in front of me,
Carefully extending his hand,
I grab hold of it,
He easily helps me stand.

Pulling me close, standing on the porch,
Sounds of the morning dove,
Remind me of old mornings,
Waking up after falling in love.

He kisses my forehead,
And I know he remembers too,
All the dark nights,
That his feelings proved true.

It is now that I realize,
True love lasts a lifetime.
Even as little kids at play,
You have always been mine.

I move one step closer,
But you push me two steps back.
Just show me you love me,
Stop putting me under this attack.

I’m yours forever.
Don’t think I’m going anywhere.
But if you keep pushing me away,
I might just finally disappear.

My heart can’t take it much longer.
These eyes can’t cry anymore.
This body is so tired of hurting.
Fix my broken heart that’s torn.

Don’t you know that actions speak louder?
But your words still sting like bees.
I’ve thought about praying for you,
Dropping to my knees.

But you don’t deserve that.
You don’t deserve a thing.
I no longer worship you.
You’re no king.

“You’re only 17.”
Is what he said,
Like he wasn’t the same age.

He wanted me to finish my story,
With him as just another page.

Another page,
Full of memories,
That cannot be erased,
Another page,
That causes tears to fall,
Running down my face.

“People change,”
Is how he put it,
He’d found out who he thinks he is.

"You’ll find another guy,
You’re only 17.” so he says.

Building my hopes up,
Just to watch them fall.
Waiting and waiting,
For the day you won’t return my call.

You’re too good to be true,
I just don’t believe,
You can make me feel this way,
Taking my breath away, I can’t breathe.

Sweeping me off my feet,
Like I’m a fairy tale princess.
Then blowing me away,
Like simple dandelion dust.

I wake up,
And I think of you.
I dream at night,
But only of you.

You can take up the most space
In my brain.
Drive me crazy,
Make me go insane.

Falling in love,
All over again.
I’ll be your one and only,
Your full attention.

“Where did you get those marks on your arm?”
Instincts pulled the fabric down over the evidence.
I thought of giving my normal excuse:
My cat scratched the hell out of me.
Most people didn’t know that I didn’t even have a cat.
But people believed the lie.

I didn’t answer the girl’s question right away
And the silence that filled the space between us
Reminded me of when a stranger enters the elevator;
Neither of us talked or looked at each other.

I thought of telling the curious girl about my teenage years
And how it seemed a dark cloud seemed to hover about me;
Reigning over my head and sliding beneath my feet
Like a magic carpet, taking me to places I didn’t enjoy going.

I could have told her that often times I could feel
That terrible cloud becoming stronger and overwhelming me
Like turning on a faucet and warm water covering the bottom
Of the bathtub, inch by inch. I could feel it like that eerie feeling that comes
Before a big thunderstorm, starting near my feet and seeming to
Crawl up my legs as I tried to push it down and away.
But pushing it was like pushing a cloud of smoke, it swirled
To other parts of my body but it lingered around.

I thought about but didn’t tell the girl that I often
Laid in bed at night, staring up at the ceiling,
Imagining myself floating around the high walls of the church
Where my funeral shouldn’t have been held
Because of all the sins I’d dreamt of committing.
Suicide is considered a sin.

I pictured my mother crying, my brother trying to
Keep his composure; my friends who’d dressed in black and sat
In the church pews, keeping hold of the secret they’d known about.
I imagined a lot of hugging, and tears, but mostly I heard lies
That they’d tell about me:
“She was so young.”
“She had so much going for her.”
“It’s really too bad.”
“What a beautiful girl she was.”

I saw myself lying inside the casket, one half of the tube open,
Revealing my arms crossed in front of me,
My fingers laced in between the spaces of each other
As if I were praying much too late.

After discovering the scars upon my wrists,
I would be clothed in long sleeves to hide what everyone
Had been pretending not to see.
I didn’t tell the girl that I’d already seen my funeral.

She continued looking at me, waiting for the answer
To the question I’d hoped would never be asked.

I thought about telling her how I kept a thin, silver
Razor blade hidden inside my purse so when that dark
Cloud of smoke threatened, I could slice my way through.
I didn’t tell her that there was a time when I depended
On such a small, dangerous object. And I didn’t tell her that
I often grasped the metal like a lifejacket to keep me afloat
Amongst the raging waters that wanted to drown me.

I wanted to tell her that late at night after I was sure the house
Was asleep, I cried huge, heaving, silent sobs.
My pillow caught my tears and the blanket served as a Kleenex.
It was all I could do to hold back the truth of telling her that
I grabbed my life preserver many times and would drag the blade
Across my flesh, creating a ripple of red ink over my pale, white wrist;
A tear in the canvas of my body.

I thought about telling her that many nights
I drank too much alcohol and digested too many pills
And cut too deep.
I thought about telling her that I’d been lost and I tried
Finding myself by drawing maps over my wrist with a
Car that had seen too many miles in such a short amount of time.
I wanted to tell her that I made too many mistakes that I couldn’t
Take back; ones that I couldn’t hide or cover all the time.
But she wouldn’t understand.

So instead, I pushed my sleeve back up to the middle of my
Forearm where it’d been when she’d first asked,
Exposing the lines of flesh that had healed over but
Left a permanent scar of raised skin.
I ran my fingertips over it, feeling the wounds
Like a train moves over ridges of the railroad.

The girl’s eye’s studied my scars that I showed her.
I took her arm in my hand and traced my fingers over
Her own skin,
Then I took her hand and told her to do the same.
She did, then repeated the motion on mine.
Her cold fingers touched what I’d never wanted her to see.

We made eye contact again.
“Do you see how your skin has no bumps on it like mine?”
I asked her. She nodded her head in response.
“That’s how it’s supposed to be. Don’t ever think about ruining it.”
I told her.
She nodded her head again, too young to comprehend,
And turned around to run down the hallway.

I hadn’t ever thought my daughter would notice.

“Where did you get those marks on your arm?”
Instincts pulled the fabric down over the evidence.
I thought of giving my normal excuse:
My cat scratched the hell out of me.
Most people didn’t know that I didn’t even have a cat.
But they never questioned the lie.

I didn’t answer the girl’s question right away
And the silence that filled the space between us
Reminded me of when a stranger enters the elevator;
Neither of us talked or looked at each other.

I thought of telling the curious girl about my teenage years
And how it seemed a dark cloud seemed to hover about me;
Reigning over my head and sliding beneath my feet
Like a magic carpet, taking me to places I didn’t enjoy going.

I could have told her that often times I felt
That terrible cloud becoming stronger, overwhelming me
Like turning on a faucet, warm water covering the bottom
Of the bathtub, inch by inch, creeping over the surface like the tide drowns the sand.
I could feel it like that eerie feeling that comes
Before a big thunderstorm, starting near my feet and seeming to
Crawl up my legs as I tried to push it down and away.
But pushing it was like pushing a cloud of smoke, it swirled
To other parts of my body but still it lingered around.


I didn’t tell the girl that while growing up,
When it rained, it poured:
One thing went wrong and five others went wrong,
Like a design of dominoes. One tips over, and soon
You’re left with too big of a mess to handle.

I thought about telling the girl that I often
Laid in bed at night, a staring contest with the ceililng
As I imagined myself floating around the high walls of the church
Where my funeral shouldn’t have even been held
Because of all the sins I’d dreamt of committing.
Suicide is considered a sin.

I pictured my mother crying, my brother trying to
Keep his composure; my friends who’d dressed in black and sat
In the church pews, keeping hold of the secret they’d refused to do anything about.
I imagined a lot of hugging and tears, but mostly I heard lies
That they’d tell about me:
“She had so much going for her.”
“It’s really too bad.”
“What a beautiful girl she was.”

I saw myself lying inside the casket, one half of the tube open,
Revealing my arms crossed in front of me,
My fingers laced in between the spaces of each other
As if I were praying much too late.

After discovering the scars upon my wrists,
I would be clothed in long sleeves to hide what everyone
Had been pretending not to see.
I didn’t tell the girl that I’d already seen my funeral.

She continued looking at me, waiting for the answer
To the question I’d hoped would never be asked.

I thought about telling her how I kept a thin, silver
Razor blade hidden inside my purse so when that dark
Cloud of smoke threatened, I could slice my way through.
I didn’t tell her that there was a time when I depended
On such a small, dangerous object. And I didn’t tell her that
I often grasped the metal like a lifejacket to keep me afloat
Amongst the raging waters that wanted to drown me.

I wanted to tell her that late at night after I was sure the house
Was asleep, I cried huge, heaving, silent sobs.
My pillow caught my tears and the blanket served as a Kleenex.
It was all I could do to hold back the truth of telling her that
I grabbed my life preserver many times and would drag the blade
Across my flesh, creating a ripple of red ink over my pale, white wrist;
A tear in the canvas of my body.

I thought about telling her that many nights
I drank too much alcohol and digested too many pills
And cut too deep into a tunnel so far that I couldn’t see the light at the other end
And how I tried to climb to the top of the hole where I felt stuck
Only for it to feel like someone stepped on my fingers,
The pain making me let go and fall again, deeper to the bottom.

I thought about telling her that I’d been lost and I tried
Finding myself by drawing maps over my wrist with a
Car that had seen too many miles in such a short amount of time.
I wanted to tell her that I made too many mistakes that I couldn’t
Take back; ones that I couldn’t hide or cover all the time.
But she wouldn’t understand.

So instead, I pushed my sleeve back up to the middle of my
Forearm where it’d been when she’d first asked,
Exposing the lines of flesh that had healed over but
Left a permanent scar of raised skin.
I ran my fingertips over it, feeling the wounds
Like a train moves over ridges of the railroad.

The girl’s eye’s studied my scars that I showed her.
I took her arm in my hand and traced my fingers over
Her own skin,
Then I took her hand and told her to do the same.
She did, then repeated the motion on mine.
Her cold fingers touching what I’d never wanted her to see.

We made eye contact again.
“Do you see how your skin has no bumps on it like mine?”
I asked her. She nodded her head in response.
“That’s how it’s supposed to be. Don’t ever think about ruining it.”
I told her.
She nodded her head again, too young to comprehend,
And turned around to run down the hallway.

I didn’t want my daughter to see me as a victim, but a survivor.

“What are those marks on your arm?”
Instincts pulled the fabric of my sleeve over the evidence and
I thought of giving my normal excuse:
My car scratched the hell out of me.
Most people didn’t know that I actually had a dog,
But they never questioned the lie.

I didn’t answer the girl’s question right away
And the silence that filled the space between us
Reminded me of when a stranger enters the elevator;
Neither of us talked or looked at each other.

I thought of telling the curious girl about my teenage years
And how it seemed a dark cloud hovered around me,
Reigning over my head and sliding beneath my feet
Like a magic carpet, taking me to places I didn’t enjoy going.

I thought of telling her that often times I felt
That terrible cloud becoming stronger, overwhelming me
Like turning on a faucet, warm water covering the bottom
Of the bathtub, inch by inch, creeping over the surface like the tide drowns the sand.

I could feel it like that eerie feeling that comes
Before a big thunderstorm, starting near my feet and seeming to
Crawl up my legs like a gust of wind creeps under a sundress
And I tried to hold it down or push the cloud away.
But pushing it was like pushing a cloud of smoke. It swirled
To other parts of my body but still it lingered around.


I thought of telling the girl that while growing up,
When it rained, it poured.
One thing went wrong and five others went wrong,
Like a design of dominoes. One tips over and soon
You’re left with too many pieces scattered over the floor.

I thought about telling her that I often
Laid in bed at night, a staring contest with the ceiling,
As I imagined myself floating around the high walls of a church
Where my funeral shouldn’t have even been held
Because of all the sins I’d dreamt of committing.

Suicide is considered a sin.

I pictured my mother crying, my brother trying to keep his composure;
My friends who’d dressed in black and sat in the church pews,
Keeping hold of the secret they’d refused to do anything about.
I imagined a lot of hugging and tears, but mostly I heard the lies
That they’d say about me:
“She had so much going for her.”
“It’s really too bad.”
“What a beautiful girl she was.”

I saw myself lying inside the casket, one half of it open,
Revealing my arms crossed in front of me,
My fingers laced in between the spaces of each other
As if I was praying, but it was much too late.

After discovering the scars upon my wrists,
I would be clothed in long sleeves to hide what everyone
Had been pretending not to see.

I didn’t tell the girl that I’d already seen my funeral.

She continued looking at me, waiting for the answer
To the question I’d hoped would never be asked.

I thought about telling her how I kept a thin, silver
Razor blade hidden inside my purse so when the dark
Cloud threatened, I could slice my way through the roaring
Smoke harboring rain droplets that wanted to fill up my body of a bathtub
And consume me.

I thought of telling her that there was a time when I depended
On such a small, dangerous object. I thought about telling her that
I often held the metal like a lifejacket to keep me afloat
Amongst the raging flood waters that wanted to drown me.

I thought about telling her that late at night after I was sure the house
Was asleep, I cried huge, heaving, silent sobs.
My pillow caught my tears and my blankets severed as Kleenexes.
It was all I could do to hold back the truth of telling her that
I grabbed my life preserver many times and would drag the blade
Across my flesh, creating a ripple of red ink over my pale, white wrist;
A tear in the shower curtain that protected my body.

I thought about telling her that many nights
I drank too much alcohol and digested too many pills
And cut myself too deep into what seemed like my own burial,
To where I couldn’t see the light at the other end and it felt
Like the casket lid had closed over me.
I didn’t tell her that I tried to climb to the top of the hole
Where I was buried, only for it to feel like someone had
Stepped on my fingers, the pain making me let go and fall again,
Deeper to the bottom.

I thought about telling her that I’d been lost and tried
Finding myself by drawing maps over my wrist with a
Car that had seen too many miles in such a short amount of time.
I thought about telling her that I made too many mistakes that I couldn’t
Take back; ones that I couldn’t hide or cover all the time,
Like tattoos that wouldn’t wash away.

I thought about telling her that I stopped wearing my seatbelt
When I drove anywhere because if I was in an accident,
I would have a better chance at dying.
But she wouldn’t understand.

So instead, I pushed my sleeve back up to the middle of my
Forearm where it’d been when she’d first asked,
Exposing the straight lines of flesh that had healed over but
Left a permanent scar of elevated skin.
I ran my fingertips over them, feeling the wounds
Like a train moving over the ridges of a railroad.

The girl’s eyes studied my scars that I showed her.
I took her arm in my hand and traced my fingers over
Her skin, smooth , without any ripples,
Then told her to do the same.
She did, then repeated the same motion on mine.
Her cold fingers touching what I’d never wanted her to see.

We made eye contact again.
“Do you see how your skin is soft and smooth?”
I asked her. She nodded her head in response.
“That’s how it’s supposed to be. Don’t ever think about ruining it.”
I whispered,
Wishing my mother had said the same to me.

If I could write you into the walls of my home,
I wonder if it’d still be standing.
Would the candlelight dancing on the wall
Remember the way your lips danced with mine?
The kitchen where we watched the birds
Dance through the trees, chasing one another
Similar to how we played tag through the hallways
And bedrooms of our house.
The bathroom where the tub fills with water like
How my anatomy filled at dusk and dawn with your love.
The living room where we fell asleep so many times
Watching our favorite movies in nothing but our skin
And the light illuminating from the TV screen.
I leave the screen on, the images flashing against
The wall where our pictures still hang.
I blanket myself in make-shift flesh and tell myself
The threads of the cover are your hands and arms.
The sheets over our bed hold your absence
Like an infant child cradled in his mother’s embrace.
Your pillow, covered in cologne and aftershave that lingers
Rests in my arms as I hug the object and pretend it’s your body.
The shower head rains water that blends my tears
Down the drain with the heartbreak I’m left with.  
But your voice still sings from inside the painted walls,
Behind the picture frames, blowing in the curtains that
Cover the windows. Most importantly, you linger in the
Floorboards and inside the beams that hold my house together.

People tell me,
To let it go.
To stop holding a grudge.
To leave it in the past.
To forget about it.
To move on.
I tell them,
Never.