Deep, dark and numb inside
My broken thoughts fall like pieces of shattered glass
Crashing at my feet with the rest of my world
Scarring up my skin as they drop
Forever marking me as something obscene

                                                                              Locked away pain,
                                                                            Makes the best smile.
                                                                         I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                           Leave you untouched.


While shaky fingers stitch me together
Pills make pain fade like magic potions
A wonderful shade of grey settles in my brain
The best I can hope for, all things considered.

                                                                           You’re really trying,
                                                                              I guess I will too.
                                                                       I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                         Leave you untouched.

Tempting old habits make my skin itch
Pleading the best kind of medicine
The pain that will send me high out of grey
But under watchful eyes it’s pointless to dream

                                                                     You’re sounding so happy,
                                                                        How can I not be too?
                                                                       I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                        Leave you untouched.

My rolling stomach won’t stop yelling
My racing thoughts won’t slow down
I could use a dose of you more than ever
But instead I’ll swallow hard and try to sleep

                                                                       I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                       I’ll leave you untouched.
                                                                       Safe from my madness.
                                                                       Safe from my hang ups.

Lost in a dream of endless beauty,
my body disappears in the tall soft grass.
It tickles my skin as it blows in the breeze.
My hair billows out like a red wild flower.

I am part of this place.
I belong here.
This field is mine.

Above me the sky stretches on without stop.
Dotted with puffy cartoon like clouds.
The sun bathes my skin with warm kisses,
setting my hazel-green eyes ablaze.

Everything breathes innocence.
A new beginning is in the air.
I try to soak up the feeling.

Underneath my back the earth shakes with life.
I can feel the snakes writhe, the rabbits hop. I can
feel the bug world teeming with activity. I can feel
new shoots of grass breaking through gound.

My body may leave this heaven,
but I never will.
I will rest forever here.

Iridescent bubbles pop,
an explosion of shimmer in
sunlit soap drops.

Magic wands in blinding
colors give life to miracle
sphere-shaped fairies. Meant
only to exist for brief
moments, disappearing at
the fingers of
earth-bound angels.

Tiny imprints dot the
shoots of green, that carpet
my angel’s feet from harm.
Leaving in return medals of valor,
earthy marks of bravery
from her romp through
tiny forest worlds.

Golden rays say goodbye
as they sink softly down to rest.
She lets her weighted eyelids close,
Whispering a melody so divine
it could only come from her mouth.

My lips touch her porcelain cheek,
Fingers dancing on her moonlit hair.
To kiss an angel, my angel,
this is what I live for.

We live in Glass Boxes.
Made up of love, joy, and
happiness, anger, pain,
and hate. We knock on windex'd
walls, shouting for
someone to break our
boundaries.

No one's box is made
the same. Everyone's glass
cracks different ways. The
sun sends patterns across our
skin, staining us with
experiences that build who
we will become.

I press my nose to the glass,
fogging my walls with
the haze of heavy breathing.
My eyes squint for you,
searching desperately for your
Glass home...but no matter
how hard I try, you're
always just out of sight.

I hear on the wind that your
glass is changing. Chipping
away to the pressures of
******. It's all I can do not
to claw my walls. I know these
bleeding nails would be
my only triumph.

So I sit in my Glass Box, bitter
at the rays of color that
turn my home into a rainbow
prism. The paradox of it all
enough to make my head pound.
Is it even fair to be happy?
When you're off, all alone,
drowning in you're own pain?

You look at the world through empty orbs,
ignoring the beauty that swells within.
Your lips work like anesthesia,
numbing your words till they have no meaning.
Sometimes I have to wonder, who you really are.
If I’d knock on you, and hear an echo,
sound bouncing off skin walls.

I want to reach down your throat and strike a match.
Ignite a fire in your gray soul. 
Fill you up with fiery flickering hues.
A passion that forces you into motion.
Awakening your mind, realizing your truth.
A yearning for life beyond just living.

Sometimes I catch
myself.
Thinking about your
face.

Where you are.
Where you're going.
If you're missing me....

Yet.

I don't miss you.
I don't regret you.

But I know,
that sometimes you
think about me too.

Where I am.
Where I'm going.
If I miss you....

Still.

The answer is no.
I love you, but no.

She can have you're
hollow heart.
You're just a shadow of the
boy I loved.

I'm not jealous of her holding you.
My heart doesn't break at her seeing your smile.
You are not the person you used to be...

Now.

She can have the cheap
knock-off,
You can downgrade for her.

I'll move on like I do.
On and farther away from you.
I don't need who you've become...

Anymore.

Slapped hard by
hands of anger.
Your so-called care
sent me spiraling.

Vision blurry from
shock. Arms bruised
from impacting walls.
You shake your head
at me with disgust.

Is this my fault?
Do I truly deserve this?
Am I the tease you say,
or am I the victim?

Yelled obscenities by
steep stairs, I grab for
anything steady. Fear of true
injury courses through my body.
My heart whispers depserately
he wouldn't. My brain screams
he would.

Clothes hide the evidence
of his wrath. Shame seals my
lips like super glue. Brain now
quieted, my heart whispers
sweet nothings to me. Repeating
every time he's forgiven my
supposed faults.

Is this my fault?
Am I so deserving
of pain, that you must
inflict it?

Judge me,
strip me raw.
Let's see if I
survive the fall.

Push to the limit,
bend me till I break.
Cut till you reach
bone. I need to know
what I can take.

Tell me what you
really think. Tell
me what you see.
Let's piece together
the person you consider
me to be.

Judge me.

From stars we are born.
Atoms burning within us.
Traceable back to before
time began. It connects us
to those we never will meet,
stretching across galaxies
and piercing back through our skin.
As we are part of this universe
so it is part of us, making us larger
than most can accept or truly feel.
Breathe in your importance, and
contemplate the universe. As it
is nothing more than the atoms
inside of you.

Look at yourself
Lauren.
Look what you have done.
Look how far you've
fallen.
Look how far you've
come.

Look at yourself
Lauren.
Tell them what you see.
A woman so strong now
broken.
A girl so independent now
weak.

LOOK AT YOURSELF
Lauren.
Don't act like you're fine.
With the way you are
slipping,
you can't afford to
lie.

Look at Dean
Lauren.
Look at Lillian too.
They never got a
chance,
but that's not because
of you.

Look inside you
Lauren.
Look at your heart.
You would of loved
them.
But you weren't ready
to start.

Look at yourself
Lauren.
You are so strong.
He said what he
said,
but you know that he's
wrong.

You love him
Lauren.
That won't go away.
And if he comes
back.
Can you face what you'd
say?

Tell the truth
Lauren.
Yes, you were crushed.
And to forgive him might
be weak.
But I guesss that's just
love.

Look at yourself.

I am not a godly soul.
I am no fool to be told:
when to pray and how
to act. Breaking my back
for some divine pact.

But without god,
where are you?
Does that mean your
soul has withered, too?
You have passed
without us meeting.
But when I'm ready,
will it be you I'm seeing?

Or are you simply
bled and flushed.
Kicked out of my home
much too rushed.
My structures could not
bear your life. You're
cradle broke, despite my
plight.

I am not a godly soul.
No book of hypocrites
can tell me no.
I don't search for answers
in the form of prayer.
But I'd believe in god,
if I could have you here.

Searching for beauty
she stumbles in
darkness.

Convinced the mirrors
on the wall will
talk.

Telling the world
her ugly secrets.
Telling the world of
her inescapable flaws.

Searching for happiness
she clutches at
porcelain.

Loving the purge
in such a sickening
way.

Her insides roll with
aching triumph. Her
lips form a smile on her
***** smeared face.

Searching for peace
she carves out
her skin.

Silencing the voices
that drive her to
this.

Rubies fall from her
open wounds. Lips quivering
at the thought of it all
stopping to soon.

Searching for perfection
she puts on her
face.

Paints her lips
red and straightens
her mane.

Sweaty palms smooth
her barely there outfit.
It's time to test all her
self-injury effort.