I felt broken today
I felt as if everyone who looked at me saw how torn I was
As if they were counting how many pieces of him were stuck in my skin like broken glass
Little bits and pieces stuck everywhere he ever touched me
How can they possibly count them all

I'm starving myself  
My stomach grumbles every few minutes
It's nice to feel
Something

Goodbye isn't the hardest part
I don't know who came up with that
But it's a lie
The hardest part is living your life, for the first time in a while, completely alone
Some may call it Freedom
A new start
I would call it the Aftermath
My world lays in utter destruction
Turmoil
As thunder ruptures above the stormy oceans in my mind
Conflicted waves of emotion flood over me as I go from regret to aching
And the sun seems like it will hide from me forever
As if it can see the darkness inside of me
And thinks that it's the night

I have found a home
In the strength of your grasp
In the life in your eyes
In the music of your soul
In the warmth of your body
And in the beauty of us together

I see you often
In places that only you can take me
Places I can't bear to be without you

These places are all the same to me

Wind from the wings of butterflies grazes my cheek

My heart burns and beats for you in the hot summer sun

Water rushes over rocks as if that is water's only purpose

Sunlight paints the tops of the leaves on the trees around us

Children splash in the water as we walk by

Joyous laughter from their free voices and minds vibrates through me

Angelic voices engulf me as we drive down the highway at sunset

The breeze whips through my hair as we cruise along

Your hand grasps mine tightly and sways to the music

The nighttime falls quicker than I fell for you, but stays for longer than we have together

The tv echoes in the background as we occupy ourselves elsewhere...

In exploring each other, mind and body.

You are the one place I will always cherish

You are the first person that said "you are beautiful" that I actually believed

My mouth dries and my eyes water
My throat tightens and so does my chest as
Our song beats through my headphones and flows with my blood
Warming my insides while I shiver on the outside
I throw your sweatshirt on over my head and sniff it every few minutes to remind myself of you
I forget how to breathe
My breath shortens until I realize I am suffocating myself
The thought of now
The thought of being without you
The thought of how much I care for you
It draws from my soul
It weakens me
I need you.

I don't know if I'm ready
To lay down my guns and
Declare a truce

I don't know if I'm ready
To open the door for you and
Let you inside the walls

I don't know if I'm ready
For anything other than self-sufficiency

I don't know if I'm ready
To hear that not being ready isn't good enough and
That waiting isn't worth it anymore

The trees begin to remind me of the skeletons in my closet

The sky seems to reflect the melancholia in my mind

The wind feels as comforting as an ice bath in February

The ground is as hard as the ice around my heart

The snowflakes are as fragile as my voice when I talk about it...

The icicles imitate my tears as they fall and freeze simultaneously

The moon becomes the only source of light that I can stand

And
This glove takes the place of your warm, soft hand

Music takes me to different places
Makes me think of old faces
Spaces in between the lines I wish I had crossed
Traces of his scent lingering on my sweatshirt

It used to take me far away
Far from the cold place
The time in my life that was empty and a waste
I couldn't wait to get away

It would take me to the first summer I could drive
Blinded by the sunlight
Windows down and no one on sight
Warm air at the end of the night

Now it takes me to him
To the sweet fruit and the smoke
A haze all around us
The bass vibrating in my chest
By heart racing while he's next to me
The music taking me away; taking me with it
Everything that I feel when I'm with him excites me
The music
Oh how it reminds me

There is a certain artistry to the way that two bodies move together
Each movement is so haphazard
Both people not being able to get enough of the the other person
Graceful chaos.
The melding of heart and mind
I different kind of addiction
Adrenaline.
The way that each touch lingers long after everything calms
The way that each movement is committed to memory
I remember it all
Hips moving
Arms sliding
Hair flipping
Nails scratching.
I remember the way it felt as my fingers ran through his hair
I can still feel his scruff on my cheek
I can feel him kiss my neck
I can hear him whisper...

Time has been an innocent bystander in the collection of regrets I call my life
Time has been neither a friend nor an enemy
Until now

Time allowed me to grow
It allowed me to realize who I am
That I am a result of all the time spent on molding the glob of clay that is me

Time brought me to this point
This place in my life where I have a job
College
A promising future
Aspirations
Confidence
And Ethan.

Time has given me my life

Time has moved so slowly
It is only when I look back that I realize how quick it has all been
It isn't until now that I wish time would stop
Slow down
Change course and leave me alone

Time has given me Ethan
But time hasn't given me enough of itself
That stingy *****.
I have only a small pile of sand left with him before the hourglass is flipped and I must move on
Time will take him away from me

Time, who once was my silent acquaintance, has grown jealous of the life it has given me
Time is of the essence
And Time is my Enemy #1

I have more used plastic baggies with remnants of **** left in them than I know what to do with

We’ve gone through so many

Maybe that’s why I can’t remember anything but you…

I like having them

I smell them when I miss you because they smell like you

Because they smell like us.

I have an extra lighter with me because you always forget yours

I light it when I miss you

I touch it when the flame dies just to feel the warmth on the tip of my thumb

It reminds me of how you get a little too close 

It reminds me of your warmth.

That lighter

I love the sound it makes when I grind the gears and press down swiftly

The click and the whoosh of the flame springing to life

It takes me to nights when fireworks and stars paint the sky

It takes me to our rock in our stream in our kingdom of trees and fresh water

It takes me to the sun gleaming in your eyes

It takes me to flower-flourished fields. 

The flame takes me with it as it dances

And I dance through my memories

Tracing my steps until I find each moment we have shared

I dance until my eyes slowly close

And then I dream of you 

I dream of you and wish you were here

But this is just a dream…

I wish we could dance forever.