The only way to find happiness
Is to risk unhappiness
Take a leap
And pray you land on your feet
And that on the way
Nothing gets broken.

teardrops of providence,
intricately kissing the glass
with paint upon their lips.

grunts of a god,
bellows heard from below,
counting the seconds

the numen flashes,
if only for a second
to warn others
calculating the distance

neurons and skin,
reflections in water,
ponderous panting
and her mind is like a

repeat

She was beautiful in her desire to be free, in her hope for love; she was beautiful more in words than her apperance could ever say.
Most days she feels like a failure, caught in the trap of depression and over thinking.
She cried in the car but as she got closer to home wiped away the tears.
She would only be so weak alone, her mother could never know who she was because she wouldn't understand.
She ignored her problems for the millionth time that month, hoping she wouldn't have to wake up the next morning and have to face it.

She has always been a big girl, never finding the motivation to change.
Food makes her happy and brings her closer to the end.
She can't cry with a mouth full.
He soul shakes, feeling so unstable, she cannot steady her mind.
She wants happiness so bad but finds more  pain at every turn.
Her past builds in her gut and her only hope for a future dies more each day.
She will never be the wife and mother she dreams of.
She will be the ashes that grow in the roots of saplings.
She is the lost girl, the gone girl, she is nothing and she is something and all she wants is an escape into the abyss.

He says he's jealous of me.

Because I have a new family.
Because I have new friends.
Because I finally have my life together.
Do you understand?!
Me. He's jealous of ME.
HA. Funny.

He's jealous of:
The girl who has lost *everyone and everything.
The girl who got kicked out of her house because she likes guys *AND girls.
The girl who was forced to go to a church, who brainwashed her into thinking she was a disgrace.
The girl who suffered from mental and emotional abuse for 4 YEARS.
The girl who turned to scissors, and razors for companionship.
The girl who was lied to, again and again.
The girl who lost her grandma, then two months later lost her sister.
The girl who hates her reflection, because she isn't proud of who she is.
The girl with self-image, self-confidence, and self-esteem problems.
The girl who can't see her brothers, the ones that are keeping her going, her anchors.

I've lost EVERYTHING.
Everything I have now, I earned.
I worked for what I have.
And I'll continue striving for my goals.
Graduation. College. My mom.
My brothers.

So, no. Don't be jealous of me.
Don't speak of what you don't know.
If you want to be jealous of me, wait.
Wait until I have everyone and everything I need.
When I am truly happy,
then you can be jealous.
*Be jealous until your heart's content.