One Christmas Eve in Stranraer
I found mahsel' ****** in a bar
Wi' a fat Dumfries ****;
Ach, 'twas easy tae score,
Once I tell't her I'd kipped wi' her Ma.

I spent Christmas morn in Prestwick
Wi' a girl whose lips were aye thick
(not the ones on her face
but in t'other place).
Their hugeness fair crushed ma braw ****.

That night near auld Newton Stewart
Wi' a lass who declined aye tae do it,
I used all mah' charm
And twisted her arm,
But the smell in her breeks made me rue it.

On Boxing Day evening in Ayr,
I met a girl who had a huge pair
Of bonnie fat ****;
They thrilled me tae bits
Before I explored her "doon there".

Galloway lassies are corkers
And Girvan girls are laud squawkers;
But for suckin o' the ****
Tak' yersel' tae Cumnock,
If ye dinnae mind fat spotty porkers.

You're no wondering doubt, in this poem,
Why no lassies have met a fell doom
(so I'll mention the death
of poor ugly Beth
Who got squashed in a ******* in Troon).

While stuffing a turkey last week
I gave the whole dish a new tweak:
I tried not to **** it
As I struggled to fill it;
But the **** pecked my **** with his beak.

I once ****** a ******* a bus;
She had pimples, all oozing out pus;
She said, feigning shock,
"My, what a huge ****!"
But she never noticed my truss.

I once ****** a girl in a train;
She was short, rather fat and quite plain;
The smell of stale *****
Which arose from her bunk
Obliged me to **** her again.

I once ****** a ******* a boat;
She smelled awful, worse than a stoat;
I fingered her ***
Which made us both come
And I wiped the **** off on her coat.

COUNT ORLOK (my alter ego) gets light-hearted in Poem #9*

I'm a vampire who likes to drink blood
And I drink more than I really should.
(I think biting necks
is better than ***).
I'd drink yours if only I could.

The blood of a ****** is best
(it wins every possible test);
But I still like a tipple
From a bite of a ******
On a hot nymphomaniac's breast.

I'm Count Orlok the black vampire bat
And blood-******* is where I am at;
I'll cause lots of pain
To your jugular vein;
I don't care if you're skinny or fat.

One day Professor George Knox
Sunbathed on some Greek rocks;
He saw something rude:
A girl swimming ****.
So he photographed Pandora's box.

I once ****** a ******* a flight
In a plane, when all slept, in the night;
I accept all the blame
For her scream when she came
And which gave the gay steward a fright.

I once ****** a ******* a bike;
And when she asked me if I would like
To do her dear mother
Or her gay little brother
I knew that she must be a ****.

I once ****** a girl in a train;
She was short, rather fat and quite plain;
The smell of stale *****
Which arose from her bunk
Obliged me to **** her again

I know of an alehouse on Skye
Whose toilets stink worse than a sty;
Where drunken old fools
With purple-veined tools
In pools of warm piddle-froth lie.

There was once a barmaid called Sue
Who went in to clean up the loo
The stench was so great
She met a dire fate
When she fainted and drowned in stale poo.

Old Sally had six pints of cider,
When she turned to the man slumped beside her
Who'd groped with his hand;
So she belched twice and
Pumped out the puke from inside her.

I ordered some cheese and a port
To try and banish the thought
Of people's reactions
To Sally's contractions;
Most betting was that she'd abort.

There was once a young man called Rearden
Who went to a callgirl in Sweden;
He said "You're in luck,
I don't want a ****,
All I want is to be seriously ***'d on".

There was once a farmer called Giles
Who had the most terrible piles.
He sat in a field
Until they congealed
And his bumhole broke into smiles.

I once ****** a ******* a bus;
She had pimples, all oozing out pus;
She said, feigning shock,
"My, what a huge ****!"
But she never noticed my truss.

I once ****** a ******* a boat;
She smelled awful, a bit like a stoat;
I fingered her ***
Which made us both come
And I wiped the **** off on her coat.