Sick of paranoia tired of absurd thoughts
Constant grind hearing things assumptions being distraught
If its not derogatory voices talking constantly about me
Random thought will make me act quite obsessively
Cant shake the feeling im being watched all the time
Constant stress of security being hacked on pc and phone
Not ever feeling comfort or content of  being alone
Under surveillance in my house being judged out in the street
Unable to seek the safety of a retreat
Paranoid for my safety, my dog and uncomfortable at home
People assume and judge making up what they don’t know
I'm aware of what the gossips say interfering how far they'll go
Scared of gossip and the damage they can cause
hearing their voices my mind on pause
My lack of faith in anyone causes me to over think
My head works overtime pushing me towards the brink
Every time I begin a psychotic attack
Me and reality become completely detached
As if im being monitored by hateful prying eyes
Convinced that Im someone completely despised
I think im always being watched in my home
Contiguously praying they would leave me alone
Distracted and convinced im overhearing their views
As if my actions are constantly being viewed
I cant ignore constant comments on all that I do
Why me? when will they gain satisfaction?
Im completely unable to find any distraction
I know what is bad and what is wrong
A casualty of misuse is what I cant refrain from
Withering enjoyment with unstable thought
Delusions and mental battles to be fought.

Untamed self control my own worst enemy I can be
I can not be the poison and the remedy
The voices I hear are not in my head
I hear the words as if they’ve been said.
Horrific thoughts I must endure
Collective voices worse than before
The madness escalates, reducing me to an unbalanced state
A break mentally so much others can not relate
Psychotic attack or psychotic illusion
Is it reality or is it a delusion?
Derogatory constant running commentary
Over thinking causing chaos; corrupting my mind
No escape nor shred of peace can I find
The voices I hear don’t stop they don’t give in,
Continuously ranting of dishonourable sin
I attempt to deter from mental confusions
Medically my thoughts are seen as delusions
At the time I'm not convinced I'm deluded
Convinced by distorted reality I've concluded
Distorted assumptions that I have concocted -now real
Escalated with time a darkness clouds how I feel
Negativity takes over positive thoughts
Hearing uttering of endless hurtful talk
Resulting in what I hear as being true
Suspicions conspire then conclusions are drew

Hateful words; closer louder unable to ignore
Detachment from any logical thought
From the derogatory talk I hear is believed
Its how I am seen its how I am perceived
Over thinking causing chaos corrupting my mind
Peace & positivity I can not find
Voices persecuting me to such an extent
Relentless and nasty horrid content….
Like on repeat although the night
I hear them talking but there out of sight
Surely they must tyre of slagging me off
Nasty unimaginative hateful lot

Voices of those that I know and those I am close too;
My mental state decreases concluding its true
Every emotion dark with dread and fear
Panic derived from all that I hear
I cant shut it out all of the time I take it all in
Persecuted of every action I do, I cant win
Unable to recall past psychotic occurrences
No deterrent from the cognitive disturbances

The voices never stop they don’t go away
With given time I’ll believe what they say
Whether it be a regrettable act or gossips fabricated lies
All of my self worth and confidence dies

Auditory hallucinations not willing to stop
All reasoning fact and logic forgot
Blinds my judgement and ability to see
harrowing Paranoia descends to reality
Hearing the conversations and ruthless content
Persecuting me to such an extent
Medically my thoughts are seen as delusions
I attempt to deter from mental confusions

Panic, detached irrational thought assumptions
Loss of control and distraught
When the worst of the worst is easing
Confusion remains
I question was it real or am I insane
I know now what I thought was deluded
I cant believe what I've previously concluded
At the time what I thought was real
Inability to control how I feel
Disbelief descends when delusions ease
relief then comes from what I previously perceived.

I was trying to steer clear of the type I adore
Refrain from where I've went wrong before
Lad about town with that criminal behaviour
In the long run he will not work in my favour
But I cant help my emotions drawn in by they're act
Full of something more that the nice boy had lacked
Shallow outlook I have as nice looks make the package
Cant contain myself from misbehaved Baggage
As I refuse to learn I must endure hurt and loss
As he will be someone that ive never quite got!
The one who wasn't like anyone else
Completely changed how I once felt
A relationship he didn't want as he told me
I thought he’d be someone I’d no longer see
But then confused me completely by staying in touch
Spending most days together increasing my lust
I enjoyed every moment obviously
Each day together un-expectantly
couldn't let go what so ever
Unsure how to be when we were together
No move I did make in case of rejection
But a deep desire to share my affection
One thing I was sure of our time wouldn't last
Certain I’d regain contact as I learnt from the past
Catching my interest always from what I can find
He managed to distract my wayward mind
Cant forget someone that’s given you so much to remember
Hoping that we could spend more time together
Happy where he decided to spend his time
If only for a short while to call him mine.

The fondness and affection which I always came to give,
Has now gone away, simply ceases to exist,
My mind is now contained by a deep and heavy mist-
Cant concentrate on others, nothing more I have to give,
My troubles are now amplified as I proceed to live
My sister stopped me grieving pushing to sell my home,
Her deep seated bitterness is apparent in her tone
Making plans behind my back which has caused me much dismay
Her plans of spending money that will eventually come her way
I don’t feel the security of having family now
The sister connection ended and now one I wont allow
Sick of the pretence and conversation hiding what should be said
Her only ability to understand real life came from something that she read
Dad is no longer with this world neither is my mother
Before mum and I could always rely on one another.
I fear the inner dark thoughts that remain from my losses
Morbidly aware we all bare our crosses
its all out of my control which invokes Hatred I feel
the explosion of uncontrollable feelings are real
fine line breaks quickly between love and hate
am I now on the right path written from fate?
past relationships were fickle I falsely gave love to all
ive created a callous inner wall, scared I cant love and alone I feel
only enjoying intoxication to mask what is real
Life teaches lessons that are not written anywhere
Choices decisions and mistakes are ours to bear
Endlessly trying to focus my attention to hope
To remain so strong and continue to cope.

You lived your life, now you’ve passed away Cremated with nothing left to decay
Grief endlessly lingers more so some days, eternal peace for your soul I do pray.
I have had to begin the process of change
Our home we once shared I've kept just the same
I'm now coming to terms your never coming home
My realisation is I have to  live on alone.
My mind needs to focus on something other than sorrow
Just get through today and find strength for tomorrow
I also kept your belongings the same; just so I have now decided its the time to let go
A change with these surroundings is needed for me
Things have been left for you- its just not healthy
I'm surrounded by items that prevent me to heal
A fresh start to ease the loss and sorrow I feel I've selected items that remind me of you
It’s a sad, hard process I have to see through
To box up and give away the remaining pieces you once owned- Pictures, books and
ornaments to belong in someone else's home.
Its time to start another chapter that’s new
Rebuild and proceed to live life without you
Precious keepsakes will remain in my possession
Reminding me to embrace this life & heal with succession
I wrote this for you mum, if ever you are watching over
Just like your poem said ‘enjoy living in clover’
Also you wrote… ‘live in the present, the past is long dead’
And i’ll  try hard to live by the points you once said
I will always believe there’s a life beyond this
For the departed loved ones we so truly miss.

I long for your presence I want you here with me
I sense you spirit but cannot see
The day that you left this world behind
A piece of my being died inside
Theres an empty hole left behind
Heartache and sorrow are entwined
In every action thought and feeling I have
A big part is missing since you passed
A vial piece is now missing at home
When I enter the house and im all alone
You were my constant my rock my mother my friend
On you I did lean on, on you id depend
I do not feel the need to lay flowers to signify loss
Everyday your in my thoughts and never forgot
You suddenly passed and was taken away
Eternal peace for your soul I do pray
I hope you know how much I loved you
You are missed so much that much is so true.

Another year another day once was celebrated
Now this day is  one that is to be commiserated
I do not need to lay flowers to signify loss
Everyday your in my thoughts and never  forgot
I may not make it to the grave on a specific date
I will come on a day which I chose to relate
Relate to you not being here with me
To show the world I miss you what others do not see.