Desperately seeking your approval
Even though you laugh in my face
You're so opinionated and I act like I don't care
But deep down, I am taking into heart everything you say

I cause fights just to talk to you more
Steam is coming out of my ears
Although, I love to see you smile
I love it when you make fun of me
Because for a split-second, I almost feel accepted

I tell you your flaws, but I made them all up
One second you're an angel, a devil the next
But everyday I want you more
Want to make you think
Want to make you feel

Can't tell you all of this, I can barely tell myself
I could never love you, you're too mean
I could never hate you, you're so nice

This dart is coming closer and closer to your picture
But I think I'll jump in the way
I'd never want to hurt you
Yet I want to cause so much pain

Hate me if you want, at least you're thinking of me
Punch you in reality, kiss you in my dreams
Pick a fight, make a scene, hug you as you sleep

Laugh when you cry, cry as you laugh
You try to push me away but I come running back
I hate you so much, I want you to die
Love you more than that, I'd be lost without you
Such a good friend, you are my foe

You are the worst thing I have ever seen
Yet so beautiful
I shoot myself as I pat myself on the back
I scream at you when I want to sing you a soft lullaby

Slowly play with your hair, lips touching lips
Remembering how many times you've made me punch holes in my walls
Whether to fill them up with love or hate
I cannot decide

There will be days
when I'll early rise,
sneak out for a joy ride,
maybe a hike.
You won't know where the hell I am,
and how could you?
I didn't leave a note.

There will be days when everything ****** me the *******.
I'll snap at you,
say something I'll most likely regret,
then take it back,
begging for forgiveness,
Trying to win you over with my affections.

There will be days when I am a little selfish,
I won't want to share my food,
and I'll want to watch THIS movie.

There will be days when I just don't want to talk to you all that much.
Nothing personal,
I am just processing,
Maybe something you said bothered me
And I am contemplating whether I should confront you
or let it go.
Or maybe it has nothing to do with you at all
and I just need my space.

There will be days when I'll want you to pamper me head-to-toe
And I won't take "No" for an answer
Because I ******* deserve it!

And there will be days when you may ask, "What the hell is wrong with you, woman?!"
I don't have that answer.
Not yet anyway.

But I will tell you this:

Every single day, I will stand by your side,
even when I am off venturing alone.
For you see, when I go off to take care of myself,
I am taking care of you too,
for we are one-in-the-same.

Every single day, I will sit and drink coffee with you,
and we will talk about our dreams, goals,
whatever comes to mind,
whatever your heart desires.

Every single day, we will laugh,
For even on a seemingly bad day,
there will always be humor.

Every single day, I will hug you and kiss you,
even if five seconds prior, I gave you the impression that you didn't deserve it.
You DO deserve it
and it is my mission to prove that to you on a daily basis.

Every single day, I'll love you with my entire heart
and give you everything I have,
for you are my team-mate in this game of life,
and I'm not swapping you out.

No fill-ins.
No one waiting in the wings.
You're it.

And I'm not going anywhere.

Every. Single. Day.

I could feel it
I just knew something bad was going to happen
And sure enough it did.
Self-fulfilling prophecy?
Maybe.

Cheeks flushed from wine
Stomach burning
So easy to go from ecstatic to devastated
Alcohol can be funny like that sometimes

My eyes fill with tears
Uncontrollable
A friend mourning the end of a chapter
Too drunk to realize that there is no end and no beginning

Making sounds I didn't know I could make
from crying
so
*******
hard
I will never fully understand why it hurt so bad

Food just didn't taste quite as good for a few days
That is, when I would make it out of bed to even get a taste.
To say I was devastated would have been an understatement.

I even wrote you a letter that I never sent
Not like you would have read it anyway.
I didn't exist anymore in your world,
so at least I could pretend we had closure and forgiveness, right?

And despite all of this,
I wouldn't change any of it,
and I honestly have to thank you.

Thank you for doing what you did,
saying everything you said
and for everything you didn't say.

I needed you to do that.
It forced me to take a nice, hard look at myself,
fully exposed in the mirror.
It gave me the courage and motivation to make a change.

Judging from outward appearances
and from a distance,
maybe I seem the same.
Same job, same living situation.
But internally,
I am a completely different person
compared to who I was that horrible night.

I love who I am now.
I am better.
I am stronger.
I am confident.
I am open to give and receive.
I am grateful.
I am awake.

I hope that you will one day feel this way about yourself.
Thanks for being my catalyst.