Every emotion I had grasped in my mind from the beginning to end was just aspiring dishonesty. Is it that I wished it was false or was my vague memory creating another sugar-coated scenario? But, this was not sweet. My mind was no longer set to correct my actions. My heart, or what was left in tact ran as far as it could to shelter. But, there was no shelter. My life was wide open as it always had been...but his was not. It never would be. It was not that he lied, but was completely honest. He said he loved me. I was screaming inside. “How could you do this to me...again?” I was always his rubble of emotions to throw out when it was too much for him to handle. Life itself was way beyond his reach. I could never comprehend this about him. All I ever wanted to do was love him. But, without his mind being clear he himself would never be present in love or any situation for the matter, and he would soon disappear. Extinct to the society where love was the farthest, but yet greatest reward. It was not an excuse. Not this time. Not ever. I guilted at these words.
How could I damage him anymore than he already claimed to be? He could say that it was not me. It did no use. I always grasped the thought that I could **** one’s self worth. It was not my intention. I spent so long blaming it on love. I was right. How else could I betray the one friend that made my life a shameless place for me to show self expression? I did it for him. He held my heart to a higher amount than his own.

tear into my flesh
and open me up like
a raider would his treasure
rip my bolts off
fling me open
do not be surprised
when there is nothing inside

amalgamate with my flesh
and melt into me like
the snow to the loam
mingle our ventricles
synthesize with me
do not be surprised
when life becomes heavier

pour into my flesh
and fill me up like
the ocean into the wreckage
suffuse every corner
expel my atmosphere
do not be surprised
when you watch me asphyxiate

lacerate my flesh
rip into me like
the galaxy into the unknown
eagerly penetrate my depths
pull me apart
do not be surprised
when you only see your reflection

decamp from my flesh
and jilt me like
the bride did her lover
abandon my body
cast it aside
do not be surprised
when you lose your way

my computer is dying and you're gone and i'm glad but you keep trying to poke your way back in through tiny cracks that i ought to seal but instead i leave open because if you found them closed you would ache and i can't do that even if it is what you deserve and i am already moving on because someone else appreciates me and i appreciate me and you didn't so you're gone and i'm glad and someone is quickly appearing in my peripheral but i don't want them to be you and i don't want to want them because of you as far as i can tell i just like them and so you're gone and i'm glad but you keep seeping in through these cracks that i should probably seal soon because it's rather annoying to see little bits of you here and there and i don't want them around because i'm moving forwards and i don't want you around because you're gone and i'm glad and if you'd stay gone i'd be gladder

you, who loved me so unconditionally, loved me only for so long.
you, who made promises for the future, knew not what our futures held.
you, who handcuffed me to your shadow, snuck quietly away into the darkness.
you, who feared being left alone, did not at all fear leaving another lonely.
you, who stole my heart and kept it to yourself, built up walls to keep you guarded.
you, who wound me around your finger, stayed far away from mine.
you, who spoke the words 'i love you', spoke lies.

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

You are the beautiful nightmare that haunts me awake;
into a place where my reality seems nothing but-
**bland and opaque.

I wish I could take it all back.
Our memories, are times
Back when we were fine.
our laughs, and our walks
and our midnight talks.

Part of me is missing
now you're gone.

You promised not to leave,
*Silly me for believing you.

you sent me a love letter, a message in a bottle
but when i cracked it open i cut up my hands.
i guess i’m the same way;
i wrote you a love song
but i forgot i didn’t know how to sing,
so i yelled the words at your window like
i was flinging pebbles and you told me to put down
my boombox because i was going to wake up
the whole **** neighborhood
with my teenage angst,
my painfully naive i love you-s.
i think my heart is too loud for suburb lawns
and white picket fences.
and i guess that’s the trouble with us;
we were always
controlled chaos, a dormant volcano
and all the kids counted down to the eruption
like they were waiting for the other shoe to drop  
and numbered their calendars for a date
that should’ve been on a unmarked grave.
and we’ve just got short fuses,
kisses and bruises
because when someone is the pin to your grenade
when someone is the oil spill to your wildfire
you’ve always got to be wary of explosions.
and we were always going to ***** each other over,
we were always going to
burn too bright, burn out too fast.
because i was just a pretty girl in a sundress,
and this is just a memory you’ve been trying to repress
hand clenched in the fabric of us,
so determined to not let the inevitable happen on schedule.  
and i love you so i’ll ruin you, it’s inevitable
and i love you so you’ll leave, it’s inevitable
and i love you so it’s not going to work out like i want it to.
it’s just... inevitable.
there’s no avoiding it the future unless
you take your own away.
sometimes i have to remind myself five times a day
that destruction, that implosion,
that falling apart isn’t as poetic as i think it is.
and now, i’m biting my tongue to keep from saying
baby, bring home the wreckage
maybe there’s still something there for us to salvage
and if we're a sinking ship, i'll go down with you
and if we’re doomed, i’ll be ****** with you.
because i’m still thinking there’s an off chance,
because i’m still thinking that maybe if you still...
i’m still thinking that all this time
i was just wishing on the wrong star and there’s still a chance,
there’s still wishes to waste
and coins to throw in the fountain
and eyelashes to count on.
but you know somebody once told me
that the stars aren’t really there, we’re just seeing
footprints of where they used to be.
we’re always looking a galactic graveyard, a sky littered
with the star-studded remains of supernovas.  
always thought you were more of a black hole than a star,
but maybe there’s some truth to every cliche;
i see everywhere you used to be clearly,
i can see your presence in every absence.
because i miss you terribly
and i know i’m not supposed to.
but i still wonder what you’re thinking about sometimes.
i still wonder about the stars
you’re looking at sometimes.
i still wonder if we see
the same constellations
anymore.