To my future lover:
Please find me quick because I am fading fast

I almost texted you today on my sisters phone pretending to be her
I realized that you are the best liar I have ever seen and that makes me love you more.
I miss you I miss you I miss you.
And my heart will not stop screaming your name into my brain.

Lie to me.

Say that you
Want me
Need me
Love me.

I'm not feeling enough.
The razor is too dull.
The sleep is too short.

Maybe your lies will be strong enough.

I am a worthless piece of of ****

If I like you then we won't be together.
Its my rule.
I broke it and he left me bruised.
So back to basics.

I took a shower this morning but no matter how hard I scrub the bad won't come off of me.

I have two beautiful sisters.
Sometimes I have okay
self image, but
it can be hard.

Dezi has that blond hair, brown eyed all american look. She's got a **** and curves but is still petite.
She thinks she looks good most of the time but sometimes she is throws fits about clothes and I know what she's thinking.
Yesterday she made fun of how hairy my belly is. I need to shave I guess.

My sister Karen is gorgeous. Eating disorder makes her skinnier than she already is. But she still has curves. She throws up her food before I'm even done with mine and she's slowly killing herself.
She doesn't get that she's slowly killing me too.
And sometimes when I feel weird after i eat I wonder if I should just stop.

I'm the oldest so I try to act okay. They don't know that I just cut this morning or that them both smoking causes me to cry sometimes. They don't realize that I know I will never be enough. That I only allow myself to sleep with guys that I don't care about because its better than getting my heart broken by someone I love.

Last night my dad said he didn't love me.
Two weeks ago the boy I love lied to my face and chose someone else. Forgot about me.

I used to want to die. I still do but the ****** thing about that is I can't because I have to make sure my sisters are okay.

I need a friend who cares and a boy who loves me would be nice too. Romantically.

Cross my fingers.
Cross my heart.
I'll be good just please
help me.

Small cut on my right
hip. Small enough to be
okay, large enough to
remind me
that I will never be good
enough.

Somedays
it all gets too
much.
The glue won't hold my insides together.
The string that patched up my heart unravels.
Sometimes we just break.
And we say yes to those things we once left behind.
And I'm not saying it's okay.
I just
understand
that sometimes in order to go
forward
we have to take a step
back.

I am shaking and I just want somebody to love me.

And Sleeping with Sirens and Ron Pope and Parachute are playing in the background.
I am sitting. Hands around my knees, drowning in my ******* tears.

I want to be held.
Hold me.
Hold me.
I am falling.

And nobody cares.
Nobody cares.

I am talking to someone else and I trying to convince myself that I could fall in love be with him but I just keep seeing your face.

Our conversations were poetry and nonsense and broken promises and I miss you.
I am a ******* loser because I miss you.

I should hate you and believe me I do but tonight I miss you.

I once read that we spend all of our lives rewriting the first poem that we ever fall in love with.

I guess that when I was born the universe whispered your name in my ear.

Because that's what I am writing. Over and over again. Your name.

My love.

I will write about how I miss you until the universe brings us together again.

Till the wind whispers your name.

And then. I will spend the rest of my life rewriting you.

Over and over.

Every kiss. Every sound. Evey way you love.

Until our hearts are imprinted together.

Until the universe realizes that there is no you without me. That ours souls cannot be spereated.

And even then. On that day. I will write about it.

I am standing atop
a
parking garage.
I am a whirlwind.
I am lightening.
I am thunder.
If I jump
off.
Will I float?
Or will the weight of everything
make me sink.

Today I look up one way tickets on the greyhound and think about

dissapearing.

Its such a
slippery *****.
Cutting
didn't
make me feel
much better. And
yet. I'm wanting
to do it
again

I am not a poet.

I am just a ****** up girl with a skewed perception.

I am composed of heartbreak and battle scars and I try but not enough.
Never enough.

I am not a poet.

I don't know iambic pentameter. I stay up too late and make coffee at the wrong time.

I yell when I get angry and I love too much when I love.

I am begging you to love me. Whoever you are. Fall in love with my poetry, if not with me.

I am not a poet. I am just a young woman tired from life and ready to move forward but too scared to go alone and I want you to hold my hand.

I do not just love you. I also hate you. I am both and I am none.

Do you understand!

I AM NOT A POET!!!!!!

I am not good enough smart enough pretty enough

I will love you until my heart breaks.

I am not
Not
Not
Not
A ******* poet.

I just write out my tears in prose.

I am alone.
I am
alone.
Rescue me. No amount of
indie live songs and
ice cream.
New girl. Popcorn. Sleep.
I am still
alone.
I don't want to live like this anymore.
Pretend to want me. I am
begging you. Take
advantage of me. Please.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I  am alone. And no amount of anything
will
change that.

Yesterday I had my heart
ripped apart
stomped on
shattered till there was
nothing left.
Last night I cut my leg.
And I miss him tonight.
and i miss him tonight.
I know loneliness is a part if life
but
I just want that part to
end for
a little
bit.

Crumpled
Broken
Fragments
Used
****
*****
Heaven
Just love me

Will somebody pretend to
be in love with me
just for tonight.

All you ever did was lie. You took me in with jokes and words and kisses. You broke me with lies and betrayal and I would have never been good enough.
2. If I am pregnant I just hope it doesn't turn out like you.
3. I love you. Still. Please. One more time.
4. Just kidding. I'm lonely and I know it will never work. I hate you. I hate you.
5. How could you do this. I would have given you everything.
6. I thought that maybe for a second you loved me back. I guess you just got glassy eyed trying to remember which lie to tell.
7. I am drowning in my tears. You said you would be there.
7. I don't believe in love but I believed in you.
7. Go **** yourself.
8. I want to tell your stupid girlfriend so bad. So so so bad.
9. I hate you.
9. I love you.
10. Please text me back. If I texted you I know you would ignore me but I want you to listen. I need you for tonight. Just one night.

Its on night
when I hate you
the most
that I
wish
you were here.

I don't think in
thoughts.
I think in
poetry.

I deserve someone
who loves me
back. You
you said that you
"wish you could". I want more than
wishes.
I want poetry and embraces and car rides.
I want ice cream and nose touches and sleepy smiles.
I thought you were something
that you
are not.
I fell in love with the way you
made me laugh, smiled, and how you looked when you
slept.
I think I fell in love with who
I wished
you were.
Because, my love, I don't
recognize you
anymore.

Something I've learned
is that these
hole
inside of us
cannot all be filled.
Sometimes we just have to learn
how to be happy
with them.

Do you know what it is to
silently wail?
To scream, pushing open
your lips until the world knows you are
mourning, but
absolutely no sound comes out.
To shake and shiver and have tears
roll onto your neck.
But no whimpering. No shows.
And you scream so
loudly.
But its all in your head. Because they
don't understand. That
*******. I'm a poet and I cry
every time I use the bathroom
at school. You just don't
listen.

I would love you more than she ever could.
2. I came home and cried, then showered and cried and then slept and cried. Can you kiss my tears away?
3. Why am I not enough? What is so wrong with me? I love you but you can't return the favor.
4. Your lips are beautiful. The way you grab me close. The things you say in your sleep. You are silly and frustrating and enticing and all together beautiful.
5. I saved one of your poems. It could have been about anybody. It could have been about me. I wish it were about me. My answer would be yes. I hope hers is too.
6. I wouldn't mind you breaking my heart as long as you loved me gently while it lasted.
7. What is it about her? Are you happy? You never answered that question.
8. I want to hear poetry about me fall from your lips.
9. Friday, when we went out and made love, was one of those date days that I wanted.
10. Can we just go back and eat ice cream and hula hoop and type on hats?
11. Please don't ignore me now. I want to kiss your lips every time I see you but  I will stop myself. I almost laid my head on you at rehearsal but then remembered.
12. I'm sorry that I fell in live with you. I hate myself for it.
13. If I showed you this would you are? I want you to grab me tight and not let go. Tell me that you do want me you're just scared. I'll hold your hand. Make my dreams reality.
14. Darling. You make me dizzy. You are words cannot express. You were mine and I was yours, no matter how short it lasted.

I love you.
Love is breaking me.
It is taking me.
Bundling up my heart and
running.
Darling, look over here.
This is me and this is real.
And I don't know when or why or how.
But I know.
I would let it go. My
heart.
Baby. Love me back.
I am pleading and begging and crawling in this earth.
Right now I love you and my heart is breaking and my earth is shattering.
And I want you. I need you like I need to see the sky.
Anything. Anywhere. That is the length I would go.
Beautiful. You are.
Tomorrow I will see you and I will smile and you will hold her and she will be yours.
Do you remember you calling me yours.
Mine.
If it burns. If that romance fails find me. My love isn't fickle.
I apologize. I am unloveable. Cursed to give yet not recieve.
But you. You are the sunshine. You are grass. You are wind.
You feel like love.

I am starting to
realize
that he
will never
love
me back

So if anybody
on here wants to
talk
Please please please
message me.
I am in need of a
friend.

I am too much.
I feel too deeply
I live too much.
I think too big.
I want more than is possible.
I cannot stop dreaming.
This is my curse

I want to go
eat milkshakes and
forget about
the world.

I don't think love has a definition. So giw do I know that what I felt, what I feel for you isn't love? And I know that I'm just me and I'm not inside if your head but I want to believe that you feel something for me too. Maybe it was all just a game. But I believed you when you said it wasn't. Everybody deserves a happy something and even though this whole **** thing blew up in my face I did get that. I got that happy something for a little while. What about you? I want to say that I wouldn't go back but honestly. If you showed up right now I would make love over and over again with you. I would feel pain and happiness religiously if you wanted it too. But that's the thing. Maybe I love you and maybe this is just wishful thinking but I get to decide. I choose more. I know you don't and I get it. But I would kiss you in the rain and make you laugh and try to be **** and cuddle and listen to your sleepy mumbles. I'll sing in the car and eat not enough food and go mini golfing and make love and kiss you until our breathes become one. Know this. Know that I am an option. You simply chose to give up.

I am gluing my eyes
shut
with mascara and tears.
I can't bear to see you strive to not see me
and to
look at her.
I am bruised and I feel so
stupid.
I should have known.
I should have known.

How can you do this.
I trusted you.
Did I do something?
I can't deal with it.
Sorryy. I'm sorry
Please..
My heart is ******* hurting.

******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* *******
I deserve someone who loves me back

Why do
I
keep believing
you?

God. I am in so
**** deep.
I don't know if I can
get out.
I know that I
don't mind.

I have decided that I
do not
believe in love.
Which is easier?
To knew that
it will never work and
become
heartbroken
daily or to
hope that it will and fall apart at the
end.
I do know this.
"I can write the saddest thing of all."
To look into his eyes
To kiss his lips
To laugh, to be silly.
To fall.
I am. I am. But I
I don't believe in love.
Everyday I break my heart so that you cannot.

I have written far too many
poems
for a boy who will never be
mine.
But oh, I will write so many more
if he was.

My heart and my mind are waging a war.
But I know who will win.

I don't want to sleep alone
tonight.
I don't want to have dreams for two
in a bed with just
one.

Napping this
afternoon
with you
was adorable.
My darling,
let's do it again.
I want to hear your sleepy mumbles
and feel your body against mine.
You kept calling me yours.
"Mine".
I'll be yours. I'm already
yours.

I ****** up.
I just want you to make love with me.
I'll forget about her. I will.
I know you care
its just hard to believe that
someone like you could
care
about someone
like me.

Today
I am
angry
and selfish.

Yesterday he said that we couldn't kiss or make love (and yeah, that's what I'm calling it). He said he wants to work on things with his girlfriend.
I don't think he remembers how five months ago he was miserable in this same relationship. And we kissed and I gave up and I stopped talking to him. And I stayed with my lover and he with his.
But my lover is no more and I want to be his. And he doesn't know if he's happy but he doesn't leave and I can't do anything except watch my heart break and hold out hope.
So I lay here, crying and waiting for somebody who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I don't know if thy exist but I have to try.
I can't play these games with him. I can't let him hold my heart if he's not sure what to do with it.
I want to be enough to take a risk for but I'm just me.  
I wonder if he's making love to her tonight.
I wish it were me.

When you look up at the sky tonight know that you are seeing an expanse that is no where near as wide as my love for you.
I may not know you. I love you. Tonight my heart is filled with ache and thoughts of you.
As I listen to my indie love songs all I hear is the story of our future. We will look back at our pasts and smile with reverence because it worked out. We found each other.
I am searching for you. High and low, far and wide. One day we will bump noses and realize. It's here.
You are lovely. Your lips are the sweetest thing I will ever taste and your body will be the best thing I ever collapse into.
I will fall into you like the sun into the darkness. I will drink you in like the richest latte I have ever tasted. I will soak up your love like the bubbles in my bath.
I will fall in love with every frustrating, intoxicating move that you make. I will both love and hate you and at times I may not know which. I will write far too much poetry about you so that one day future generations may fall in love with you too.
I do not know you but I love you to the depths of the seas and higher than the clouds. I am my lovers and they are mine. We are two broken hearts colliding. Fitting. We will find each other. I'm searching.

Tonight
I want
to fall
in love

After you are bleeding on the floor
crawling to something
anything
that will take away
the heartbreak.
It is that exact moment.
As you whisper
Never again.
That is the moment love whispers
Come.
And crawling, broken, bruised.
You do

Afterwards you looked
stricken. But you
held
me.
And we talked. Kind of.
Words don't always come so easily.
I told you about jealousy and you spoke of confusion.
Two people can make you feel. I believe that.
I asked what
who
made you happy.
I've been making you happy lately. Its like you had to force those words up. Something scared you and I know they're true but I'm still scared too.
You said it can't happen again and I stood for honesty
So you explained. "I said it can't happen. Not that it won't."