Yesterday we
had ***
(I wouldn't call it making love yet)
It wasn't amazing.
Didn't blow my mind. Change my world.
But it comforted me. Even in between the "we shouldn'ts".
And I know its at someone's expense.
But that's not how I see it.
It's also at our happiness.

I overromantice everything.
The way you held me tight.
You are always running your hands through my hair.
There is so much tension between our goodbye and our kiss and our goodbye again.
You said you love my smile. That you like me "a lot more than I should". That I'm totes adorbs.
And you are frustrating and terrifying and intoxicating and I want to drink you in like a mug of coffee.
And when we talk or we cuddle or we just sit. It doesn't feel wrong.
And I deserve this. I want this. **** her and rules and everyone.
Because I've been giving away parts of key body for so long that I forgot what it feels like to share my heart.
And it feels like hope and summer and bad decisions and confusion and snapchats and ****** Mac n cheese and weird music and new beginnings.
And I'll hide with you. Let's hide from the world. We can't share this newly blossoming romance and maybe its better that way.
This is honest. And raw. And poetic. And full of lust and terror and emotion.
I want to kiss you until our breathes are taken away. I want to hold you until you forget. I want to get coffee and get drunk and get high with you. I want to feel.
Thank you for helping me feel.

I don't date
anymore.
But with you I wouldn't
mind
being stupid and letting go.
I mean
I kind of
already
am

As we
sleep
you whisper
I love you
to her

Kiss my tears away. Kiss them away.
I need you.
I used to believe in fairy tales and now I'll settle for someone who just grabs me tight and lives me until I fall asleep.
Make my hands hurt from writing so much **** poetry about you.
Promise me you won't go and keep it.
Just ******* keep it.
When you read this know that km crying and missing you and I don't know you but my heart does. But my soul does.
These bruises in my skin. These scratches on my back are from trying to fill a void that is so far inside of me I can't even see the bottom.
Bit I'm looking and I'm stepping and   screaming the words to this Ron pope song in hopes that they materialize in the form of you.
I will hold your hand and make you laugh. I will kiss you until you can't breathe. I will live you until all you know is love.
I'm here. Waiting. Searching. I know you are too.
Take my hand. Let's rest

As I kiss your
Cigarette stained mouth
You whisper
I love you.
Let's drink coffee and talk about
The universe.
Ignore the world in front
Of us

If I
Fu

*******
Poets
Making me want more than I
Deserve

I slept with a guy last night
that i
started talking to
yesterday afternoon.
I am beginning to
realize
that I need
heartbreak
pain
passion.
Not this game that two
disconnected souls
play
as they grasp desperately
at
trying to
feel.

I am composed of
heartbreak
and
poetry

She believed
She wasn't
good
enough
and so
she
wasn't

Be my lover.
I will hold your hand and run through the rain.
I will kiss you under a midnight sky, overcast with stars.
I will hog the radio and scream-sing at the top of my lungs.
I will drink far too much coffee and read never enough poetry

Be my lover.
You will smile at me and call me beautiful.
You will pick me up for late night coffee and ice cream runs.
You will make love to me and show me what it is to fall.
You will have a past and a present and a future and it will be beautiful.

Let's be lovers.
We will kiss and cuddle and love.
We will fight and scream and curse.
We will live and ride this crazy life out until our infinity ends
We will be a miracle, a crazy, insane, happy, miracle.

The worst part about
living with my
sister and her
boyfriend is that
they are a
pair.
They go to cuddle and I'm here,
pinteresting John Green and writing
poetry. Trying to
convince myself that
this is just as
good. This is equal to cuddling with a lover.
But both my
brain and heart
are too smart for that
****.

I don't want to
******* see
pictures of you with your new
girlfriend and "kid".
You didn't know what you
wanted. You got scared that
we
might
be pregnant. So, you run.
Like the ***** you are.
And you go to her.
She broke your heart years ago, she abandoned you when you needed her.
She just had a baby.
You can't even grow up.
And I hate you.
I hate you.
So, don't ******* try to ask me why I
blocked you on facebook.
Because you chose this.
You chose this.
I can't let you keep stomping on my already bruised heart.

If I cut you
out
of
my
life.
Then sorry, but I'm not sorry.

I woke up this morning and
all my thoughts
vibrated and repeated and spun.
And an alien had pushed wire into the
center
of my
brain and was stabbing
harder.
And I tried not to panic
And I tried not to think
I remembered how you would get angry
It was just another sign of my craziness, right?
Well, guess what?
This morning, I dealt with it. No panic attack.
By myself

When
most people find out
that someone
they like
has feelings for them too
they are
happy.
They smile.
I'm crying.
I cry.
Because it doesn't matter.
I can never say yes

Why the
hell
does life get so
difficult and confusing and sad.
I son't know what to
do.

i
did
it

I'm breaking
b
r
e
a
k
i
n
g
I cannot be strong anymore.
Where the **** is help

Tonight I want to
cut.
Well, I actually want to be
loved.
But that's not happening

I don't know
if I write
poetry
or just
diary entries in
prose

i dont know what to do i dont know what to do i dont know what to do i dont know what to do
i cant cant cant be strong anymore i cant do it
let me be let me be
i need to fall apart but i dont know how
to fall apart without coming apart at the seams and never coming back together
im scared

I try to hold it all in but i can't
not tonight
im bawling and listening to music and writing poetry
and im falling
apart
i need you
i need you
what the **** did i do to make everyone
go away
i want somebody to help me
i cant do it anymore
im begging for help
please

My sister told me to
*******
today. She's the reason that I
keep it all
together.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm not strong enough.

I am not okay but I have to act like it's all fine. I'm so tired and lonely and I just want somebody that I can call up at two in the morning and go get coffee with. I wish I was pretty enough and smart enough and funny enough. But I'll never be enough. I hate myself. So so much and I just want it to stop.

I used to say that
you
felt like coming home.
And when you left
I
was
devastated.
But, I've realized that
the only home that there is
is inside
me.

To all the religious people
just waiting to
comment on
my
statuses
about how much
"god loves you, but your wrong".
Just get the *******.

I am a
****** being.
Not a
*** object

I'm a feminist because I deserve to walk down the street to the grocery store without getting the **** scared out of me by a honking car. I'm a feminist because although I may have short hair that doesn't make me a lesbian. And if I am a lesbian or bisexual or straight that's all okay. And it's all my business, not yours. I'm a feminist because when I go to look up a **** to watch, it takes so long to find one that isn't demeaning. I'm a feminist because I shouldn't have to make jokes about sleeping around to make it okay. Other people shouldn't judge me on my amount of ****** partners. I'm a feminist because everyone deserves a comprehensive *** education that teaches about all sorts of choices, not just abstinence and not just heterosexual experiences. I'm a feminist because I want to wear a bandeau in public and not be thought of as a ****. I'm a feminist because I hate shaving my legs and that's okay. I'm a feminist because women still make less then men and it's 2014. I'm a feminist because boys are still not supposed to cry, because a girl said that she think trans people shouldn't be on T.V. I'm a feminist because I believe that people should be judged by the way they act and how they treat others, not by their genitalia, something that wasn't even their choice. I'm a feminist because every time a little girl is liberated so is a little boy. I'm a feminist for that little boy in daycare who dresses up as a fairy and for my friends who aren't "straight", for the guy who I know is gay but has to hide because even he believes it's wrong. I'm a feminist for all the children out there being told who they have to be before they even know who they want to be. I'm a feminist because I can't not be.

Can I just
break down and
let it all out.
So tired of
being
okay
perfect
normal.
I just want to
cry
scream
talk.
I need somebody to
hold me and
listen
and be there.
I need somebody to understand.

"Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you"
I want to fall
in love
tonight.
How about you?

I miss my mom.
Not the one that gave
birth and
"raised" me.
No, I miss the one that I never had.
She'd come home and give me a pint of ice cream and a smile.
She'd help me believe I'm enough.
She'd just be there.
I just want her to be here.

I just
need
to run away
from
myself.
Just for a little
bit.

I'm so scared of so much. Of life, of love. I let this fear get to me and then I end up doing nothing, being nothing. I want to be brave and adventurous and **** and carefree and while I may be able to pretend, I'm not really. I'm not any of those things and I hate it. I hate myself. I'm trying to better myself. My school attendance has gone up, I've been cleaning, I think I got the job I interviewed for. It's not enough. That's the problem. I push myself so much that I'll never be good enough. I'll never pass the bar, cross the finish line. And the sad thing is, I think I like it that way. It's not that I don't want to be an A+ human being, it's that I know I don't deserve to be one. And so everything is only okay. Sure, I cleaned the house last night, but eww, look at that. Such a **** up. Wow, you got 2 hearts on that poem. And you call yourself a writer. Wannabe loser. Didn't go to school today? How do you ever expect to go to college? Failure, dumb, *****, ****. I don't even know how I would deal if I loved instead of hated myself. I think that's why I date losers. They magnify the fact that I'm worthless, not good enough. It's terrible, but it's my life and that's that. But doesn't it make me mediocre for not trying harder to change it? And if I do try and change then I don't make it good enough. It's a cycle.

Happiness doesn't have to be
complicated.
Nice weather
Getting to eat
Not self harming today
Family, especially those that we choose
Technology
I don't know.
I'm in a hopeful
mood.
And I'm realizing that while looking at the big picture,
life looks ******.
But when I break it down, just look at today.
I had a **** good day.

I love to write.
It's like opening a door to something that I never knew existed.
It's a breathe of fresh air.
It's being able to smile even when I'm crying.
Although, I don't
know. If I write or if
poetry
writes me.

You know what?
So I fell in love and I had my heart stomped on and broken.
I'm not done.
I can swear up and down that I'm done with love
but
I'm not.
God, I fall in love
all
the
time.
It's written into my
dna. I can't stop this
feeling.
This self-inflicted torture.
I fell in love with the lunch that my sister made me.
The little boy in daycare who insisted that I'm a boy.
The way the cold hugged my bones.
This poem that I'm writing.
The song that is playing.
No, when one is loving all the time,
it makes it
impossible to
stop.

I'mcryingandicantstopandidontwanttostopandimstotiredanditsclosing­inonmethedarknessisclosinginandijustwantyoutolovemeandijustwantso­mebodytolovemeandwhydontthey
why dont they
why
why
why
dont they

God. I am so tired
of this
life. What did I
do?
What did i do?
I want to be sitting in the park with someone who
loves me.
And we'll be singing and talking about
the meaning of life.
And I'll get cold and he'll hold me.
He'll hold me.

I'm crying
as I sing
songs that I
know
will never come true
in my
****** up
life.

Hey?
Anybody?
Wanna cuddle and cry and read poems and drink tea?
Wanna be happy and sad?
Wanna be together?
I'm so tired of being alone.
What about you?

Tonight I'm getting
drunk off
poetry,
love indie songs,
hope,
sadness,
heartbreak,
the absence of life.

I think
my
grandma
died.
But I don't talk to my
mom
anymore
so I'm not sure.
I feel numb.
I'm not okay.
I'mnotokay.
I'm done with this.
I want to be done with this.

You don't just get
to
come over and make
small
talk
like everything is fine.
*******.
*******.
You opened the
gates. You gained control
again.
That's what it was about.
You always had to be in
charge.

I keep reading these poems
about love,
fresh love, new love, true love.
But all I can think about
is how
sad, beautiful, heartbroken
these poems will be
when that
love
ends.

I want to fall in love with
a poet/hippie
who loves me
back and who
writes poetry that I get
and
understands that I stay up all night
shoving the nightmares
away.
Somebody who smokes cigarettes, so we can argue about the little things.
Get drunk with me, get high with me.
But not all the time,
we'll have each other.
Let's do silly things, let's mini golf and cook and love and
be lovers.
And hold me tight.
And please. Please.
Please mean it when you say that
you won't go.

It's one of those days
where
I need
a pint of Ben and Jerrys
my blanket
laptop
something to cuddle with.
It's one of those days
where
I need
to be alone.
There's no one
to be
with

I don't think I can take
it
if I see him today.
He doesn't even
*******
go to
college
here.
Washed up loser **** ***.
Stay home and get high and play video games.
That's all you ever wanted,
right.
No responsibility