Should I hate you?
For all the things you've said,
I should hate you.

Should I love you?
For all the smiles we've shared,
for all the secret glances,
all the dreams,
the kisses,
I should love you.

I want to love you.
I want you.

You think I'm crazy.
I should hate you.
I love you.
I shouldn't.

She puts her make up on in the bar bathroom
turning pink lips red
that when opened will stun the crowd

She puts her hair up when she's not onstage
letting the sweat dry
that will pour when she's in front of the lights

She sips her beer leaning against the wall
coating her throat
that will emit the sounds to accompany the beats

She may become someone else when she sings
but she never changes
for out of the spotlight she is the same she's always been

Western Montana rain fell
as songs played that reminded me of you
even songs I've never heard before
made me remember your touch.

Windshield wipers wiped away the water
but my lashes couldn't stop the tears
as southern Idaho came into view
here is where I used to stay with you.

This interstate never seemed so lonely
as the winds picked up and the storm raged
I should pull over and wait out the flood
but I have to keep going to get this town,

to get past you.

it was the end of the world
over a bottle of wine you kissed me
the bombs fell on the roof

we hopped fences
we dodged debris
hearts racing
running faster

people cried out from burning buildings
we pulled them along with us
the whole time you held onto my hand

we hid under cars
we held each other
hearts racing
running faster

we didn't want to leave this world alone
you looked into my eyes
reflecting the flames around us

did you make it out alive
were you looking for me
hearts racing
running faster

It is my secret, hidden this
fever that boils under my skin.
Burning sensations through our kiss.
It is a secret, hidden this
heartache for a man I can't miss.
In a battle I can not win.
It is my secret, hidden this
fever that boils under my skin.

the thoughts he shares
from miles away
implies he cares

when he was here
he shared the same
invoking in him fear

he took every word
cast them down
no more she heard

in the whispered night
sharing secrets
brought new light

he says he's coming back
it worries her
no emotion she may lack

for when he speaks
not knowing he lies
to the lonely girl he seeks

she carries each word
though she knows she shouldn't
most go unheard

he should be warned
each letter mouthed
she is warmed

it appears he cares
when he continues
with thoughts he shares

I've gotten my hopes up.

Angry at myself
frustrated with this feeling
I let him get to me.

Heart always on a shelf
I must begin dealing
with what isn't to be.

Maybe I shouldn't give up,
quite yet,
but it still hurts.

It may be just a bump
I shouldn't be upset
I'll still flirt.

But,

I've gotten my hopes up.

Sitting in
torture
under your thumb
calling your name
killing my soul.

I could sit here and wait.
Wait for you to say,
what I've been wanting,
needing to say.

The best thing for me to do
right now,
is to leave you alone.
At least until I can speak.
Speak the words
that will be best understood.

Three little words,
from my lips,
would say it all,
but I don't think you're ready.

Use this town
as a stepping stone,
a way out.
Use this town
as a home base,
a rest stop.
Use this town
as a photo album,
a scrapbook.
Use this town,
get to know it
inside and out

then move on.

I couldn't live if you loved her.
I couldn't breathe if you kissed her.
I couldn't move if you touched her.
I couldn't speak if you whispered to her.
I couldn't sleep if you dreamt of her.
I couldn't smile if you laughed with her.
I couldn't feel if you cared for her.
If you don't love me
love anyone but her.
I couldn't live if you loved her.

Cigarettes on your breath,
your lips moist despite summer's heat,
they're not dry, cracked, or swollen.

Holding me close with your scent so distinct.

Your presence,
sending chills down over my body.
Just you, simple YOU.
That's all I need.

**YOU

I wonder if you listen to the same bands...

hold on,
I've written this before.

I just want to know what kind of man you became.

What will I write about
if I fall in love?
I only know of lust,
of pining.

It gives me doubt:
what will I write of?!
Heartbreak turned to dust,
lights shining.

This emotional drought,
can I rise above?
Find in you some trust,
my silver lining.

It's a new route,
writing of love.
To try, I must!
No more whining.

This beautiful thing they call love
is nothing but a constant ache.

A pain that starts in your head
and retires in your heart
where it grows.

Thriving on memories
touches
laughs
looks
words

until it bursts
and your heart explodes
into millions of pieces.

Ruined.
This beautiful thing they call love,

kills you.

I saw your smile from across the patio,
it lit up the night.
I heard your laugh as I talked with friends,
it rang in my ears.
I glanced your way and my heart stopped,
blood ceased to flow.

I didn't know you'd be here.

I long to touch your lips,
I long to hear your voice saying my name.
I long to feel your heart beat in time with mine.

I saw your smile from across the patio,
I saw you smile for her.
I heard your laugh as I talked with friends,
I heard you laugh for her.
I glanced your way and my heart stopped,
I heard your heart stop for her.

I didn't know you'd be here.
I didn't know you'd be here.

If it wasn't me
then what was the reason
you stayed?

I spent so long
believing I was the reason
you stayed.

What else could it possibly be
that made you want to stay
when there's nothing else for
either of us but each other.

It's a lonely town
for people like us
when you stop coming around.

Don't complain to me
about how awful this place is
when you brought it upon yourself
you knew what this place was like.

If it wasn't me
then what was the reason
you stayed?

I woke with a start
at 1:11 AM
from a bad dream
that you weren't in
but I found myself
restless in my bed

A glass of water
at 1:11 AM
but my bed felt wrong
so I cried myself to sleep
on my borrowed couch
pillow and cheeks an endless damp

I woke with puffy eyes
at 3:00 AM
a fitful cat nap
beneath a down blanket
no more tears fell
as I drifted off again

I woke to my alarm
at 6:00 AM
but I wasn't done
my eyes weren't dry
so I hit the snooze
and burrowed into the couch

I woke one last time
at 7:00 AM
curled in a ball
on my borrowed couch
but I got up
to start my first day without you

To my face
you were sweet
Behind my back
you were anything but

I put faith in your words

To my face
you paraded a smile
Behind my back
you displayed a smirk

I was coaxed by charm

To my face
your eyes were trusting
Behind my back
your lips betrayed

I returned your dally

To my face
you were a man
Behind my back
you were a boy

I wanted the gentleman

To my face
you can't hide
Behind my back
you will be alone

She closed the door on the world.

Shutting out the cold wind, the pouring rain.

Closing her eyes
embracing the silence
warming her broken heart with emptiness

There are some things a heart can't take.
One too many shooting stars
means one too many wasted wishes.
As beautiful as they may fall
there is sadness in their dying.
This is something a heart can't take.

There are some things a heart can't take.
One more dead bouquet  of flowers
means one more to pick up off the floor.
As fragrant as the petals once were
there are only brown leaves left behind.
This is something a heart can't take.

There are some things a heart can't take.
One more love walking away
means one more first lonely night.
As bright as the flame may have burned
there are scars left under the ashes.
This is something a heart can't take.

A cross on the side of the road,
a head stone amongst other loved ones,
is all we have left of a boy.
It’s all we have left of you.

More than a cross on the side of the road or flowers on a grave
you’re the sun that wakes me every morning
you’re the smile on the face of a laughing child.

There isn’t a day that goes by that you aren’t with me.
There isn’t a moment that passes when you aren’t on my mind.

Taken from us before we were ready,
but maybe you were.

I’ve prayed
I’ve asked God why.
He never answers.
I’m left to find out on my own.

Thanks for making me smile
laugh
cry
love
believe

Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the lessons.

Your apology has no effect on me.

I still loathe you.

To think,
that once,
I hungered for your approval.

For a while,
your words,
lingered in the scent of the air.

I could,
almost,
taste how forced your defense was.

Your regret hovers above our heads.

You have no remorse.

The way you smiled
the sound of your voice
the glint in your yes

when you said my name

sent my heart into a tailspin
stirred the butterflies in my stomach
caused my brain to stutter

Why is it that I
always take one thing
and turn it into something
that it is not?

We have so much in common,
so much to share with one another,
but I took this nothing
and tried to turn it into everything.

So here I am
embarrassed
by all the words I said
that should have remained in my head.

So, here I am,
sorry for ruining one thing
that was actually something,
our friendship.

When things are right in your world,
you let yourself into mine.
When the time is convenient for you,
you give some of yours to me.

Maybe you don't want to burden me
with problems you deem to be large,
but instead of pushing me away, pull me in
and let me help bear the weight.

Get over yourself.
Remember how I used to make you laugh
or how
we talked until 2 am.

Under appreciated,
partially insane.

(Believe me, I never wanted to fall in love,
especially with you.

After all,

meeting you was,
always will be,
nothing to forget.)

it
has been
forbidden.
there is nothing
left for me to live
for. you have taken my
heart, soul, breath, tears, life. you will
always have it all. there is no
way for me to get it back, no way.
keep everything i gave you. keep it all.

It's amazing how the little things
we shared
stay with me.

Our favorite show.
Our favorite band.
Our favorite restaurant.

It's strange how the little things
we shared
don't bother me.

Even though you broke my heart.
Even though I cried for three years.
Even though I you still haunt me.

It's different being without love
we shared
everyday.

But I'm moving past it.
And I'm finding I can love again.
And I want it to be with him.

Oh, those eyes,
they taunt, they tease.
Oh, those eyes.

Blue, gray, green.
Oh, those eyes,
change with the light.

Oh, those eyes,
they glance, they glow.
oh, those eyes.

Don't look at me.
Oh, those eyes,
always find me.

Oh, those eyes.

RUN
because of him i'm afraid not to
i cant fall again
because of him i won't do it
i can't let anyone get close
because of him i keep my distance

RUN
because of him

RUN
from him
from his memory

RUN
to him
RUN
into a wall

he's gone
he's gone

RUN
because of him
i won't love again
because of him i won't do it
i RUN from love
because of him i keep my distance

Here on this page you will find,
my heart.
And it's beating,
burning,
aching,
yearning,
bleeding for you.

Here on this page you will find,
my feelings.
They're pouring from me
making gray smudges on white.
These feelings,
they're saying,

I love you.

There is one thing
I miss about you

the way you held me.

There is one thing
I miss about winter

the way you kept me warm.

There is one thing
I miss about our apartment

the way it smelled like you.

There is one thing
I miss about that year

the way I was always smiling.

There is one thing
I miss about being in love

the way I was in love with you.

This feeling nags,
tugs at my heart strings,
Composing a sad song.

Dear love,
first love,
where did we go wrong?

I saw myself in white,
I saw you by my side,
the only place you belong.

Now love,
first love,
you are long gone.

I miss your eyes,
how they shined,
they've been gone so long.

Dear love,
first love,
where did we go wrong?

Was it how you forgot to love me?
Was it my betrayal before you left me?
I thought our love was lifelong.

Now love,
first love,
You are long gone.

But love,
first love,
your memory lives on.

Today I tasted you on my tongue
it was a strange sensation, it's been a year
coffee, peppermint, cigarettes
mingled once upon your lips when they met mine.

You were my ladder with a missing rung
the climb I would always fear
the fall I would always regret
we both know we were a waste of time.

The one before was my song unsung
he is the memory I hold so dear
the one true love I won't forget
after him, loving you was my only crime.

You knew his hand was where my heart hung
to you it was perfectly clear
the whole of me you would never get
now today I pay the fine.

I try to build a wall
but each touch
each kiss
each sigh
brings a fire
that burns down every effort.

I try to separate the feelings
like you seem to
but each day
each week
each month
bring me closer
to every emotion I smother.

I worry you don't care
as much as I do.

I worry that there is someone else
you aren't telling me about.

I build this wall
I try to separate feelings
because I know there is something wrong.

I'm back,
back to loving you again.
I never really stopped.
You've always had it all,
my heart,
my love,
my life.
My life isn't a life without you,
without hearing your voice,
your laugh,
oh, how I love your laugh.

I miss you so much,
too much to bear.

I thought about you today,
fifteen,
sitting on my couch,
my parent's couch,
when they were not home,
when we were alone.

I thought about the little details,
the ones you remembered from that day,
the picture on the wall,
the color of my sister's jacket,
the name of my dog,
how you wanted to hold my hand.

It's been almost ten years
and all I remember is regret,
regret for not kissing you on the boat,
regret for never telling you how I felt,
regret for letting her be your first kiss,
regret for my naivety at fifteen.

As the snow softly falls
drifting on the breeze
is a whisper
telling my secrets
repeating them back to me

Secrets
images of us
kissing in the cold
you holding me tight
keeping us both warm

Snowflakes on my nose
you kiss them away
I taste them on your lips

I can't stop thinking about you
why can't you be mine?
why can't we love?

I want to write a love letter,
send it flying,
anonymously,
into the wind.

Off the balcony of my hotel room
I'll send words from my heart
into the hands of a stranger
walking the streets.

They will read each heart felt line,
and believe the words are meant just for them.
For a  moment that stranger
will feel cared for,

because of the words I let go
into the wind.

I wish him unhappy
each night I close my eyes
and dream him heartache.

I wish him lonliness
everytime I see his smile
I pray for him ten times the tears.

He would be unhappy
he would be lonely
if there was no her.