I can taste happiness.
Its right there;
Teasing me.
Begging me to get,
Just a little bit closer.

In my life story you'd be the heroine.
You'd have chapters devoted to your hip bones,
And verses about your scent.
I'd write run-on sentences about the musical notes of your laughter
And paragraph after paragraph about the way you looked first thing in the morning.
I'd invent new poetic devices to describe the feel of your skin against mine.

In your life story I'm a sentence, the bare minimum.

Its 1:36am and I haven’t slept in weeks
I still haven’t found the guts to tell you you broke my heart.
I can’t even think of sleeping when you’re weighing on my mind
I only spin the wheel of memories I can drown in.
I spin it over and over again, knowing full well the prize has gone.

And its funny how, even after weeks and the miles that have set in between us,
I still sometimes smile thinking about holding your hand.
And that’s the best thing I can think of doing.
I just want to hold your hand.
I don’t need the kisses, I don’t need you to caress me.
The simple joy of your hand in mine is all I ever really wanted.

We’d spend cool spring days driving in your car,
The awkwardness of being together finally starting to melt away (along with the snow.)
You cooked me dinner while you watched Oprah and your sister spied on us.
I forget what it felt like to be in your house.
But I remember just wanting to pour through your shelves of books,
Boil us a *** of tea (mint green tea, like the one you left in my kitchen that I packed away with my life those weeks ago.)
Crack open a book, rest my head on your shoulder and listen to you read.

I can’t say I’ve become too much a fan of the person I am now.
I sit and I wait for you,
I wish and I dream that there’s something I have that she doesn’t.
I almost feel as though I could have known better.

I packed away my life 3 weeks ago.
I tried so hard to leave you in that bedroom we once existed in.
But as it seems the pattern of my life has become being angry I let her take you
And wishing that I could have changed it, and reverting back to the beginning.
I run a slideshow of us every night before I “sleep”
Sleep has turned into this chore that I just can’t seem to complete.
My spelling and sentence structure has begun to wither in the weeks since your departure.
And it would be far too cliché to say that my hope has begun to wither along with them.

I remember when we first began you were working nights
And I stayed up until five am sending you text messages, desperately fighting to stay up for you.
And until the very end I did the same.
I would fall asleep with my phone in my hand, waking only to reluctantly warn you of my impending slumber.
I miss the way you giggled when I told you about the funny things that happened at work.
I miss the way that you would listen to my rants, and offer anger on my behalf.

There was that last night.
You held me through the first movie, and kissed me through the second.
You held my hand as we walked to Tim Horton’s for tea.
You waited outside with my dog, (who always adored you.)
And you kissed me on the deck outside of my house.
You rubbed my back while I was sick,
And you would not accept my apologies for ruining our night.

I woke up that next morning hours before you.
My queen sized bed had somehow become too large for us, and we shared my half.
You held me tight and I listened to your light as air laughter,
And smiled when every time I moved a muscle you’d pull me closer.
I laid on my bedroom floor and ate honeydew and listened to you snore.
I read my book, and basked in the glory of waking up beside my favourite person.
And you slept a bit too late, but I forgave you and kissed you as you slipped off to the gym.

If someone had told me that would be the last time I’d hold you through the night,
I never would have believed it.
And then she stole you away.
I lost the game I didn’t know I was playing.

The person I have become is heavily dependant on caffeine.
She can’t watch movies where people are in love without crying.
She can’t form rational sentences when it’s 1:59 am and she knows all she needs to do is fall into a dream.
She can’t visit those places she ties to you because her heart is tied to her eyes, and sometimes tears flow.

I am okay with the fact that this hurts.
I am okay with the fact that I am changed because of you.
I am not okay knowing I have to hold all of this inside, or spill it across several word documents.
I’m not okay with the fact that you left without a goodbye.
I’m not okay knowing the last time we spoke was so irrelevant to everything.
I am so completely  distraught that spelling and punctuation have fallen away.
I am lost inside of everything I wanted us to be.
Of everything she’s taken away from me.

And there was once a time when my pillow cases were stained from your bronzer.
Where I would sleep on your pillow all the nights we were apart
Because your scent was so sweet it was impossible to sleep without it.
But now you’ve been washed away after so many spin cycles
It makes my head spin.
And the only stains that remain on my pillow case are the darkening memories of sweet kisses that tasted like me and tequila.
And my own makeup, as the wetness from my eyes makes it seep down my face.
And for the minute amount of hours my body lets me sleep, I sleep next to your ghost.

Your hair is darker now.
And there is more ink in my skin than there was before.
Time has passed, and leaves have started to change.
Soon the snow will fall as it always does.
And I will feign interest in the things I detest the most.
I will simulate feelings for another, of that I am sure.

The place we had shared so much laughter,
And so many awkward first kisses,
And so many more confident ones as the months wore on, is no longer my home.
The way you tasted has a way of enduring the time that’s stretched between our bodies.
And  I remember how you used to laugh first thing in the morning.
And I miss being the source of that laughter.

I remember hearing once on a foolish TV show how long it should take me to get over you.
I have this nagging feeling that you will run past the limit I will try to put on you;
Just as you stayed in my heart long past our expiration date.

I used to use awkward words like “indefinitely” because they had always made so much more sense to me.
I don’t want to think that these feelings will stretch on indefinitely.
I want to believe that I can eventually move past my grief.
And hours past the time I should have fallen asleep I find myself jotting down words about you while my dog snores too loudly beside me.

It’s going to be exceptionally hard for me to let this go,
Because I remember how hard it was to believe all of it in the first place.
And now that out short-lived reality has ended I find myself living in some twisted fairy-tale
All I was waiting for (naively) was our ride into the sunset.
All I got was a crushing blow from some Stephen King novel
Where things so out of the ordinary happen you wonder how you didn’t consider them in the first place.

I remember falling asleep outside that bar and you coming back for me,
Pulling me out of the snow and into your arms where I spent the night.
That bar is closed now, as so many things around our creation period have begun to shut down.
That night had been the most real thing that had happened to me in longer than I remember.
I remember the way you lingered in my mind for months after our first encounter
And how I was never really happy until our paths crossed in a (seemingly) more concrete way.

And now as the nights fall (earlier, and earlier) I find myself needing a sweater.
The pattern of my life had changed drastically
And you have made an empty echo in my heart,
One that I’m sure you’re too deaf to hear in your new city.

Its 2:36 am and I still haven’t stopped typing.
I want to sleep, and I want you to sleep next to me so for once I can fall into a deep slumber.
One that will allow me to awaken without the ghosts that have been chasing me since your departure.
I want you to fix the ruins that I’ve been living in,
Because I know that you are the only one who can mend the wounds you (and possibly I) have inflicted upon my not-so-strong self.

I listen to too much country music for someone who lives and breathes rock and roll.
And my poor guitar has seen more tears than she ever has.
My computer is full of playlists that are not doing their job.
No matter how many songs I find to fit the way I feel,
You linger.
And tonight was the first night I can remember really believing its fall,
And now I’m sipping apple cider, and reading all the books I wanted to curl up beside you with.
I think you missed the point where I decided you were the one.

Feelings fade like old coloured tattoos.
I have never been so afraid in all my life.
I want you to chase me.
I want you to need me like I feel my growing need to be near you.

We’re comprised of drunken nights and bathroom rendezvous.
Of my own inadequacies
Of my own insecurities,
And of the desire I feel in you.
I haven’t wanted anything this bad in longer than I care to remember.

Your laugh is the air I’m breathing,
Your touch is the beating of my heart (which I, more often than not, feel in my ears when you’re present.)

Chasing out your shape in the darkness,
Pressing myself that little bit closer,
Hyper aware of the distance between us and wondering if there is any way that we could stop ending and just completely flow together.
My hands searching for your every curve,
And I am drowning in them,
In the perfection that makes you a complete human being.

The completeness of it all,
The need is not superficial.
We’re comprised of lazy afternoons following bad days
Endless hours of cuddling and sipping tea and inhaling your scent,
Familiarizing myself with it as though it’s the most vital thing ever.
And with all the hype I’ve given you in my head it’s a glorious reality when you lean in to kiss me,
Lips moving slow and delicate,
Our noses brushing against each other with urgency mounting.

Its accurate to say you’ve changed the whole way my world spins.
The axis has shifted and I’m leaning in your direction,
My head spinning at your touch,
My fingers trembling across your naked body,
Memorizing the artwork that makes you who you are.

My bedroom floor becomes a place to scatter clothing and cups of tea.
It seems I’m never able to make it to the bottom of my mug when you’re controlling my thoughts.
I’d rather taste you over and over again.
I’d rather show you everything I’m feeling inside the best way I know how.
And it’s been so hard to just tell you what I’m feeling,
And I know you’ve struggled with the same things.

I am comprised of the way I want you for everything you have to offer.
I delight in that you are the first person in years able to cook me dinner.
I fall for your sarcastic tendencies and how you are the happiest person I’ve ever met.
I get lost when your smile lights up your whole face and the way you can never sit still.
I cherish the way that you push through the endless amounts of obstacles placed in front of you.
I relish in the things you say to me, the way you desire what I have.
I rejoice in the fact that you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on
That you’re excited by science and books,
And the way you love that I don’t objectify what you offer me.

We are the two most awkward people I’ve ever heard of,
And I want to divulge everything you have yet to show to me.
I hate the way that when we’re apart the time passes like pace of two stubborn sloths, searching each other out.
I want to breathe you in, and hold you and kiss those luscious lips,
Grab a hold of your strong hips,
And never let you walk back out that door.

You are my feeling of contentment.
You are the only one I want to lay in my bed.
I don’t see a need for us to participate in the outside world.
I want to keep you all to myself,
Because I love the way when you sleep next to me you never let me go.
I have never been so sure of anything in my life.
I’ve never been so terrified by so much happiness.
I want to feel your breathing on my neck, and the beating of your heart against my ribcage.
I don’t want you to get up and leave,
As much as I enjoy the look of your nearly naked body striding towards the light from the window.

I want you, wholly and completely.
I want you for every single thing you have to offer me.
You make me the happiest I’ve ever been.

Because you smell like walking down the candle aisle at walmart
Because you dance badly and often.
Because you understand that Nirvana is more than teen sprit.
Because you read about science for fun
Because you laugh too loud and you drink too often.

Because you made me smile in the most real way.
Because kissing you never got boring,
And because the butterflies never went anywhere.

Because you know who Steve Vai is
And because you like to canoe.
Because you’re a dog person, and you’re a cat person.
Because you didn’t eat normal, and you knew about quiona.

Because your mom has seven christmas trees,
Because you laughed when I sang Prince Ali
and because you were everything I needed you to be.

Because you have funny looking feet,
and you snore too loud.
Because you over think things, and you never relax.
Because you like to hike and because your pets all have strange names.

Because I can still look back and laugh at how silly we were.
Because I still find a way to bring you up in every conversation.
Because our tattoo artist coloured your skin so perfect.
And because you’re more beautiful first thing in the morning than anyone else I’ve seen.

I love you because your hips always fit my hands so perfect,
And because staying up too late talking to you is better than kissing someone else.
Because I’m going to remember your smile and the way your nose brushed mine when we kissed for the rest of my life
And because I will never forgive myself for letting you walk
Because you’re exactly what I dreamed of and nothing I would have expected.

Because I’ve never been good with words,
Because you weren’t either.
Its because when I looked at you, I saw it back.
Because being in love with you regardless of time, distance and rationality ended up being the only thing I’m really good at.

I turned love into the least important stop on my route.
I turned love into a duty that I never cared to complete.
Until that first night in our favourite bar, I'd cycled through person after person.
I ran as soon as I felt them feeling something for me.
But your body was my redemption;
Every freckle, every curve and every cell of you became a part of me.

The scent of your hair was intoxicating.
And I never found the words to tell you ,
That your kiss made me need to be a better person.
Your kiss made all the mistakes I made inconsequential.
In your mouth I tasted my future,
And in your body I tasted the person I was to become.

I haven't done a lot of things I'm proud of.
And my life is not what I'd expected it to be.
And the greatest love stories of all time cannot help me sum up
What it was like when you stole that first sober kiss
At the top of the stairs in my brand new apartment.
Its the love that let me go that I can't bring myself to let go of.

And there was that night you accidentally dyed your hair red.
Too much tequila made your face glow and you looked me in the eyes
And said that you felt ugly.
I laughed ad told you that even if all your hair fell out,
And I went blind you'd still be the most beautiful girl in the world.

I had made the assumption that when it was time for me to fall in love,
That I'd know exactly what to do and how to feel.
I'd never imagined that the silly nineteen-year-old girl that I kissed in too public of a place.
Would become the woman i loved and my private muse for years to come.  

And you were always a little too funny and a bit too loud,
And a lot less mature than we both are now.
I wanted to grow up with you and fall in love with you again 10 years down the road.
I wanted to cultivate a love with you that lasted through the cold winter months,
And years of parenting.
I wanted to rediscover our youth once the kids have grown.
And to kiss you on every continent.

Everything you say you feel for her is everything I've known I've felt for you for years.
So I never pushed my way back into your conscious thoughts.
I never begged to be a part of your life because poets are doomed to live tragically.
And I am ****** to live in the void your presence had left in its wake.

Now that you're gone I'm trying to jump back into my old cycle.
I'm trying to teach myself to fall again.
But everytime I kiss someone new, (it's only happened twice)
I can taste you.
You took everything wen you left.
I'm so used up I don't know if I have anything to give someone new.

You look older now and I've missed out on precious years.
Your name used to slip of my tongue like syrup that was a little too sweet.
I've been on a sugar high for a couple of years now.
Even though the way you left was more than a little bitter,
I can still taste honey when I speak your name.

You made love a 6 letter word.

I would say the feelings that you make me feel are complex and confusing,
But really they are so basic.
I miss you.
I want you.
I’m empty.
The simplicity of it is overwhelming.

It sickens me how much thought I let myself put into things.
I pictured us perched on fire escapes,
Potted plants surrounding the place we'd made into ‘home’.
You'd fill it with art because that's what's in your soul,
We'd fill it with books.
Selections of herbal teas would adorn the shelves of this borrowed place
And one day there were be a more permanent dwelling,
One we could really call our own.
Hidden away from the world as we both wish to be.
Watching every sunrise with my head against your shoulder,
Coffee in hand(caffeine has always been our common downfall)  
You would go running, and I'd wait for your return,
My hands stroking my keyboard in a familiar rhythm both of us had grown used to.

And we'd share with each other a new creation each night.
You’d read me poetry before bed,
And our laughter would bellow into the still night.
We'd flow together in that endless sort of way,
Bodies gliding against each other with the ease and comfort of home.
Because there was really no way I'd ever tire of you.  
  
I used to confidently tell people how I was the happiest person in the world.
Now I repeat that line and it's emptiness leaves a slow ache in my guts.
I'm waiting for you.
If anyone asks me, I deny my feelings
Because your rejection (however non-confrontational it was) stings badly on a person who doesn't usually feel.

I look at pictures of you and it's obvious to me the reasons why I love you.
It's that dimple,
Your smile,
The way your loud and musical laughter echoes in my head when I see something that reminds me of you.
They're so real even though it's been far too long since I've seen you.


And as the drinks pass through my lips
I hear my drunk self stammering your name.
I’m making a fool of myself, tears candidly falling from my eyes.
(such a fool you’ve made me)
My friends watch me in horror, terrified of this sick thing I've become.
And it makes me feel more than terrible to know that I'm worrying them.
They’re all so afraid for me, and the way I can’t seem to let go of the last few memories.
Everyone has become so worried for me.
And I’ve become so disenchanted from it all.

It's vicious what you gave me and how you turned around and took more than that away.
I've never felt quite this empty
The others before you took nothing of me when they left.
And you—you took it all;
Everything I once viewed as important.

Everyone talks about getting lost in someone
And I did That with her.
But with you I wasnt even a little bit lost.
I remember every detail of each day we spent together
(probably because I never felt like there was quite enough)

It seems now that the only thing I'm lost in is life and how to exclude you from it.
It's been an aching bunch of weeks since we’ve last spoken
But still today the first thing I thought of was telling you about my funny dream.
I still find myself with the urge to send you a message.
I picture us with all our guy friends, sitting down to sushi again.
(Cucumber avocado rolls were always both our favourite)
Even though one of them has moved across the country
And I’ve allowed myself to become so detached from everyone else.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering how it’s possible that you don’t think of me.
And how all those drunken nights,
Sushi dates,
Cuddle sessions and hikes with our dogs can just disappear into the recesses of your mind.
(Then again it's always easier to be the one who ran off with another than it is to be the one you ran away from.)

You like snails and I like sloths.
And I think it’s funny because the last thing we ever did was waste our time slowly.
I feel like we lived all of our months in the fast lane,
And I bit down on all the ridiculous words I wanted to tell you,
But love is something I’ve learned you should never keep tucked under your tongue.
And my voice is so lost now into this hollow thing that is my life,
That there is no way I could let out all things I was supposed to say.

Today at my job I filed away all of September’s paperwork into a box no one is ever going to see.
It's an aching reminder that time is passing even though it's not passing with you.
And the first frost will soon be upon us,
And you will curl up beside her.
But I have the pleasure of sleeping in a memory each and every night.
I remember the way your body fit mine.
And not once on any night we spent together did you let me go.

I want to spend sixty years married to you.

I want to forget what it feels like to grocery shop without you driving.
I want to stop remembering what it felt like to only wash my laundry.
I want to have the smell of you become the smell of home;
I want to get lost in the back of your mind,
in the back of your heart so that every thought and beat includes me.

I want to hire an architect and watch him build our home,
I want to plant a garden with you.
I want to joke that you killed the plants we both neglected to water.
I want to fall in love with your glow every single morning for the next sixty years.

I want to make wine with you,
And I want to drink too much of it at our kitchen table.
I want to fold you seamlessly into every sentence I craft.

I want to buy dogs with you, and laugh with you.
I want to tease you until you scream,
I want to call ******* whenever you're wrong,
And I want to forgive you for every mistake you'll ever make,
and I hope you'd forgive me of mine.

I want to laugh and laugh and laugh until we cry.
I want to make you dinner every night,
and I want to dry our dishes.
I want us to become a single entity in our friends minds.
I want us to flow perfectly into infinite love.

I want to kiss you until our lips are tender,
And I want to fall in love with you some more.
I want to fight and cry with you until our last days on earth.
I want to make love to you for the next sixty years.

I want every word I say to you to be the poetry I see in you.

All my insecurities
Could eat me
For breakfast.

Like the container you left in my kitchen when you forgot to say goodbye.
I stared at it and turned it over and over in my hands
As I packed to run away from your ghost.
I put it into the bottom of a box labeled “kitchen”
And I know its still sitting there, waiting for me,
For the day I eventually decided to unpack.

*3.5 years later

Hollow like the void that's grown between us.
Empty and broken.

A year and a half has passed.

Love and lust;
So easily confused,
Yet, so rarely combined.

I want to slip out of my skin and into something more comfortable.
I’ve never been so aware of every part of my being.
I’m so afraid to just be the person I’ve always been.
You make everything in my life so many shades brighter.
You make ever sound so much louder
And you make every kiss so much sweeter.

I’m suddenly so aware of every movement I make and how you will feel.
When I’m lying next to you in the moonlight I hold you as tight as I can
My fingers lingering in all the curves I find along the way.
I want you always and the feeling has not died down after months of lying next to you.
I still lose my breath when I watch you dress in the morning
I still smile as your heavy breathing turns into light snores.

I still cherish each night I get to spend next to you,
I keep thinking one day I’m going to wake up and realize perfection such as yours is only my imagination.
I don’t ever want to fall asleep and miss a moment of your sleepy laughter
And miss out on the fact that you hold me tighter as the night goes on.
And this is the life I want to share with you.
I want to bathe in your beauty and remember every contour of your body as I love it relentlessly.
I want to fill you with soft sweet kisses and stand beside you as we face the
world.
I want to love you freely and without mistakes
I want to be the best you’ll ever have.

I’ve never been so enthralled by another human being
I memorize the way you sound in laughter and happiness.
And I endure all of your pain and sadness as though your suffering has become my own.
Your smile has become the source of my smile.
And your laughter sparks the same response in me.

I remember every detail of your face as though it’s the first and last thing I have ever seen.
Every part of you is beautiful
And every part of you is sacred.
And when I touch you and your body fills with sweat
My own breathing becomes jagged
Because everything you feel is everything I want to feel.

It remains a mystery to me why you laugh at all my jokes
And why you always lean in for a kiss before we part
Your hands and mouth caress my body in ways I’ve never felt before.
I am profoundly aware that you are the classic example of the perfect woman
From the dimple on your cheek to your long locks, I feel for you in ways that scare me.
I need to cherish every second we have together.
I need to feel every beat my heart takes next to you
And I need to commit each breath to memory.
You make me the luckiest woman in the world.

Love and Lust,
So far from confusion,
We’ve all but combined.

There are too many words to say.
What an idiot
I was for saying;

Nothing.

No amount of make-up
can erase the ugly
from my
insides.