Why do I do this to myself?
Making lists in my head
Of why I should feel sad
Why I do feel sad
As if experiencing them once
Wasn't bad enough.
Why do I cling to the lyrics
Of depressing songs
Take the words to heart
And recite them under my breath
A mantra for the tears.
None of this helps
Reading words like this doesn't help.
I search for solidarity
In my loneliness
Hoping someone else
Is feeling the same as me
When really all I need
Is a distraction.
I eagerly await a better feeling
To flood my veins and consume me
But do nothing to create it
Except open my window
And hope it flies in.
I only ever mange to summon
A cold breeze that mingles with
The sound of the road below.
Maybe the chill of it will
Cool my flushed skin
And provide
The good sense
To put my feelings aside
And carry on with the day.

You've been sweet talking
Me lullabies
And holding my hand
When it's dark outside.
You've been so steady
When I've stumbled
Holding me in
When I start to crumble.
You've been a reminder
Of my flaws
And why they don't matter
The way they did before.
You've been broken and twisted
Yet simple and kind
So like me where it matters
Our lives entwined.
I've loved and despised you
Had you in my brain
You've kept me close by
And pushed me away.
We've fallen and risen
Survived a spiral, a whirl
A story, so simple,
About a boy and girl.

I miss you when I know
I shouldn't
As what is there
To miss?
It's been so long
Since anything
And that's what's
Wrong with this
I miss, I miss,
I miss.

Why do I place
My self worth
Into others
Blindly trusting them
With my heart and my soul
My faith in others.
I live for the high
Of the value and trust
They give to me
Their priority
The feeling of being needed
Appreciated
But this isn't a gift
Instead a loan
That is cruelly ripped away
Given to someone else.
Leaving me low
As if after a sugar boost
A false sense of energy or fulfilment
Grasping and snatching
Scraping
Like an addict
Desperate for the scraps
Trapped in self loathing
Disgust
Until I can place my worth
In another disappointment.

I adore you
Like lights from cars
Adore dark windows
On rainy days.

Repeats never made
For good melancholy
Not in any of the
Great works anyway.

The rain has
Washed away
Some part of me
So even in sun
I drip.

What I hate most about being grown
Is in your life, you're all alone
When you're sad, and down and blue
There is no one there to comfort you
And when the world seems big and wild
You have to face it, you're not a child
No ducking behind the covers, scared
You're an adult. Why aren't you prepared?
When bad dreams strike in the dead of night
Who is there to ease your fright?
Is there a manual that I've mislaid
Because all I am is a little afraid
This adult life is not for me
I've had it with responsibility
I think I'll build a blanket fort
Stay hidden inside, never caught short
Come fetch me later, when I'm ready
to live adult life without my teddy.

I stayed stoic
And unmoved
Until I felt something pop
Inside me
And fizz out
Like champagne
Dripping down the sides
Of a glass
At a birthday party.
And then
At the release
I
Let myself breathe
Spilling out
In a bubbling gasp
And for a moment
The air was alight
With a thousand
Tiny fairy lights
As if the world
Had been switched on
But
They soon flickered out
And I
Like everything else
Was still again.

At times
I feel like
An artist
With a blunt pencil.
A writer
With a pen and no ink.
At times
I feel like
A musician
But my instruments
Have no strings.
How do I share
The thoughts inside
My mind
When my tongue is
Twisted
And my words
Are bulky
And do not flow
Like a stream
Or a river
In spring.
Perhaps, I shall create
A masterpiece
From broken tools
And call it abstract.
An abstract of the human mind.

You never said goodbye
To me
Instead one day
You just
Slipped away
And I wondered if
I could look for you
But knew deep down
That love
Doesn't work that way.

It seems that closure
Is never closing
Even when the
Signs are clear enough
To read
Apparently I can be blind
When I want to be
And some cuts
Though old
Just like to bleed.

Maybe it would help
Knowing you
Couldn't stand me
Because now
I look for you
In every face I see.
And the pill might
Have gone
Down easier
If you avoided
Every girl who
Somehow reminded
You of me.

Truthfully
It might help
If you never fell
In love
With anyone
But I know that's not
An ask
You can complete
Because a heart
With a face like yours
Captures that
Of everyone
You meet.

So instead
Please promise
That you'll think of me
Sometimes
Because I think of
You
More than I can say
And even
After all this time
A part of me
Perhaps stupidly
Will always
Feel this way.

If you have chosen
Whether or not
You are angry
You are privileged.

If you have chosen
Whether or not
You will act upon your anger
You are privileged.

If you are just enough
To be angry
If you are lucky enough
To be privileged
Use your anger, use your privilege.

When staring into
The face of oppression
Silence and compliance
Are one and the same.

In my mind
There is a place
Where green grass grows
And sunbeams filter
Softness
A sweet glow of gold.
This place
is unlike any other
The leaves on the ground
And the fallen branches
Whisper to me
A gentle reassurance
That any path here is safe.
The sky is forever blue
Not a mass of brightness
Radiating like an LED sign
Instead a water colour painting
Of pale hues
A silky blue
Dotted with wispy white clouds.
Here I could sleep forever
And wake to
Petals
Pink and light
Falling on my face
Like the flurries of
First snow in winter.
Here they speak of heroes
Mighty rulers
Kings and Queens
Their Princes behind them.
But what need is there
For a brave hero
When no villain lurks
Around the corner.
And what do powerful Kings
Rule over
In a world of freedom?
This place is a moment
Not a continuing existence
But a glimmer
A possibility
Of what could be.
But
Stranger
Don't think too hard
Lay back
Bathe your skin
In warmth and light
And tell yourself
For now at least
You are content.

Oh what joy it is to lay
In lush green grass
On a summers day
And oh the pleasure of a summers breeze
Curling through hair
Like branches on trees
Oh how nice to feel the sun
Warm your skin
When the day is done
And oh how calm to be outside
Free from the walls
In which you had to reside
Oh how charming to admire the view
Watch the endless blue skies
As if the world was new
And oh the laugh of a barefoot skip
And crystal clear waters
In which your toes may dip
Oh the sweetness of a birds song
The buzz of the bees
Where the creatures belong
For what joy it is to lay
In lush green grass
On a summers day
When the world is full of glee
And time is meant for you and me.

The gentle crush of a treasure trove
Beneath my thick soles
Brushing over
And stomping through
Rubies and shining coins
That begin to slowly
Curl up at the sides.
There is a peaceful power
In holding the last of the
Years warmth
Between my palms,
Slowly faded watercolours
That the bees long ago
Neglected
When the chill in the air
Took over from the last
Sleepy rays.
It's a slow route to
Stiff mud and sharp frost
Meandering past
A scene of beauty.
The last of green swiped
Like a paintbrush and
Dotted with sunset spices
Is damp from fairies dew
Beads of glistening diamonds
Atop the fronds
And wetting my feet.
Wings struggle to hide
Among wooden branches
But camouflage completely
When within the fallen riches
At the twisted root
The ground still soft enough
To retrieve the feasts of summer
Before they wither away.
Richer air forms my breath
Free from the thick cling of humidity
And not yet a chill down my throat
The soft wind tickles around me
And all around is golden
The day fading into a ruby glow.

At this moment in time
I am encased in
Cold bath water
Up to my neck.
I am floating
But heavy
Though I have left
My body
Deep below.
I watch skin
That doesn't feel
Like mine anymore
Burn angry pink, red
And decline into bruised
Purple and mottled blue.
I pretend I am a statue
Stay stone still-
Everytime I shiver
I must start again
According to rules
Of my own creation.
Once I am no longer
Skin and bones
But, instead,
Rock and thread
I will leave the cold
Wrap myself in rough warmth
And blink into white light
And enjoy the
Endless feeling
Of being numb.

Your gift to me
Was a wilted flower
In spring
When the new buds were growing
Stronger and more beautiful
Every day.
Your gift to me
Was salty tears
Hot and fast
Falling down my cheeks
Like an avalanche.
For you, I learnt
How to appear nonchalant
When my heart was breaking,
My brave face cracking
Like plaster on a wall.
You gifted yourself regret
Learning that green grass
Surely wilts and browns in winter
But sand and sea remain
A constant in the ever changing.
I will turn my tears
Into salt water
Powerful waves
That will carry and support me.
I will not drown you, my love
But I will no longer be your life raft
As you are only a boy
Not a puppet master.

The world is new
Stained with swirls
Of sky blue and pink
and lit up
By thousands of
Glowing stars.
I am its spectator
Eternal and unafraid
Reassured
As it is familiar to me
Like a daydream
And it welcomes me
Like an old friend
Holding my hand
In the darkness.
Arriving as quickly
As a thought
And dissipating as quickly
As a thought forgotten.

My childhood sits
At the opposite end of a room
Alongside a worn, comfy chair
Clear in my line of sight
Until someone stands
And obscures my view
And I wait for them to move again.
It's a room that I never seem to leave
But at times it seems
So distant
And unfamiliar
As if facing a stranger.

The room is full
And the air around
Smells like something I know well
Salty sea air, dog fur
Coco chanel
And wet paint.
It's a mix of tangy
And sweet.
A cocktail or a witches potion.

I face straight on,
But
From the corner of my eye
I can see
Yellow and blue swings
Soaring straight to the sky
And back again into
Warm loving arms
That patch me up
As I fall time and time again
But remain fearless.
If I whirl around I feel that I can
Face it
But it blurrs and blinds my eyes
So I turn away
Remain detached.

At times I feel like
I have been cruelly snatched
From my place here
But deep down I knew
I was beginning to outgrow it
Even though it seemed to
Fit so well.
My new skin sometimes feels rough
And flimsy
Stretched and put back together
Nothing like days of sunshine
and our own world at the beach.

I'm still living in the daze of a disney dream,
Still afraid of the dark
Eagerly awaiting my prince charming
Hiding in my imagination
Pretending to be myself
As if I'm content in adulthood.
I know behind my shoulder
Childhood stands
Waves and beckons
Begging me to join them
In play and fun.
I force myself to walk on
Knowing that if I turned around
It would disappear
Fly away like dust in a breeze.
Because my childhood has left
And only a room
Of disorganised
Well loved
Memories
Remain.

You were a curiosity,
Nothing more.
A Gordian Knot I
Swore I would untie.
You told me nothing
(That was part of
Your great mystery)
But still I felt that
I knew you
Better than
I knew myself,
As if you'd become a
Part of me
The pomegranate seeds
You'd planted
Growing into flowers
Around my bones,
Crushing my heart
And lungs
Into breathless
Love for you.
Your stories were empty
So I, with my
Spinning wheel mind,
Filled in the gaps.
I made them tragic
So I could comfort you
So I could tell myself
You needed me.
You didn't though,
Not really
And yet you still
Lingered
On my doorstep
Like a bad penny.
You liked longing
For... something
You wore anticipation
On your skin
Like cologne,
Salty with sweat
Like the ocean
Like drowning.
If you were a curiosity
I'd fallen for your intrigue
I swore I'd find
The centre of your maze
Even if all that
Awaited me there
Was a minotaur.
I was obsessed
I thought I would be
The one to
Crack- solve- fix you.
I wondered
Hopelessly, if you
Ever lay staring
At the celing
Tracing my name
In the dark air
Like constellations
As your dark eyes
Flashed in my mind
Like a shutter.
Did you believe in fate?
The tug of the string
Binding our fingers
Until it hurt to be
Away from you.
Did you also feel
That we had been
Pushed together
Inevitably?
Really
I don't think you
Thought of me at all.
You'd told me
That you only looked
To the next moment
When I questioned
The lost look in your eyes
As if you were a boy again.
I think I loved you then
When you were far away
And untouchable
I vowed I'd reach you
Join you on your deserted island
Not seeing that you'd
Already left me
On one of my own.

Why amongst the peace
And simplistic
Normality
Do I feel dread
Burning up inside
Acidic and sour
Upon my tongue.
What is this hollow
Emptiness
That cannot be filled
with birthday cake
Laughter
And smiles
A hollowness that echoes
And drums
Beating in my ear
Until I feel dizzy and sick.
The thud of it
Rushes like
Footsteps
Stomping
And Stomping
An endless cycle
That can be drowned out
But never stopped
For it rings in my head for days
And pounces when
I am vulnerable.
Sometimes I wish
It would stop
But sometimes
I let it wash over me
Like a cycle of waves
Over my head
Over it all
Until it ends
And I rise
A survivor of the wreckage

I am drowning
In my own
Inadequacy
And only I
Can pull me out.

Paint me some green grass
Richer than the sun in the evening
Sing me a song that reminds
You of a day in the springtime
Whisper sweet empty clouds
Of nothing around my ear
And leave your bird feather
Touch, like cold dew, on my skin.
Make yourself eternal
The stain that won't wash out
The rain that never dries
The cast of footsteps in wet cement
So that I dream of you
Each and every
Cold and inky night
From now until eternity.

Who made this existence, not you nor I
But the day the swallows began to fill the sky
We remembered the things we shouldn't have done
The revolution of our minds had begun
There were smoke clouds and bombs,  our tears ran like rain
None of us willing to go there again
Our intentions were clear, our desires not met
They tried to fight back, longed for us to forget
Our minds turned to hatred, our souls turned to why
Who made this existence, not you nor I
We are searching for the answer we will never receive
We do not cry for our lost ones, we will not grieve
The day dead bodies littered the ground
They all lay silenced, not making a sound
We have no answer, we do not know why
Who made this existence, not you nor I

Expectations
Are the mistakes of the hopeful
Expecting an ocean
and turning up to a puddle
Shallow and murky.
Expectations
Are the mistakes of the dreamers
Seeing a world of
Magic and comfort
But opening their eyes to
Loneliness and an old pop CD on repeat.
Expectations
Are the cause of
Trying to stop crying
At 3 in the morning
In your new dress
Mascara running down your cheeks.
Expectations
Teach you that
You will never be good enough
You learn the hard way.
Expectations
Are a burned out star
A crater, a broken heart, bloodshot eyes.
Expectations
Are time and time again
As a hopeful dreamer
Never learns.

I gave up
Looking for dreams,
Put any I had
On the market
So I could
Afford
The thread
That I needed
To sew up
My seams
From fallen out
Dreams
I once had.
I gave up
Looking for love
Put all that I had
In a box or
A basket
As that's better
Than tears
Red wine
Or a casket.
I think
Sometimes
Nothing is better
But anything's better
Than that.
I gave up clinging
To you
Because you
Were a lost cause,
A phantom,
A shadow,
A figment I knew
That I hoped
Was still you
But it wasn't
And it couldn't
Have been
No matter how hard
I dreamed
Or I loved
Or I hoped
No matter my
Brave face
Or my emotional
Disgrace
Dreams had no
Real power
To mend.
Because sometimes
(Most of the time)
Dreams end
And days begin
And heartbroken
Fools move on
Until one day
You wake up
And
Those dreams
Are gone
Like stolen flowers
On lonely graves.

Love blossomed like a spring flower
Small and hopeful
Like a promise of sunshine
Shielding the greys of winter.
And it shone within me
Like a candle
Flickering through the darkness
A ray of hope to grab onto
Like a safety rope.
But holding onto it was like
Hanging off a cliff edge
It burned my fingertips
As I stayed
So close to falling
And yet so close
To being saved
If only somebody
Would reach and pull me up.
But time went on
And the sun began to shine too brightly
Scorching me.
Yet, still I stayed, close to the warmth
As I was tired of the cold
And I was tired now
As it was just too easy
To shut my eyes
Lean back
And fall.

Every day I fall in love with strangers
Our one second, once chance meeting
Becomes a beautiful story.
Most end with tragedy
The sorrow beginning
When I inevitably never see them again
But the story is perfect all the same.
The boy in the blue tshirt
Sat across me on the bus
Becomes my troubled protagonist
He's flawed but perfect all the same
Our paths won't cross again
But wasn't our tale magical
While it lasted?

My teacup rattles
When I hold it
My hands shake
Like old bones.
Am I The Princess
When I carry it?
Or am I the carry
It loathes?
My brain is too
Big for this shoebox
But it's always too
Small for a room
This is a thought to
Mull over
I think and I think
And I chew.

All I want
Sometimes
Is someone
To tell me
That my flame
Burns a little
Brighter
Than everyone
Else's.

I am only fool's gold
But will you love me
As if I were more?

In the warm glow of birthday candles
My playlist on in the background
I tell myself
It's moments like this
I'll remember forever.
I'll remember being young
And laughing
Forever.
And it will make me smile
As I am having such a nice time.

I said I'm sorry
Love
I need some time
You said
That sounds
Just like goodbye
And I couldn't
Tell you
Otherwise
So goodbye
Was all it was.

You maybe assumed
I was fine
Being the only
One gripping onto
Our life line
As you decline
My calls again.

The truth is,
What's left
If you're depressed
And I haven't seen you
Since May,
What's the point
In reaching out
If when I do
You've suddenly run
Out of things to say-
I say I miss you
And you say ok
And we don't talk
For three weeks.

And you might
Miss me too
But it's you
So I won't know
If you did until
You don't anymore
And it's suddenly
A chore to text you
About the weather.

And if it's me
Who breaks it off
I take full responsibility
For being disenchanted
And broken-hearted
By this game of screens
That we play.

I'm sick of this
Upwards climb
You're active online
Drop in from
Time to time
To send me something
Meaningless
And this all means
So much less
Than it did once.
Is this what life
Is for us now?

Dropping out because
Consistency is a
Thing of the past
It was a blast
Once upon a time
But it's over and
We're sober and 16
Again
Living at home.

Tell me you miss
The good old days
When the days shone
In our eyes
And our smiles
While the nights
Stretched out
For miles,
Littered with possibilities.

Tell me you miss
Feeling more than
Bleak comfort
From muddy walks,
Tell me you miss
Our haunts
And cheap drinks
And each other.

I miss it all but I'm
Losing my grip
On the past,
And soon it'll pass
If we want it to or not
So one last desperate
Plea,
If you're in there-
Tell me you miss me,
And the old days
Can become new days
One day.

She said to me, one night
I sincerely believe
That good-for-nothing boys
Should be avoided
At all costs.
This is unless, of course,
You simply can't help it.
Then you should let them
Put a shy grin on your face
And make your pulse
Pound and flutter.
They will leave you
With very good
Forbidden memories
That you will treasure
One day when it's over.

In my mind's eye
I still see you sometimes
Swirling a glass of red wine
That rests in your right hand
Like a lifeline.

Your left points at me
Beckoning me to you
With the arrorgance of age,
The age of someone who
Should know better
But chooses to be
Ignorantly obstinate
Instead.

Another night,
You sit, red wine in
Your right hand
A novel of some sorts
In your left.
The cover depicts some
Modern art, the sort I
Never cared to understand
But you always cared
To tell me about.

I should interrupt
But you are absorbed
In it's enclosing pages
And your tongue
Wriggles free from
Your mouth like a serpent
As you focus
As if betraying
The skin underneath
The real skin.

The red wine stains
Your teeth
And I deliberate
But eventually decide
To leave you there.
Focused as you are,
It seems silly to interrupt
A little foolish even
To pause the great mind
Just to tell you
That I am going
And that
You will never
See me again.

I miss grey days
When they're here
And hold onto
Nostalgia
Like ice burning
The palm of
Your hand.
I miss rain,
Standing like an
Angel
Arms outstretched in
Drenching downpours
Until I am washed
Of even my
Own name
And come home
Sodden and
Unspeaking.
I miss what I
Have always hated
And turn from what
I've sworn
To love.

How do I feel?
I'm feeling lonely and bitter
Twisted and unsatisfied
My eyes hurt from crying
And my head pounds
I've been pushing down
The overwhelming urge
To sob
As I have to get through the day.
But I feel fine mostly yeah
I'm ok
Just heartbroken and all that
But fine I promise.

I was gripped
By time,
Encased as
A moment in a
Photograph.
Illuminated by
The flash of lightning
Shutter
Where the raindrops
Never quite meet
The ground
And my smile never dims
Or falls
Or falters.

In hindsight,
Maybe you weren't as perfect
As I originally thought.
Looking back,
Maybe I put you on a pedestal
That you were only too happy
To sit on.
Maybe, deep down, your flaws
Were only too obvious to me.
Now they stare blinking at me
As if caught in the middle of a crime
A deer in the headlights.
I'm still drawn to you somehow
But, in hindsight,
Maybe I can learn to keep my gaze
Straight ahead
Not straying to you.
Looking back,
I should have done that all along.

I want to dream
of fresh, green fields
Wildflowers, sweet and heady
Tickling the end of my nose
As I stare out at blue skies
And feel the warmth of the sun
On my face as my eyes shut.
I want to dream
Of laughter and stories
Surrounded by love and light
A face that aches from smiling
and cheeks that are tinged pink
My glass always half full.
I want to dream
I feel it as a longing
Deep inside me, rising and falling
Like waves.
I want to dream
And feel it fill me up
Complete me and fix where
I have broken and frayed.
I want to dream
And have it come true.

Jealousy is like
A swarm of insects,
Within your bones and veins
With small feet- like knives
That cut and cut and scar
Leaving your pride stung
And your sense of self subsided.
Jealousy is like
Tar, thick and sticky
Leaving the words you want to say
Caught in your throat
The difficult words
Blocking your airways
Leaving you gasping for breath.
Jealousy has become
Another ***** to me.
It burns my chest, swirls my stomach
Flashes behind my eyes
Emerald green, a vial of poison.
I feel it as part of me
Just as much a part
As the parts of me
It made me loathe.
I live with jealousy
I am jealousy
The tumour, the parasite, the ****.
Who am I to fight it
When it has become so at home
For it is I who fuels it
And lives with it alone.

To me, you're
Dizzy laughter
And hopeful eyes
That find each other.
You're falling stars,
Carrying heart burning
Hopes and dreams
Sparkling
Like embers.
You're candlelight
Glowing and warm
Keeping away
The darkness.
To me, you are safe,
You are hands
In my hands
And a mouth
That somehow
Calls my name
Without speaking.
You are home
And I hope you know
That I ache to be
Away from you.

I have a mother in my head
A child in my heart.
They both want me to be happy
In their own unique way.
For them I will make sure
To eat my vegetables
And wrap up warm
Before going to splash
In rain puddles
And look out for falling stars.
For them I will live in the moment
And laugh whenever possible
As it is those memories
You look back on
The most fondly.

And just when I
Thought the room
Was empty,
They stripped the
Floorboards and
Celings
Until the lone
Light bulb
Swung naked
From rafters
And I truly had
Nothing left.

And I would have been
What you wanted to see
But that doesn't matter
Because you'll never want me
And all that you wanted
I never could be
Empty dreams fly away
And you set yourself free
Little bird
Hope you like being free
Little bird.

I feel I'm losing people
By the minute and
Losing chunks of me
As they go
Memories tainted
And slipping
Down plug holes.
I don't want to lose you
So I'll hang on tight
Even as you
Bite at my fingertips
And scratch and claw
Deep into my skin
Just to spite me.
I will cling onto the
Fibres of your clothes
And the hairs at the base
Of your neck
So that when
I eventually wake up alone
I will have you under
My nails
And know I did all I could
To keep you.

Why do I never
Fit
into the shapes around me
Am I missing a part
Or do the parts I have
Hold me back
Refusing to bend, break or adapt
Do I want to change?
Lose myself for a sense of belonging
A sense of false loyalty.
Do I enjoy
Being only half in
Back exposed to the cold
Isolated
And forgotten easily
Never quite right.
I am a lost puzzle piece
How have I
Wandered from my home
Where I fit
Like key into lock
And hand into hand
A perfect fit
Before I was placed
In the wrong box
By someone careles.
I dream of blue skies
Where I sit safely
In the middle
of a coffee table
Home.

I am surrounded
Completely and fully
With love
It drenches my hair
Dripping silky and smooth
Down my spine
And leaves my skin
Damp to the touch
Like a fine mist
A haze
That I breathe in,
A perfume that
Makes me see straight
And keeps my breathing
Steady and even
Lets my heart keep beating.
Love whispers to me
While I sleep
Keeps the bad thoughts away
And settles me
Glowing in the corner
Of my room
Keeping away the dark
And surrounding
Me in light
So I am weightless.

You are honey dripping
Through my
Outstretched fingers,
Saccharine sugar dissolving
On my tongue.
After tasting you
My lips are sweet
And syrupy,
Sticky and shining
In the opal light.
Without you
I am coffee
Scalding and bitter.
But
After you sample me
I am a blend of spices
Aromatic and vivid
Exotic and rare.
I make your
Tongue burn with heat
And tingle
Long after I've left you
You can still
Taste me in the air.
I dream of your
Cloying sweetness
And you my
Powerful, consuming heat.