The emptiness of midnight
has a way of moving the settled seas
of the heart.

The moon hangs desperately,
the darkness seeps into your skin.
The tides turn within your veins and
you sink.

It's there
in the depths of the waves that swell
and swallow your harbor:
the love you left to drown, but has found its anchor
in your bones.

numbers are either big or small
935 is a big number
considering if you have 935 elephants in your bedroom
but 935 is a small number
considering if there's 935 fish in the sea
and there are far less pencils in your backpack
than 935
and far more mosquitoes in Alberta
than 935
but 935 is an enormous number
counting the miles between me and you
and 935 is a minuscule number
when measuring how much my heart aches when you're gone
and when asked how it feels to miss you
i will always reply with
"like 935 tons weighing on my heart"
'cause if i had the chance,
i would love you 935 times over
and i would choose you
in 935 other lives
and in a crowd of 935 people
i would only look for you
and i would cry 935 tears each night
just for you to love me back

numbers are either big or small
and 935 is neither

a.h.d.

even now, there are days I spend floating
in unfamiliar skin that never stops
aching to crawl away from me,
plagued with thoughts that sit
like clumps of undissolved sugar  
in tea that tastes different this morning

outside, I can hear the love song
of snowflakes caressing my windowpane

and it is strange to think that
somewhere, someone is
holding their newborn child,
tiny hands and dark hair, with eyelashes
fluttering like trees in blizzard wind,
and someone else is hearing the ancient voice
of the father they never got to meet
at the end of a static telephone call

my heart leaps for the little girl
with pink dimpled cheeks,
her favorite polka-dotted dress
spinning in unpredictable circles, eyes up
at the kites dancing against the baby blue sky
somewhere warm, whimsical, and
dreamed of

today, there is joy
but it cannot find me

we grew apart and back together, 
days and then weeks and then years 
our friendship
as tumultuous
yet predictable
as the waves are to the shoreline

friends
and fights
and boys
passed us by
as we gripped hands tightly
..mostly to your dismay

you were never the type
to need a sidekick
I was always the type
to be one 

our relationship a fragile flame
always on the verge
of flickering out for good

but we kept it alive
just barely
through these past few years

apologies and soliloquies
mostly on my part
entitled forgiveness
on yours

giving you the power
to push me down
just a Little bit further
every time