I will never apologize for who I am
the words I write
or the things I feel.

I think I am still bitter
over all of it.

I have declared self-enlightenment
from past heartaches and let downs.

Yet, I can't seem to let anything go.

I find the manipulation in people.
I search for the reasons not to trust.
I'm still trying to be alone,
though every atom inside of me,
clearly wants to be loved.

I hide myself
from guys like you
with your genuine eyes
and pretty words
I was warned about
your secret agendas

I am fearful of the monsters
that lurk behind
the type  of people
who can grab
a strangers hand so easily
and declare "love"
as though it does not
have a four-letter meaning

I hide myself away
from guys like you
by giving myself away
to guys like you
if I let you touch,
feel,
every part of my body
then it won't hurt as bad
when you stab me
in my chest
where my heart used to be.
I do not keep it there anymore
I've learned from guys like you

I prepared myself
the moment you set your sights
on me.

I know
to hurt you
will leave me
feeling guilty
but to love you
will leave me
feeling lonely

So
I have an escape plan
a bag packed
sitting in the back of my car

I'm ready to run at any moment
cause guys like you
never mean it

I let different boys touch me
Because I wanted to know
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved
Even if the love was cheap
And it tasted like ***
Like the punchline to a joke
I never got because it was me

I let different boys have different parts of me
Parts they didn't deserve
But I offered up willingly because I couldn't give anything else
after you broke me
I was looking for different fingers
to place different pieces and hoping  the outcome
would be a masterpiece
Maybe one of them would find a way
to cover up the handprints you left all over me

I let different boys touch me because I had to prove to myself
you wouldn't be the only one
that these scars marking my body wouldn't define
my worth to be loved
I am not entirely sure  
you aren't the only one who could ever touch me without slightly  flinching

I let different boys touch me because that is all I have been taught
To be a joke
To be silent
To be ready to give until you have nothing left
- they keep leaving me and I am to scared to offer up anything more than my body to get them to stay

I have a passion that rages inside of me

but it does not know what to be passionate

about

I have the intentions to be inspired
and yet I somehow lack
the capacity to act on these dreams

I have the talent to be amazing

although a fear grows heavier every day

that I will amount the to the bare minimum of it all.

The strangest thing happens
when I write about you.
People listen.
They notice.
even when I don't,

notice.

The strangest thing happens
when I think about you.
The words flow through me
in a simple and tangible way.

My words are coated in so many layers of what I believe I should say,
that when I speak them,
they are so sweet,
they leave a gross taste in people‘s mouth‘s.
I should’ve learned already,
that people can taste the difference between natural and artificial sweetener.