I keep telling myself I'm okay and I'm fine and nothing matters and that the smile on my face is real but I should not be brought to tears when you ask how I'm feeling

I want to paint you, I want to paint with you. I want to be the one that wipes that little smudge of blue paint off your nose. I want to be the one telling you how much better I am with water paint. I want to be the one that you can't get mad at because I spilt the paint. I want to be the one standing in the painting with you; the one with that sunset.

I know, I know, I'm sorry, please, I just wanna die