i feel this empty cavern in my chest

it's not a new feeling

only this time it's for a different reason

i know i can't be with him

i've tried this all before

gone through all this pain already

i thought i learned my lesson

about falling for him

about letting my feelings get in the way of our friendship

i'm sorry

i know that i mess things up

i'm sorry that i can't be the perfect friend

i'll try to be better

to not let this happen again

i promise

so please

don't leave

don't leave me

not now

not when i need you the most

I'm falling

Falling apart piece by piece

Soon enough there won't be anything left

I won't be recognizable

I'll only be pieces of myself

Pieces that won't come back together

No matter how hard I try

I can't ever be my full self again

Not the one my mom wants back

Not the one my family remembers

But only pieces

Broken pieces

Pieces that no one wants

Pieces that dont glue back together

I fell myself falling

And there's no stopping it now

I want you

He wants you

You want me

But you're scared

Scared of what your parents will say

Scared of the people at school

Scared of hurting me

Scared of yourself.

I want you

So bad

And I know you want this too

So whats stopping you?

Who says you can't be mine?

I'm scared,

Scared that I'll go off the deep end.

Scared that I'll do something I regret.

Scared that I'll hurt the ones I love.

But life....

Life is hard right now.

Life is definitely not on my side at the moment.

I have so much stress

Way too much for a highschool student.

So yeah,

I'm scared,

And this time my friends are too.

I get it.

You've known her longer.

Been friends longer.

And I'm just a passing phase.

Just a play thing.

Something to get your mind off of her.

I get it.

But it hurts.

It hurts to know that I'll never be yours.

And you mine.

It hurts that she's my bestfriend.

Who hides nothing from me.

And surely didn't hide this.

I see the looks you give her.

The ones you don't give me.

I see the lingering touches.

So yeah I get it.

Just don't break her heart like you broke mine.

It creeps up on my like a monster in the dead of night.

Sharp claws ready to puncture my skin.

Giant mouth ready to devour my soul.

Piercing eyes to see my every secret.

Ears to hear all of my fears.

It knows that I'm afraid.

It knows that I'm alone.

Vulnerable.

And it waits.

Until the tears start to flow and the sobs tear my throat.

And then it strikes.

Filling my head with lies it creates to make my head swim.

Telling me that I would be better off dead.

And worst of all,

I begin to believe it.

I begin to succumb to wanting to die.

And I let this monster take over my mind.

Until I only have one option.

Death.

I'm leaving today
                                I'm not coming back
                                                                ­    I'm sorry it's so sudden
But I can't take it anymore
                                            Everyone tried to help
                                                                ­                  But nothing works
I can't tell my friends
                                   They worries too much
                                                                ­            And I love them too much
I can't tell my mom
                                 She'll lock me away
                                                            ­         As if I'm not already a prisoner
A prisoner in my own mind
                                              Locked away
                                                                       Where no one can find me
No one will ever understand
                                               How I feel
                                                                   Or what it takes out of me
I can't tell anyone
                              How many sleepless nights
                                                                             I've endured over the years
Or how many times
                                   I've cried in my room
                                                                        Not daring to make a sound
In fear someone will hear
                                           That they'll find out
                                                                             what I've been hiding
So goodbye
                         Because with some luck
                                                                   I wont be coming back.

I know that I'm a disappointment.

I've only been told that half a million times.

It's a running joke within the family now.

I know that I get angry at you.

I know I fight with you.

I know I make things hard.

And as much as you don't think so,

I'm trying really hard.

I'm trying to be better.

I'm trying to better myself.

Get my grades up.

And fix myself for you.

But to you,

I'll always be a dissapointment.

I've lied

To everyone

I told them all that I don't think like that anymore

That all those thoughts are gone

But they aren't

And if anything

They're getting stronger.

Forgive me father for I have sinned...

I said this a lot when I was younger

But now it's,

Forgive me Mother for I have lied.

Or,

Forgive me my love for I have hurt myself.

My entire life, I have been asking for forgiveness.

They say that they forgive me

That all is forgotten.

But it's not.

I'm not trusted.

I'm not trusted to do things with friends.

I'm not trusted around sharp objects.

They never forgave me.

So I guess I'll have to ask again.

what if it's something bad

what if it's something they can't fix

what if i have to get surgery again

what if that doesn't fix it

what happens when the bills rack up

what happens when it's my fault that this is happening

what if?

My mood changes pretty drastically

I can be super happy and bubbly

And then super angry and silent

My friends get confused

My family thinks I'm crazy

But none of that matters

What matters is that my brain is at war with itself

That everyday, I'm fighting myself

To be nicer

To be a better friend

A better daughter

A better girlfriend

To be better.

My mood changes drastically

And one day

I'll end up alone because of it.

i'm sorry that i'm so emotional

i'm sorry for all the tears

i'm sorry

i'm not trying to be so..scared

so angry

so heartbroken

so done with the world

i can't take this feeling anymore

this burning

this rotting

the void that my being has become

i'm so sorry

that i have become such an inconvenience

Would you care if I was gone?

Would you weep for me?

Does it scare you knowing that I feel this way?

Does the thought of me killing myself make you cry?

Or do you not care?

Does it not bother you at all?

Can you go a week without thinking that I'll **** myself?

'Cause I can't

I think about it almost everyday.

My arms and thigh itch at the thought

The thought of running that razor across my skin

The thought of leaving my sadness behind

I want it to end

The pain..the sadness..the void in my chest

I want to give into the itch

I want to take the leap into the chasm

I want to see what's on the other side

I want to leave everything behind

I want to scratch this itch

we have a future

both of us do

whether we're together or apart

we have a future

nothing is certain

nothing is written in stone

but the future is inevitable

sure, we can hang onto the past

but that will never stop the future from coming

so live in the moment with me

let's live and love together

and maybe

our future will be together

for the rest our lives

living in harmony

in our future

I wanna die

I'm not going to **** myself

But if I were to get hit by a truck, I wouldn't care

I would be so okay with that

I don't wanna live on this earth anymore

But I'm not making suicide plans anytime soon

I don't want to be alive

I just don't know what to do

I lost her

Because of that ******* monster

He ripped my heart out of my chest

Yet it still longs for him

I thought I could forget about him

I thought that everything would be okay

But it's not, I'm not

I lost her

She is so amazing

She's the light in my darkness

But now...

She's gone

And it's all his fault

I think I'm broken

I'm not quite sure how this happened

But I what I do know, is that my heart was shattered into a million pieces

My mind has self destructed into toxic thoughts

I can't stop thinking of my blade

I can't stop thinking about running it across my skin again

I want to see my blood run down my leg

I am broken

And I don't know why

I wanna be numb.

I want to feel the familiar buzz in my chest.

I want to be fearless around other people.

I want to spend a night with someone random.

I want to not care about love for one night.

I want to feel nothing but numb.

I want to dance with random people.

I want to be free and wild.

For one night.

All I want to think about, is alcohol.

He broke up with me.

It was sudden and painless.

I didn't cry.

I was fine.

I moved on really fast.

I'm already moved on.

I have a new person already.

She's amazing.

Better than him.

Better than he could ever be.

I feel rotten

From the inside out

It started with my heart

And worked its way around the rest of my insides

My mind is slowly rotting now

The thoughts feel like a thick black tar

Never able to be cleaned

And traps anything that crosses its path

Everything good

Everything bad

I am rotting

And no amount of, therapy, medicine, or hugs can fix it

No matter how many times people try to save me

They are years too late

So I guess i'll rot

And live in this shell that used to be a body

Until the outside of me finally matches the inside

And I'm rotted in the ground

Six feet under.

I don't know anymore

I don't know how to live

How to be happy

How to take care of yourself

How to live with depression

How to be me

How to not fight with my family

How to not snap at them every second of every day

How to tell the truth to my mom

I don't know anymore

How to want to be alive

How to not want to **** myself

I don't know anymore

How I'm going to do it

And when exactly is my last day.

Sometimes I feel like nothing is real

That everything is made up

Or that I'm in a coma

And none of this is actually happening

Im just laying in a hospital bed

Alone with no one by my side

For they have all given up

I feel like this isn't real

Like I'm hallucinating

like I'm on a high that I can't come down from

One that's never-ending

None of this is real

And I guess, I'm finally realizing it.

My mind is killing me

It's telling me that I'm worthless

That I'm better off dead

No one loves me

And they never will

So I should take all of those pills

I should take that razor down my arms

And just leave everyone alone

For good.

I love roses

The color reminds me of the blood that drips from my arms

When I take the blade to my skin, a rose blooms

The scars remind me of thorns

Things that everyone hate

I love roses

They symbolize romance

And I love, love

But I'm not so sure it loves me anymore

I don't know, maybe it does

It just doesn't seem like it

I've been told that I'm loved

I just don't know how that can be true

I love roses

They are beautiful but still have thorns

I'm strong

I may not seem that way sometimes

But sometimes being strong isn't hiding emotions and putting on a brave face

It's being able to show your emotions to those who care

Those who would do anything for you

I am strong

I am not weak

And I will show you just how strong I am

Sobs tear at my throat

Like a demon crawling from hell

They tear up my throat until I let them out

Sometimes they come out when I'm in public

People pity me

I don't want pity

I don't want help

I want this to be over

I want the sobs to stop

I just want to be okay

I'm suicidal

I have thoughts everyday about how I might be better off dead

Sometimes I think about stepping into the street into oncoming traffic

Sometimes I think about swerving my car into the ditch

I promised everyone I love that I wouldnt think about this stuff anymore

But I can't keep that promise anymore

I don't wanna reach out for help

For everyone around me has helped me so **** much

I can't bother them anymore

I can't bother with life anymore

So yeah I'm suicidal

I have been for a while.

Dear dad,

Why?

Why were you such a bad person that mom doesn't want me to see you?

Why were you such a bad person that mom doesn't want you to know that I exist?

Why me?

Everyone else gets to say "My Dad"

But I don't

I get to say "My Stepdad"

But hey it's okay

You only missed 16 years

And not to mention not being there for my siblings

No, Grandma has to

Why?

Am I not good enough?

Did I do something wrong?

Tell me

What is it?

I want to know

If i can improve

If I can do something that will make everything better

To make the pain go away

Because if there is

I want to try

But dad

I need your help

You have to try too

You have to be my dad

I can't take this anymore

I can't keep living this life

I can't stay on this Earth anymore

Not when my only friend is my Razor

When my only solace is hurting myself

When the only thing that comforts me is the demon in my head

I feel like my friends don't love me the way that they say they do

I want to be done with this life so badly

I want to be done with the way life treats me

But that's life huh?

That's the way it is for everyone isn't it?

But for me it seems worse

It seems like everyone is out to get me

I'm done with everything

But at the same time

I still try, I still strive to be perfect

I try for my family, for my boyfriend, for my friends

I try but at the same time I'm done

How can that be?

I have this friend

He's always there for me

Some people think that he hurts me

But he doesn't

He saves me

He saves me from the hell inside my head

He saves me from the people that torture me

He's always there for me

No matter what

Whenever I feel alone

Or when I cry at 3 in the morning

He is there for me

No matter what

Who is he?

He's my Razor.