I wanna be numb.

I want to feel the familiar buzz in my chest.

I want to be fearless around other people.

I want to spend a night with someone random.

I want to not care about love for one night.

I want to feel nothing but numb.

I want to dance with random people.

I want to be free and wild.

For one night.

All I want to think about, is alcohol.

He broke up with me.

It was sudden and painless.

I didn't cry.

I was fine.

I moved on really fast.

I'm already moved on.

I have a new person already.

She's amazing.

Better than him.

Better than he could ever be.

I feel rotten

From the inside out

It started with my heart

And worked its way around the rest of my insides

My mind is slowly rotting now

The thoughts feel like a thick black tar

Never able to be cleaned

And traps anything that crosses its path

Everything good

Everything bad

I am rotting

And no amount of, therapy, medicine, or hugs can fix it

No matter how many times people try to save me

They are years too late

So I guess i'll rot

And live in this shell that used to be a body

Until the outside of me finally matches the inside

And I'm rotted in the ground

Six feet under.

I don't know anymore

I don't know how to live

How to be happy

How to take care of yourself

How to live with depression

How to be me

How to not fight with my family

How to not snap at them every second of every day

How to tell the truth to my mom

I don't know anymore

How to want to be alive

How to not want to **** myself

I don't know anymore

How I'm going to do it

And when exactly is my last day.

Sometimes I feel like nothing is real

That everything is made up

Or that I'm in a coma

And none of this is actually happening

Im just laying in a hospital bed

Alone with no one by my side

For they have all given up

I feel like this isn't real

Like I'm hallucinating

like I'm on a high that I can't come down from

One that's never-ending

None of this is real

And I guess, I'm finally realizing it.

I'm thinking of something
Of a smile
Of a kiss
Of a boy

I'm thinking of you
In all the best ways
You make me smile
More than I ever thought I would

And trust me
Your smile is
Cute and flirtatious too

I am in love
With every part
Of you

My mind is killing me

It's telling me that I'm worthless

That I'm better off dead

No one loves me

And they never will

So I should take all of those pills

I should take that razor down my arms

And just leave everyone alone

For good.