The first time I was told I had doe eyes
Was by the mother (who hated me) of a boy I very much did not love.
That was three days after she asked me
"So what are you, exactly?"

In reference to my nationality.

The first time I was told I had bedroom eyes
Was when I was living in a hotel
With my parents.
And I was cornered in the laundry room
By one of the other, much older, patrons.
He didn't leave
Until my older brother ran in and stared him down.
We didn't talk about it.

The very next day,
A girl in my class was talking to a boy she liked.
I didn't quite understand the interaction until a no-longer-friend of mine
Pointed it out to me.
He rolled his eyes away from her,
And she sulked off.
He turned towards me and said,
"I wish she was more like you. You have bedroom eyes."

I didn't understand this term until a year later,
When I was sitting in a biology class in Georgia,
And the school's premier "stud" (and ****)
Thought he would get something out of sitting next to me.
He went on to explain what bedroom eyes meant,
In vivid detail as to why I had them.
Before I could react,
One of his friends grabbed my shoulder.

I wish I could say I reached around and punched him in the stomach.

But that isn't until later.

No, I stood there, frozen, and hurriedly got up when the bell rang.

One of my only friends from that school walked me to my classes for the remainder of time that I lived there.

I move back home,
And a friend of mine likes to take pictures of me.
My favorite of them is one where I'm not making eye contact.

That friend who walked me to class
Sent me a message.
"Your new picture looks so hot."
I respond
"Thanks, I guess?"
He types back,
"Would be better if I could see those doe eyes though."
I shudder and don't respond.
He types again.
"Nudes?"
I tell him to *******,
Except in more, much more graphic and violent words,
Before blocking him.

Two years pass,
And I'm out of the relationship with the boy
Whose mother hated me
(And I hated him, and I'm pretty sure he hated me
From scars on my knuckles and bruises all over me)
A friend of mine says he wants to go out with me,
I shrug, why not?
He calls me a babe.
Tells me I have bedroom eyes.
I tell him I can't do this.
We don't talk again.

Why is it that my eyes alone
Define me as a ****** being?
I don't have to do anything,
Say anything.
Is it how I try not to make eye contact,
How I keep my eyes on the ground,
Because eye contact, I've learned
Is an invitation to some.
It means "I want to talk to you."
It means "Tell me how I look."
It means "Tell me about my bedroom eyes."
When I blink up at you with long black eyelashes,
And pouting pink lips.

Is that what they see,
When I look up?

Because that is not what I am saying.

I don't know what your doe eyes are saying but
My doe eyes are not saying that.

My doe eyes are saying
That I am fueled by a determination to live
Despite everything else.

My doe eyes are saying
That you can ******* if you don't like that,
If you don't like me.

My doe eyes are saying
No, I won't send you "pics" and I won't be seen as an object.

Because my doe eyes
Are more than just doe eyes.
They're my eyes.
And that's got to be worth something more
Than bedroom eyes.

Isn't it curious
That coincidences don't
Seem so much like coincidences
Anymore?

Sure,
Maybe it was some kind of
Coincidence
That I've loved you all this time,
And that now you're mine to love and to hold,
But I'd like to think
That fate has a funny way
Of bringing people together.

I wanted to be yours,
Yes,
Each and every day before
I finally was.
But was I fit to be yours?
No.
I wasn't quite whole,
I wasn't quite steady.
I didn't quite know
Who I was.

But I am yours,
Through and through.
My heart will always
Belong to you.

But isn't it curious
How life has such a funny way
Of playing out?

i drew a breath
the memory of you left me with no oxygen
smoke instead of air
filled the desperation in my lungs
the ache of wanting something more
were sources of nightmares
i watched clocks
wondering what time you would be back
you were already half way across the world
i was stuck on the kitchen floor
and i say this from the bottom of the biggest rock

What the **** am I doing with my life
There is no gain
Would you like a large fry with that pain
Thanks, come again
She seems miserable and glowing
Contoured on smile
Forcing her to be happy
Counter tops seem befitting tonight
God, I lost my light
Life seems to strip you naked
Bare and thin, it's always in
Lust will **** you dry
Leaving you asking why
She sweats smudged transgressions
He pushes deeper in
His ****** tension draws her sin
She never was meant to win

i.

Sometimes angel's don't always fly,
Sometimes their amongst us;
In human form as disguise.

ii.

Sometimes angel's don't always soar,
They canst be thy child;
Or thy neighbor next door.

iii.

Sometimes angel's don't always wear wing's, they canst crieth, they bleed;
They art thy son's, daughter's,
Poet's, feins.

iv.

Sometimes angel's take upon them mortal flesh, yet they giveth their blood for other's; til their souls art ****, undressed.

v.

Sometimes angel's don't walk through wall's, sometimes they build those bridges, work night's or morn's, their backs art torn;
Their hands art raw.

vi.

Sometimes angel's art poor and rich,
Some abide in prison cell's, some hath seen heaven-hell; some give the raiment off their shoulder's, some work in muck, other's grit.

vii.

Sometimes angel's cant spell nor write, yet in times of hurt, their the ones polite; pouring out their love as God doth command.

viii.

Some angel's speak in silence, other's with distress in their eyne; some angel's hold up sign's reading
"This is the end of time".

ix.

Some angel's art from the middle East, other's from places cold, some on warm sandy ground, some in the divided land of the free, some down in Mexico;

Some angel's hide in mountain's,
Where the smoke doth never clear;
Some sleep near Creeks, in huts, in street's; some hath none home,
Some art cast away's- by their
Families considered freak's.

x.

Some angel's art light, and yet some art dark, some art Asian, Filipino, Malaysian, Chinese, Pakistani, African, Indian; all hath dreams.

Some eat fast cooked poisons, made from restaurants, other's chow with just their finger's or plow's, the opulent with forks and glitz;
Steak and egg's with clean shaved head's.

xi.

Some angel's sleep in ghetto's, meadow's, gutters; other's watch in heaven, looking down upon another.

xii.

Some angel's lie and wait for what tomorrow brings, smiles on their face, yet heart's crying; with sickness or losing their place.

Some angel's art right in front of thee, though thou canst not see;
Those angel's art the poet's
Whom hath given me strength
In mine time of need.

xiii.

So dear poet and Poetess, to those whom hast prayed for me in love; I thank thee, now look above, for God's glow is in this room, I feel his presence, I wilt tell thee truth.

The truth is this dear poet's, friend's of mine; forever show the creator's love and forgiveness, for those art God's commands, as Jesus stands beside me.........

He hold's mine hand.

©Brandon nagley
©Lonesome poet's poetry
©Dedicated to all the poet's praying
for me and thinking of me in such a hard time I'm going through. I've been pretty sick lately so wanted to thank each and every one of you while I am ok. As putting all into gods hands. And for anyone who doesn't know yeshua hamashiach( meaning in Hebrew Jesus the Messiah as savior I have many links on my page links below plus in poems how to accept Christ as your savior. He died for all of you no matter what wrong you've done in life or continue to do. We have the son of God who died for all mankind's sin's for atheist, agnostic, Buddhist, Muslim, satanist. Pagan, witchcraft dabbler. Doesn't matter who you are. My Jesus loves each of you so much and wanna know how to be saved in him and why please look in past writing's on salvation and truth what's coming to this planet as is already happening now. I know this poem probably won't be very liked because i mention my lords name. As Christ told his believers long ago ( they would hate me because they first hated him) and how sad that is when he died rose again the Third day for every single human. You want truth seek Christ before to late. Because he is the life. He is life love forgiveness and the only way to heaven. Pray you accept him as Lord and Savior if haven't yet.

God bless.
Your friend Brandon nagley.

Note to fellow Christians( keep strong always look to Lord, and always I mean this with strong words
( ALWAYS show others love even if hated, if one takes your cloak give them the other also. If one snacks your cheek turn your other to them as well that they may smack the other. Take no vengeance. God's will be done not yours. Always always always FORGIVE one another and love one another. And you are the temples in which the holy spirit dwells, let God work in you let God's love flow through you like you flow words on your phone and laptop. Let God's forgiveness he gave you be given to all. Holding no bitterness or grudges in your human heart. God's greatest command to you and me is love so give it. Loving God first especially by keeping his words) commands, and loving man next no matter what they do or have done to you. Step out of the world yes it's hard sometimes as I got my own issues battling the flesh so I judge noone but trust God. We're saved by grace of God through our faith in Jesus Christ. Let not that faith die but live it out daily. Listen to another, help another. Let God soften your hearts he's the Potter we the vessels. Let God's love shine out of you be not of the world for the world knows its own as our Bible spoke but God knows who are his. So live for Christ because we are his fellow Christian. And be not weary our Lord will call soon , as Bible speaks we won't know the day nor hour Christ will come for us but we ( WILL know) even by all the signs when it's at the doors. And he's knocking at the doors by all signs. Be ready for Christ's calling ( bride of Christ) meaning the church Christ is coming for his Bride. Be ready Christians heed my words. You don't always have tomorrow or tonight get things right now with loved ones you hurt, friends, family. Anyone youve hurt apologize to. Anyone your holding anger against forgive them today. Anyone youve never said you love them to say it. Make wrongs right and rights better. Let others see Christ because his spirits in you. Stop sleeping look around what's happening and be ready for the trumpet to blow.
With love
Poet Brandon.