there’s an overwhelming loneliness
that burns from the chambers
don’t listen to the voicemail i left
from the nights i’ve sobbed in my pillow
i can’t remember the last time it felt
old lovers remember it fondly
but i remember waiting by the phone
i’ve spent a lifetime in the dark
and learned the lesson that’ll haunt me
there’s no voice who will call
no voice to tell me i’m what they wanted
start swallowing your pride and remember it
it’s just you
an overwhelming mess
a manic storm
i will never be the one they needed
only a temporary hold
but never something permanent
i’ll leave more voicemails in the dark
i’ll send the chamber to hell
i’ll ignore all the lessons
give it another lifetime
maybe i’ll remember it fondly too

“healthy”
the meaning always stayed
toned bodies and goals to achieve
but what is the meaning of “healthy”?
what can i possibly achieve
when my hair goes brittle
fingers going blue
when the smallest size can’t even fit
i never knew what “healthy” meant
all i knew was obsession
all i knew was a crumbling body
all i knew was isolation
just a self-destructive mindset
it’s been a decade of yearning
yearning for this to end me
and i could leave them behind me
“healthy”
the word still feels lost to me
winds of time continue on
i no longer feel the cold in my bones
no longer cry at the sight of a meal
i’m not happy with myself
i’m not happy with being “healthy”  
but if those i love can feel happy
those i love can still hold me as i stay here
then perhaps “healthy”
is something i have to live with

to engage in testosterone fueled fantasies
of thinking "i am always right"
"i am never wrong"
you and your best friend
like minded subjects
i don't care if it was all gray to everyone
it wasn't gray to me
and it wasn't gray to her
i don't care it it's not hostile to everyone
it's hostile to me
and they were hostile to her
a mirror's image to the one we vilified
yet no one sees the same narcissist
with the hellfire temper
i hope you live uncomfortably like i do
i hope you hold in anger
just like i do

harmful to others
beloved by many
i feel foolish for even speaking
of course no foul deed goes unpunished
but a slap on their wrist
equivalent to a slap in my face
how do those live feely?
the menaces in society?
hiding behind gentle faces and sweet smiles
underneath it looks sickening
it’s beyond a spoiled barrel
the rotten apple contaminated all
you and your friends sharing the same mind
they'll combine the guilt and mental gaslight
i feel foolish for even speaking
i feel foolish for letting this grow
when i should’ve ripped out the roots