void - Hello Poetry

void Apr 2022

i would like to fall in love someday
to feel that warm embrace when i enter the door
to call someone my home, my sanctuary
i would like to fall in love someday
and cherish memories lasting in my heart
growing old and holding hands in the grave

but i've slowed down to remember my youth
how much i have to do, so little that i achieved
neglecting to nurse myself back to health for years
i have finally grown used to the quietness
i have finally grown used to sleeping alone
i can't bring myself to fall in love today
i can't bring myself to even have a crush
but i'm okay with waiting for now

escapril day 5 prompt: crush

void Apr 2022

brutality

draw blood when you bite their arm
leave a permanent mark on their body
claim it as your own for the rest of your life
tear off their limbs to keep with you
have their arms around you
a gentle hold on a violent body
a crying fit while sitting in blood
you'll do anything to be held and be loved again
you'll cry and stay violent to yourself
to keep someone latched to you permanently
to bite their arm and leave a scar on them
nothing is good enough. no one will stay.
so you tear off their limbs to keep with you
you hope that it can keep you satisfied

escapril day 3 prompt: limbs

void Apr 2022

two different people

i refuse to hold the agony of waiting in my heart
rip it out of me, please
separate me from my body
i beg you
i don't believe this shell i reside in can hold much longer
it is trapped with endless ramblings in my brain
my legs forced to keep moving
a beating heart full of wrong choices
a knife to the chest, aware that i'm existing
i have not given consent to bring this body into this world
and no one ever gave me a choice
i beg you
rip out my heart. rip out my lungs too.
i refuse to wait anymore
i want a change that i can see
separate me from this person i don't want to be

escapril 2022 day 2 prompt "a separation"

void Mar 2022

calling a moving van

i want to go home
there is a void in the street
it blocks my path with an image of familiar body
a head of honey brown curls
eyes sunny and bright
a smile that could grow flowers

i reached out to the void
it calls to me with promises whispered
"it's okay, we're okay. i love you."
an soft echo in my ears becomes a screech
the void watches me cry
the void won't leave
bright eyes watch over me

my hands shake as i reach out
i grasp onto the void
the image disappears, and i crumble
my home is gone but leaves the void
i long to feel what i will miss endlessly

the void moves close and swallows me whole
it's a feeling of comfort yet despair
i will always love you
i will always recognize you
but i cannot recognize myself
time to decorate my new home

written jan 2022

void Mar 2022

stagnant

there is a sense of incompletion
a sense of the most lackluster life
where i have lived with no thoughts and no motivation
i spend my days living with obsession
begging for ambition and yearning for admiration
but nothing has been completed
i'll spend my life wishing the universe had plans for me
i'll live with no thoughts, no motivation
i'll die with so much to be done
i'll die begging for satisfaction

written october 2021

void Oct 2020

hot chocolate comfort food

my hands still shake
my body still hurts sometimes
i can’t look at myself in the mirror
i feel unclean
i’m unholy
i want my body cleansed
my skin removed
i want purity and a new beginning

unsafe surroundings, unsure motives
everything scares me
i still feel the unwanted touch
the absolute violation of my body
i cry at night
“my fault my fault my fault”
my body rots

come down to earth
rain falling down the window
heavy breathing
“it’s okay it’s okay”
you’re okay
you’re safe
you have a blanket
and a cup of hot chocolate

it’s okay
i have a cup of hot chocolate
i’m safe
and he’s not here

comfort food

void Sep 2020

i think this might be it for me

i have cried every night since i was here
brick walls do not feel like home
but when will i know what a home is
when trauma is my unbearable roommate?
a sliver of attention lives rent free in my head
and it holds itself as the joy in my heart
create a bully in the form of friendship
i know there’s no love
but pretend they feel mutual
it’ll help in the morning to forget it
when i starve yourself to feel ribs again
perhaps something can get through to you
maybe the brain starts to grow up
you can run away as often as you want
call a new place your home
pretend no one can find you
but fear holds you hostage
acceptance is something you don’t receive
get over yourself
this is only closer to the end for you

my meds aren’t doing anything anymore