I underestimate how draining it is to eat desperation without a sip of apathy.

I have a crush
My pelvis throbs anytime anyone hot comes near me;
But this? It's different.
I feel your presence.
Your body? It's almost pulling me towards you.
You feel familiar.
Like past me was friends with you in high school in a parallel universe.
I can feel you staring at the side of my face sometimes.
I pretend to be casual.
I crack jokes and try to get to know you better.
I also don't wanna scare you off.
Last night, I checked out your Instagram by chance.  
Your joke captions nail the accompanying photo so well I want to kiss your forehead.
I want to hug your body against mine.
I want to trace kisses down your neck and warm my hands with your hands
I want to fall asleep strewn across your chest.

You are safe.

I
Love
You.

A technicolor thriller movie hits me up the head.
It comes sneaking around the bright corners of my mind.
It breaks through the firewalls of pleasant memories.
It melts my thoughts into mush.

I give in.
My heads drop to my side and my nails begin to dig in to my palm.
Immediately I started toying with the dead skin on my bottom lip.
The winter has been cruel to my skin.

Each rip of dead skin feels cathartic.
I am peeling away my pain and discomfort.

My Flashbavk looms over until I am completely defenseless.
Which is one or hits.

I feel I am on a shaky old roller coaster that have up.
The ride attendee has side bye.
The silence is deafening.
My breath catches in my ears.

I wake up on the floor of the cold, wood floor of the living room.

I have no recollection of what happened.

I feel deattached and removed like a minor character in a big movie.

The star has just gotten hit by a track and the perky comic relief friend turns serious.

That is my flashbacks.

I am not as scared as before but I don't trust him.

I worry he'll come when my defenses are even more eroden.

I whisper the duas I learned in Sunday school to ward the ailments of my conditions.

I tell myself it's a just a test.
I put my headphones back in and resume listening to stromae, letting the tears take control.

It's all that I have known.

I am a woman woman woman
Oozing stomach, uneven eyes
Bruised knees, giraffe neck
Wide forehead, apish lips
Bony scabby elbows, flabby weak arms
Gruesome feet, stubby toes
Uneven colored skin, ashen skin
Wispy pale skin, suitcases under the eyes
Blackened eyelids, alien ears
Oversized *****, **** too big for these jeans
Thunder thighs, fat calves
Wide nose, is my mustache obvious?
Flesh bleeds into soul
Carrying all these flaws becomes too cumbersome to bear
I pack all the things I can’t stand in a box
It will be my daughter who will sort through my remains
Here is where I couldn’t stand to look at
There lies what I was conditioned to unlike
It will then be her duty to carry my hurt along with her
Like an anchor