I remember waking up very early the next morning,
maybe three hours after I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

I tiptoed through the house, careful not to wake anybody up,
even the guy who kept telling you to drink
even though you very kindly asked him to stop.

I'm not sure if you ended up drinking,
I forgot most of what happened that night,
but I remember shouting from the tire swing
that I loved you and that I loved you
and that I loved you.

I found where you were sleeping,
relieved to find no body next to yours,
and calmly placed a hand on your forehead.
You stirred, before gently grabbing my hand as it pulled away.

Eyes still closed,
you asked me how I felt.

I feel okay, nothing appears to be broken.

You said nothing and went back to sleep.
I said nothing and sat there for a long while.
I watched your chest rise and fall with each breathe,
and I loved you and I loved you and I loved you.

After a time I stepped outside to smoke a thought,
and the thought I smoked was not of you or of the night before
but of my mother.
She told me,
after I brought home my first date, two months into my freshmen year of high school,
that just because I desire somebody's love,
does not mean I deserve it.

I loved you and I loved you and I loved you
but I did not deserve your love.

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes

He’ll never fall in love he swears
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I’m laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
(He tells a joke, I fake a smile)
But I know all his favorite songs

And I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie

He stands there, then walks away
My God if I could only say,
"I’m holding every breath for you..."

He’d never tell you but he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything but my heart
First thought when I wake up
Is "My God, he’s beautiful."
So I put on my make-up
And pray for a miracle

You will lean across my body,
you pause as we both stare.
inside the cosmos of our eyes
two universes ask each other,
will you kiss me?
will you let me?
and you will lean across my body.
and you will breathe a breath so deep
it blows my hair behind my neck
which tickles my ear
and i hear you whisper a thousand secrets
in that tickled breathe
of how wicked, how divine you are.
and you will lean across this body
and your chest will heave mighty gasps
from mighty heartbeats
and quicked breaths.
valves that open and close like butterfly wings in pursuit
and you will lean across this body, my body
and i will feel your lips and they will feel as vast and endless and unforgiving as the ocean,
and you will lean, you will heavily... with all your might, you will lean across this body,
and you will grit your teeth like lovers will, when lovers want.
and you will lean across this body,
you will push across this body and you will grasp and dive, and fall, and tumble and
and you will lean across this body, my body, and you will kiss me
and i will wake.

sahn 4/29/2014