my hand is shaking
and its a struggle to write what I need to say
my eyes are begging, make it stop
and the tears falling
are the examples of why
I need these tremors to go away

I'm watching this way and that
sounds and voices pass
its a struggle not to scream
the cool touch of the wall
is nor a comfort or a pain
I need something
make me feel whole again

they're talking about me this time
its a struggle to focus on one thing
sitting up
I'm wishing I was down again
the floor and the walls passing by
all are just a reminder
I messed up again


when am I gonna find the glue,
disappear,
or make it through?

I'm scared**
when I lie awake
to the creak of the floorboards
rustle of the bushes
the walls that seem to call my name

and even  
right under the bright sun
when every single flaw
and all the pain I feel
shines
all in front of there eyes

and the honest truth is
I don't know how to smother the fear
lock it inside
transform into the strong person
they make me to be

so that's why I cry
and why I be-little who I am
I speak in little phrases
and hide behind my friends

and I wonder
because
shouldn't seventeen years and counting
have
toughened my bones
smoothed the edges
of a life I was supposed to lead?

it's so easy to look back
see all the happiness
it radiates off everything
and its all apart of who she is

here surrounded by the white walls
the blaring beeps of the monitors
each saying the same thing
she's not the same

I want her in the wake of the worst
to feel the tips of my fingers,
and the tears that escape down my cheek
to understand
my pain won't go away
only once she meets my eyes and takes my hand,
and when I can ease the terror
I know, that's running through her brain

then,
I'll be able to close my eyes,
and wipe my face
know at last- *she's safe

today he told me he wants to be with me
and I couldn't tell him the same
I'm looking back and I can't remember
what I did
to seek the eyes of someone greater than me

if we sat together
he'd have to watch the space between us
and if he grabbed my hands
he'd have to bite his tongue
rid his questions
when I pull away

when I return
happy or sad or breathing heavy
he'd have to comfort me
and those questions
there starting to pile up
and then I'm gone again

if we're in a hotel
or traveling the world
he'd have to shield his eyes
when the tears
and the shakes of my shoulders
won't go away

his questions are overflowing and he's ready to burst

I can't let him endure it all
just to be with me
so I tell him this pain
and I'm not surprised when I'm all alone again

I have nothing to write that will change us
And every time you hesitate
close your eyes
purse your lips
I know there's no more us

Tonight I met him
don't give me that angry stare
don't embrace me in a hug- and apologize
because you know I want nothing more than us

But we both know
fate
destines us apart

So tomorrow
and all the tomorrows your lungs breathe
keep me in your memories
but
don't remember
me and you
as an *us

Five days, each, we do the same
rise to the sun
mold our face

hard desks, loud voices
we take notes
they think we care
all it takes, a second- earns a twitch of the finger
but they don't see

we are safe

Yet here we sit
we wonder why
before us- the scientist, the detective
most referred- the counselor awaits

we ponder
do they know
pain is what we crave

we see no perceptive
cross their face

all we can do is wait

I'm back again
the me that cries
nights spent sitting up  
eyes watching nothing


I'm back again
the me that lost the will to fight
classrooms, bustle with gossip
students trying,
barely awake
eyes blurry
I wish I had no more time

I'm back again
the me that feels the tile beneath my knees
throat raw
distant voices- happy, alive
eyes deceiving
I can feel the time getting shorter and shorter

I'm back again
the me who is restrained
anxiety more severe, pounding on my chest
eyes closed
I know they turned back the clock
sentenced me with more time

I'm back again
the me who has to find the right way
path or no path
life has been given to me