I'm lying on my bed in the pitch dark
snuggled underneath the covers
my eyes are leaking tears
and I'm too bothered to wipe them away

Sitting up I find
I'm fading
the ground is so far away
and I don't have enough energy to reach

my hands
nor my legs
work
the way they used to

and my mind is skipping
thoughts and memories split in half
the minutes and the hours around me
don't seem to last

I'm less and less than I was
and no ones
bothered to take a look

Tonight I'll be gone
before you get a chance

she is perched on his bed above the covers
he can feel her weight on his tired limbs
she doesn't understand
he can't keep his eyes open long enough to truly see
she smiles for the flash
he treasures his last few hours

her thumb traces his silhouette
doesn't remember this time
no voice
or mannerism  to match him
all she has is this Polaroid candid

and years later
she still doesn't understand
why he had to leave

I feel so confident
behind these facades
but in front of you
I'm just a puddle under your feet

I have a problem
I can't concentrate
or smile your way

my self esteem is terribly low
and the time is escaping me
I'm losing all control

but

even so, you try to gather me up
strong embrace
and I'm shaking
begging
I need space

in the pitch black
I'm back to cursing my name
I'm
just
a
disgrace..
hopeless..
worthless..
weak..
timid soul

late night I wrote a poem for you
it goes a little something like this

you left
I hurt
you came back
I kicked you to the dirt
now there calling me a *****
and your laughing through your tears
I won't let you leave again
and I won't let you forget
I ached for you
I trembled at night
now you deserve to hurt

I'm throwing this poem in the lake
sobs breaking through
if only I could hurt you
but I can't- I love You

what do I do
I've walked thousands of miles
tore my flesh on the rubble
followed the path

climbed to the highest peak
watched the world flow
now I'm at the drop

it's tonight- or never
and I realize
I was never your first choice

You put me second
the same way
I put myself last

and now
my eyes are blurry
and I'm reaching
searching

but I am no ones first
I'm stuck in a dark abyss
I lost my chance to be safe
the second is always a waste

I want out, but that's a joke

I'm not going to make it to Europe or the islands
I'm not going to make it to the city
some days i can't even make it out of bed

why
everything passes my eye
spinning
years and years I still can't explain the motion

then there's the hate
I'm screaming to get up, to stop
to be normal

but within  a second I'm sobbing to empty walls
I try to be quiet
but it's tearing through my lungs

I'm a lost cause
there's no cure
for my mind

so don't bother
your efforts, your support,
its all a waste of time
for a girl who
is cheating her life

I'm sitting here
face solemn
waiting for just one person
to question why
and suddenly
I know
they can't see
they can't hear
they are living for themselves

I get up
gaze locked to the floor
now I just have to wait
till everything shatters and the floor
escapes my feet
I don't question it
and they won't see

I'm halfway out
they still don't hear my moans late at night
I wonder if there even real
my only question for them
is what will happen when I'm gone