sometimes we find our best self in the silence. when there’s nothing to listen to expect the sound of our heartbeat, something happens. you find the rhythm of your own thoughts and you stop being so afraid of where those thoughts go. you learn what keeps your hands busy and your mind engaged. we live in a world that insists that you are incomplete in some fundamental way if you aren’t constantly surrounded by other people. and if you ever allow yourself to be alone when you feel lonely, you might start to believe the lie. i like being alone, but i don’t like being lonely. but if you let go of all your expectations for a happy life and simply live, i think you’ll find that being alone isn’t scary or sad at all. there is clarity in the silence. there is hope there too

i was made for more
i was made for shining bright
i wasn’t made to drown in my sorrows
i was made to find joy
i wasn’t made for fear
i was made with a brave spirit
i was made to give love
i wasn’t made to hide in shame
i was made to dance in grace
i wasn’t made for here
i was made for eternity
i was made for more.

your wild hair
is just a little
glimpse of who
you are,
it tells me
that your heart
and your dreams
and soul
are just as wild
as those locks
of yours
you are lovely
and free
and brave
and
your heart finds
life in color
and boldness
and who you are,
wildflower,
makes you beautiful.

a list of the things my soul forgot:

i am still brave
i am free
i am beautiful
i have hope
i am redeemed
i am alive
and my story is still being written
i am worth more than the words i write
and i have worth even when i cannot write
and i am also worth more than the sun
and the moon
and the stars
i can dream
i am not perfect and it is okay to struggle
because even though i don’t deserve grace
it is mine
i am lovely
and i am loved
and even if i forget the truth
that doesn’t change that
it is still true.

i wonder if the doors in the house you grew up in
started slamming themselves to save your father the trouble.
i wonder if you can remember the last time you prayed,
and if you had trouble unfolding your hands.
i wonder if your mother knows
about the collection of hearts you hide in your closet,
i wonder if she could tell mine apart from the rest.
i wonder if your shoes know the reason why
you keep them by the back door and not your bedside.
and sometimes, i wonder
if you ever think about that night when i told you,
you wouldn't need to drink so much if you had me.
but it seems like we only speak when you've got body on your brain,
whiskey in your glass,
your judgement is overcast,
and you know i'm too weak to ignore you.
i learned how to translate your texts
from drunken mess back into english.
i am fluent in apology, but i don't ask you for them anymore.
this is just how it is.
it's not enough for either of us
but ******* it we are not above settling.
so i will ignore her name on your breath,
and you will ignore the fact that this means something to me.
i always thought the first time i kissed you,
it would be on your mouth.
i just wanted to be something warm for you to sink into,
something that could convince you to stay a second night.
but i sneak you out in the early morning,
and you take a piece of my pride with you when you go.
i am left to nurse the hangover from a wine i've never tasted,
wondering how this is possible.
waiting for the next drunk call,
for the next time i get to pretend we are lovers,
the next time i get to live out the fantasy i am most ashamed of.
it is the one in my head where you want me when you're sober too.

- m.f.

loving you teaches me
i still have a lot to learn.
about love:
how it learns to bend under the weight
of shortcomings.
how forgiveness holds it all together.
about you:
how i do not know you entirely.
how every day is like meeting you for the first time.
about me:
how i am the best of me when i'm with you.
how my heart grows with the passing of time.

i wish you well.
every joy.
all the words. may you turn time into poems. into stories. to keep forever.
i wish you rain.
growth. spring.
summer.
a kiss.
light. may you always trust the path before you. even if you cannot see it.
laughter. like a waterfall.
photos. take them. be in them, too.
softness. for the heart, the eyes. the soul.
songs. for every moment. for when there are no poems.
airplanes and coffee shops and places.
friendships. silver and gold.
letters. for you, from you.
wisdom. and the learning that comes with it.
the tears, too.
rivers to follow.
and all that hasn’t been yet.