Last Sunday, the priest told all grandparents to come up front. In celebration for grandparents' day. I couldn't help but feel blue, feel sad, knowing that you're not with us anymore. Tears rolled down my eyes as I felt yearning. I miss you so bad.

It's been three years since you left us. I miss your beautiful smile. I miss seeing you walking around the house. I miss seeing you standing near our fish pond, waiting for a catch. I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss your cooking. I miss you, the entirety of you. I never fully understood the meaning of the  word “mourn” until year 2021.

Grief never left my side once we met.
Grief is a friend for life.
The kind that shows their face in the most unpredictable moments, never fades away or falls out, becoming more aquatinted as we go through life.

Grief is selfish, wanting our undivided attention, expecting us to indulge in its deep dark thoughts with strong pretention.

Grief is harsh, not hiding nor sugarcoating any attack.

Grief is bitter, grief is unkind.
Grief is a thief, stealing my peace of mind.

If only heaven had visiting hours. But I know you're always here guiding us. I know you're still here with us, guiding us every step of the way.

I love you lola.
Three years without you and it feels like yesterday.
Three years without you and the pain is still there.
Three years without you and I'm still yearning for your presence.

It's okay to be the one who
looks back,
hugs tighter,
stares longer,
loves a little more.
It's okay.

I told the moon about you,
how you would always smell nice,
how corny you get just so you
can attempt to see me smile.

I told the moon how you would comfort me
when I am at my lowest.
I told the moon how you would consume my entire being
without me even noticing it.

I told the moon how your eyes would light up
every time you speak something you're passionate about.
But tonight, I'm telling the moon that I want to be loved entirely,
with all your heart and if you can't, don't love me at all.

Love was never destined to be given
in maybe's, possibly's or i think so's.
I want to spend my days with you,
then it'll be like the first time we met, the first time we talked.

With face masks on, and face shields up,
in the midst of the pandemic,
we let our guard down and fell in love.

This is not your typical love story.
In the midst of thousands of covid cases, we went out on dates.
Not minding the peril.

There is nothing quite so pure in love,
when all the fears with safety goes away,
For you, I'll risk it all. For you, it's worth it.

Love is diving headfirst
into someone else's uncertainty,
and finding
that it all makes sense.

We fell in love, in the time of covid.
And oh, I’ll let you into my heart
but wipe your hands.

I think it’s beautiful
the way you glisten,
when you talk about
the things you risked for love.

The day we met, we sat on the floor, trying to get to know each other, all the while knowing that there's no way out, we lay with our legs entwined. I love you, and it's the kind of love that feels safe. Do you understand? It feels as if you were the one who removed a thousand knives pressed against my heart. You make my heart beat ever-so quietly.

God knows I love you. I hope this will work out. I hope we won't be breaking each other’s hearts. Because I'm sick and tired of people coming in and out of my life. I don't want you to be another heartache.

I lay here silently, loving the way everything unfolded. It's been two years since we met. I built a home in you, and you in me. I hope this lasts.

Stuck in traffic, with all cars hitting their brakes, my best friend suddenly asked me, are you already sure about her?

In a heartbeat, I immediately responded, "yes." For once in my life, I am that certain, I am sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Then it hit me, that I was able to respond without a doubt, without any hesitations. At the back of my mind, I began to think - I wish you feel the same way too.

It's okay, I tell myself. It's absolutely okay to feel deep sadness about the things I thought I've moved on from. Go easy, go easy on yourself. I know I want to be free. I'll get there eventually. But tonight, I'll allow myself to feel. I'll allow myself to grieve. I'll allow myself to succumb to all the lonely feelings. It doesn't mean I'm weak. It just goes to show how truly and how deeply I cared. I'm not gonna shrug it off.

It might take a little longer. It might require buckets of tears. But I know that in time, I'd look back and remember tonight - I'll remember how lonely I felt, but I still believed that life is significant. I'll remember tonight and feel relieved, that this amount of unhappiness can turn into golden, genuine smiles ...in time.