Yesterday I attended a party
stepped in agleam with one thought dominant
careless in this thought for an unconditional reason
movie projector and the dance floor lit dimly by moonlight.
My eyes locked on you
my body in rhythmical motion
ambiguous emotion
flowing like liquor like a waterfall or few raindrops
me in my altering mindset of enigma
My heart lost in the old love song.
But then I saw you on the parquet underneath the disco ball
it was about midnight
and all the lights focused on us.
Gazing back into my not so vibrant past in which I swam freely
I thought I’d wonder:
How could I have danced with someone else
when I just wanted to dance with you.

ivy climbing up
the wall of an old town house,
no rush, no pressure.

Stay cool with yourself
never with the dynamically developing globe
backwards

I must have finally learned to have a stoic mind
since I’m moving through needy concepts in line
Melrose Avenue
step higher but first wisely choose the goal

Don’t climb to heavens intoxicated or else you might fall
let go of your role and forget the scenario

Just be who you are
Just do what you do

I own an ancient mind which is beheld occasionally through celluloid
grainy paper rock solid dance floor
I write and it’s here

Be yourself
Do your thing

Live your life
Or your dream

Caretake the estate of yours away from the burdensome business
never clarify lines of ink dark thoughts requested
but compare yourself to your future form which has yet to be revealed

But that not on the worldwide scene
given the opportunity to

You choose your future now
because your past chose you

And you became an extravagantly beautiful poet taken from
the purest blackness
to your lover’s arms in one lunatic degree tick

Now

Forget all your deadlines underneath long sleeves
and paper circles of the night
It all has been planned you just have to remember

You select your path
Single never dual

Forget people you want to forget
Bring end to this masquerade

Make people and me happy simultaneously?
Ha-Ha-Ha

I tried to stay cool I can say the least.

Your warm embrace is the sweetest melody,
a perfect cure for my natural malady,
the desired land,
the lighthouse,
the verve born from being in your hands reach,
be here forever,

keep my photosynthesis going,
you are the softest piano ballad made,
you are the air,
an exotic butterfly,
which I caught with a casual bug net,
on my meadow,
by the lake,

I caught you once,
I won’t lose you easily,
grasping you tightly like you’re all I have,

and I don’t have much on mind lately,
I just daydream,

heaven comes down after sunrise,
on the bigger patio,
oranges,
coffee,
and bread.

The sun won’t go down today,
summertime flows in my veins,
endless like a cup of green tea,
soothing like ocean sounds,
majestic like a wildflower,
this is truly the only way to live,

and I thought:
this is the objective of my life,
keep close what keeps me alive,

the coldness in me left,
but soon it will return to me,
like a boomerang,
like hope,
which I let go, caught and lost again,
but the poetry of my heartbeat is warm enough to keep me safe,
from coldness,
from darkness,
from sadness,
may it be summertime every day,

back to business but without Venus,
you’ve hurt me enough,
back to Hollywood with a new mind:
cleansed,
warm,
and kept alive,

in the warmth of summertime,
pinnacle,
prime,
ground forever stable,
water forever flowing,
greenery forever green,

old menacing forecast turned into a joke,
survival into a game for children,
happiness into casual eternity,
and summertime is forever.

i belong to the beach
when i leave the house it’s my first occurring thought to go there
it might be the air that’s alluring me
or the waves which i love to watch crash
but thinking on a more spiritual level- it’s the deep sea that speaks to my soul
the big blue
the equivalence of my endless contemplation about life and what it consists of
for me- it’s all about love

this is the part when questions rise

who am i?
nobody’s first gossip call pick
dreamer without a real life
unsure if the soil i’m standing on won’t collapse under the weight of my thoughts
they’re dense and chaotic at times but the sea is chaotic too and it’s beautiful
after all i’m a beautiful person forever lost like a message in a drifting bottle
like a sweet love song that no one ever got to sing or hear
like a seashell of warm colors whose wanderlust is infinite
alas its horizon finite

who am i?
a metaphorical sailor steering his yacht for lifetime
who thought he’s seen it all
i thought i had all it takes to make it
but it takes confidence, determination and good instinct to survive in this world
but all i have is love
i’m human- i have a heart in my chest
i have feelings to cater and needs to meet
i used to desire millions and sports cars on a posh brick parking lot
a modern house hanging from a cliff with a nice view of the churning sea
and a wide balcony so i could spread my arms and catch the wind
feel like a sailor as free and wild as i thought i could be
now i just wanna belong to someone
i wanna be held like no one ever
i want my salty tears to be caught before they drop on my bed or sweater
i’d rather be forgotten than remembered for my broken dreams
if i had to live alone again i’d just rather disappear

vanish
in the waves
in the overwhelming heat of august
i dive in deep but return to the coast in the end
like a fragile seashell that i am

i get halfway undressed
i leave my favorite shoes pointed south
leave my loose flannel shirt on cause i’m not confident enough to go without
i forget the deafening burden and i forget the cursed clout
in the sea foam i look for me
i walk slowly towards the sea
till half of my body is in water and the other half in reverie
and then u come in
and everything goes the way i wanted it
i love u
i love ur wet hair
and how ur eyes reflect the sun
and i love the way u smile
and i need u here
i need ur guidance and kindness
otherwise i can’t be the real me

questions sink in quicksand
i’m as free as i can imagine

i belong to the music
to my all time favorite songs which i play and which i sing to feel free
to knock the weight off my shoulders
and i can’t even sing that well but i do it for me
i’m nobody known but i feel like a demigod on a lit stage
everyone is cheering for me
it’s all so perfect that’s it’s no wonder why i love to dream
and why i loathe reality
why am i stuck in this stupid country where i have to pretend i’m someone else?
i wanna break out
i wanna love u out loud
without having to check if someone’s looking over my shoulder
or spying on me
i wanna have real dreams not those that won’t come true
i want delusions to escape into the circulating air
my dreams stack till they reach the ceiling and there’s no room anywhere

so let me dream
let me live **** fantasy
if that’s all a tainted dreamer ever gets
i wanna be free and loved and respected and not declined on every step
i just wanna matter
i yearn for these things

what is the biggest dream of them all?
flying free?
it’s just about being loved

who is the king of my heart?
i’d say i am but i need to be lead through each and every dark tunnel
that i unawarely enter half awake
my boat is wooden and amateur and i’m still scared of drowning
in the vast sea of my troubled mind which is non-stop churning
crazily and frantically
and not leaving me alone
i am the one steering but i need a navigator
i need a lighthouse for a destination
i need a better sense of eight directions
i need to catch the wind in my sails if i want to swim away
i have a bad reputation
at least i can say i’m not afraid to drop everything and vanish
in the waves
in the warmth of summer
how can i be forgotten when everybody knows my name?

but after all
i belong to u
i’d give everything i have and i don’t have much to be with u
i want u to know
i did an unexpected one hundred eighty turn some time ago
i dyed my hair black in protest against what kept me submissive to my men
i hijacked a fancy boat and i took the wheel i’ve always dreamed to steer
and there i am
it’s a ****** that u can’t be here
i sent u a letter
did u open it?

did u feel my desperation on ur face like a gust of wind?
do u know u are the boat keeping me from drowning in this sea?
the present memory
the mirrored image of me in my true nature

captain
i’m condemned to sail for eternity
i’m afraid of what’s lurking in these waters and it’s killing me
protect me
people tell me i’ve come far but never ask if i ever wanted it
and they think i’m strong
but i’m nothing more than a waning flame in the open wind when i’m alone
i need my king
i’m thirsty for safety
i desire peace
two kings make a perfect kingdom so come to me and join me
and show me the way
teach me when to stay silent and when i can’t what to say
when to move and when to stop and where to go and what to avoid
i’m a realist
and i won’t make it on my own
i won’t cross this sea by myself
it’s giant but not as big as my love and that’s the last bit of hope i have

i belong to the beach
to the music
to someone i love
i have a purpose now and it’s the most valuable thing i’ve got

i have love
i have it
i love u
king of my heart

… is who I turn to when the Toyotas and Mercedeses of the city hum too loudly for me to mute by pillow
The clock says 3 a.m.
I left my window open
But this isn’t Primrose Hill and the last man I met didn’t disappoint me.

I’m riding down the highway
Like I did with you my love
Hands together on the freeway
To Los Feliz Boulevard
To Mount Lee Drive and beyond
Night is lit with fireworks
Sun’s sinking behind the coast
I chose you cause I love you the most

I never had
expensive dinners in tuxedos and lavender scented candles
that’s one thing I’ll never have.
I never had
movie theater nights when they play stupid romantics
another thing I’ll never have.

Instead I watched cars riding down overpasses in La La Land’s hills
Bunch of Floridas and one Oklahoma
Two New Mexicos and up to Iowa
And I never realized how big of a dream it was for me to drive
for the rawness on my hips
and your hands up on the wheel.
But I watched cars hustling down the highways in the land of dreams
I saw one from Indiana
Wisconsin and Minnesota
And I thought I won’t die happy ‘till you drive me to those states
for the grin wide on your face
and the heat of your embrace

Highway 110 in Westmond
The palms were beautiful
Finale of aviation
Your eyes were beautiful

LA is where I fly to in my sleep if the tides and moon are benevolent to me
But when I wake up I don’t feel sad
I don’t think how I’m a continent over
I’ll think of how I landed there, it’s your hand I was holding
and tears of joy that were rolling down my face
cause happiness was frothing over me from both ends.

We were driving down to Solvang
Was so hot I cracked a beer
By an open pool in Rosemead
Tryna savor breathing here
And the Hollywood Sign glistened
In the flaring sun’s rays falling
Out of every guy that’s held me
You’re the one I loved the most

Cause down on Vine I watched the stars
None of them as bright as you
Constellations in your green eyes
Make me gravitate to you
We ate at Mel’s where all the stars had
None of them compare to you
And when I ride, I do unfastened
Instead I wrap my arms ‘round you

And so I spent July tearing around LA County’s weaving streets
Out of Yucca Corridor to Alhambra
Rodeo Drive to North Gardena
And I thought that cityscape was where I’ve flown every night
and there I was dreaming my life.
I’ve ridden down the streets that lay beneath Mount Lee
Toluca Lake and Monterey Park
Atlantic Square and Midwick Tract
And all those places and all their faces are what I dream of every night
For the rest of my life

See L.A. why?
For the rest of my time
Laugh instead of cry
For the rest of my life

Hot or gray
I’m dreaming my life away.
I’m in LA
Whether it’s night or day.

Hot or gray
I’m dreaming my life away
I’m dreaming my life away
I’m dreaming my life away
I’m dreaming my life in LA

drive me to nevada,
all the way to las vegas,
we could go gambling in the local casinos or ride the high roller,
or get f**d up,
then drive me to california,
we’ll take a walk across venice,
and take a ride on a starline tours bus,
we’ll be hitchhiking through the west coast,
we could fly,
we could die,
we are young freaks, baby,
the world belongs to us.

Pick me up from the gardens,
I’m sweet enough,
and ready to become wine,

I left my soul in California,
I grew up overnight for my gardener,
in wait for a better life,

turn me into wine,
Laurel Canyon psychedelic life bored me,
so I went out on the PCH,

I did it all for you gardener,

I did it for us,

it’s hard to change overnight,
enter a room filled with light,
goodbye ultraviolet,
now I can be found mainly outside,

this story was supposed to be chaotic,
but I changed overnight,
it was hard but I succeeded,

I grew on dry soil,
but my fruits are upper class,

everything is possible,
I did it - I believed it,

now expect from me:

a box sent all the way from Arizona,
dose of sweetness without cover,
just enough for all my lovers.

My soul's an origami
But I love you with every beat
My head's like a ballroom
At Fairmont, 950 Mason Street

My love's a tsunami
I thrive off 36,6's heat
Don't push me away
Nor forget our Fresno trip

Lemme love the **** outta you
Give my shadow a friend
Put my heart on the mend
And I ain't saying that so you can drive me in your car
Nor am I saying it so you can take me out to dine
I'll love the **** outta your insecurities
Please love the **** outta mine!

I’m an outsider
I come from the hot tropical zone where I was written into existence by the restless hands of a misunderstood writer.
I have one main fault that’s been keeping me far from Paradise
Far from You
and it’s high time I started listening out for directions from You.

Let me taste Your rivers, Paradise
Let me wash my hands in the glimmer of Your eyes
Cleanse me from my past
And nowness that I despise
so that I can turn into an inhabitant of Yours, a native, a real one
and I can be happy with my life beside You, regardless of everything.

Let me breathe in Your air, Paradise
The land where I come from is polluted and I couldn’t breathe there.
It was toxic air,
fires running inland.
In and out of my lungs in an endless cycle of detriment.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
It’s taken much from me and I come empty-handed with my eyes pointed downcast as I stand in front of You.
I’m so small compared to You, but I need You in every way, please be mine, please let me be Yours.
I beg You to let me enter Your gardens that thrive lush all the time - I beg You to let me grow.
Let me sink into Your fertile earth
for a minute to free my mind
and to learn the taste of heaven.
Plant my roots in Your soil and build a perfect life.
You’re like water and my lips are dry,
can I be an inhabitant of Yours?

I have nowhere else to go if I’m once again exiled
We both know it
And we both know there’s no highlighted path leading to Your gates, as to not let newcomers bang on Your iron fence;
You have to go through hell to see heaven and to pass.

Los Angeles?
on fire

New York?
crowded

I don’t know where to go, but I know for a fact that I can’t stay here - it’s not where I should be.
I feel a million eerie eyes following me and there’s no privacy:
Cameras fixed into park trees
Chemicals flying through my nostrils
and the government is trying to Frankenstein me by propaganda
but I don’t buy it - I’d be stupid if I did.

Which way should I head?
Which corner should I hide in?
Which hotline should I dial other than the hotline for unfulfilled dreamers stuck in a daydream?
If there was such thing, I’d be a full-time caller even though I have quite much, now that I think of it:
  I have a home!
  I have the best lover in the world!
But I’m missing something resting in the back of my head, that I can’t make out, as if through a fog.
It’s like hell down here sometimes, when the summer is at peak
when the sun reaches its zenith, climbing like a vine
       on olive trees

Let me daydream underneath Your freely swaying palm trees that have been growing here decades before me
Let me have one more thing in common with them other than standing there aimlessly and succumbing to the sun.
I’m asking for You - just You, Paradise.
Can I rent a single room in the back of Your grand vicinity and walk quietly to the bar at night by the pond with the lily pads?
No alcohol drinks - I abstain - no loud parties - none of that.
Only bedtime stories with the dim light of the tall lamp by my unmade bed, and the large window opened wide, so I can delightfully breathe You in from my nose to my heart.
Can I plant a few more roses where Your gardens lack pure life?

I don’t want to feel like a burden to You,
and that I’m undeserving, I’m aware, but consider my request, I beg.
Let me be a part of You
tomorrow or later, or never if You wish, I’ll understand that too.
But if You open Your iron gates for me
I’ll walk in and I promise I will blend in
  plant a rose or two
    water your roots
      I hope You understand.

          Forever Yours

All my life I strived to be different.
Ever since I took my first breath I've considered myself an artist and may I feel that way until my last.

As a kid I carried my painting kit everywhere and I'd sit and reshape reality into something artistic.
Something that was mine
and nobody else's.
I dipped my paintbrush in a cup of water, tryna not mix the wrong shades
but I did eventually
and thought it wasn't resplendent, the road I once painted, it brought me here.

I love my life
but I've always known I deserved better than that.

The passers-by didn't love me.
I was an outsider in each town where I tried to settle down.
I was no local
I was no resplendent god
I was a ghost in high school, I lived so close but I was no ******* local still (???)

And so I freed a lexical avalanche instead of screaming
God I hate to scream.
My art makes me glad of the pathway I've chosen
and the people I've turned into
I'm glad I'm not anymore.

although
Somehow somewhere I heft this longing
of clasping chain link fences and pulling over by highway drive through coffee shops
The longing for chasing sunsets and dancing in the rain
opening the lid of my miniature treasure chest and putting on my lucky charm...

How do I make this life real?
not a painting or a poem...

                        ???                             ­    ???
       ???                                   ???

???                               ???
                  ???                                  ???
  ­                
I guess I'm gonna have to write

I don’t want money and I don’t want fame
infamy is enough
and his touch like a water drop on my wilting flower

I could just play house with him
why go to work
when we can lie and swing
in the balcony
light shining over me
let you undress me
it’s what you do best with me

I haven’t had the will to talk lately
the rambunctiousness in me has gone dry
like a wilting flower
watching us kiss against the mirror
you telling me we’re gonna break it
and I just had my 7 years of bad luck
so I don’t care

you take me down the elevator
to buy nachos and two coke bottles
just to empty them over woke shows and cuddles
I wanna be jumping into puddles
not into conclusions
I wanna fake my death and start over
in Rosemead where I’ll be having said I made it
smile and roll over

I hate when things get complicated
I hate when I feel so alone that your touch feels like a daydream
like a shadow
just imaginary
like you’re farther than you actually are and I’ve been lying to myself
to keep me happy
but I’m not happy when I’m without you
I don’t wanna do anything except kiss your lips and sleep at night with you
that’s honestly the only thing I have the will to do
but it’s not like I’m dead inside
just a little dry
like a wilting flower

even when you pilot
you disregard the storm clouds ahead,
like if my navigation was enough
for our circumnavigation to work out properly,

and even when you pilot
we keep all of our maps fold,
like our compasses out of sight,
is it because no manmade object has an ability
to mess with that powerful force called ‘love’?
and isn’t it strange we don’t care
everyone’s saying we don’t deserve what we’re getting,
even though we both know they are absolutely right?
we live our lives like dreams,
adventure video games,
we’re born dreamers wearing fancy sunglasses
which allow us to perceive the world in a different filter
than anyone else,
we spend our days cruising aimlessly,
leaving clutter behind and writing stories,
living metaphorically in a world of ataraxia,

even when you pilot,
we disregard the vicious reality,
how?
we invented our own and painted it yellow and blue,
we ditched the universal way of thinking
and now we fly like sparrows made of steel,
we merrily punch nimbi,
catch cyclones into jars,
live metaphorical lives,
watching the obstacles that made the others surrender
abate on the ground,

we live our lives like dreams,
born dreamers,
born artists,
in a world of absolute distortion and dual existence,
in which toxic water and crystal clear water meet
but never blend into each other,
and only we know about this,
because only we have access to our minds and our rose gardens,
we travel above lavender fields,
oceans both raging and calm,
we do nothing in particular,
just writing an epic story,
it’s an ooze - a beautiful ooze,

though it was never our job to care about tomorrow or the past,
and now it’s finally the clearest it can get,
so set another sail,
let’s circumnavigate,
though it’s a brand new day.

Call me cute if you wanna
but just so you know you won’t be the first one.

Call me hot if you wanna
but just so you know someone already has.

But if you call me yours
and I extrapolate the right idea
that maybe I deserve to have my turn
it’ll enunciate to me the answer.

Mind-******* feels good
but have you ever been called lovable?

Nothing much to say,
time flows at its fastest pace,
when I love you hard.

One time I felt like I was ice skating on Lake Michigan in a blizzard.
I lost the shoreline forever.
And the grip of fear.
I was out of place like a 14 year old listening to Hejira.
I still feel so in a way.
No gazing at my rear.
I got laid in my hometown and I sneer at my childhood friends like I never loved them.
I’ve been different 20 people since my birth and I feel like I’ve found the one that suits me best.
Like a fuzzy coat in winter, taking meds, healing slowly, **** my ex, I’m skating on Lake Michigan, baggage back in Madison, far from wifi, farther from home, I feel nothing but nipping from the frigidity and tight embrace of freedom.
I skate on into the blizzard and I haven’t seen a winter so winter-like since I rode on a sleigh pulled by my uncle’s car ‘round my beloved apartment complex.
All I see is white.
Like a fresh page of life.
You sow nothing, you get nothing.
Find no weevils in your garden, sweet fruit either.
That’s why I’m leaving y’all to concentrate on what I want and I skate into the nothingness of Lake Michigan, where only frostbite’s capable of breaking my heart.
It’s just a rest stop though.
I’ve yet to rise in love.
I’ll have my pasta date in Paris someday.
I’ll regret wasting my first real kiss with a hookup, I just didn’t wanna die a ******, so I squandered something artificial, boo-*******-hoo, life’s a travelog, put my fuckboys’ names in a catalog, remember what they gave me.
So let me swirl around, draw curvy lines, interlacing hearts.
Privately pretty.
Let me daydream of the day when I feel pretty as to get me some, when I dive into his ***** arms, wrap them round me like a shawl I’ve never worn, but feel like home.
I’m skating on Lake Michigan, left my heart in Madison, en route to Manhattan.
And I’m on the mending route of heart.

The fool has wandered into the woods.
The magician’s wand ain’t been in use.
The high priestess lights the way ahead.
The empress ebbs life into my head.
The emperor whets his iron sword.
The hierophant always shares his word.
The lovers fit like a lock and key.
The chariot drives me across the sea.
Strength moves my tongue as I disaccord.
The hermit’s a friend in someone’s void.
Wheel of fortune blesses and befalls.
Justice always tends to my ego.
The hanged man sees art in sacrifice.
Death must happen to create new life.
Temperance is torn when doubt takes part.
The devil sits on my face at dark.
The tower’s shadow swallows up mine.
The star whispers the lost to align.
The moon’s forest is where I sally.
The sun illuminates the valley.
The judgement stares deep into my soul.
The world I’ll live in I’ve seen before.

stage one
your hand fits perfectly in mine
hotter than july long lasting in my mind
thriving vitally with time
ivy
Marine alleyway
from the wooden bridge all the way till the bay
your eyes deep don’t keep
nothing key to say
joyful and young
In love with what I am
standing atop the immense ashes
of the maritime botanical terraces
the same place
where you held your wife’s hand in the lookout for an event
I was in present
and in present I’ll stay.

Aquamarine swimming costumes don’t make me blend in enough.
Pearls poked through and imprisoned with a string hanging about.
Just want to kiss you on the bridge.
Bend you backwards over the railing as we do.
Stare at the blue lights in the swimming pool.
Most of all be with you.
I opened like a pearl from the ocean depths.
But I think I’m closing up again.

Wonder what you think of me.
If you said you needed me right now, I’d break my back to be there.

I often contemplate how you perceive me.
And if I were a magician, still wouldn’t read your mind.
Let the truth be hidden.

But don’t you think I’m marrying you for the money, boy.
It’s not true.
Don’t let my attitude fool you.
I’m not mean, just defensive.
And I think I’m closing up again.

I remember when I was 16
I was my only God
Burning brightly at both ends
heart still on the mend
vaping cherry in the parking lot
with bff's.

Hurts to think I didn't cherish that enough.
But what can I say other than
I was 16 and I was my only God.

Try to keep it 100.
Try to stay this hot.
Try to get that 1000.
Try to be on top.

I rode a ferris wheel amidst a thunderstorm - I wasn't afraid of anything. I worked a day shift with the streets on fire.
Sunburns didn't matter - I was a **** wildfire.
I miss middle school, just cause I was young and man I was shining, stars scattered wherever I went and people I looked up to applauded me for being the man.
I was 15 and they treated me like a god.

But when the night fell I failed to summon light
I asked for matches but nobody was kind
I went to high school
and I hated my life
But finally I've realized there's more good days left in my life.

I was at peak in 2019
that hot I can't combust
But if I'm in need for matches, I learned to ask God.

I met someone at 18
who showed me a different point of view on life
And I thought to myself
that maybe I need faith
that maybe I can feel that way
again.

I sat down on the ledge after it got dark,
in my head only thoughts about my fresh start,
it got ultra bright,
I became a star,
and the unclear became clear once and for all,

I’m like a stained diamond,
I’m a medley of numerous colors,
mainly dark and light but they contrast well together,
they create me
24/7,

I exist in two separate and opposite dimensions,
one is happily blooming while the other one is haunted by eternal rains,
I found peace in being myself,
I’m variegated like a rare sea stone,
and most importantly I’ve learned to live with it casually day by day,

and every day is new,
the weather is changing with my inner climate change,
the ice melts and the sun gains power,
but why would I see faults in this occurrence, when I can cherish it,

not everyone perceives life in two filters at once,
I should be happy to be me they say,

and guess what - I am!

Meet me at the boulevard
or the local bar,
there’s something I forgot to tell you,

you act like a kid,
and I’m supposed to be the adult,
you walk the opposite way,
like a kid,
I know we’re young and free,
but I can’t seem to pull you with me further,

you want to stay in your town,
like a bronze statue - still,
you disregarded the rules before they’ve been set,
traveling with the wind
and disappearing in light,
I see you through yet can’t move past you,

like a rock,
like a barrier,
you act like a kid,
I act like an adult,
so why can’t I move past you?

I wouldn’t call myself beautiful at night, moonshot.
I learned to keep my head up, but it’s still a long shot.
What I portrayed was only a version,
a diversion from what lay behind the veil.
It rained stars,
around my head.
Now I love me,
big thanks.

I thought the man I had eyes for couldn’t love me back cause I wasn’t beautiful.
But I changed my hair.
My glasses too.
Lost forty pounds.
Grew confidence too.
But I didn’t return to his doorstep to beg for acceptance again.
I know one thing.
I deserve better.
Than someone like him.
For what it’s worth, ******* for the heartbreak but thank you for making me
beautiful.

The sweet are the danger, you can’t always see the spikes on roses blooming.
But what you can do is choose happy over doubtful, it’s a gift to know how to.
Being trapped in a body you hate, it’s a misery that only you have the power to eliminate.
It’s a weird thing for me to say, but I only learned to love me having hated me.

Now I call myself worthy at day, sunshine.
I manage to absorb the bright, starlight.
Next step is finding someone capable of holding me together.
And making me believe I’m beautiful when I’m all kinds of ****** up.
Not just on my best days.

Exquisite perihelion
foreshadowing the perfect arrangement
for my destiny
Those thoughts float and travel inside your chameleon mind complexly raveled
quiet hideout under gravel
soil so fertile in blooming mind a reborn human reigning for life.
No foreign content to seek
as your mind wanders deep
along beaches gold when lit no worthier task is equivalent to me
or in your kitchen
in summer morning with windows opened
accessed the sublime state of gazing mind forward into skies of vermillion
smell of cinnamon.

To leave no flaring questions unanswered yet spoken
in ordinarity the word power is hidden
enveloped and
with a red stamp attached

With a good reason stated
confirmed but not openly expressed therefore expected
to be publicly inverted
two miles deeper than silence like dust that has gathered
on chandeliers
true gold and crystals of
Some unknown matter
resistant to shatter
Condensed like gravel
And raveled
like an oddly minded chameleon
Lifelong goal
To answer questions
smell of cinnamon.

Do things
u wanna do
Meant not for judgement and hidden from view
Displayed on islands
like Malibu
after all you stay loyal to your paramount value
not fearing the blue
or the revenant

Aiming for the skies’ ceiling
and hoping they’d fall down

Uprose from the deep like Rose and her sins
moved downhill
In the language of mine I think I’m closer to thee
when it dims down slowly
I become my own oeuvre craved by timeless hands native
A prerogative
which empowered me to seek sense deep down into the way
I live

Nurturing vigorously my petrified heart on the wild
thaw on the outskirts of true love
One in a billion shielded with a dome of lovers
Moon kind
Moon lover
I missed the big chance to adjust another
I do all I love
and hide in the dark
To truly thrive
I’m the only moon’s child.

I left my phone in the cabin
went out with nothing.
I took the road never traveled
it was quite something.
I got a favorite tree that leans into the road
and as I caressed its branch wet after a storm
it sprinkled down onto the moss bed made down below.
I couldn’t help but to tread on.
It was soft under my shoes and I sunk in it like quicksand
I wanted to listen to blues and let the moment breathe deeply
what a calamity it was that I had to say goodbye to my favorite tree.
And what a shame I didn’t get to lie down to sleep on the moss.
Someday I’ll do that though.

I was in the Hollywood Hills somewhere.
And baby I was feeling peaceful there.
Sitting in the back of a Starline car.
Drive wasn’t long, didn’t take me far.
I don’t really care now,
under the same sky with supernovas.
Been to hell and heaven now,
feeling alive since I got over.

Mount Lee.
Everything.
Everybody.
Red, yellow and pink.
Stan Lee.
Never seen.
But I believed.
Angels visit Earth frequently.
Sipping sangrias, driving Bentley.
Venice ***** on repeat it’s my way to get over everything, anything.
I’m drinking.

I met someone down at the Walk of Fame.
Hurt for too long, was it worth the wait?
Soon I’m packing up, leaving this city.
Thinking about her cause really she saved me.
I saw the sky turn dark blue.
Scared thinking I wasn’t honest.
Eclipse that later ensued.
Made me get over time another.

Peg, pick up the phone.
I’m not quoting you this time.
Peg, I’m home alone.
Falling off the edge of crying.
I failed, yes.
But I made me a life worth living.
I survived worse things and I’m still here.
I’m still not gone and I’m still here.

Mount Lee.
Dollar bills.
******.
Hard rain, rough wind.
Chun-Li.
Memories.
Things I’ve never seen.
Demons visit Earth frequently.
Emptying JD, driving Lambs and ****.
Hellfire’s on repeat it’s my way to get over everything, anything.
I’m still here.

A colorful life,
something I’ve never known before,
only the shades of blue,
which can get repetitive after a while,
but one day I found you,
and you painted me wholly in yellow,
like the rising sun is
between palm trees in Montana Ave,
Santa Monica sunrise,

you’ve done so many things sweetie,

you replaced the wallpaper on my soul’s walls with a new one,
turning the landscape behind my window into an oil painting,
it’s because of you N.,
you brought new hues into my boring world,

and you know what?

I was wondering lately how would I look like if I were a painting done by you,
I’d probably be writing poetry on my sunbed,
and in the distance there would be the sun going to bed,
but I wouldn’t be gone by moonlight,
I’d maybe bathe in the cool water after dark,
so many places where I would possibly be,
and all those things I would do,

and it all thanks to you.

I don’t gotta go to Sacramento County to say I’ve slept in your embrace
San Francisco’s the farthest I got
and that was enough for me to realize that I love you.

My heart is a Motel 6
and in my hands I hold a keychain
to the room number 13
and to lend I charge no fee

You don’t gotta go God knows where to say you’ve slept in my embrace
just choose me outta other hotels strewn along the 99th hwy
or just stay where you are and I’ll come to you in a song or poem.
Cause love is magical and we’re stuck in that one doorway
leading to sequoias.
Cause there’s plenty of room in my heart - I wish to let you in
and the high and paranoia.

But when you need four walls to guard your heart, I’ve sent you my address
Just hit me up
and I’ll find a room.
Drive up my arms with your fingertips
and go up straight south of Tulare County.

I wear an engagement ring on my left hand and not to figure out what it feels like to be married.
It belonged to someone dead or alive or nobody.
I wear your jeans jacket to feel not just warmer but closer to you
I crave something physical
more than sexting when time slows down
but feeling what you felt
breathing the same air
and hearing the sound of your voice in the morning, when I have more than calling
sexting
“boring”
I wanna be yours forever.

I don’t wanna get anxious when I see you calling
“Pick up, idiot”
“I’m sorry”
But I’m cute or at least that’s what they say
I listened to “Diamonds And Rust” earlier today
And I thought of the rust on my ring and then it made me think
that our love can withstand corrosion
heavy rain
erosion
So I kinda wear it to sleep now..

maybe i said ‘i love you’ too soon,
well, now that you’re gone
i guess i can say it once again:
‘i love you,
for the fun of it’.

Won’t namedrop but I knew someone, if you know you know.
No teardrops but I thought that I found a matching soul.
Foolish of me, ******* love me when I’m in my prime.
Gonna keep them nameless, you ain’t worth of my time.
I’m speaking hella sharp, but I’ve been cutting ******* off.
I’ve been hanging with the stars, looking down at them from above.
You’re either with me or against me, either **** me or respect me, won’t exploit me for your own gain, won’t deliver any more pain.
That’s what I’m saying.
There’s more fakes out there than you know.
Not namedropping any though.

I only keep up with my x’s to see the progress I’ve made.
Wish I’d thought of all the x’s on the list of things I hate.
I was desperate and had nothing, you were greedy and forced-laughing.
One thing I could never respect is stirring thoughts inside my head.
And I get I’m not your type and I get your friends are cooler.
Understand I’m not a nine, don’t rain money at the jeweler.
Don’t follow your buddies’ insta, you ain’t even on my finsta.
Finna unfollow you instantly, you don’t double tap my pics now.
And don’t call if you gon’ cancel, amped me up and why was that?
Then you asking me for Franklins like I owe you anything.
I’ve seen hints and indications, that you weren’t genuine.
I just wish I trusted my gut when you dropped out on me and ghosted.
Right before my prom, should’ve spoke over that graveyard silence.
What the **** was wrong with me to let that go like nothing happened?
Oh, I know.
I had nobody else.
Least I’m not hypocritical, I offed whoever bugged me on.
Killed them with a swoop of success, brought the scissors out, cutoff.
Wonder why I’m so proud now and the answer’s clear as day.
You would too if you evolved from prey to bird of prey.
If you gon talk about me, know I didn’t have to be your frenemy.
Actually scratch that, the act is off, I’ll proudly be your enemy.
You just wanted the gleam and the glory that I had to give.
Just so you know I almost called off a whole affair for it.
See, I’m not a faker, least I admit I wanted you like that.
Many years now, I still hope somebody does you just like that.
I still don’t wish you dead, your downfall’s not what’s in my mind.
I learn from self-inflicted wounds and don’t make that mistake twice.
Won’t namedrop, it applies to more than one.
No-named hoes, I feel my worthiness now.
I lost my Madison card now, pay deserved hostility back, dropped the invisibility act, I did all you said I couldn’t.
Rubbed it in your face like snow, envy’s stinging ***? You blew it.
I could have a boyfriend but I’m good and I will find tranquility in reproving.
Reflecting about them got me irresolute and so I’m calling your BS for improving.

******* want what you have, so I make what I have known.
******* take what you offer, in exchange they give you none.
Real ****, I turn the valve off, whatever we had is gone.
You ain’t getting any of me, not even the low and worst.
Won’t namedrop, but it’s all I’ve ever truly known.
Would namedrop, but that’s against my point.
Won’t call out, can’t win once the die are thrown.
We fell out out of place, cause you pushy like dominoes.
True story, ******* only loved me when I brought them pride by association.
Long story short, only acknowledged me upon receiving shared congratulations.
So I turned my back and ******* scattered disinterested in all directions.
I’d rather look for true bonds than relish false and forced appreciation.
And I ain’t feel the need to hear them say it for finalization.
If I said I hate you for that **** that’d be an exaggeration.
Grudge’s an understatement, I could argue but want no continuation.
One day you’ll perch in the shadow I cast and have your realization.
I heard unforgiveness is unhealthy, but since I found respect for me, I’ve been feeling myself.
You’ve got every right to hate me, sure as **** you won’t exploit me, you’d be playing yourself.
It’s these no-names that reinforced my insecure soul.
You gotta lose something to be grateful for your all.
You gotta have nothing to fearlessly give your all.
And as cliché as it is, every heartbreak makes you flyer.
Every stabbing gives you scars and the scars they give you power.
I take pride in my journey to a menace from a coward.
What I lost was never mine and what is truly mine will find me.
I could wait my whole life for it, nobody’s ***** just to feel happy.

Beguile me like bioluminescence.
I love you, doe-eyed siren, take all my money.
My friends envy caused them virescence.
They’re too casual to see my summer tan.
But he’s just my type.
But he’s what I like.
I hear assurances of love twice as much.
Like a werwolf, come night I am a ****.
But he doesn’t cry on my shoulder ever.
I only trash my curse of obsolescence.
But he’s so attractive.
He’s exactly what I want.
But before I throw it in the fire.
Let me get my summer tan on.

some time ago i thought i could write one last poem about you,
but why would i waste time on you,
if i have better things to write about,
like the door to a new world, that i opened recently.

New track,
new car,
I switch them like lovers and can’t find the one which satisfies me,
less obstacles could mean lesser danger but I go and never think,

new track,
new love,
I contain two secret poets living deep inside me,
changes only force me to collapse which denies my great density,
I don’t fall apart,
not anymore,

or at least not as much as I was doing some years ago,
the aircraft landed,
tanked,
and flew to space,

new track,
new expression,
I fix myself every day progressively,

I came in hotly like Dorian,
I’ll leave like John Wayne.

one man in a hundred is beautiful
one in a thousand is kind
one in a million could be mine
but the stars, they don’t always align
it’s an astral lottery.

my middle school crush was straight
my high school crush was a cult leader
my college crush was a loser
and each was stronger than the other.

my first “boyfriend” made it hard to love him
my second never told me everything
my third I left cause he took more than gave
and my fourth is still somehow holding on
but it’s not like you think.

but the stars don’t always align
why won’t a man like you, Adrian, bump into me and help me pick my things up
it’s these miracles you read about that make you question
do I even deserve this
am I good enough to win in this
astral lottery.

The rains left,
I left
you in North Carolina,

I recall my debutant days from three years ago,
the dew on the tall grass,
the primordial architecture which bloomed into a real empire,

nothing expired,
we are older,
better,
and never the same,

as soon as I return home I’ll set sail to The Neighboring Island,
from the absent dock just yet,
off my old home,

I will redo everything it takes
to recover you from the abandoned script,
I went too far,
literally, baby, too far,

and I went even further when it comes to moving away from you,
past the thriving all year long tropical zone,

I moved to the second island,
then I left with the rains,

but I heard they’ve returned,
so have I,

in North Carolina, where all life was born,
not forgetting the better try,
which I took in the legit way,
intended,

no timer,
we’re set free.

i will let the waves move me,
like a letter in a bottle,
dedicated to a proper person,
waiting in the destined land,

i will float towards someone,
like an odd papyrus scroll,
someone who can decipher
the writings on my soul,

and push me past the horizon.

The monotony
in me facing the border,
genius wish of stars.

Not moving forever is pretty boring,
so I left the dock,
on my new boat,
I went off to the unknown,

I woke up in the middle of the night and it was also the middle of the summer,
I thought about how many lies I’ve cooked up to make me a stable passage,
then I went out on the balcony,
and gazed into the vastest lake,
and the pinnacle inverted by nature,

and in that moment I thought about that time I gave up right by the summit,
how I said ‘**** it’ and hit your name in my contacts book,
and stared at the calling screen,
and told you to get me back home,
which you did later,

I got back inside and made me some tea in which I saw my reflection,
then the clock struck 2am,
and I thought about that night when I was obsessed with you like crazy,
and how it turned the signs on all the roads by 180 degrees,
all trains derailed,
all communication was lost with the outside world like in a catastrophic movie,
the cinematic slideshow finished,
I got back to bed,

and then in my dream I saw myself reaching the summit which I gave up on,
I climbed it,
left a flag,
and floated towards the clouds like a cleansed angel who has fallen for a reason,
hopefully karma did its thing,
and now I can start like new,

after the day I do all of this in real life,
that’s on my to-do list.

If that was you Camden I want to know why you came back to me after 4 years.
Your face looked familiar.
But the girl and guy from the polaroid were just there to fill the space.
We could’ve been together.
You could’ve taken me home to the state you grew up in.
Smoke something funny on the stoop.
Call your buddies over to hang out at dark.
I almost said hi when I saw you standing aimlessly by the main entrance of that fateful institution.
But I let my fears win.
I remember your IG handle but that was too much for me to handle to write you a message.
I didn’t wanna end up with you thinking I’m an idiot.
But you could’ve cause there’s men in this world who think that.
And I don’t care what they think of me.
But you said some things to me when we were on that green hill just before we split.
You could’ve talked to the actors but you chose me out of everyone there.
I know it was you.
You changed your IG handle so I can’t find you anymore, but I know your face.
And I wonder if you ever caught me looking.
If you ever knew my true intentions.
Now you’re just another American man who I could’ve made happy.
But you were just like the rest of them.
And I was broken.
Forever.

When I noticed you side-eyeing me smack dab in the middle of the square
I figured either you were just into me or that was a look of judgement
I didn’t get near
I remember what I sacrificed
Last man I liked I mistakenly tried to earn him and look what it got me
He’s nobody
My caricature
And he brings out the cold ***** in me
But the boy I saw at the pride parade
He was like me I could swear it on my life
He was with a group of friends alike
I was alone and feared that type
But he was so pretty I could wear his shirt after he wore it
Mend his heart after they tore it
I could change his life
Turn it into paradise
But I failed so many times
Say I did say hi
I did like you I…
You say I too
I look into your eye
Like I own this life
Fearlessly take you out on a sushi date or something
I know one thing
I’m the best you’ll ever have
But I can’t promise you’ll appreciate it
My last didn’t, his loss, he wasted it
But who is he when I have you
Across from me
Alive and true
We laugh at nothing
We want just one thing
Get to know you
Explain my emotional scars
Tell you about my music
Heartbeat of my heart
I follow your lead to your place
Netflix ta-dum, I’m on your lips
They taste like dragonfruit
Get drunk I would if I could
We keep at it and it’s getting late
I take your clothes off
Throw them aside
Dimming the light
Make love all night
Fall in love like they never did
Don’t care what they say to it
Be happy it worked out for us
Lucky this time
This could’ve been real had I not been so broken and said hi.

The knife you cut me with
You hold it with pride
But you don’t know how it feels to be proud.
You would still hurt me if you knew
how painful violence is.
You’d slit my throat if you knew you’d get away with it.

Don’t cry, it’s alright.

I hide the pain so well you keep taking more and more.
You don’t have the satisfaction of poking through my soul.
You wouldn’t know the pain.
Cause you know only bliss.
You never held hands and got called out at the streets.

Don’t cry, it’s alright.

I’m proud that I’m still standing.
Tougher on the surface but inside there’s still emotion.
Your devotion to break me penetrates through.
But I’m over listening.
Taking it into my heart.
You may think I’m going to hide
But I’m walking away with pride.

art is made to store feelings, so they get covered in snow and uncovered again by the sun rays.

to my great surprise
the world seems so beautiful
when it’s crashing down

7 colors ricochet off of me like a windshield
I'm opaque but I embody them all.
I have dreams
colorful dreams that seem too good to be true
but life without dreaming is not worth living for.
And of course, I have you, my love
You, who I return home for and who I think of when I'm away, cause thinking of anything other than true love is not worth thinking of.

And alas - there's the outside world
that stretches out from behind our dome we thrive under
Our home.
To sound more dramatic - our only home.

You see, you can't build a dominant civilization like Babylon on quicksand - the heavier your bricks are, the faster they'll sink in there.
What the world is lacking right now is a magical touch of a rainbow's end.
And as long as you let the chromatic river run majestically through your barren land
vibrant events are certain to happen - it makes absolute sense.

7 colors make my soul

Red like lipstick
like the sky is over lively beaches on balmy summer evenings where locals gather to watch the sunset.
Red like strawberries on gingham blankets.
And I cherish moments like these
nothing I have to do. Nowhere I have to be now.
No. Just the red sky to photograph and to post to Instagram.

Orange like caramel
like that one latte I used to buy on my way back from work.
It reminded me of someone I thought I loved.
And when I tasted it with delight I thought that was what your kiss must have tasted like
Sweet and expensive.
Turned out I was looking for love in the wrong coffee cups.
I watched skies roll forth and clouds hold hands
I've always been the sweet type
I found the correct cup
in the end.

Yellow like dandelions in spring, when me and my baby first met.
As a child I enjoyed blowing them, making my very own tiny blizzard of seeds on light wind.
And I miss my early days when all I had to do was run around and play and say good morning to neighbors in my beloved apartment complex.
Argue with friends over Halloween candy and video games or which type of prank phone call should we do next.
The world we knew was beautiful - but it was oblivion.
And a little oblivion never hurt no one.
To this day, just like yellow flowers I come to life in spring.

Green like nature
symbolizing the undying goodness in me.
As a Sagittarius - I possess a soft heart offering room for souls seeking solace in cold streets.
It's just written in my nature.
And your nature is something that you can't reshape.
I look for a place where all my traits are nothing like madness
nothing out of this world - nothing not humanlike.
I deserve love - like everyone else on Earth.
And freedom with equality - that's why I keep supporting BLM and LGBT - because my nature sprouts vivid and green and after all I believe in the goodness within a person.

Blue like the Pacific
like cloudless skies stained with chemtrails
Blue like the Baltic Sea humming the same old soothing melody as I arrive on the pier
I come here for no reason - I do it for free.
I don't imagine a life without traveling to the sea and then making my way down the wooden steps leading to the beach and feeling the grains of sand under my feet.
There's things in life that mean so much but cost nothing.

Indigo like evenings in fall
the mythical dream realm which I dive entirely into, hoping for a better tomorrow.
Indigo like the charming mist surrounding me in my decisive hour and leading me on to the right path.
You see, life is actually beyond the abstract grasp of horoscopes and the real magic occurs when you forge who you are in a made-up universe under homemade stars.
And when you remember that nothing happens for a reason.

Violet like amethyst
must be one of the most beautiful crystals to exist.
I collect gems and stones and other fascinating things that I stumbled upon over the years.
I collect memories and turn them into something sweet in case they're bitter
I feel like to be happy is to sweeten what lacks sweet.
Find not just postcards but people, not bystanders but lovers
Make a legacy that you should be proud to show the world.
And to bring what you loved most to eternity.

7 colors make me who I am

And who I am is a hellbent dreamer looking for wonderland, with my mind made up and convictions written with my fingers on moist sand,
that will shortly be erased by the waves
rolling back and forth.
But I still hold them tightly in my mind - and compared to the unfair nature of life and cruelty of individuals, mind is a powerful force.

That's the story
nothing to cross out or add.
7 colors make me
and I couldn't be more proud.

I was lying on the grass dotted by raindrops fallen from the sky.
It was grayish blue and the sun wasn’t there to shine upon me with my head on my blue bag and my legs bent at the knees.
My phone buzzed once or twice, I didn’t look.
I was listening to a singer’s song, so hooked.
It was my last day here at the festival, I was worn out by waiting in lines just to stare into celebrities’ eyes.
I sought a little bit of paradise,
something to remember,
something so ephemeral.
And when I looked up to the sky with my eyes shut tight I felt something just as momentary and small and fragile hitting my forehead gently and gracefully and I felt
cool with having given him a try.
Facing love with raindrops falling from the sky.
I’m so bad, I’m so bad.
But I’m so good at it.
I can’t help but be bad.
It’s a hard habit.
But I’m soft like the clouds, the fluffy ones, not thunderclouds, and I can tell a good guy from a ******* sucker.
It’s just I’m nervous when I smile, I see chairs lined up and I see people cheering for us and I don’t know if I can last a while
in a relationship.
If I want to marry, ever.
I don’t wanna tell my family and go to dinners together at randomly chosen places strewn across the burning desert.
At times like this I look up to the gray-blue sky, try to touch it with my fingertips and I drown my worries out in summer festivals, lay my head on yellow arid grass and I lie
so alive
raindrops falling on me gently from the darkening sky.
I count them, I feel one, two, three, four, five.
That’s five good things that happened to me since I said yes to this one good guy.
Wish he was here beside me.
Where he comes from there’s no rainclouds in the sky.

I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers when he texted me.
The time was a minute forty four on “**** My Kiss”.
He gave me the second best day of my life.
Second after my first night at San Gabriel Blvd.
And also the second cause it didn’t feel unreal.

On and on I’ve hushed my heart and day by day it wept in dark.
My lips felt heavier than metal to raise
to say what my heart wanted
but my head had all the say.
I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers and half a day away
to let my heart scream and yell and shout and say whatever the hell it’s been holding in for two decades.
That was the realest I’ve felt in my life.

I was thinking of letting my heart break a little when he texted me.
I was ready to just let myself run it into madness just to feel something.
I knew it would hurt
but pain is better than nothing.
On and on I’ve told myself to shut up and wait for someone to like me
cause I’m not likable when I’m trying
but I did something crazy
at the moment of writing this - 1:55, I don’t even trust the flow of my life anymore
I look for the catch, cause this is better than I’ve ever had.
Or maybe I’m a little lovesickly paranoid.
I hated to hope, hoped it would get better and I hated that though.
I made God a promise, if he gives, I’ll find the better in me and on and on I’ve watched them walk away, watch them vanish like smoke till one prayer away.
I almost tried to find a way
to find somebody to fill the gap - it was either that or I’d crush my numb heart in my hands, just to feel something, even if it was pain.

I’ve never shown a guy I like him until he texted me on minute 1:44
That number must mean something
like the date of the day that my very soul could see a light in that tunnel
and I think it’s divine providence that I walked through a tunnel that night
the night that my heart felt something other than pain and it was more beautiful than beautiful, it was perfect.
As of writing this poem, a day after the second best day of my life,
I don’t know where I’m going.
And I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I’ve never felt this real.
Here’s a note to future self, I don’t know how things will play out.
But I’m glad you …… .. ….
I’m glad you let him into your heart, even if you didn’t know if he wasn’t going to break it in half.
I don’t know yet if he ….. ...
What I know is I …. ….
I showed him that I …. ….
So future self, intact or not
Just know I’m curious to hear it
I hope you’re happier
I’m happy now
I finally opened up
I’m really proud.

you gifted me red roses,
but they withered to black,
i wasn’t a proper water source
to keep them alive.