Telephone lines above me.
Electric like Elvis’s guitar.
Guns & Roses playing softly.
I’m feeling like a fallen star.

Gas station, LED lights.
I’m a deer in headlights.
Ovation, green lights.
I’m having a panic attack.

I dyed my hair black, do you recall that, baby?
I used to think I’d dye it blonde again when I’m happy or did I wanna dye already?
Red sky, who are they to downgrade me?
I just lied my *** in the grave they dug me.
Slap me upside the head already.
Tell me to be smarter.

Starlets making news by malice.
I’m just idly crossing that turnpike.
Once I was in love, in Paris.
Entranced reasonlessly in my mind.

Hollywood, limelights.
I’m so prone to gaslight.
Only saw me in bad light.
Poked fun at my loneliness.

I sought solace in Mötley Crue, remember, baby?
They were all laughing, jumping rope and I wanted to jump off something high already.
Red sky, who were they to affect me?
I just had to stand for myself, apparently.
Bury me in your arms already.
Tell me I’ll be okay.

We’re hitting the road now, baby, tell me it’ll be okay.
We’re entering the desert now, baby, fifteenth interstate.

Clover.
Yachts.
Vermilion.
Who were they to upset me?

Hoops.
Harleys.
Equinox.
Who were they to decry me?

If I write you a Devil Glitch, will you love me like your next *****?
If I give you some attention, will you ease off all this tension?
If I write you a Devil Glitch, will you love me like your next *****?
If I give you everything, will I get at least some of it back?
Wonder why I’m clingy, wonder why I’m so anxious all the time?
Wonder why I’m so tired, wonder why I don’t trust anyone?
Red sky, who were they to change me?
I just nodded when they used me.
Drive me to Vegas already.
Tell me to be braver.

There’s a guy, let’s call him Anton.
He fell in love with someone he’s never ever seen.
And that guy, he sought the reason.
A guy who won’t hurt you is one you’ll never ever meet.
The guy, he overstayed it at the château.
He’s afraid he’s someone that he will never ever be.
And what he did was find his reason.
Now he aviates asleep like they never ever dreamed.

I’m waking up from my dream.
And it took place in the clouds.
I’m getting nearer.
I got that feeling.
My ETA’s now, never ever been this near.
Bound to an airport, one I’ll never ever leave.

Do they hurt me or is it I that deals the damage?
Am I hurting them out of fear of being hurt first?
Now I’m contemplating over an ocean of clouds.
My eyes shut, letting the winds direct me to the end.

It went like that:

One night I was in a room
Lying on a bed and to myself and he entered like he knew
Reached his hand over to me
I was hellbent
On clamming up and being left be
He insisted I gave him a chance
And one he got
I think I fell in love
But I don’t mind as he won’t break my heart
Cause now he’s gone.
Another night I fell asleep
There was a guy right next to me
Handing me paper scraps, watching me
I said “Speak it aloud, set it free”
He confided in me
Gravitated real close to me
Our souls collided in a kiss
And some white lies to solidify it, the once upon a dream connection
It reappeared, the sound of a lock dropping, it was real, it was heartstopping.
Later came the disconnection.
It felt like waking up from a dream, one I wished I’ll never ever see end.
I’d let him fix my heart but it’s already on the mend.
Question is, what will it give me, knowing when to say when.
This taking off, it’s all I have until I wake up before the flight ends.
The third, he was familiar in a room of familiarity and family function ****
No thought to be over-processed, he was touching me, real tangibly
Laying over me
Gifted me a word of kindness but missed the point entirely
A shot in the dark, a spark in the heart.
I didn’t inspect nearby looks, I just listened on.
And so I hope I see him again in a couple years
I don’t know if I will
What I know is that it ends before it begins.
Like backstage romances and post-show kisses or Singapore hotel love affairs, I dreamed that too.
Patrick’s came too soon into my life to make the fourth switch.
A Judas french kiss, I’ve been over that too.
I don’t dance to his own music, I just like him cause he’s cute.
Another night of many I was over it
Already picturing gas price meters and 7/11s, cigarette smoke and rubbing fingertips
Steady with a baby but as in romance
Pending if I must admit, but tangible in a sense
When he was just in my head and not in my bed
Cause I had it all on lockdown
But I was still at passport control, anticipation had me losing control
I keep waking up before I land
To see the hills again I’d do god knows what
But I got some other plans
Got a boyfriend in Mexico, would die if he let me go
Got my daughter figure at home
I can’t exactly make amends
Or demands, each’s a far cry though
I’m bound for an airport and I’m Anton now
I don’t worry about anything at my best
I’m running to get the bag
Money to fly me west
Not to outrun the wolves with hearts laced onto their spiked black collars
racing to bite me in the *** for having the fruit I’ve sown rot
I never wanted to be vindictive, for what’s it really worth.
But somebody’s gotta be the bad guy.
Aim to escape this trance, it ends
It’s gotta have a horizon
New York, September 24th, 2024?
I’ve waited so long, think I’m going for numero dos
I broke up with my boyfriend for someone just as bad
But it lead me to my next, I need to give him more attention
I listen to him talk in Spanish, pretend he’s not so far away
4 months elapsed like steam
I’d do it all again
I wanna make it up to him for loving him as a replacement for Jack ******* Daniels
But what is distance gonna do?
What’s the ocean’s threat to drown?
I don’t fear thunderclouds as I cross them.
I don’t care, cause really I’m not there.
It’s just a dream, one I’m in, but I’m waking up.
Don’t matter if I like it or not.
One isn’t enough, I need more.
Remember, September 24th.
Hope my problems vanish by the third quarter of 2024.
That’s when the flight ends.
That’s when I’m all yours.

At this point I’m sure I’ll forever be on the mend.
Waiting for the best thing that happened to end.

A billion years from now,
I’ll still be yours.
Just like it is right now,
I belong where you.
I’ll continue to ******* lowlifes in the comment section.
I’ll glorify your harshness long as I got a heart that beats.
All this love I’ve to give.
Swear it came out of the blue.
Whatever comes, I’ll be here.
Dreaming of having you.

At this point I’m sure I’ll never find happiness elsewhere.
All I’ve ever wanted was to live in the embrace of your haven.

Venice, scoop me up and lift me up before the waves pull me under.
Cover me in sunburns and wash me ashore to the beach birds’ flutter.
I swear it all came outta the Pacific’s blue.
Long as I have a mouth to speak, I’ll continue to babble about you.
I swear it all comes down to becoming one with you.
Long as I have a heart to love, I’ll continue to adore you too.

A billion years from now, I’ll have sunk in the waters by the continental shelf.
But in my lifetime I’ll carve swans in hedges with metal shears, sunglasses I picked up at 7/11 in South San Gabriel.
I really wanna talk **** ‘bout coworkers marriage problems over coffee, getting fired cause I’m hot, red hot in trouble for blowing bubbles at work.
Doing wheelies on shopping carts but during the day since none of the witnesses knows my actual name.

They say write and write till you write your future into existence.
LA, **** me into your frontier and hold me within your dominion.
I want something lasting, not everlasting.
Something I can have without having to cherish.
I had a good thing, but it ended.
And my heart, it’s since been mended.

I missed the rain if one did come.
I deleted my ex’s number and hundreds of pictures from my telephone.
It hurt to let them go, but it also felt easy, you know, you know.
Out of all the boys I loved I thought we’d never ever get separated.
But with Juan I feel unsure.
I love him but love’s overrated.

I lasted months dry like the desert.
I said yes just to keep my mind off things.
I opened up hoping it’d get better.
And it did.

I love you like a beginner would but do I need you now like I needed you then?
It’s harder now and I could use a friend.
I don’t have a clue if you’re gonna stay forever by my side.
But the urge to give up already keeps me thinking at night.
Do I want you for now?
Do I wanna take hundreds of pictures of you asleep by me only to delete them later?
Or am I ready to memorize and take them to my grave in the heights of what I call the “Grant Mountains”.
Only time will tell.

I’ve chosen wrong so many times.
Makes me wanna already give up and go back to singing other people’s songs.
Can’t write my own without muses, it’s only love that turns the ink in my pen endless.

I love him, but love’s overrated.
I need him like a bath after a shower.
I want him, but what if we get separated.
It feels good.
But it used to feel better.

Hum into my ear, love song, hip hop, anything.
Pull me closer, hold me, let go, catch again.
Make me feel like I’m tipsy, make me melt like caramel candy, slow.
Make it like eternity, if there’s no afterlife all we have is now.
Don’t forget how I made you feel.
I remember how you made me feel lovable.
I’d experience it all again before I catch up with Amy and start blowing bubbles, evermore.
Be a fan of anything I do.
Don’t refrain from making me mad.
Be your sweetheart and *****.
You’re so warm but so frozen, I must not let you go or I’ll die.
You’re too like me to let someone else make you happy, I’ll make you happier.

Silk.
Caress.
Bleed.
Conquer and withstand and win.
Brutal.
Ethereal.
Sweet.
Yearn and compete and win.

That rush that runs my veins uneasy feels like lemon in the wound.
Correspondingly it wears me out to an extent a bath can’t fix.
I just want a kiss that feels right, like an arm’s brush over dew.
But instead I’m forlorn in a labyrinth of stars hung from deciduous trees.

Metal.
Burn.
Blossom.
Cry and contemplate and adore.
Monumental.
Skyward.
Impossible.
Dream and capitulate and succeed.

I can’t love anyone or so I think cause I’ve never been happy.
*** isn’t sweet without strings of attachment tied around us.
All I ever attempted was to make myself feel worthy of loving.
And when I catch a ray of stardust I feel out of time to follow it up.

It ain’t perfect, love is so hard but soft and so am I.
It ain’t a walk in the park or a summer beach day but a fall down the well of my heart.
It ain’t easy, love is so ugly and pretty and so am I.
It ain’t anime, I’m not a protagonist of any kind, I don’t get happy endings.

But I tried.

I’ve never had a thing for metaphors as a poetic whipping boy.
But when I think of it my heart’s kinda like the ancient city of Troy.
And I’m winning at the lotto till it’s just another knockoff seller.
Every guy I genuinely liked but they ain’t **** in hindsight whatsoever.
And every friend I would’ve taken a bullet for but would they have stood for me?
Every wrong decision I’ve made, if I managed to fix them then who would I be?
And I see animus when there is one, is it unanimous that everyone fells that?
Or maybe I’m overanalyzing every vowel, every aspect, every change in tone and dust speck.
I’m vengeful as **** and haven’t had a whole lotta luck finding love and **** like that.
Keeping friendships’ hard alike, dirt all over the welcome mat, I’m too proud to sweep it up.
Life’s one big stratagem, but I’ve made peace with that instead of battling it.
One brutal expedient, but I’m not sowing havoc in the name of embracing it.
And yes, I lie, yes, I add on stolen gems onto my crown.
But I’d never burn somebody’s whole world down.
Cause that’s what y’all were to me.
All you ******* that made Troy of me.
You’re my homie or a phony?
You won’t bother text or phone me.
I watch my homeboy **** it up, waving bye, his fault he missed the boat like that.
Glow up like a cityscape, forever à la mode, I’m on my Taylor Swift **** and your perception of me’s a folklore.
I shot my shot with a stiff, pretend I’m colorblind to red and green.
The dud must be eating ****, explains why he’s so ******* full of it.
I’m on my payback **** and if you double back for more that’s a no-no.
I’m on some hot guy **** and if you want a war this is a no-zone.
I’m on next level **** and if you wish to reach my level, get you a wishbone.
Outta my mind on all-night revels, all nighters getting me all disheveled.
Opening bounties from red devils, get you a reality check, I’m not ending up in flames.
In and out of heaven for forever, try and diminish the malevolent.
Never let a passerby bedevil me, you on some mythology ****, you ain’t gonna see me burn.

Can’t infiltrate my walls like Troy.
But he can infiltrate me though.
I’m on some daredevil **** and I’m it.
Doing kinds of **** I’d never thought I did.
Don’t stress yourself over a ploy.
Don’t bother fool me with decoys.
I’m on self-improvement and I’m the ****.
Bouta do everything I scrapped out of fear of doing it.

I’m no **** superhero, but I’m like the Iron Man.
Don’t stick my neck out for nobody but me and myself.
Got a heart of steel but I’m still a hopeless romantic.
Hard to keep your head above water when your nature’s aquatic.
I’d like to think I’m smart enough not to jump into conclusions and possible scenarios.
Don’t jump into fights I ain’t gotta be no part of or have me win for the satisfaction.
I really owe myself that after all the **** I let happen to me and I’m regretful.
It made my psyche empirical, built up by raw emotion and that journey was painful.
Anyway, I could’ve hit his DMs up or hers or theirs.
I could’ve ditched my persona and be a villain that I was cast to play by them.
I maybe should’ve made it seem like I didn’t back up all afraid.
Or maybe it’s a good thing that I let them triumph as I sailed away.
Because in the end I turned their ruse against them, cold blooded like a cryostat.
I played their pride as their cities went up in smoke, but I ain’t no copycat.
Guess now I’m back to nurturing self-love and ornamenting that iron door.
Get it on with Troy, get you a reality check, you on some lowlife lore.

I left my phone in the cabin
went out with nothing.
I took the road never traveled
it was quite something.
I got a favorite tree that leans into the road
and as I caressed its branch wet after a storm
it sprinkled down onto the moss bed made down below.
I couldn’t help but to tread on.
It was soft under my shoes and I sunk in it like quicksand
I wanted to listen to blues and let the moment breathe deeply
what a calamity it was that I had to say goodbye to my favorite tree.
And what a shame I didn’t get to lie down to sleep on the moss.
Someday I’ll do that though.