Telephone lines above me.
Electric like Elvis’s guitar.
Guns & Roses playing softly.
I’m feeling like a fallen star.

Gas station, LED lights.
I’m a deer in headlights.
Ovation, green lights.
I’m having a panic attack.

I dyed my hair black, do you recall that, baby?
I used to think I’d dye it blonde again when I’m happy or did I wanna dye already?
Red sky, who are they to downgrade me?
I just lied my *** in the grave they dug me.
Slap me upside the head already.
Tell me to be smarter.

Starlets making news by malice.
I’m just idly crossing that turnpike.
Once I was in love, in Paris.
Entranced reasonlessly in my mind.

Hollywood, limelights.
I’m so prone to gaslight.
Only saw me in bad light.
Poked fun at my loneliness.

I sought solace in Mötley Crue, remember, baby?
They were all laughing, jumping rope and I wanted to jump off something high already.
Red sky, who were they to affect me?
I just had to stand for myself, apparently.
Bury me in your arms already.
Tell me I’ll be okay.

We’re hitting the road now, baby, tell me it’ll be okay.
We’re entering the desert now, baby, fifteenth interstate.

Clover.
Yachts.
Vermilion.
Who were they to upset me?

Hoops.
Harleys.
Equinox.
Who were they to decry me?

If I write you a Devil Glitch, will you love me like your next *****?
If I give you some attention, will you ease off all this tension?
If I write you a Devil Glitch, will you love me like your next *****?
If I give you everything, will I get at least some of it back?
Wonder why I’m clingy, wonder why I’m so anxious all the time?
Wonder why I’m so tired, wonder why I don’t trust anyone?
Red sky, who were they to change me?
I just nodded when they used me.
Drive me to Vegas already.
Tell me to be braver.

There’s a guy, let’s call him Anton.
He fell in love with someone he’s never ever seen.
And that guy, he sought the reason.
A guy who won’t hurt you is one you’ll never ever meet.
The guy, he overstayed it at the château.
He’s afraid he’s someone that he will never ever be.
And what he did was find his reason.
Now he aviates asleep like they never ever dreamed.

I’m waking up from my dream.
And it took place in the clouds.
I’m getting nearer.
I got that feeling.
My ETA’s now, never ever been this near.
Bound to an airport, one I’ll never ever leave.

Do they hurt me or is it I that deals the damage?
Am I hurting them out of fear of being hurt first?
Now I’m contemplating over an ocean of clouds.
My eyes shut, letting the winds direct me to the end.

It went like that:

One night I was in a room
Lying on a bed and to myself and he entered like he knew
Reached his hand over to me
I was hellbent
On clamming up and being left be
He insisted I gave him a chance
And one he got
I think I fell in love
But I don’t mind as he won’t break my heart
Cause now he’s gone.
Another night I fell asleep
There was a guy right next to me
Handing me paper scraps, watching me
I said “Speak it aloud, set it free”
He confided in me
Gravitated real close to me
Our souls collided in a kiss
And some white lies to solidify it, the once upon a dream connection
It reappeared, the sound of a lock dropping, it was real, it was heartstopping.
Later came the disconnection.
It felt like waking up from a dream, one I wished I’ll never ever see end.
I’d let him fix my heart but it’s already on the mend.
Question is, what will it give me, knowing when to say when.
This taking off, it’s all I have until I wake up before the flight ends.
The third, he was familiar in a room of familiarity and family function ****
No thought to be over-processed, he was touching me, real tangibly
Laying over me
Gifted me a word of kindness but missed the point entirely
A shot in the dark, a spark in the heart.
I didn’t inspect nearby looks, I just listened on.
And so I hope I see him again in a couple years
I don’t know if I will
What I know is that it ends before it begins.
Like backstage romances and post-show kisses or Singapore hotel love affairs, I dreamed that too.
Patrick’s came too soon into my life to make the fourth switch.
A Judas french kiss, I’ve been over that too.
I don’t dance to his own music, I just like him cause he’s cute.
Another night of many I was over it
Already picturing gas price meters and 7/11s, cigarette smoke and rubbing fingertips
Steady with a baby but as in romance
Pending if I must admit, but tangible in a sense
When he was just in my head and not in my bed
Cause I had it all on lockdown
But I was still at passport control, anticipation had me losing control
I keep waking up before I land
To see the hills again I’d do god knows what
But I got some other plans
Got a boyfriend in Mexico, would die if he let me go
Got my daughter figure at home
I can’t exactly make amends
Or demands, each’s a far cry though
I’m bound for an airport and I’m Anton now
I don’t worry about anything at my best
I’m running to get the bag
Money to fly me west
Not to outrun the wolves with hearts laced onto their spiked black collars
racing to bite me in the *** for having the fruit I’ve sown rot
I never wanted to be vindictive, for what’s it really worth.
But somebody’s gotta be the bad guy.
Aim to escape this trance, it ends
It’s gotta have a horizon
New York, September 24th, 2024?
I’ve waited so long, think I’m going for numero dos
I broke up with my boyfriend for someone just as bad
But it lead me to my next, I need to give him more attention
I listen to him talk in Spanish, pretend he’s not so far away
4 months elapsed like steam
I’d do it all again
I wanna make it up to him for loving him as a replacement for Jack ******* Daniels
But what is distance gonna do?
What’s the ocean’s threat to drown?
I don’t fear thunderclouds as I cross them.
I don’t care, cause really I’m not there.
It’s just a dream, one I’m in, but I’m waking up.
Don’t matter if I like it or not.
One isn’t enough, I need more.
Remember, September 24th.
Hope my problems vanish by the third quarter of 2024.
That’s when the flight ends.
That’s when I’m all yours.

At this point I’m sure I’ll forever be on the mend.
Waiting for the best thing that happened to end.

A billion years from now,
I’ll still be yours.
Just like it is right now,
I belong where you.
I’ll continue to ******* lowlifes in the comment section.
I’ll glorify your harshness long as I got a heart that beats.
All this love I’ve to give.
Swear it came out of the blue.
Whatever comes, I’ll be here.
Dreaming of having you.

At this point I’m sure I’ll never find happiness elsewhere.
All I’ve ever wanted was to live in the embrace of your haven.

Venice, scoop me up and lift me up before the waves pull me under.
Cover me in sunburns and wash me ashore to the beach birds’ flutter.
I swear it all came outta the Pacific’s blue.
Long as I have a mouth to speak, I’ll continue to babble about you.
I swear it all comes down to becoming one with you.
Long as I have a heart to love, I’ll continue to adore you too.

A billion years from now, I’ll have sunk in the waters by the continental shelf.
But in my lifetime I’ll carve swans in hedges with metal shears, sunglasses I picked up at 7/11 in South San Gabriel.
I really wanna talk **** ‘bout coworkers marriage problems over coffee, getting fired cause I’m hot, red hot in trouble for blowing bubbles at work.
Doing wheelies on shopping carts but during the day since none of the witnesses knows my actual name.

They say write and write till you write your future into existence.
LA, **** me into your frontier and hold me within your dominion.
I want something lasting, not everlasting.
Something I can have without having to cherish.
I had a good thing, but it ended.
And my heart, it’s since been mended.

I missed the rain if one did come.
I deleted my ex’s number and hundreds of pictures from my telephone.
It hurt to let them go, but it also felt easy, you know, you know.
Out of all the boys I loved I thought we’d never ever get separated.
But with Juan I feel unsure.
I love him but love’s overrated.

I lasted months dry like the desert.
I said yes just to keep my mind off things.
I opened up hoping it’d get better.
And it did.

I love you like a beginner would but do I need you now like I needed you then?
It’s harder now and I could use a friend.
I don’t have a clue if you’re gonna stay forever by my side.
But the urge to give up already keeps me thinking at night.
Do I want you for now?
Do I wanna take hundreds of pictures of you asleep by me only to delete them later?
Or am I ready to memorize and take them to my grave in the heights of what I call the “Grant Mountains”.
Only time will tell.

I’ve chosen wrong so many times.
Makes me wanna already give up and go back to singing other people’s songs.
Can’t write my own without muses, it’s only love that turns the ink in my pen endless.

I love him, but love’s overrated.
I need him like a bath after a shower.
I want him, but what if we get separated.
It feels good.
But it used to feel better.

Hum into my ear, love song, hip hop, anything.
Pull me closer, hold me, let go, catch again.
Make me feel like I’m tipsy, make me melt like caramel candy, slow.
Make it like eternity, if there’s no afterlife all we have is now.
Don’t forget how I made you feel.
I remember how you made me feel lovable.
I’d experience it all again before I catch up with Amy and start blowing bubbles, evermore.
Be a fan of anything I do.
Don’t refrain from making me mad.
Be your sweetheart and *****.
You’re so warm but so frozen, I must not let you go or I’ll die.
You’re too like me to let someone else make you happy, I’ll make you happier.

Silk.
Caress.
Bleed.
Conquer and withstand and win.
Brutal.
Ethereal.
Sweet.
Yearn and compete and win.

That rush that runs my veins uneasy feels like lemon in the wound.
Correspondingly it wears me out to an extent a bath can’t fix.
I just want a kiss that feels right, like an arm’s brush over dew.
But instead I’m forlorn in a labyrinth of stars hung from deciduous trees.

Metal.
Burn.
Blossom.
Cry and contemplate and adore.
Monumental.
Skyward.
Impossible.
Dream and capitulate and succeed.

I can’t love anyone or so I think cause I’ve never been happy.
*** isn’t sweet without strings of attachment tied around us.
All I ever attempted was to make myself feel worthy of loving.
And when I catch a ray of stardust I feel out of time to follow it up.

It ain’t perfect, love is so hard but soft and so am I.
It ain’t a walk in the park or a summer beach day but a fall down the well of my heart.
It ain’t easy, love is so ugly and pretty and so am I.
It ain’t anime, I’m not a protagonist of any kind, I don’t get happy endings.

But I tried.

I’ve never had a thing for metaphors as a poetic whipping boy.
But when I think of it my heart’s kinda like the ancient city of Troy.
And I’m winning at the lotto till it’s just another knockoff seller.
Every guy I genuinely liked but they ain’t **** in hindsight whatsoever.
And every friend I would’ve taken a bullet for but would they have stood for me?
Every wrong decision I’ve made, if I managed to fix them then who would I be?
And I see animus when there is one, is it unanimous that everyone fells that?
Or maybe I’m overanalyzing every vowel, every aspect, every change in tone and dust speck.
I’m vengeful as **** and haven’t had a whole lotta luck finding love and **** like that.
Keeping friendships’ hard alike, dirt all over the welcome mat, I’m too proud to sweep it up.
Life’s one big stratagem, but I’ve made peace with that instead of battling it.
One brutal expedient, but I’m not sowing havoc in the name of embracing it.
And yes, I lie, yes, I add on stolen gems onto my crown.
But I’d never burn somebody’s whole world down.
Cause that’s what y’all were to me.
All you ******* that made Troy of me.
You’re my homie or a phony?
You won’t bother text or phone me.
I watch my homeboy **** it up, waving bye, his fault he missed the boat like that.
Glow up like a cityscape, forever à la mode, I’m on my Taylor Swift **** and your perception of me’s a folklore.
I shot my shot with a stiff, pretend I’m colorblind to red and green.
The dud must be eating ****, explains why he’s so ******* full of it.
I’m on my payback **** and if you double back for more that’s a no-no.
I’m on some hot guy **** and if you want a war this is a no-zone.
I’m on next level **** and if you wish to reach my level, get you a wishbone.
Outta my mind on all-night revels, all nighters getting me all disheveled.
Opening bounties from red devils, get you a reality check, I’m not ending up in flames.
In and out of heaven for forever, try and diminish the malevolent.
Never let a passerby bedevil me, you on some mythology ****, you ain’t gonna see me burn.

Can’t infiltrate my walls like Troy.
But he can infiltrate me though.
I’m on some daredevil **** and I’m it.
Doing kinds of **** I’d never thought I did.
Don’t stress yourself over a ploy.
Don’t bother fool me with decoys.
I’m on self-improvement and I’m the ****.
Bouta do everything I scrapped out of fear of doing it.

I’m no **** superhero, but I’m like the Iron Man.
Don’t stick my neck out for nobody but me and myself.
Got a heart of steel but I’m still a hopeless romantic.
Hard to keep your head above water when your nature’s aquatic.
I’d like to think I’m smart enough not to jump into conclusions and possible scenarios.
Don’t jump into fights I ain’t gotta be no part of or have me win for the satisfaction.
I really owe myself that after all the **** I let happen to me and I’m regretful.
It made my psyche empirical, built up by raw emotion and that journey was painful.
Anyway, I could’ve hit his DMs up or hers or theirs.
I could’ve ditched my persona and be a villain that I was cast to play by them.
I maybe should’ve made it seem like I didn’t back up all afraid.
Or maybe it’s a good thing that I let them triumph as I sailed away.
Because in the end I turned their ruse against them, cold blooded like a cryostat.
I played their pride as their cities went up in smoke, but I ain’t no copycat.
Guess now I’m back to nurturing self-love and ornamenting that iron door.
Get it on with Troy, get you a reality check, you on some lowlife lore.

I left my phone in the cabin
went out with nothing.
I took the road never traveled
it was quite something.
I got a favorite tree that leans into the road
and as I caressed its branch wet after a storm
it sprinkled down onto the moss bed made down below.
I couldn’t help but to tread on.
It was soft under my shoes and I sunk in it like quicksand
I wanted to listen to blues and let the moment breathe deeply
what a calamity it was that I had to say goodbye to my favorite tree.
And what a shame I didn’t get to lie down to sleep on the moss.
Someday I’ll do that though.

I dress to **** and I **** for fun.
I got all the bags and for money they run.
I’m into winning haters over, it’s my hobby.
And if you don’t pay tribute, this ain’t over, catch a body.
You’re over and I’m only getting started.
No lover but my boo got all my pics hearted.
Plain Jane and I’m rocking that Versace shirt.
No name and I’m high-fiving celebs, hold the girl.

**** me or *******.
I don’t buy your bull but buy expensive ****.
Wack but you’re still hot, can’t deny it.
So make your mind up or stop hindering me.

I dress for revenge and I avenge everything.
I’m winning every game and make sure you’re spectating.
I can rock vampire fangs, I could be your villain arc.
I got Kylie challenge lips, I can kiss yours in the dark.
But you’re playing! and you ain’t even winning.
Think you’re flexing? nah honey, you’re spreading the red carpet for me.
Know your worth! next to me you ain’t a penny.
Think I care? You in the top million things that affects me.

**** me or *******.
I don’t buy your bull but buy expensive ****.
Pretty but ******, it ain’t working for me.
Real ****, I did like you, now I rub that **** in.

Grab something quick, cause you falling off.
Joke, you’ve been lying face down at the bedrock.
Could’ve been my bed but you ain’t made it.
Could’ve said I ain’t it, but you didn’t say ****.
Could’ve won ya over but I’m kinda glad I didn’t.
You stay playing games, but I got better achievements.
I’d compete, but I need at least some competition.
You’re worthy, but only of cleaning up my *******.
I’m an effin’ G, go build me an effigy.
Why you so effin’ jelly, on top of that buttery.
I saw you the other day and I was like eww.
Whatever I smoked to be attracted to you.
Kinda glad now I ain’t leaned to kiss you up there.
Bonafide ******* and certified **** muncher.
I’m what you wish you were, I’m grateful I ain’t you.
Now watch me be a faker, cause you didn’t want me true.
You want my spot, then go clean my ***.
I eat a lot, I’m eating this **** up.
You want my spot, loser I dare you not.
You ain’t spitting facts, just go get a mop.

So *******, I guess.

Won’t namedrop but I knew someone, if you know you know.
No teardrops but I thought that I found a matching soul.
Foolish of me, ******* love me when I’m in my prime.
Gonna keep them nameless, you ain’t worth of my time.
I’m speaking hella sharp, but I’ve been cutting ******* off.
I’ve been hanging with the stars, looking down at them from above.
You’re either with me or against me, either **** me or respect me, won’t exploit me for your own gain, won’t deliver any more pain.
That’s what I’m saying.
There’s more fakes out there than you know.
Not namedropping any though.

I only keep up with my x’s to see the progress I’ve made.
Wish I’d thought of all the x’s on the list of things I hate.
I was desperate and had nothing, you were greedy and forced-laughing.
One thing I could never respect is stirring thoughts inside my head.
And I get I’m not your type and I get your friends are cooler.
Understand I’m not a nine, don’t rain money at the jeweler.
Don’t follow your buddies’ insta, you ain’t even on my finsta.
Finna unfollow you instantly, you don’t double tap my pics now.
And don’t call if you gon’ cancel, amped me up and why was that?
Then you asking me for Franklins like I owe you anything.
I’ve seen hints and indications, that you weren’t genuine.
I just wish I trusted my gut when you dropped out on me and ghosted.
Right before my prom, should’ve spoke over that graveyard silence.
What the **** was wrong with me to let that go like nothing happened?
Oh, I know.
I had nobody else.
Least I’m not hypocritical, I offed whoever bugged me on.
Killed them with a swoop of success, brought the scissors out, cutoff.
Wonder why I’m so proud now and the answer’s clear as day.
You would too if you evolved from prey to bird of prey.
If you gon talk about me, know I didn’t have to be your frenemy.
Actually scratch that, the act is off, I’ll proudly be your enemy.
You just wanted the gleam and the glory that I had to give.
Just so you know I almost called off a whole affair for it.
See, I’m not a faker, least I admit I wanted you like that.
Many years now, I still hope somebody does you just like that.
I still don’t wish you dead, your downfall’s not what’s in my mind.
I learn from self-inflicted wounds and don’t make that mistake twice.
Won’t namedrop, it applies to more than one.
No-named hoes, I feel my worthiness now.
I lost my Madison card now, pay deserved hostility back, dropped the invisibility act, I did all you said I couldn’t.
Rubbed it in your face like snow, envy’s stinging ***? You blew it.
I could have a boyfriend but I’m good and I will find tranquility in reproving.
Reflecting about them got me irresolute and so I’m calling your BS for improving.

******* want what you have, so I make what I have known.
******* take what you offer, in exchange they give you none.
Real ****, I turn the valve off, whatever we had is gone.
You ain’t getting any of me, not even the low and worst.
Won’t namedrop, but it’s all I’ve ever truly known.
Would namedrop, but that’s against my point.
Won’t call out, can’t win once the die are thrown.
We fell out out of place, cause you pushy like dominoes.
True story, ******* only loved me when I brought them pride by association.
Long story short, only acknowledged me upon receiving shared congratulations.
So I turned my back and ******* scattered disinterested in all directions.
I’d rather look for true bonds than relish false and forced appreciation.
And I ain’t feel the need to hear them say it for finalization.
If I said I hate you for that **** that’d be an exaggeration.
Grudge’s an understatement, I could argue but want no continuation.
One day you’ll perch in the shadow I cast and have your realization.
I heard unforgiveness is unhealthy, but since I found respect for me, I’ve been feeling myself.
You’ve got every right to hate me, sure as **** you won’t exploit me, you’d be playing yourself.
It’s these no-names that reinforced my insecure soul.
You gotta lose something to be grateful for your all.
You gotta have nothing to fearlessly give your all.
And as cliché as it is, every heartbreak makes you flyer.
Every stabbing gives you scars and the scars they give you power.
I take pride in my journey to a menace from a coward.
What I lost was never mine and what is truly mine will find me.
I could wait my whole life for it, nobody’s ***** just to feel happy.

I started dreaming about him and then I stopped.
You’re only in love forever until you’re not.
He was my all but now I don’t even feel possessionless having parted ways.
Cause love is love until it’s not.

I fell in love with him and then I fell out.
He was my second half until we fell apart.
I ran into his arms like a coffee shop and it tasted real good.
It’s just that I had my share of you.

I’m nobody’s until I’m someone’s
and I’m taken until I’m free.
I swear I could’ve been forever with him,
but I guess finite are all things that are free.
Now I’ve no interest in finding the reason
cause love is a myth until it isn’t.

I want someone who loves Laurel Canyon like Tori does,
knows who Joni Mitchell is,
and goes for hikes in the summer up Mount Hollywood Drive, little thought of the heat.
Brings me coffee to the nightstand, never goes to the nightclub,
watches sunsets from the pier’s end and adores bleeding hearts.
Like this Max I’ve crushed on for some time, but he’s over the mountains.
I don’t let that get over my head, he’s really cute when he stutters
and the **** he posts gives me butterflies.
But I’m hung up on Juan, I think he’s the one, but he doesn’t yet know about my poems.
Bry David wanted money, Ian wanted something I couldn’t provide.
Something about these guys made me numb to the oceanic continent divide.
Nothing I can specify made me dumb for somebody fraudulently divine.
Patrick is so ******* cute that every time I see him I risk falling in love,
but he’s like a bath in winter.
There was Dan, but I lost interest and there’s someone else.
He’s kinda cute too, but I’m good smelling flowers at Point Dume, reply asap when he texts me.

I’m out the tunnel now,
I want the opposite of what I wanted.
Think I’ll dye my hair brown
just to differ even more from old me.
Smelling bleeding hearts
and it’s very ironic that I’m better off
without him than with him
no one specific.
It’s just if you don’t play with fire you can’t burn yourself.
And I want a boyfriend but I like sleeping alone in my bed.

Only light the room up when you come in.
Spit whatever nonsense you want, say it American.
I’ve no type I think.
Long as he lights the room up, like a firework star.
My first fourth of July was in Los Angeles.
But I’ve only danced with devils wearing halos on their heads.
I need him to light that **** up, sparks ablaze.
I like being lonely and bleeding hearts, but I want to take
someone to Griffith Park at dusk
rate my love song ten stars
**** me ******* off the drive
listen to me rant about my life
buy me coca cola in the night
take a trip down memory lane to 2019 cause I
miss who I was but I love me now
I was so much better, too young to need love.
Not a wasteland replanted yet, but something lush, not too avid, cause that I never was.
Wish you had the pleasure of meeting me then.
Wish I could meet you now, but I don’t know.
I’m still not paranoid.

I wouldn’t call myself beautiful at night, moonshot.
I learned to keep my head up, but it’s still a long shot.
What I portrayed was only a version,
a diversion from what lay behind the veil.
It rained stars,
around my head.
Now I love me,
big thanks.

I thought the man I had eyes for couldn’t love me back cause I wasn’t beautiful.
But I changed my hair.
My glasses too.
Lost forty pounds.
Grew confidence too.
But I didn’t return to his doorstep to beg for acceptance again.
I know one thing.
I deserve better.
Than someone like him.
For what it’s worth, ******* for the heartbreak but thank you for making me
beautiful.

The sweet are the danger, you can’t always see the spikes on roses blooming.
But what you can do is choose happy over doubtful, it’s a gift to know how to.
Being trapped in a body you hate, it’s a misery that only you have the power to eliminate.
It’s a weird thing for me to say, but I only learned to love me having hated me.

Now I call myself worthy at day, sunshine.
I manage to absorb the bright, starlight.
Next step is finding someone capable of holding me together.
And making me believe I’m beautiful when I’m all kinds of ****** up.
Not just on my best days.

Now they know.
Puff into smoke.
Footprints gone.
Lost in the snow.
I was blowing dandelions in a careless state of mind.
I should’ve been more careful.
There’s no future for me now.
Icy cold gazing and butterfly attacks.
Impossible layouts and ravaging traps.
I admit the fault is mine, I’ll be more careful next time,
but next time you won’t see me fall.

I did the unimaginable and don’t feel sorry.
Plus I’d do it all again if I could, I love it.
Subzero, my heart measures subzero.
I gotta disappear, now I’m the antihero.
There’s nothing for me here, my chances equal zero.
My image’s shattered like an icy pond, here goes the thaw.
I’ll need somewhere to go, this rocky terrain’s cold and raw like steel.
Pull a Houdini, pull a rabbit out a hat, disappear cause I don’t give a ****.
Pull on a hood, eerie is what the air feels like, no matter what to blow their minds.
Now I’m naked in the snow, it’s subzero.
Gotta go, my heart’s frozen in fear.
And I’m freezing cause my veil is off.
I’ll vanish tracelessly like Bella Goth.

I’ve been blowing dandelions with my armor off.
In a garland of wildflowers cut loose with my sword.
I tried to catch a butterfly as it sat down on my lap.
It was a monster in disguise.
Blowing kisses to fire.
Got a sword through my back.
Running ruse over liars.
Those who swore had my back.
I’ve been slashing demons and making sure they lay abated.
But my current version is a monster only y’all created.
Icicles growing inside my chest.
Puncturing my heart and the gist is I made it that way.
I made it that way, yes.
I could’ve stayed but I had to make it that way.
I had to run away.
I’ve been opening doors not meant to be touched.
Been extracting good things through the eye of the needle.
I could’ve put on a scene, but into smoke I just puffed.
I got caught red-hearted, but red ain’t the shade of evil.
It’s love.
It’s all I’ve wanted, but be careful what you ask for.
I’m gone.
They followed footprints, but they faded in the snow.
I’ve been blowing dandelions in a careless state of mind.
I should’ve done it elsewhere.
But do I regret it?
I do not.

I’m fine being the bad guy long as he knows I’m his baby.
Burned to the ground but so what?
I got him, I got him.
I’m fine getting called slurs as long as he knows that I love him.
I don’t talk to anyone but him, and?
Only him, only him.
I don’t give a **** if my hair’s all messed up or my anxiety’s kicking in,
cause I got him, I got him.
I seriously don’t give a **** what they whisper when I’m absent,
cause I got him, I got him, and he knows that I love him.

Run away together.
After the pale sunlight.
Been blowing dandelions.
Their seeds all caught on fire.
I gave love a try when I shouldn’t have, I blew my cover.
Now that I’ve disappeared I love somebody else and love it.
And I don’t care what they think, what I did too soon.
What you give away for free is what follows you.

I’m the villain of my life and his, so be it.
Call me whatever suits you, we ain’t gotta coexist.
In fact, I went from wishing you the world to wishing you wrong, such a banal story.
Hope you at least hate me now.
Cause you never could’ve loved me.
Never could’ve loved me.
Never could’ve loved me.
I wanted to change for you.
But you done made light of me.
I’ve accepted that I’m the bad guy, I’ve connected the dots.
I can see the full picture now.
You never could’ve loved me, never been honest with me.
I’m prominent in your thoughts, smack dab in the center of your mind.
You never could’ve loved me.
I hope you ******* hate me now.

Yeah I sold my soul to be happy.
Are you satisfied?
You wanna hear what you crave.
Believe any little lie.
Just to help you sleep at night.
Tell your bingo ******* and ridden of brains buddies to step forth and say their piece.
Block them out, look the other way.
Trash has a habit of taking itself away.
Here’s your applause, you’re so fun.
Digging under others just to keep your head up.
Such a classic tale.
Jokes that write themselves give the longest laugh.

I forget your existence until you cross my path again.
Can’t keep my name out your mouth, I can keep you out my hair.
Take a breath, why’re you mad for?
See any bags under my eyes?
Note the difference, I phase straight through you like a ghost more alive than you.
Still unfazed though, note that too.
Find a job, I don’t see you.
You’re way too dry to be riding me like that.
Obsession is bad for beauty, so take a step back.
Why don’t you just keep me at bay if you hate me so much?
I’m glad you do though.
Prolly dream of me at night.
And thanks for giving me a laugh.
When you’re done, close the door.

I’m gorgeous!
Vibing under lemon trees.
Never getting on my knees.
I have everything I want here.
I’m so ******* fabulous!
Nonchalance suits me best.
Hate motivates me best.
I’m genuinely sorry for you.
I’d be mad if I was you, so don’t worry.
I feel nothing when I see you.
Only gratitude for who I am, not sorry.

You’re so anti-me now, get gone.
I’m so over-you now, I get going.
Light as breeze
Sweet lemon tree
Smiling for free
I’m not ******* sorry.
I don’t look back
Got no sympathy
You talk about me
Like an A-list *****.
Thanks for the spotlight, I feel awesome though.
You know you’re the **** when they hate you.
I’m your A-list *****.

You never could’ve had me.
I should’ve seen it, but
you never could’ve loved me.
Hope you ******* hate me now.

Waves frozen mid-crash.
Cold sinks through the glove.
Trace swallowed by frost.
Sand buried in snow.
Red hot volcanos.
Arid palm trees sway.
Long for the scarce green.
That’s how I escape.

You didn’t come all this way to slap me in the face.
With rubies on your white gloves red like blood.
You didn’t come all this way to leave me on ice.
Roofed over a brick maze, here comes the drop.
You didn’t come all this way to send the chandelier down.
Perforating me with a hundred million shards.
You didn’t come all this way to cave the roof in on me.
I fear nothing having climbed on top of what I feared.

I am evil, who isn’t?
I dream of scarlet and crimson and vampirism.
I am fixed in stone forever.
I fantasize about ribbons and bruises on knees.

You run out of paint, you bleed for art.
I could save myself, but I’m not that smart.

Watch me fly away, light hitting the mark.
I’m visibly drained, I’m visible now.

I was lying on the grass dotted by raindrops fallen from the sky.
It was grayish blue and the sun wasn’t there to shine upon me with my head on my blue bag and my legs bent at the knees.
My phone buzzed once or twice, I didn’t look.
I was listening to a singer’s song, so hooked.
It was my last day here at the festival, I was worn out by waiting in lines just to stare into celebrities’ eyes.
I sought a little bit of paradise,
something to remember,
something so ephemeral.
And when I looked up to the sky with my eyes shut tight I felt something just as momentary and small and fragile hitting my forehead gently and gracefully and I felt
cool with having given him a try.
Facing love with raindrops falling from the sky.
I’m so bad, I’m so bad.
But I’m so good at it.
I can’t help but be bad.
It’s a hard habit.
But I’m soft like the clouds, the fluffy ones, not thunderclouds, and I can tell a good guy from a ******* sucker.
It’s just I’m nervous when I smile, I see chairs lined up and I see people cheering for us and I don’t know if I can last a while
in a relationship.
If I want to marry, ever.
I don’t wanna tell my family and go to dinners together at randomly chosen places strewn across the burning desert.
At times like this I look up to the gray-blue sky, try to touch it with my fingertips and I drown my worries out in summer festivals, lay my head on yellow arid grass and I lie
so alive
raindrops falling on me gently from the darkening sky.
I count them, I feel one, two, three, four, five.
That’s five good things that happened to me since I said yes to this one good guy.
Wish he was here beside me.
Where he comes from there’s no rainclouds in the sky.

Baby, I’m soft like candle flame.
For I allowed myself to waver and wane.
I thought that was the trick to ignite the lights inside their stupid, pretty heads.
Alas, it was all in vain.
They could never love me for my poetry and late night whereabouts, the way I make my bed, the way I watch the stars.
But you, sweet as revenge, you came into my heart cause I let you in.
I could’ve chosen somebody next door, but I didn’t.
I could’ve listened to Sylvia Plath and loved a thunderbird instead of him.
Instead of the easy way back into poetry, I chose to fall deep for you,
and willingly I fell
into its whirl.
I’m fearless for this and for that and for what it’s worth I’m proud of myself more than ever.
Every lover I wished I could keep by my chest at night is now my enemy, but they’ve given me more than they know.
I ruin everything or maybe I’m too smart to chase thunderbirds, listening to abrasion taking place in earshot, time is running low.
It’s a long shot, but I think I might be right and despite the unfortunate events, I have more time than I know.
I’m only sweet and hot like summertime and I don’t dare throw my best days to the wind chimes’ tinkling.
I’m head-deep in my vulnerability and it’s feeling so **** sweet, swimming in debris, having more than I asked for.
San Juan, love me, please.
I’m still waiting for love to happen to me.
Patiently, enduringly withstanding summer breeze extinguishing me.
I’m open again to a new pair of arms to guard me from wind eroding me, erasing me off the face of Earth like sandcastles left to be.
I’m soft like candle flame, Juan, love me deeply, please.
Deep like the deepest point of the ocean, that’s how deep I wanna delve into you.
I haven’t loved anyone for more than a year, can you change that, please?
At least now I know it’s not me.
Can you love me, please?
Do you see yourself next to me?
Don’t you mind me asking?
It’s not like I’ll be this young and eager for dozens of summers, so I’m emptying this glass that happiness is until I find my peace,
find somebody to share it with.
Just tell me I’m not unfit to be loved.
Juan, I understand I’m not the problem, but can you verify that though?

Listen, it’s whatever.
I ain’t got **** to say.
I’m a Cali boy forever.
Heart left by Ocean Way.
I’m at mercy of the universe now, ain’t got room in heart to spare.
I love you real much but I’m at a turning point, breathing in dead air.
And the metal zipper of my black leather dangles in the wind, music to my despair, ain’t got a word to say.
I listen to what I used to listen.
It brings back time and has me reminiscin’.
But I ain’t got **** to say.

My backyard’s a graveyard of roses I’ve planted for him.
Only saying cause you asked.
Will you help me dig them up?
Let’s uproot dead roses of love undone and plant our own of love to come.
We’ll fertilize them and sing folk songs on a long road from home.
I’ve got it in me, believe it or not, but I’ve got it in me.
And love will come.

Let me center the whole universe around us.
Let me worry ‘bout you every single time you miss my call.
Let me rant to you in an unabridged way.
Let me release like vape steam what I ever venture say.
My 11PM attitude, high on verisimilitude.
I swear I love you, but my heart feels dead.
Just look at the fallen petals, ash instead of soil.
The dead air I’ve been breathing, it used to be a joy.
But I believe it, believe it or not, but I believe in resurrection.
Of a broken heart.

My backyard’s a graveyard of roses I’ve planted listening to Super Freaky Girl.
We were like Jimmy and Kim, we were like flame and gasoline, people got hurt.
I loved like a maniac, I almost even told my closest friends, how happy I’ve been.
But I’ve been lying all my life, it wasn’t even happiness, it was a chore I kinda liked.
Cause he had my back.
And I took bullets for him.
For him I gave the *****.
Unlike giving them for me.
But one thing I’m willing to say is even though I’m wilting to decay is,
I loved like a maniac, like fire it burned, but it went away.
Cali boy forever, the yearly switches got me crying by Ocean Way.
Santa Monica screensaver, we were there, but now we’re a world away.
And I ain’t got **** to say to you, ain’t got anything.

Now there’s dead roses rotting by my house.
If you help me, we can plant brand new ones.
I’ve got it in me, believe it you do, I’ve faith in it too.
That love can come
of love undone.

I’ll write a song with you.
I’ll go to bed with you.
I’ll tour the world with you.
I’ll rob a bank with you.
Jack, don’t wake me the **** up, I said so many times I despise this world, I wanna be with you in ******* Pasadena or in a few mile radius.
I’m losing my sanity tryna convince you to drop everything.
Living’s real tough when I can’t have you.
Jack wake me up when you’re sober.
Jack fix me a kilo when the high is over.
Jack I just wanna go back to LA so badly.
I don’t know what I’m doing but I’ll write a song for you.
I’ll tour the world with you.
I’ll go dark for you.
I’ll lap dance for you.
I’ll wait years for you.

Take me to
to New York.
Forget me
when we’re through.
We’re only getting sober now, baby.
I could live for all eternity but never forget the only one who was caring to me.
Drop me off
of Rodeo Drive.
Kiss my lips
for the last time.
We’re only getting sober now, baby.
I’ll forget you only when I find someone who shows me a semblance of compassion.

I couldn’t go a day without missing my ex boyfriend.
But only when I’m drunk cause I get real nostalgic.
Every one of them I loved but they hurt me real badly.
I would lust over them like hell, but then I get sober.

I love this place.
It’s just like I dreamed it, honey.
Lemme fix you a drink and then you can tell me about that ******* boss of yours.
I ain’t done nothing today but miss ya.
I wrote a poem though, wanna see it?
How ‘bout we go to Rodeo Drive?
Yes, a date.
No occasion.
And just so you know, I ain’t drinking today.
Why?
I don’t know.

I don’t really need to.

All his nonsense spitting got me tanning by the motel pool.
I left the trailer park.
I had to kool off soon.
Jack is always listening to me spitting nonsense about injustices and things you can’t change or rekindle.
He knows my songs by heart.
It’s him I kiss when I get drunk.

I wanna find it.
The right amount of nectar that deities get drunk on.
I wanna smoke a cigarette and blow the smoke into everyone’s face.
I wanna be okay.

All my friends are outta town and I’m on my gas station night shift.
Call my babe, he picks me up.
Fills up my entire will to live.
Jack puts me in the glass room of his mansion and stirs the thoughts that cause rot inside my head.
I shoot up his lies and they sound amazing.
They’re music to my tears, sand to my hourglass.
My veins get hot like lava, but I like seeing the world from his perspective.
I wanna get drunk of him.
But I’m really ******* sick of him.

I wanna find it.
I want calamities to perish and I wanna imagine a vision so good.
I wanna stay there.
But I know I can’t.

I want him to slap me across the face and take the pain away from my heart.
I’m really sick of him but I want him in every cell of my body.
Without his squeeze the world is gray and I’m tired of writing about hard feelings.
I wanna overdose on him.
But I know I’ll die.
Sometimes I think I already have so I get drunk and I’m back to life.

Go.

He and Malik aren’t friends.
But he’s famous for something.
He wears heavy metal on him.
Like he’s wanted for something.
Black leather tight and I can’t breathe.
But I’m fine with dying in Cali.
Mula-la is flying in the wind.
Jack, you’re as ****** up as me.
Oooh, black leather, *****.
Leather on my skin, mula-la is in the wind.
Ooh, blood-stopping grip.
Pouring his dark soul into my pre-opened wrists.
I wanna find it.
I wanna find it.
Someone like him but quite the opposite.
I hate to love him.
I’m so sick of him.
But I so love him.
He’s always got me.

One time I felt like I was ice skating on Lake Michigan in a blizzard.
I lost the shoreline forever.
And the grip of fear.
I was out of place like a 14 year old listening to Hejira.
I still feel so in a way.
No gazing at my rear.
I got laid in my hometown and I sneer at my childhood friends like I never loved them.
I’ve been different 20 people since my birth and I feel like I’ve found the one that suits me best.
Like a fuzzy coat in winter, taking meds, healing slowly, **** my ex, I’m skating on Lake Michigan, baggage back in Madison, far from wifi, farther from home, I feel nothing but nipping from the frigidity and tight embrace of freedom.
I skate on into the blizzard and I haven’t seen a winter so winter-like since I rode on a sleigh pulled by my uncle’s car ‘round my beloved apartment complex.
All I see is white.
Like a fresh page of life.
You sow nothing, you get nothing.
Find no weevils in your garden, sweet fruit either.
That’s why I’m leaving y’all to concentrate on what I want and I skate into the nothingness of Lake Michigan, where only frostbite’s capable of breaking my heart.
It’s just a rest stop though.
I’ve yet to rise in love.
I’ll have my pasta date in Paris someday.
I’ll regret wasting my first real kiss with a hookup, I just didn’t wanna die a ******, so I squandered something artificial, boo-*******-hoo, life’s a travelog, put my fuckboys’ names in a catalog, remember what they gave me.
So let me swirl around, draw curvy lines, interlacing hearts.
Privately pretty.
Let me daydream of the day when I feel pretty as to get me some, when I dive into his ***** arms, wrap them round me like a shawl I’ve never worn, but feel like home.
I’m skating on Lake Michigan, left my heart in Madison, en route to Manhattan.
And I’m on the mending route of heart.

Just why?
Tell us why did you do what you did?
Are you on the run or losing it?
Why did you ruin everything we’ve worked to keep?
You always ruin everything!

Alright, here it is.

Just why, why’d you cut us off after everything that we’ve been to?
Just think, if I made the decision to cut y’all off I had reasons to.
And what was that you posted when you have all that anxiety?
Well, to update y’all, it was just me tryna please everybody.
I ain’t got beef with anybody and I ain’t a vegetarian.
I don’t spill blood battling with my haters, instead I bury ‘em.
I don’t let intrusive thoughts affect my decision making.
I do turn on a whim, but I ain’t lost, I got priorities.
I could’ve been a savior, hell, I could’ve been a hero.
I could’ve been a full-time villain but got better ideas.
At first I gave y’all complications only so I could spite ya.
Now they’re making compilations that I ain’t even a part of.
Never skype ya.
Never talk to ya.
I ain’t buying what you selling.
Before y’all criticize that too, listen to what y’all  been saying.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Why that name?
What you on?
I thought
it could be
a fresh start.
So I won.
Yeah I won.
Uh-huh.

I changed my name, like I reinvent myself yearly.
I check marked LA, shut your mouth, it is way too early.
To complain like that, wish I ain’t made it work, really?
I got my haters’ backs so I could stab them hoes there, easy.
What you talkin’ ‘bout? What the ******* mean by hoax?
Darkness in your basement, catch a light no wonder it looks sus.
I am on a level you ain’t dreamed of seeing, let alone reaching.
Your brains’ ain’t been lucid thinking, shoulda stuck to preaching.
Suits you.
Suits you, make you look more silly than you are.
If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em, but I think I’d rather die.
I didn’t pave this road for ‘em to muddy it back up.
I’m a blueprint to myself, hate I take as a compliment.
Fruity and rocking Gucci, I’m an edible arrangement.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Where the hell
‘d you get it from?
We thought
you were running
but you aren’t.
Yeah I won.
The marathon.
But I ain’t running.

I used to fear dentists, planes and social interactions.
Now I floss, I’m sky high and receive standing ovations.
These hoes oily, extra ******, when I eat I do it raw, stare.
These walking failures getting oral checked but at a dentist chair.
I sleep under palm trees *******, summer body done.
I can see y’all hoes are *******, acting downside up.
Before I let y’all disappear, you’ll see what you passed up on.
Give me a heads up, cover my ears before y’all wax on.
Wax on.
Wax on but as in y’all ******* babbling.
Still like bayou water but my jacuzzi bubbling.
I’ll send y’all postcards from vacays in countries round the equator.
Make y’all **** hurt, get y’all a good buttache alleviator.
If that doesn’t help, why don’t y’all get off my D?
If you so against me, why you fools stay fooling with me?
I keep it straight with me and I didn’t always do.
If it benefits me then that’s what I’m gonna do.
I thought they would like me if I changed a thing or two.
But that wasn’t me and I ain’t liked who I turned into.
I would leave them hanging if I felt so inclined.
For when I wanted realness but y’all ******* declined.
I’mma release poems on all my exs’ birthdays too.
Give me a fortnight,
I’mma make it too.
Starting now I should know that red and green differ.
Be this hot and I never signed a deal with Lucifer.
And next time y’all wanna kiss my ***, just say you need a ride.
I’mma pass, here’s a disclaimer, it’s me now I prioritize.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Why that name?
What you on?
My prime ****
to be exact
and ain’t no act.
So I won.
So I won.
Wax on, wax on.

Get me on that walkie talkie and for ******* what?
Sick of your fucky wucky so shut the **** up.
On a brighter note, I’mma dearly thank all of my homies.
Twenty years you’ve given me support through all of my wilding.
I’ll make sure to leave y’all my address in Rosemead when I finally go.
I’mma wrap this up now, catch you on the flipside, this is Bella Goth.

Empire State Building, floor 102.
That’s where I’ll be waiting for you.
You guys are like family, I love you in a way.
I’ll be your friend and solace, strong roof over your heads.
Pull up to your wedding, be your best man, wipe your tears when it’s over.
But don’t jump off, babe, soon we’re all going to be happy.
In Empire State, someday we’ll all be free.
I wanna fall in love at least once before I die, even if it brings me down.
So don’t jump off, babe, soon we’ll all stop being lonely.
Empire State, someday we’ll all be free.

I can see the words trapped in your eyes when you look at me.
Someday you won’t have to fear it.
We’ll hold hands doing laps around Central Park in summer.
We’ll french kiss on the subway like some blazed down gunners.
Don’t be afraid of the dark when you feel it.
Someday you won’t ever have to fear it.

I’ll go to New York City, I’ll be grateful to stand where they stood.
I was in heaven when they were dying, I swear I emphasized with them when nobody could.
It’s sad when I think what my brothers and sisters have suffered while I sat on Jesus’s lap.
It’s not my ******* fault that Jesus made me gay as ****.
I’m looking in the wrong places, forever out of luck.
But someday I won’t have to wander.
Someday I will open my blinds and invite the light in.
I’ll be at the beachside, old and happily married.
In a townhouse painted green which has a garden of hydrangeas, nourish me.
I’m a hemlock baby, fruit of toxicity but I’m still beautiful.
Step on me all you want, but I’ll still do lots of good.
The empathy within me is as strong as a stone wall standing tall and lingering on.
There’s radioactivity, discovered by Madame Curie and I’m carrying it along.
But I have faith still
that God loves me
I wish to love another in the same way, Lord let me.
I will give you
roof and solace
Someday you’re gonna need it before you get to give it.

I can see the scars on your soul when you expose it to me.
Someday you won’t have to loathe them.
We’ll dance with locked hands jiving to music of liberation.
Remember what they took from us, be proud of what he had.
Don’t hate yourself and don’t think you’re broken.
You’re just beautiful in a world that’s not yet awoken.

A songbird once sang to me that someday we’d all be free.
The pain that you endured, it will be your strength, it will lead you forward, it will hold your hand.
A songbird once sang to me that someday we’d all be happy.
I’ll come to your wedding, be your best man, cry with joy as you’re standing at the altar.
Empire State, we’ll throw baby showers, grow vegetables together, perform in gay bars on street corners.
In Empire State, we’ll kiss on the subway, be invisible, marry each other on floor 102.
I wanna fall in love at least once before I die, I just wanna fall in love.
It’ll be okay,
we’ll all be free someday,
Empire State, don’t you jump off.

Amina, he works for Wilhemina.
Amina, we’re almost at the end.
He comes from Argentina, I only want him when I think of the man who doesn’t love me.
I’m just a ****** to you, but to me you’re as integral as oxygen.
Amina, he loves me when they hate me.
Amina, we’re so real for this.
He’s from the Philippines, sexts me from overseas, helps me **** time.
I’ll send him nudes but won’t tell my sign, cause we’re not meant to be together.
I don’t know if I’m there yet, Amina, I’m a ****** to you, but you love me at least.
When the man who doesn’t love me wants me I’ll be there for him every time of night and day,
but for now I’ll be sexting my thoughts away with Latinos that don’t even know my name.
Sad but beautiful.
Beautiful but sad.
I wanna go back to Las Vegas.
Take a swim in Silver Lake.
I wanna do something fun.
Amina, he works for Wilhemina.
Amina, we’re almost at the end.
He listens when I feel unheard.
I’ve still got things to say.
Don’t text me on weekends cause I have nothing on my mind.
I only want you when I’m lonely, I only feel like I want a boyfriend when I hit rock bottom, when I realize no one loves me.
He comes from Mexico, I go incognito and I watch him shake his ***.
I’m done with the sad boy ****.
This is my last collection before I get a boyfriend.
Amina, he works for Wilhemina.
Amina, he loves me when I’m worthless.
Sadly beautiful
Beautifully sad
I mean nothing to him, but he gives me more than the man who doesn’t love me.
It’s what keeps me from crying these days.
There’s nothing else for me to say.
Amina, we’re here.

Be sweet to me and I’ll return the flavor.
Why don’t we buy a cabin in Colorado?
Don’t love me out of mercy,
and don’t make me have to run.
Best of things don’t come easy,
and if they do it spoils the fun.
But I don’t want fun.
I’m looking to get wed, not wet.
I’m trying to get by, not high.
I wish that it was easy, not hard.
I’ve fallen in love way too many times and it hurts more every time I do.
Maybe when I find the right one I won’t have to fall again and bruise.
Why fall when you can rise in love?
Why don’t make it easy?
Can we sit down and choose the color of our fence?
Can we laugh at stupid people together?
Can we feel like God’s top priority for a day or two?
I wanna look down on you looking at me from the bed.
I have enough problems of my own, but I’ll find room for yours too,
and isn’t that ******* beautiful?
I had a dream that he ****** me in the backseat of his car and that’s as close as we got to being a couple.
I ran away from him but I felt godawful.
But that’s what I had to do.
(That’s what I had to do, right?)
Now I’m walking over ridges and through valleys somewhere high in Colorado.
I’m looking for a spot to build a cabin as part of some dumb personal bravado.
I have nothing to prove to a single soul except my own and I’ve been contemplating lately whether I’m temporarily lonely or whether I’m
ready?
Someone wise told me once that when you catch feelings you fall like dominoes, and that wise someone was me, cause I have.
I’m my best confidant, but lately I’ve been contemplating whether I’m just desperately needy to be loved or whether I’m finally
ready?
I’m in a dead zone for cellphones, in between two peaks of Colorado mountains.
Here I’ll build my cabin and watch television with old Hollywood actors.
But I won’t be doing that alone.
I’ll let him choose the color of our fence, we’ll stand beside it holding hands.
I’ll take the risk of having to run for the hills again, I’ll be quite already there.
I’ll bring him shade in the summer, heat when waters freeze.
It all sounds so easy.
I’ve fallen in love so many times and it hurts like throwing yourself off a cliff in the mountainy Colorado.
But why don’t we rise in love?
Why not make it easy?

[Part 1 - Undone]
I got in the shower with my headphones on, listened to my favorite singer sing about getting naked and I haven’t related to a song as much since the time she sang about being born to be the other woman, cause I was born to be the other man and I made my peace with that.
Maybe we’ll meet in another life.
Maybe then I’d be happy by his side.
Anyway, I’m gone now.
I had no reason to stay.
Call me up if you want me to do something for you
like run an errand
or ****.
Ima set this as my voicemail, so all the men who things haven’t worked out with will hear it.
I could still give you something.
I’m not over you as much as I wish I was.

[Part 2 - Bitchslap]
My baby is the biggest sadist under the moon
You create mayhem but I can’t stop loving you
You make me sad like the ******* sky’s blue
You inflict pain and sweetness and I can’t break loose
It’s just circles, it’s just dead ends for you.
I could be a god, but still not good enough for you.
My baby is the biggest sadist under the moon
You paint me blue but I can’t stop liking you
I’m suffocating when we’re in the same room
You don’t give a ****, but I’m so obsessed with you.
I need a distraction
I need to take action
He’s sweet, but I’m auto-destructive with my fantasies.
I’m so not over any of them,
but I’m choosing to forget that I can’t have them.
I could still give them something.
Am I the only one who feels this way?
Do they ever think of me?

[Part 3 - Candy Crush]
Takes me to the Hamptons, I’m the apple of his eye.
Sings Dylan up real close, I’m his groupie for life.
Sweet like coca cola, I get high off him at night.
Chews me up and spits me up like I’m cherry bubble gum.
Takes me to festivals, I’m his vintage money.
Drives me to the vistas, I’m his bitter honey.
Without him I’m nothing, I’m the light of his life.
I’m his little baby, every day and night.
Sweet like sugar baby,
Only ride or die.
Nothing to lose baby,
Like Bonnie and Clyde.
I got nothing to lose now,
I’m his baby for life.
I learned to flirt from TV,
Decipher me from WikiHow.

[Part 4 - Errands]
Pick me up from school, we can run some errands.
Drive me to your place, choose the fastest highway.
Handle me with care, I go ahead like a Ferrari.
I speedrun relationships, ***** I’m motopapi.
Let me run my hands up your thighs, hang on your shoulders.
Let me caress your hip bones, gently collide our foreheads.
I can sleep on his hips, I ain’t going anywhere.
Follow me on socials and then to the shower.
Once you go bad, there’s no going back.
There’s no going back.
He can play some hip hop, so his neighbors won’t hear.
Crash me into the ocean, LAPD in the rear.
Once you go brave, you won’t ever give a ****.
You won’t ever give a ****.
I can undress him slowly, I can drive him like a Lambo.
Run my hands upwards like I’m doing a glissando.
Once you go to town, you’re a local there.
You’re a local there.
My consciousness is calling, Ima call you back in two weeks.
My senses are calling, Ima call you back in never.
“What the hell are you doing?” they keep asking me.
Running errands, that’s what I am doing.
I never had a boyfriend, but I’ve had fun in spite of that, that’s the least I could have so why’re they surprised I did?
Now I want the bare minimum and I wanna get it daily like I’m buying groceries, meet somebody new, write his number down on a Walmart receipt, call him up and get my hopes up, get hooked up and give him up.
I’ll see him in another life.
I might love him in two.
He might love me back in ten.
You’re hella cute, hella cute when you stutter, I like your face but you’re also hella outta reach, nowhere close to my dominion.
Hell, at least run an errand with me, it’s the bare minimum.
Pick me up from the gardens, we can waste our time.
Drive me to the riverbed just to break my heart.
Don’t ask me for money, hit me up to chat.
I got nothing to do, nobody here to love.
So it’s no wonder why I want all the things above.
Treat me like a ghost,
I’m gone as we’re speaking.
At least give me a call,
I’m not gone entirely.
I don’t regret what I do, even if it winds up fruitless.
It’s the minimum of it, both its grandeur and crudeness.
It’s a crazy thing.
You and I both know this won’t work, but it’s the best we’ve ever had.
It’s the best we’ve ever had.
The hardest thing is knowing when to give up and I made my peace with that.
I made my peace with that.
Run errands with me, take me to your place, give me what others have.
Get naked in the shower.
Get drunk on hope.
Give up, repeat, crash into the ocean.
Let’s do something together.
Just to stop feeling lonely.
Get high on the minimum of what we’ve never had.
Even if it’s for the night.
Drive me to your house.
Don’t blame me for being this way.
I gave up on the good life long ago and I made my peace with that.

Somewhere off the coast of Maine they caught a lobster that was blue and the odds of that happening were lower than me finding love that’s true.
When will be my time?
When will I get found?
Do I wanna get found?
Ask myself this very important question.

Got a list of things to improve to make myself beautiful, I do have some things I’ve left to do to make myself visible
to men.
Men with rigid fishing nets on wooden watertight ships, others sticking out their heads, but I’m still elusive
to them.
Catch me if you dare, can’t promise I won’t slip away.

I’m not feeling beautiful and I’m real hard to catch.
I’m feeling exceptional, but not necessarily rare.
I’m not feeling lovable, I got a list of things I’d change.
Don’t you get accustomed to me, you won’t see him again.
Unless…

Unless you come to the shallow estuary I’m in right now, place me in your palm and lift me out of the water like the most fragile thing.
Do me the honor of being your boyfriend.
I can make wonders happen if you let me make you happy.
I have good intentions but also bad encounters in my past.
If you do me the honor of being my boyfriend I can bring new meaning to blue.
Make it no longer a color of sadness but pride of my rarity.
I have magic in my name, water in my blue eyes.
Get me to love me and love me, boy, show me how.

Don’t just say I’m beautiful, but make me believe it.
Don’t make me beautiful, make me a believer.
I’ve been feeling blue and there’s nothing rare about it.
Make me feel exceptional, a blue lobster.
Don’t pour sea foam into my eyes and maybe you’ll catch me.
Don’t gaslight me, elucidate me instead.
I’ve been hiding in deep blue waters where no one could find me.
But deep down I dreamed of the surface.

Make me believe
Teach me about pride
Do me the honor of being yours
Catch me if you can
Give me reasons to stay
Teach me about love and I’ll do you the honor of being yours
and I’ll finally feel proud to be blue.
Love me and get me to love me.

Take a swim in my stream of consciousness and realize how cold it is, only dead fishes of forgiveness and diamonds nobody could fit into their rings.
You always ask how I am, never what I cry about.
If you’re a man of transparency, take off your clothes and dive into my heart, jump into my heart, leap into my heart.
I come with no strings attached and go the way I came, if you want me to stay then build me a dam and follow me upriver to keep me from the oceans.
Power me with rains, listen to me in the driest times and understand me, level with me, get to know me.
Just don’t ask if I’m fine.
I cry every time I remember that everyone I know will once die, I cry for them when they’re alive.
I lose people and then I lose me, it drives my thoughts to the beach and not because I wanna sun on the sand but go for a real long swim.
I don’t wanna get married out of fear of outliving my husband.
I would die,
if invested in something so immense and convoluted to lose it,
not gonna lie.
Last time I had everything I wanted was in middle school.
Half of my ex classmates are either married or parents.
And I’m over here afraid to get attached.
I watch the mandala spin through a translucent lens, I bought a puppy just a week after I lost my dog of 11 years.
Last time I saw him he was by the metal gate up front, half alive, I tried to try to alleviate his pain, and then he was gone.
I only cried when I was alone, because I had to be strong, I tried to alleviate my pain by drowning it out in a hot bathtub, but time mended me, it has all along.
I remember my great grandmother, I used to come over every day after preschool for a cookie and then I took my final bite.
I don’t know how I felt, but it was the real life baptism I feel I never had until March.
And what can I do other than watch the mandala spin?
I look out the public transport window and watch the fronts of houses pass in front of me in blur and it’s making me dizzy.
And then I remember my new year’s resolution and it terrifies me that it’s May already.
Last time I saw my friend she wasn’t even pregnant and now she’s a mother and the other I watched get erased from my routine like gusts of autumnal wind blowing at a pile of dead and fallen leaves.
Why do I feel accomplished that she broke up with her boyfriend, I used to care but now I’m a stranger.
I miss all of them, the dead, the alive, in fact I am not the same person as in middle school, not him from the San Gabe Motel 6 poolside and now I’m giving love a go, wasn’t that long ago, I’m so much different now.
At this rate I’ll be dead before I know it, but I’m only 20 and I can still make something out of what I have left.
I don’t know how to stop running, but I must’ve been enchanted or cursed to run and run and run until I’m done.
Peggy was 24 when she climbed up the Hollywood Sign and jumped.
That’s a way to go, I thought in my darkest times.
I come with no strings attached and go the way I came.
I love myself but not like I loved the people I ran away from.
I’ll open up my heart for you, make it livable, beautiful, capable.
Swim naked in my consciousness, surface of an arid planet and watch life bloom out of me.
I’m so ******* happy some days, but sometimes I catch myself thinking of beach days during stormy weather.
I can cherish who I love, no one’s gone forever.
I’m not gone forever.
Don’t ask if I’m happy, but act as if I’m not.
Hold me close enough so that I can’t run.
Make me feel irreplaceable for the first time ever.
Dive into my heart with no clothes whatsoever.
I pray to God to wrap a divine blanket over my people, I love them wholeheartedly, cause I can’t love another way.
If there’s a link between us, a string I can’t see or I’m unaware of, preserve it.
I say I go in and out of people’s lives unattached, I hope I’m dead wrong.
I may seem like I don’t but I care.
Angel, Felix, Leah - keep your eyes up.
Val, Rosemead, Petra - I wish you the best.
Gabe, Aaron, Charlie - may you live happily.
Ajay, Eric, Max - thank you for those years.
Jay, Lizzy, Steph - I’m forever grateful.
Barb, Annie, Hannah - know I’m doing great.
Tom, Dylan, Mexico - I remember you too.
Colleen, the guys, Caroline - I still love you.
Nina, Maggie, Martin - hope you’re smiling now.
Modern god, Zack, Alex - best of things in life.
Margaret, Vic, Sher - be happy forever.
Glo, Coyote, Court - move toward the better.
Ash, Alex, Jack - all the sweetest things.
Ellen, Alice, the fires - don’t go anywhere.
My family, my friends, my lovers.
I have you in my corner.

Daddy was a sailor, but I stuck to toy ships in the bathtub - and it’s only as far as I got into the deep waters.
I swam a flash of a lifetime and only as far as the watchful eye of the lighthouse could see.
Past that range I never set my anchor in, but that didn’t stop me from gazing ahead through my sextant’s cracked lens.
I ran my fingers across the nautical chart and all the bays were just circles I kept walking in the dark, but I threw wood into the hearth to keep myself from freezing.
I kept me warm when times got rough.
My home is like a port side, but there’s a nautical knot around my heart.
My quarters are in cobwebs and the door is boarded up.
I write so it’ll get better, but all a sailor says is lies.
How do I lose the great whites biting into the stern of my boat?
I didn’t want to sink.
So I headed back to the port.
Lord enlighten me and let my heart go on.

My hotheadedness I take after my grandfather and my softheartedness from Jesus himself.
I’m trying my best to be brave like my father but the wind and the waves and the deep waters, they scare me off.
I feel a little adventurous, but that’s a feeling that washes off, when the tides rise or lightning strikes or when I see another boat.
My heart is covered in nautical knots and I shoot flares into the sky, only so when I get heard I sail back to hide
in the cold navy naiveness.
Lord give me strength to be brave like them.

My old man upstairs, he loves to remind me of what I think I need.
14 dreams in, I need to make up my mind or start writing my will.
I try so hard to lose the great whites
to free my heart and have it go on like a tugboat of a drunken sailor fallen overboard.
My man one floor higher, he sometimes brings me to heights higher and higher.
He watches me sweat fighting fire with fire
but I can’t keep falling for someone new just to forget the one before him.
I’m quietly hoping
I’m quite nearly there
off the desired shore
of the Avalon Island.
My father was a sailor, but he threw in the towel for a reason I don’t know, I played with wooden ships in the four walls of my home.
I never sailed so far off that land merged into sky and everything was blue, the sea, the skies and I.
So lord enlighten me and say how long to wait, divine me coordinates when it’s right.
Let my heart float away like a letter in a bottle thrown astray to that one person a billion waves away.
Avalon is an island far away, but distance is a made up thing.
It doesn’t matter if I’ll have you here, cause in heaven I’ll have everything.

The sound of glass smashing is a pang to the ears, but I’ve learned real beauty comes from broken things.

Drip
I hear water in the gutter
One upside of a broken heart is that I can write, lose guys so I can write about them.
Slip.
Here they fall through my hands just like sand from beaches.
Might sacrifice one night, wake up with red bloodshot eyes, but this poem would be beautifully written.

Most never liked me, RIP.
I had my eyes on them, but they never looked at me.
Most I’ve never talked to, RIP.
He was my realest, but he turned out to be just another poem.

Drip
I hear rain on the windowsill
I guess the good thing is I had fun with him
Crack
I’m broken again
I’m smashed along the edges of my first shattering and that’s along the edges of extreme masochism
that I let my heart break to write this poem.
Drip
Water’s dripping off my face, I’m in the shower.

The view of glass breaking is painful for the eye to see, but now I know that real beauty comes from broken things.

Will this be my best year, best year?
I’m at the frontier of golf courses, where the sun is up and blinding and the hills are green.
Will the next one stay here, stay here?
Will he call me beautiful?
Will he not succumb to the spell of fairytales snapping in the soul?
If I find him I think I might stop being a poet, a poet.
Cause happiness didn’t bring me to my notepad.
If he wants, I’ll write him a poem,
but it would be pretty bad.
Cause I’m only good when I’m lonely, lonely.
I never said I love you to a man.
I never had a man say I love you to me, only that I was hot and he wanted to **** me.
But if I do I’ll find beauty in being with somebody else, but for now I think
that beauty comes from broken things, broken things.

I’m so ******* high on stardust, I inject glitter into my bloodstream.
I live in no fairytale and that a prince won’t find me is highly likely.
I only write stories about longing, after all that’s all I feel.
But I’m good with the pen, have a soul of a poet, I’m creative.
So I grab my calligraphy pen and I write your name in cursive, then I take one breath and write mine next to yours.
It’s an untitled story, an unpublished romance and I’m not sorry for any nuance woven into it.
I take his proposition.
Ask my everwishing soul to speak sweet compliments like someone playing the harp.
I polish my blue eyes like sapphires, let them sparkle in the glow of big round emeralds,
and that is the start.
That is the start.

Where do I continue, I wonder.
Friends first or lovers, I ponder.
For realism I’ll make it meander and weave in a couple of tears wet nights so when all the lights turn back at them, he would grow fonder and realize he loves him so much.
But my pen is just an object, I’m the object of some grand plan, I’d try to paint what I crave so bad, but even the greatest painters fail, cause love is hard.
Play my song, take a cruise under overpasses in West Oakland, California is home, but if he won’t come I think I won’t go.
And that is the draft.
That is the draft.

After many ripped out pages and grenadine flavored drinks, I can’t write the conclusion.
I don’t wanna be there yet
I don’t wanna skip past that
I don’t wanna climb that high
Cause if I fall, may not stand up.
I leave my calligraphy pen, shut the pages provisionally, then I get undressed and swim in the glittering stars.
And that is the ending for now.
That is the ending for now.

I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers when he texted me.
The time was a minute forty four on “**** My Kiss”.
He gave me the second best day of my life.
Second after my first night at San Gabriel Blvd.
And also the second cause it didn’t feel unreal.

On and on I’ve hushed my heart and day by day it wept in dark.
My lips felt heavier than metal to raise
to say what my heart wanted
but my head had all the say.
I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers and half a day away
to let my heart scream and yell and shout and say whatever the hell it’s been holding in for two decades.
That was the realest I’ve felt in my life.

I was thinking of letting my heart break a little when he texted me.
I was ready to just let myself run it into madness just to feel something.
I knew it would hurt
but pain is better than nothing.
On and on I’ve told myself to shut up and wait for someone to like me
cause I’m not likable when I’m trying
but I did something crazy
at the moment of writing this - 1:55, I don’t even trust the flow of my life anymore
I look for the catch, cause this is better than I’ve ever had.
Or maybe I’m a little lovesickly paranoid.
I hated to hope, hoped it would get better and I hated that though.
I made God a promise, if he gives, I’ll find the better in me and on and on I’ve watched them walk away, watch them vanish like smoke till one prayer away.
I almost tried to find a way
to find somebody to fill the gap - it was either that or I’d crush my numb heart in my hands, just to feel something, even if it was pain.

I’ve never shown a guy I like him until he texted me on minute 1:44
That number must mean something
like the date of the day that my very soul could see a light in that tunnel
and I think it’s divine providence that I walked through a tunnel that night
the night that my heart felt something other than pain and it was more beautiful than beautiful, it was perfect.
As of writing this poem, a day after the second best day of my life,
I don’t know where I’m going.
And I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I’ve never felt this real.
Here’s a note to future self, I don’t know how things will play out.
But I’m glad you …… .. ….
I’m glad you let him into your heart, even if you didn’t know if he wasn’t going to break it in half.
I don’t know yet if he ….. ...
What I know is I …. ….
I showed him that I …. ….
So future self, intact or not
Just know I’m curious to hear it
I hope you’re happier
I’m happy now
I finally opened up
I’m really proud.

A woman named Grace once said she was afraid to love and the same thing terrified me.
That I didn’t love myself I knew, but the thought if something grew around mine and someone else’s chests made me run and don’t look back.
I was afraid to love.
Scared to unveil my heart.
I was afraid of love.
I was…

I pushed 18 when they started asking, and I kept saying I was looking, but I wasn’t
and that was a white lie for them, but something larger for me.
It’s that I didn’t trust me.
I didn’t wanna change, but felt like I had to, cause when I saw myself I knew I wasn’t meant to hear “I love you”.
It’s one of those things easier said than heard.
I was afraid to try, mind at bedlam, hugging ferns.
Looking for comfort in the trees.
Discovering beautiful things.
I love the overgrown pond outback to name one, but that’s not the notion of it
It made me realize one thing:
Everything’s beautiful in its own peculiar way, and so am I.
I was terrified.
But now I’m like
I’ll give love a try.

A woman named Grace once said she ran from things she feared would **** her.
I was scared of riding horses like her,
let alone deliver my heart to a man.
I was scared but I’m fearless now.
I’m high on oxytocin now.
I was scared to open up like her,
to spread myself open like a book for him.
I was scared but I’m fearless now.
I’m drunk on his memories now.

And maybe it’s a bad thing.
Maybe I’m stupid again.
Or maybe this was destined,
destined to happen to me.
And maybe I was meant to open up.
Maybe I was meant to conquer my fear.
Or maybe I was on the right path,
one where love doesn’t scare me.

I was afraid but I’m not.
I was afraid but now I’m not.
I was afraid of love.
I was…

I’m your boyfriend, not your devotee
This ain’t a cult, this ain’t a church,
Your name’s not written over me.
I love you but you’re not my everything
cause when you’re down I lose the ground under my feet
the sinkholes spread, can’t fill the gaps, can’t but I need
and yeah, I’m falling too.
And who’s meant to save me then?
I need you, but you’re not everything I need
cause when it’s too hard to love you I can’t rest my head to sleep
when I close my eyes you’re the prettiest thing I see
but I love you to feel free
not wait for you to leave me,
cause I can’t commit anymore.
Not to look for a reason to leave you for someone easier to love
and it’s not cause I’m too afraid to start from scratch with a foreign guy.
I’m your boyfriend, not your attorney
I love you but you’re not all I think about.

I’ve been thinking about relationships lately, I think I see it now, I don’t want a brighter light, I want someone equally ****** up, someone who has it worse than I.
Someone all over the place, gullible, no offense, head in New York, but heart left in California, someone who loves what I love, stars-and-stripes-minded.
I don’t do what’s typical of me, I don’t catch feelings easily, I’m changing, I’m running from soft penitentiaries, I don’t admit I’m catching feelings, I don’t want a part two.
Love wronged me once, it was one-sided, I’m bad at holding my horses, running away from them, thinking I’m better off, somewhere off the Golden Coast in a cheap apartment.
Working the tables, someone once said it was possible, he made it, I haven’t yet, I don’t think, I get going to get that plane ticket and take a gamble with my life.
I’ll fall in love eventually, tell him about what I want and if he wants the same thing, then this is the meta of our sufferings, pack his things, wait for him to hit me up.
I’ll be walking by Barnes & Nobles with somebody’s hand in mine one way or another, I won’t be a father, only a disappointment to many but a hero in my eyes.
I’ll find someone whom I’ll love more than America and I’ll find a way to make it work, if we sink we’ll go Jack and Rose style, sinking with the ship.
Insomniac on the stoop or with a cup of cold tea looking at the flashing lights of the city I love, worrying for the man I love, thinking Sylvia by the stove.
But I’ll be the opposite of suicidal, high on ******* oxytocin coursing through my body like fire, that’s one hell of a reason to live, to be someone’s go to person to cry.
I’m channeling Joni Mitchell, I can’t conceal emotions, listen to “Song For Sharon” by a bay in my mind, clutch the wrist of my dream life and pretend I’m alright.
I see blur when I think of the future, I see palm trees through that blur, if you shiver thinking ahead, marry me, we’ll tremble together, naked in the glass room.
I try to be nice and be the light in the tunnel, but I’ve got like one day left, full disclosure, I’m so into you, because we’re not that different, actually quite resemblant.
We’re equally passionate about what drives us, but baby there’s like hundreds other people like us, if you’re not the one, whatever, I’ll be alright either way.
I will always be fine, I think that’s my curse, cause I overthink the simplest things, I refuse to die, I had pericarditis, I thought I was at the end of the line.
But I’m resilient, I’m faithful, I’m not letting go of the core of my heart, but I’m leaving the door open, turning a blind eye, come in with your problems, entry here.
I’ll listen to you cry, I’ll surround you with my arms, give you safety and be all ears, this is what I like in guys, not posing to be strong, I’m standing with open arms.
You have my number, but don’t live rent free in my mind, I got problems, rock and hard place, I’m playing a game you can’t lose or win, I’m stuck, but it’s essential I do this.
I’m out there looking, searching with my head up for someone who’ll call me pretty in my worst times, not tell me to be smart, but be reckless with me.
This ain’t a family thing, but I leave if you don’t make me stay, my heart’s like a river, often goes different ways, I’ll give you everything I have, I can promise that.
I have no heart of steel, but it’s not paper either, I want the **** out of the things I love, I’m possessive and that is my weakness, I can’t have everything I like.
And I want someone just alike, be adventurous, get on a bike and ride to the sunset, won’t drink and drive, I’ll be high on love hormones, wind brushing my blond hair aside.
Yeah I want that, someone who’s not afraid to cry, not be alright, cause I know if I’m ******, I’ll get ****** and it’ll be fine, I wanna be taken care of sometimes.
I want someone who knows what they’re doing, guy with experience and beautiful eyes, cause I’m a lover of beauty, admirer of Mother and Father’s grand creation.
I went on vacation to America, I saw LA, and Vegas and San Francisco, but that was the happiest I’ve felt in my sorry life, I thought afterwards I’d be fine.
Don’t understand why not, I had nothing else to live for or so I thought, I ran like set on fire when I caught glimpse of love in the rear view mirror of the black coach.
I think I want a new thing from life and that is to commit to a thing so impossible but doable and needed but scary, relive it’s what I feared so I ran, but it was a treadmill I ran on.
I’ll find a way to connect with somebody, comparing the bullet wounds of words and deeds done to assassinate our feelings, my thoughts are with me all the time.
I’ll be fine if I try, but tonight I’m alone in my room, no attachment to nobody, kinda loving my body, but I’m not loving my scars and resentment, he maybe’ll help me.
I’ll be good as long as I’m with someone who’ll understand why I can’t call nobody up like I used to, I’m chasing quite different dreams these days.
Who knows me, they get I don’t bend or break, I’ll stand tall beside him like sequoias from King’s Canyon, California, it means a lot to me when I see that in a guy.
I’m waltzing through *******, it washes right off, I’m unphased, not unhinged, not desperate but I’m feeling as though I’ll need someone soon or I’ll cry.
I’m never returning to my ways, I’ll be back in the States, I don’t know when, I don’t know how but I’ll be there, mentally I’m there now, in a Rosemead motel room.
I’m flying to the moon on a spaceship, Major Tom, I’m in space, I’m a goner, I left my telephone, I don’t wanna be contacted or contradicted, I wanna cry.
But not exactly cause I’m sad, cause I’m not, I don’t cry about wasted opportunities or wasting my life, I don’t go to parties, I don’t dance, but I sing lullabies.
I wanna cry because I’m no longer dead inside, I said I wasn’t afraid of anything and that wasn’t a lie, I know what I want, kiss him on his lips, talk about PTSD.
It’s tragically beautiful and beautifully invented, two souls once tormented now fly high like kites torn away from children’s hands on windy days, fly super high.
I’ll be fine when the time is right, I’ll find love, I don’t care if I’m two guys or a million off, cause you learn all your life and trial and error is how you determine your destiny.
I’m not giving up, I’m quite getting started, America I’m coming home, fireworks lit when I land in whichever airport I choose, that’s not important, I’ll be fine.

I keep a few bucks for a rainy day,
just in case I fall too hard for you and I’ll think I can’t escape.
I keep them for a fortune teller’s say
so they’ll divine our souls’ whereabouts in a couple years.

I don’t wanna chase
My legs and heart are sore
I don’t wanna chase you
If I will never catch you

But if you take a glance under all of my layers
Climb over the fence that’s immune to prayers
I’ll love you
I’ll give you every smile I have
I’ll love you
Like I should’ve loved myself.
I’ll love you like a painting when you’re 60 and your beauty’s fading.
I’ll love you like I love Amy.
I’ll love you like Red Hot Chili Peppers love California in mañana.
I’ll love you like I love Lana.
I’ll love you when you lose yourself and whimper like a baby.
I’ll love you like I love David.
I’ll love you from a booth in the Midwest if all we’ll get is calling.
I’ll love you like I love Joni.
I’ll love you when the trees are naked and they’re green and leafy.
I’ll love you like I love Stevie.
Because it’s ****** to walk alone
Alone at heart at lonely roads, so listen:
I’ll love you like I should’ve loved myself
You make me feel exceptional, but I need a tarot reading
You make me feel unique, but my heart and legs are weary
I’ll love you if you let me love you
if you hear the desperation that I so don’t try to hide
and with those few bucks I’ve been holding on to
I’ll buy you something sweet - you seem the sweet type of guy.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

This is divine providence
Heart shaped arrows tipped with strophanthus
This is not deliverance
Love potions leave you with a bitter aftertaste
Now I’m waiting for summer to come
Now I’m grateful for no roses in my house
I didn’t assign my soul to another
And I didn’t confess when I wanted to
This is divine providence
I know from a gypsy in Providence, Rhode Island, provided I wasn’t jinxed.
I’m still up for Portsmouth, New Hampshire, slowly dance eyes up, still looking at the wandering stars above.
This is divine providence
This is no coincidence
I don’t know what to believe
Amidst cosmic ambivalence
This is divine providence
This is divine interference
I can see it clearly now
This is divine involvement

˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩
˚:✧ ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩
˚:✧ ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆*˚✩

For the record, I don’t give a ****.
I haven’t given one since the day I dropped “Hollywood”, really.
For the better, I don’t push my luck.
I haven’t had a lucky streak since the day that never came.
For the record, I’ve never had a movie night on Valentine’s Day that turned into a French kiss marathon under the projector
I’ve never sat abreast on bleachers with my head on someone’s shoulder, feeling normal, listening out for a taco truck, ******* hating the heat but loving the breeze.
And loving the track he thought was fire enough to share with me.
If I were to share one, I’d play “Thinking Of You” by Sister Sledge, be like “I love the lyrics, they make me think of you”,
but I never got to say that.
The only thing that ****** me raw was life and it wasn’t even that good.
It wasn’t addicting.
It was nowhere near good.
For the record, I’ve never been to prom and I’m blessed to not have gone.
I wouldn’t dare dance my own way and my way is taboo, an elephant in the room.
Not even the scent of my perfume or a wine topper going off could give me confidence to be honest with myself,
to stop being an average bystander just to become part of the background or a meek voice that’s sinking into traffic south of El Sereno.
I don’t want what’s expected of me, please stop asking.
Find me out at El Camino, but please stop writing my life for me.
I don’t wanna have kids, I don’t want a wedding.
I don’t want a “wife plus kids” happy ever after package.
I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want this.
For the record, I’ve never had a Netflix session gone ****** and my favorite memory is my first day in LA.
I’ve never kissed anyone in the school’s restroom and then ran out cause our song was on, was part of a party’s tracklist.
That’s why I’m setting the record straight, I’m done showing a facade that’s fake.
The only thing that ****** me was life and it wasn’t satisfying
I liked smoking more
but I’ve only smoked five cigarettes.

I think I’m alive to have butterflies
run around like a sociopath with my butterfly net and like every one I catch
be like “You’re so ******* beautiful, but I have a hundred just like you”
this is me being honest.
I think I exist to have eyes for guys
change them like clothes when I find better looking ones that don’t suit me anyway
Oh, lord have mercy, I’m simping my way into my grave.
I think I’m alive to be all smiles
I’m a ****** of adrenaline that gets me hyperventilating and dilates my eyes
Keeps me up until 3, forces to contemplate what I’m losing and what I can save
Oh, lord have mercy, I’m ******* my way into my grave.
He’d make me sing like na na na na na.
*** on bleachers, hearing Bananarama.
Sit next to me like “Ayo, Lana Banana, where’s the smile on your face, today’s mine or your place?”
These cheerleaders have sun bright futures, all I’ve is decay, but you, Juan, you can take me to your place.
I don’t want ***, I want a hug. A friendly face amidst these *******, a seat next to you in the back of the bus, this was supposed to be my heartstopper, what went wrong?
I got to feel like Charlie for a day, now I’m the gay cousin, it’s official, my heart’s wants are superficial, phone’s still not buzzing.
I used to be interrogated at family functions about my love life, I had none to little.
I used to ride in the back of the school bus with all the coolest people.
I have a bi pride flag baptized with a water cannon by a drag queen in a fabulous orange wig.
I sang Lady Gaga on a pride parade, I saw a cute gay couple and it made me think why not me?
But then I thought that one day it will be worth sitting alone and keeping love confessions at the tip of my tongue, believe me when I say I deserved better.
This year I’ll get the luxury of living a life.
I pray for it when I lay down in bed.
For the record, I want everything I never had.
To be honest, if you’re on board, just don’t be delicate.

The higher we go
To space
The freer I feel my baby
You find my hand
The heat
It soothes my aching head

All the rains are gone, I’m listening to the hummingbirds
All the skies are clear, I spin, watching the dance of planets
Because you know what makes a man like me happy, baby
I’m beside you, bedside blues but I’m undressed

I love the moon
The sun
The stars like I’m Daenerys
You make me shine
Brightly
And so I feel like I’m the greatest

Tell me truly, did you know you were falling for a stargazer
I hope you know, I’ll picture us both in the stardust chasing
The shooting stars as they dash and we would be interlacing
Into a cometh that others would see

All the rains are gone, I’m listening to the hummingbirds
All the skies are clear, I spin, watching the dance of planets
Because you know what makes a man like me happy, baby
I’m beside you, bedside blues but I’m undressed

Maybe in the space we can be together
Maybe in the unknown I can be yours forever
Maybe then I would be perfect in your eyes
And I wouldn’t have to try not to get lost in starry skies
I stand proud like a statue of a god
Tryna get you to join my yerba mate club
If you come, know I got you till the sun stops
Be your bed gargoyle and watch you through the night
You ***** me like a lightbulb and I shine
Aloft I feel when you push me high up
You make me who I am so I stay by your side
And I stay the same
Except now I’m not

July is the month of storms
The bolts that haunted me last night
Lit up the sky like glass shatters
And I was in fright

June, I burned myself like thorns
The heat reigned all over inside
My home and the concept I fathered
Bloomed like a bird of paradise

Or an oxeye daisy, crooked but beautiful inside
Season’s hot like Hades, ain’t weird that I still cling to the fire, fire, fire
After all I’m crazy, and I’m the leader of my own life
My man drives a Mercedes, he powers it with those golden eyes, eyes, eyes
Sweltering air looms over town
And thunder was so nice to me
Thunder was so nice to me

Alanya was burning in the night
As I danced in an on-deck foam bath
I feared I’d end up smoking burned
Instead I swam in a blizzard of ash

They talked the winds would spawn a twister
To harvest all of my joy like a reaper
But lightnings were lighting above my writer
And so I wrote all the danger away

Am an oxeye daisy, crooked but beautiful inside
Season’s hot like Hades, ain’t weird that I still cling to the fire, fire, fire
After all I’m crazy, and I’m the leader of my own life
My man drives a Mercedes, he powers it with those golden eyes, eyes, eyes
And his golden touch
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

(But you know it)
Thunder of love rolls into my bed like a typhoon and it makes me sad
How they know who you are
But you know it
Nothing as extreme as love could ever wreck me senseless and it makes me glad
To still love you despite that
But you know it and you do nothing with it
Yes you know that I love you in spite of it

July is the month of storms so electrify me

What are you in eyes so blue?
Iron gate that’s cold, inflexible
Fragile like ice on a pond
Yet it’s hot as it melts in my palm

I’ll never ebb to the foot of our bed
I’ll never walk over the threshold unless
I’ve filled the room with your favorite scent
I’ll make my clothes smell like my precious man

In the summer of my life I was burning
charming
like a God.
But when the colder times came in hotly
I gave up
and I was lost.

In the rhythm of philosophers pondering on the lawn
with the kitchen radio on
watching stars go by at dawn.
I resign in the fashion of determining my home
and the next chapter will come.

In the spring of my life I was thriving
I was beautiful
like lotus.
But when redwoods’ leaves began falling
so did I
but didn’t die.

I gave a speech about Amelia Earhart last year - and how we both flew over the Atlantic Ocean in the pursuit of our dreams.
I’ve always soared high in the air
feet off the ground
head in the clouds
My mind was everywhere.
I mentioned a dream that defined me and pointed me through the troposphere to LAX.
Cause before I was myself I was a dreamer
reckless, but still anxious about ending up like Icarus or a fool without a flying license
or ending up like Amelia Earhart - disappearing over the churning ocean and hearing a lotta nonsense about what went wrong with me.
Cause I’ll stay with you on the radio over future flights
Saying “Over, baby” just to grasp a little stardust from the sky when it’s lit by stars
cause now you’re my LAX.
And since then I’ve dreamed of Skid Rows and diamonds.
I’ve flown like water and watered their palm trees, a silos.
The transition was clean
no bruises on my soul to keep.
No fear of flying into the blue
Cause when I come out
I land over you.
And I think of false alarms and motels in the desert now that the tan’s come off
I will continue to dream large
having seen dream and life merge
My makeshift wings I will clutch
as I’m running off the edge.

Call me cute if you wanna
but just so you know you won’t be the first one.

Call me hot if you wanna
but just so you know someone already has.

But if you call me yours
and I extrapolate the right idea
that maybe I deserve to have my turn
it’ll enunciate to me the answer.

Mind-******* feels good
but have you ever been called lovable?

I call my men babies cause they are
I call you on the telephone - your number crumpled up
I grasp it tight.
I never meant you bad or ill
I’m just too wild to grasp
You think of me like dream
You’re ******* right.

Freesias
Gardenias
Roses
You’ll only realize I’m gone when I’m withered
Dahlias
Azaleas
Orchids
I’ll sing my song if you pour me a river

I call my man baby cause he is
I call him on the telephone - I’m down for the count
Need to be held tight.
Need something more than goodnight
Need something higher than high life
You’ll only realize I’m sad when I’m withered
So pour me the great Arkansas River.

Grandparents took us to the fair “I need a penny”
I said all sweaty in joy, grandad said “I don’t have many
more. But go on and play along”
Now I’m sitting at the ice cream shop in love, one I miss every day
I’m waiting for the walking green, woman at the florist’s ties a new bouquet.
I think of North Carolina and the South
Think of all the things I couldn’t live without
but now I do
Now I can’t function without you
I walk by the fair, your touch over my hand and I think of how I have everything I want
and how I wouldn’t trade you
for an extra penny or a ride-along.

Should I reach out? I’m too scared old babe
You switched it up living it up in black suede
wedding dresses.
South is where you’ve gone while I stayed on my way
Dyed your hair hot pink and smoked your life away
in Chanel jackets.

My perfume says “Black Suede Leather”
I’ve worn it once in saddening weather
It made me ablaze like a candle that was dead
It made me glad
to have been who I have been
and who I am.

Saw you saw me in the Old Town where we used to live
I backed away from camera flashes, oh you loved them camera flashes
Love being the center.
Know you saw me seeing you, yet I didn’t say a word
And now it’s been four summers since the door shut on its own
But deep down inside, the part of me that’ll never change - I hope our ice cream shops turn out the same
I hope the heatwave could make us both synchronized - and perhaps we can make up for the wasted time.

But for now I’m wearing “Black Suede Leather”
I spray it on in scorching weather
It makes me reminisce about
how scent wears off and roads lead south.

Let’s slow dance in the smoke of cigarettes
rain pounding distantly on the windowsills
Do it like them all, cigarettes after ***
Do it like Brooklynites, do it for ourselves

Let’s walk down the Bowery
dust from ashtrays falling
we’ll pretend that it’s snowing
hum some David Bowie
or Leonard Cohan’s Chelsea Hotel #2
but only if the traffic cannot see us through
I wanna take a trip to 1972
dance in the smoke of cigars, only me and you
Dance in the smoke of taxis, smoke some Malibus
Dance in the smoke of cigars, only me and you

I wear an engagement ring on my left hand and not to figure out what it feels like to be married.
It belonged to someone dead or alive or nobody.
I wear your jeans jacket to feel not just warmer but closer to you
I crave something physical
more than sexting when time slows down
but feeling what you felt
breathing the same air
and hearing the sound of your voice in the morning, when I have more than calling
sexting
“boring”
I wanna be yours forever.

I don’t wanna get anxious when I see you calling
“Pick up, idiot”
“I’m sorry”
But I’m cute or at least that’s what they say
I listened to “Diamonds And Rust” earlier today
And I thought of the rust on my ring and then it made me think
that our love can withstand corrosion
heavy rain
erosion
So I kinda wear it to sleep now..

I let them watch my spiral from an angel to a *******
I let them talk ****, now I’m immune to it
First you love that I’m depressed, then you’re mad I’m living life
You think a dehydrated man wouldn’t chug on water, like?
I let them watch my spiral
I let them watch my climb
I let them watch me cry
Now I let them watch me live my life

I wanna be there for you
Wear something shiny for you
Be there at 7 regardless of the season and not disappear like Golden Gate.
I wanna give you everything
but I have nothing to give
Except say “I love you so much” and if I could I’ll give you golden
rings to remind you we’re married and that I won’t fade like Golden
and Bay.

I remember what we did
in the city by the bay
We walked through Chinatown
to a jewelry store off Clay Street
Two blocks away from Hilton
I bought a beer opener with the bridge
that we cruised under when the fog was thick
I could see the golden pillars
I could see your smile unfolding
And since then I didn’t wanna see it fade like Bay or Golden.

Baby figured I was sore so he poured me a bubblebath
Brought a Bluetooth speaker and played my favorite track
Said I had to soar
To feel the clouds under my feet
Said I needed to spread my wings
If I dreamed of breaking out of here

Baby realized I was scared so he pulled the sun right up
Made it bright as day and blew away the caliginous clouds
Gave me a fair start
So I could fly where my eyes can’t see
Gave me a relevant reason to stay
And that was breaking out of here

So I flew
And I flew
Till I was sore
I looked behind
I’ve ran away
And we were happier than ever since