after years of concentrated thought
i still cannot fathom the words
i need to convey
exactly how i truly feel.
all that i have managed to uncover
is that regardless of the matter,
i just can't seem to be happy.

take me by my hand,
take me through these streets,
take me up and around spiraling stairs until we reach your apartment's
abandoned rooftop.
take my breath away as we stare at the billions of lights and lives below,
in awe at the wonders
this world can create.
show me what it's like to feel special
by painting my existence
as it's own single light,
that helps brighten
this secluded nighttime sky.
make me realize that without it,
without you,
this world wouldn't be as blindingly beautiful.

i want to explore wet concrete streets
at 2 am while staring at
twinkly reflective puddles
that help illuminate
this reoccurring nightly dream.
i want to witness this city
as lifeless as can be
so that i can hear the buildings whisper that being alone
and being lonely
will always be two very separate themes.

saturday was the day you left me
the day you walked straight out
of my life using the back door
you made me unlock after
it was shut tight due to
years of broken trust
and an isolated
heart.

slowed breaths and an aching heart,
shrivelled tissues and torn sleeves,
suddenly don't seem to exist,
suddenly don't seem to matter anymore.
because you've reached that moment when the world just explodes,
when you can't contain your emotions a second longer,
when everything you've ever wanted to say comes spiraling out in a jumble
of mixmatched words pocketed from years of love, hate, isolation and determination.
when you feel uncontrollable,
in a good way,
when you feel reckless,
but powerful,
when you feel so incompetent,
but on top of the world.
everything that's ever ended on a low note has been tuned up so that high voices and beautiful noise is all that you'll ever speak or hear again.

you want to run away,
you want to feel free,
feel wanted,
feel a sense of belonging.
you want to go somewhere that people won't judge you for the aching words you cry out at 3 am,
or forget about you simply because you find bliss in life's simplistic beauty.
you want to travel the world
and meet people who do too,
meet people who's smiles don't outmatch yours but instead make it brighter.
you want to feel like the most careless and careful person out there,
you want to feel like you matter,
feel like it doesn't matter if you don't.
you want someone,
anyone,
to decode some of the nonsense your messy brain paints pictures of
and maybe someone to splatter some of their own onto your canvas too.
you want to argue with someone in an aggresively calm way,
and you want to find someone to make you hurt so painlessly that it's beautiful.
you want to find and utilize every gift you were born with
and to take up useless hobbies that will make you feel alive.
but most of all,
you want to find someone,
something,
somewhere,
to help you rediscover what it feels like to not just exist
but to actually live.

i have a voice
yet it's hardly ever heard
drained out
washed away
existence nearly always forgotten
no matter how loud i scream
how much i breathe
how red i get
the crackling in my voice
and the tears down my cheeks
just don't seem to be loud enough for anyone to hear.
maybe one day
all the noise around me will fade.
maybe one day
i won't have to scream to prove that i am worthy of something more.
maybe one day
a whisper will be just fine.