panic rises again
I'm an ******* and I know that.
truth
was never one of my strengths
not even
towards myself.

I yearn for cernity
but I don't really trust it
for I am too afraid
of pain I'd have to face.
The pain that I'm causing everybody else by that is simply another truth I won't accept

a beer would be nice
maybe five would be better
I regret this

intensely

Sometimes I think, I don't answer your messages
just because I don't know what I want to write to you
besides
that I would prefer not to have to write
and instead
want to be
with you.