I LOVE YOU
i love you from a far
i love you from the pictures we took
i love the way we used to be when you upheld the lie

I WANT YOU
i want you near me even though i know we can't
i want you to hold me and make me feel safe again
i want the lie to be the truth

I HATE YOU
i hate you for keeping up your lie
i hate you for how hard i fell for you
i hate you for i cannot get rid of those feelings

I LOATH YOU
i loath you for still wanting to be in my life
i loath you for moving on
i loath you for all the pain you caused

this hurting i feel
is the last piece of you i get to hold close
so i know therefore that i will never get over you

i will never be the one to wake you up with a kiss
i will never know what it would be like if were able to love again
i will never know what kind of life we could have had.

I FORGIVE YOU
i forgive you for leading me on
i forgive you for loving me; for i loved you too
i forgive myself for loving you

be on time
be there
make sure he knows
tell him all the time
try not to be too clingy
try not to make a fool out of yourself
- Why is he not responding?
leave it, its probably nothing
- I am worried
about what? he is just with his friends..
- That i am too much too handle
- That i am too much of an effort for someone
- That i am not enough
- That he takes no intrest in my day
- That i do not talk to him after he finishes work
Wow, you ******
- I dont want to be
- I am afraid
- I am afraid that he will regret me
- I am afraid that he will leave
- I am afraid that he might thinks i am too needy
- I am afraid with everything i do / or say
- I am afraid he does not realize he is IT.
- At least he is for me.

something inside takes me over
in the blink of an eye
smuthering my clear thought with anxiety i cant not be freed from
my mind takes me to places where i think i did you wrong

did i?
do you not have any regrets at all?
not even a single one?
about me?

i feel alone and misunderstood
i feel as if i did or said something wrong
''Express it to me'' - you say
but expressing these terrifying thought to you
is worse then admitting that i am scared to lose you

so i cry and hope you reach out to me
after all, you said you would.
you said you missed me too but what if i read between your lines and therefore i misunderstood?

insecure as a tanktop on a 'big girl'
i feel big
I do not feel pretty nor can i understand how you could be in love with me?

the best time is when i am with you, because then my thoughts do not wonder. i feel safe and loved.
so why am i thinking this way?

Hi there,
When I say how are you?
I mean to say thank you.
When I say Fine and look into your eyes
I mean to say thank you for saving me

And what I mean by that is this:
My story is not a pleasant one.
I carry it all on my body
The abuse being my strechmarks,
The pain being my scars,
Every mole I have will tell me a story
And none of them were pleasent

I self-harmed, self-medicated, self-taught everything that made it all worse.
Let the makeup become my day to day mask that hides my pain from the outside world.
Let the partys be the good excuses to self medicate in alcohol and drugs, for that was the only way I would not lay in bed alone, sober, with my thoughts.
I let the warm bodies of men become my doctors for when I would need a check-up. And I needed them a lot.

Then I met you, and from that first moment our eyes locked I stopped thinking about the check ups from the warm bodies, the sober thoughts i couldnt handle without my party excuses and the way I wanted you all to see me.
The first thing you said to me was 'Its okay, I see through your wall'

With those words you have changed me. made me want to have fun, but with you. I let you brake down my wall without any struggle, as if i were an animal which just came out of hybernation. ready to start again, to start fresh.

While some time has passed now, you have created a distance. you said you needed it and i was fine. no, i wasnt fine, i just said i was fine cause i wanted you to believe that you have 'fixed' me. with every unanswered phone call and every message left on read. I BREAK.

My heart turns into thousand little mirrors which you break again one by one with the push of the off button on your phone. you repair those pieces with your superglue. your superglue is hot and steamy but unreal. After healing me again you leave me. AGAIN, this time for good. And i am left jet again with what is now a million pieces of mirror. the reflection will never be the same.

So I go back to the warm bodies from who i need a check-up to tell me I am still beautifull. even only in that moment. So I go back to the clubs and make excuses for my self-medicating ways. So I go back to the safety of my makeup so no one will know how broken I am.

And still, I blame myself.

She feels alone in a crowd
She laughs at the wrong things
She prays to none
She listens to the voices in her head
She doesnt do meal plans
She always forgets
She never forgives
She.

This she could be you
One of these points reflect back to yourself
She is all of us
She is none of us
She is a daughter
She is a mother
She is a goddess

She is me

So far, so near
How come i feel unable to breathe when ur not near.
Nearly there thats all we say,
We both know here, this land, is my place to stay.

You say you want me to be around
But there are plenty that wouldnt clown around
For no specific reason at all i loath you
Just know it is your desire for me that drove you

You lied when i told the truth,
You cried seeing me happy on facebook
Telling me to puton some **** for you,
Nah, i think ill pass right after ill put your *** on blast

Keep me in the dark,
I dont want to see your true self.
Never mind me asking,
But why did you needed my help?

You called me a princess,
You said i changed your life!
But all this time you were waiting for me to open up to you.
So you could beat your ''wife''.

Sometimes i sit in the dark,
Its the only place my mind can go free
The only place without any burdens
The only place with terrifing memories.

To not be able to come out of the dark,
and just step into the light.
It aint that easy to lower your walls down
and keep my head up with pride

Because what pride would i have left?
When my experiences with men are unpleasent.
If i were to go back
and let him hit me

Again with the bruises,
again with the pain
I cant take it no more,
need morphine to ease my pain

I TRUSTED YOU
you betrayed me
you knocked me to the floor
while swearing it was to save me.

Who were you, lost betrayed.
I left you, i should've stayed.
Your story ended, harsh slow.
As you sat there weeping "Where did you go".
I walked out, angry afraid.
It wasn't your fault, I pushed you to far.
My storys ending, alone depressed.
I sit here silent thinking "you were everything"
I'm coming to you, painless escape.
It was always my fault, I should've stayed

Its not my intention to write whats on my chest but still i find myself not beiing able too stop typing everything that i feel i need to say.

I cared!
I loved!
You didnt care!
You didnt love!

YOU BROKE ME
TRULY YOU DID

So to the next man i say;
Dont save me!
Cause i dont wanna be saved.

You-
make me wonder
make me turn
make my heart unable to feel this burn
no, wait
stop
go on
there's just this one thing i've wanted to say for so long

until the moment you will release me from your grip
my heart will be unable to feel anything at all
i just hope you realize that what you did to me
for me comes with a heavy price

a burden on my heart,
but actually a relief.
now that my heart has been turned to ice
i will never again have too feel this kind of grief

I just can't help but wonder;
Is there anywhere i belong?

I'm trying too live my life right;
But its like a maze with no direction

Im sorry

If i hurt you in any kinda way
I just want you too know
that when you look at me
I aint the same

Im trying to be the best that I can be
not to mention its our loves that drives me
Im changing for you and me

Im taking a chance on responsibilities
Please don’t walk away ill be a better person
ill promise you that
but remember me and all the things that we’ve shared

Never believed I could feel this way
but uptill now you keep provin me wrong this way
again I’m sorry
it aint easy for me to open up to you

Even when I know
you will never do me harm
its my inner self that had been damaged
way too far

Again,

here I go and try to make excuses
but I keep on remembering the pain from the bruises
Felt like I needed to be strong
But it just hit me

I’ve been strong all along
I guess I just needed to be reassured
it wasn’t my fault that my body was his burden
such a long time ago but still so short in my feelings

Its been a long time but my wounds are now just healing
Its like im stuck in a room with no door too flee in.
but If I fled its just another room
im going insane over not being able to deal with the past.
im going crazy
hope this feeling doesn’t last

Make it stop
make it stop
I don’t want to feel
all these feelings inside of me that just wont heal

Lord give me strength, give me attitude
for maybe then I will never again be treated like a *******
what was I gonna do?
was in no position to step away from him too.

I guess that now you can say im doing alright
I've found a man that loves me
And keeps calling me his wife
I find comfort in talking too him
He makes being with him feel like home

So only when im away i still feel alone.

To love and to hold is something I never could.
I did not feel appeal in beïng misunderstood.
So I grew tired of not controlling my own life.
I knew I had let myself become an option.

But if that is what I am to you then I do not think I have the will to go against it.
Because beïng with you is so much more than optional for me.

So I ask you again!

What is it you want? What is it you need? Am I JUST one of many?
Or should I just be pleased with the time granted from you?


x--