All it took was one gentle swift against the wind & I would be plummeting to a world where I would never get to swiftly take my feet off the ground & call it a night ever again.
It was scary thinking about the idea that life is just a code word for death & almost everything I have ever physically or emotionally touched has more significance than my touch ever will.
Life reminds me of all the ingredients a smile is made of & why it takes so long to perfect it.
My existential past, present, & future are all calling out for me now, but my vulnerable mind is nowhere to be found.
I have never trembled so drastically before.
I want to continue my stay to further my research on all of the reasons why humans have never picked me first in gym class, or why love has never reached out to give me a helping hand, or why my name was always at the beginning of the sentence that always ended with smiles turning into bruises & bruises turning into unwelcome memories.
Life is a joke, yet it has the only punch line that has ever terrified me.
The feeling of drowning has always made me think of what the true defintion of home really is.
I'm so scared, but these tears won't be around much longer & that's really the only happy thought i've had in the past few years.
A young boy once asked me what the meaning of life was, & my answer has haunted me ever since there was life before death & the only look I gave him was a look that even lightning would turn its back to; the only look in my life that has ever made someone other than myself fear the unknown; this is my apology to that young, innocent boy's eyes; this is my apology.

Writing this has made me realize 5 things:
1.) You can't run from air, no matter how bad you want to stop breathing.
2.) There is no such thing as being "fully gone", even after you think that you have found your escape route out.
3.) Writing your feelings down onto pieces of paper doesn't necessarily mean that people will all of a sudden come running to your rescue, apologizing for being themselves, & beg for your forgiveness out of pure love & regret.
4.) Not everyone can be the hero; but you must soon realize that just because you are not the hero doesn't mean that you are the villain.
5.) I'm not afraid anymore.

Caressing touches
with carefree friction
hang heavy with promise.
I am going to hell.

Between our bodies lies a running joke
treading back and forth
until the punch line gets old.
Meanwhile our laughs disturb heavens
and I cry to gods.
Ironic.

I stand naked before the mirror
discerning which parts of me you changed.
My body pronounced me woman.
My face reminded me too much of a babe.

I lay there waking
Ever sleeping
Ever simply dreaming

For simple dreams
Do seem quite real
When upon waking, sleeping

And what's to say
That when you sleep
You do not also wake

Some strange world
Among strange worlds
That is our own to make.

So when you sleep
Or when you dream
Or always while awake

Or when you see the other worlds
That you think your mind makes.
What is real and what is not
Depends on what's at stake

So dream a dream upon a dream
And make what you will make
Sleep while you're awake.

I ask myself a question
What question had I asked?
I don't know how to answer
I don't remember the past

I can't remember thoughts
Or looks
Or names
Or faces

I can't remember anything
But books
And pain
And places

I struggle with my memory
It seems to have just quit
I remember struggling with something
**** it, what was it?

She
Hair
Skin
Talk
Smell
Walk
Hands
The makeup of your space is perfect
Rightly assigned a quiet gender
Making right the wrongs that seem
To poison your mind
This is not your burden
You clip your own wings
Is it heavy upstairs
In the wonder of all thought
With these two Eyes
With these two Hands
I was so quickly connected
It has been forever since then
Since words last past between us
Did you feel that?
The movement
                           What is this tendril of consciousnesses?
                            The pinprick of light in a sea of black
                             So suddenly passed into this strange moment of (life)
Soon Will  it pass
And Will I lie with you beneath the soil
{the brightest of flowers
will grow from the pit of my guts}
Life unto life it seems
From this side I find it hard to tell
Yet fools say they know!
They call it faith! A thing so pure
Is filthy and stained
So we give you a name
First and last
Tell you of history
Sit in this class
Grow up thinking
Something is missing
So we fill it up
With drinking and kissing
NO That is wrong
I KNOW WHATS RIGHT!
FOLLOW ME I KNOW
WHERE YOU'LL GO WHEN YOU DIE
TO A GRAND PLACE WITH TREES AND SUNS
or
if you don't believe me


you will burn in ******* hell