My creative nature torments me
For all the moments I let it just sit there
Growing stale, but ever calling

I sit on my hands
They desperately reach for paintbrushes
I cross my fingers against pallets of color,
My heart soars

I hold that magical instrument against my chest
And I scream my music
Let all of it pour out of me
Streaming all of my torment

For my eyes get stuck to moments
That others won't see as beautiful
But to me, they are everything

A girl against a colored wall
Nobody understands the need I feel
To express is all

My father was an artist
He was Johnny Cash
He was Elvis

Every photo of him was
Black and white
And I'd cry at night
God how much I missed him

My mother took me to mountains
Where she'd hold my hand and
Tell me to sing as loud as I can

My father gave me my Martin
My Art and Lutherie

And before I knew chords
I strummed that guitar
Hoping somehow he'd hear me

I owe them everything
Every bone in my body
Because of them
I hear symphonies

When I think about the way I let you feel me
And how you hurt me like they said you could
How you left in the moments they warned you would

I kick myself for the secrets I told you
When I held your hand
Standing under streetlights
When we weren't supposed to

So now im supposed to forget you?

You're a stamp on my back
I remember you when I take off all of my clothes
You're stained into certain street corners, certain weather

You always liked me better without glasses
Perhaps you knew of their rosey color
Well, I see now what you wanted me to be
Which was actually what you always were to me,

A persona.
Nothing but a persona.

You made me feel like a beautiful, brooding girl. You made me feel like you were falling in love with me. The star of some documentary: The Most Interesting Girl in the World.


I loved the way I looked in the reflection of your very dark eyes
How you made me into some untold mystery

A thousand pounds presses down,
Upon me and upon my chest.
Prevents my breath and drags me
Deeper, into the depths of the cement.

I beg for you and for your arms,
To rock me back and forth.
You beg for me
for any sort of effort
To push forward

The issue is inately within me
There's nothing you can do -
But hold me, and forgive me -
For all that this puts your through.

How you frantically
clean up the bleeding,
While I constantly
apologize for needing you
the way that I do

But you say you knew this
When you met me,
The mess I'd been through
You'd fall in love with me twice over
Despite the burden I know I am to you

Your arms are so strong around me
For a moment, though it's fleeting
the heaviness is leaving -
Though it's slowly,
I am breathing

The weight is at least, a little bit less
Last night as you held me, I wept
So safe in your arms, I finally slept

Baby's breath
Innocence
Soft and delicate
Fragile
Porcelain
Gently lay you down in a bed of flowers
That I will not call a grave
But on the note I'll leave, I'll write
I'm sorry I could not save you

I don't like having friends
They're far too full of consequence
I am a fool, and unconvincing

I cannot shut my mouth for the life of me
For every word that pours out
There's a knife in the back of me

That's the pain I feel
Like KNIVES
That's the pain I feel

You pose a question
I grasp at it desperately
I'm so afraid to answer it incorrectly
So I throw out ever detail and story
Hoping something I say will connect
Will explain

Like maybe if you could see me
Like REALLY see me
All that has been and all that I am
In my entirety
That maybe you could see all of my flaws at once, but each one would leave a trace
Some deep rooted reason or far removed place
Some trauma that tainted me
Maybe it would save you from blaming me
Like I blame me

I'd hate to think that I was responsible for this mess barely standing in front of you.

I want to wake, up
But not beneath this heavy burden
That has bled my bones
So tired and uncertain

But the birds
Build nests above my head
And they hold their homes together
I mimic their every thread
But I, unravel altogether
I need rest

I need a safe place for me to lay my head

I want to sink
Somewhere deep beneath the ocean
But I'll reach, my arms tall
Like the trees that tower over me
With their roots so planted deep
In the waters that are drowning
Let me sleep

Let me be

Laughing and crying, like a maniac
Driving faster and faster
With my school friend the passenger
She asks her to kindly slow the the car
She's afraid now, and she wants to go home

But these roads are dark and deep
Mama feels the need to drive them fast
To drag her car across her past
Before it traps her

Like a thinly stretched rubber band
Bound too tightly not to break
"Let her pick her poison"
"Let her pick her pain."
"Don't look at her that way."

The radio plays "damaged"
They ask if she's alright
As she bursts into tears,
I say "she's like this all the time."

It's late, I know
I promised that I wouldn't call
I just need to hear your voice
Need to know that you're alone tonight

All I'm asking for,
Is one more lie

I hate that it's so hard for you
To conjure up a tear or two
Tell me it's not all in veign
Mourn all the years I gave to you

Let me save a single moment from the drain

All I'm asking for,
Is one more lie

Tell me I'm your person
It's just one more lie
Tell me I don't deserve this
It's just one more lie

All I'm asking for,
Is one more lie

On her way home, Mama saw a man Stranded, standing on a corner of the road
There was something about his eyes
She thought she saw "home" in them

"So get in the car."
She said "I know a bar
Thats not very far from here."
She opened the door, Barefoot
He fell in, and she let him.

He asked her why she picked him up
So carelessly and unreluctant  

A few nights in a hotel
A few days on the road
When she remembers,
A quick phone call to home

She says that I'll understand when I'm older
The lengths she would go to for someone to hold her

But in the end,
He was just like him
Spitting image
Incarnate

Left her
With scars on her body
Drove off
With her car

Still, I cannot look her in the eyes
To say I told her so
My Mama loved so many men,
On her way home

Oh what you all must think of me now
When my heart sinks and my lips part to form a scream Though I know
No noise comes out

With all my mistakes
I often lust for leaving
Long for drowning
To wash away the permanent headache
Sending waves of humiliation
Through my entire frame

I often replay every wrong word I said
Second guess my second guesses

Try to retract my misplaced reactions
Settle scores I've carved against my own skin
Determined to paint over this portrait
This ugly depiction

I feel so low that I dream of dying
Just to erase the slate that haunts me
I hate this familiar basement of friendship, where your words are twisted and your intentions misrepresented. Everyone leaves me -again, saying I am poisonous. And a very deep part of me believes that
Maybe I am.
Poisonous.

And after so many times,
How can I not begin to question,
Is it's truly me or
Or is it them?

A whirlwind of strange
I've never spoken like this
And had someone know it like you do

I could fall in love with you
From your letters alone

Finally
Someone is speaking my language

My beautiful, terrifying, secret
Language

I've had this cloud of thoughts
Not fully assembled
Yet you see it all at once
So orchestrate the symphony

You know I will not yell it
So you try to translate
Like a childish game of telephone
Where the meaning dissipates

But I don't always mind,

As long as you are
Speaking my language

The girl cried, "Wolf!"
But nobody came.
So the girl cried, "Wolf!"
Again, and again.

Into the dark, into the flame
She met with the wolf
Again, and again.

She ran, and she ran
But they stood still the same
The girl cried, "Wolf!"
And nobody came.

"You just need one solid friend I think"
He said to me while leaving

He can't be bothered by my welled up eyes, he won't stick around for the **** to break. He is not strong enough to sit with me in the crashing waves.

"You just need one solid friend I think"
He said to me while leaving

Don't you have anything else to say to me?
After all of this time
Had I fooled myself thinking I could be one of your kind?


But you looked so perfect in the light
I half fooled myself thinking that
I could dance, I could be the cool girl
In your trance

I was only dreaming
Of you
Only dreaming of being
One of your kind

Please don't look at me with those eyes
I can't take how badly I want to believe them