I wake up every morning hating you.
And then, every day, I forgive you.
I work hard to forgive you.
I bleed tears to forgive you.
And you have no idea.
It's not just mornings, either.
Sometimes I hate you in the afternoon.
Sometimes it's when I get a moment alone in my room,
And I just wish you were there,
So that I could take you by the shoulders and scream,
"LOOK AT ME!"
Sometimes I write you letters that I throw away,
About how when you told me you weren't a good person
I already knew
And how this doesn't surprise me
And how I hate myself for not minding.
Sometimes I hate you at night, too,
And those nights are the nights I dress well
And go out
And find somewhere with loud music to pound the loathing
Right out of me.
Because I hate hating you,
But it happens every ******* day.
Oh, you have no idea how hard I work
To stop hating you.
But mostly,
Mostly it happens in the morning.
Mostly I wake up with a chaotic ball of tears and rage sitting
Just under my sternum, in that little hollow spot
Like barbed wire all crumpled up.
It wakes me up at 6
When my alarm is set for 8
And I wish I could scream into my pillow
But I never do
Because it would wake my roommate
And because there are two things I never shed for someone who ignores me:
Tears
And screams.
So I grit my teeth and try to steal back my morning rest
And I toss and turn and curse and
Imagine
What I'd say to you
If I had the nerve to tell you that
You're a fool, and that
Everyone I love
I hate just as much
And that this was why I used to cry when I'd look at you
Because I didn't hate you yet and I knew
These days were coming and I just wanted
More time,
And that they all could have had just the love
If they hadn't tried to get rid of it
For "my sake"
And that they've all tried before and failed and so I know
That you're never going to force me not to love you-
You're only going to force me
To wake up at 6 am
When my alarm is set for 8.
And eventually I get up,
Fuming,
Knowing you'll still be on your crusade to **** this up
To make yourself unimportant,
Knowing that no matter how unprepared you are to be important
You have no choice,
But you think
You do
And so I get to deal with your headlong escape attempt
From an imaginary prison
And wake up suffering at 6 am
When I could be asleep until 8 and then
I spend all day
Carrying that tangled, seething ball of hurt,
And breathing deep and smiling serenely at it
Like it's a child,
Because I'll be ****** if I'll let it have any more of my life,
And
I spend all day
Forgiving you for every moment when I am not worth the effort it takes
To press down a few simple keys and say hello,
And
I spend all day
With your silence and my memories
Trying so hard it hurts
Not to hate you more,
And you
*Have no idea.