As I lay motionless, watching you watch the tv screen, I remember how much you mean to me. I remember how much I hate rhyme schemes and when you don't pay much attention to me. How I love your smile and the way you get so passionate about the simplest things. I enjoy that part of you. You don't feel like you owe me something. You make me laugh because you like my smile and not because you feel like you have to. I have seen the glimmer in your eyes when you look into mine and I am reminded that those are the moments I live for. I've never written in my life as much as I have while being with you. I think that means you bring about my passionate side about the simple things. I'm scared of the dark without you in it. You make me feel safe and I don't know what I would ever do if I lost that part of you. I don't know what I would do if I lost you. Someone could come along and show you parts of yourself you've never seen, like you did for me.. You can fall head over heels in love way more than once, but I hope the one time with me is all you'll ever need. But if one day, I no longer make you happy, I will do my best to adjust to a life without you.. But I hope, oh god I really hope I never have to.

I count down the days until the things that get under my skin decay me and I am left with nothing more than a stardust heart. These days blend together like water color courage and turn into something like acrylic coated love but I can't seem to make my soul worth selling. It never occurred to me this currency is something I have to base my being around but it is the sun and I am merely just the earth. Learning how to live, one rotation at a time. I will never stop spinning, and nor will my head because even when your heart stands still, it actually doesn't. The earth continues to orbit and the stars continue to shine night after night after night and so do you. We are the galaxy and the planets, all in the same hands that feed the mouths that are eager to learn and soak up knowledge. I have learned that nothing comes quickly or on time, nothing is ever planned. Everything is obsolete and ever so inept to stay consistent. So let these winds change, and the sky turn to gray. Let the sun take a break from chasing the pale on your skin and open those wide eyes and believe that not everything is worth knowing. You have to understand that you can't understand it all. Some things aren't meant to be seen, some words aren't meant to be spoken. So hear what you will and see what you want, because none of it makes a difference in the end. We all are subject to change.

IVE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING. Ripped out my ******* heart and handed it to you on a silver platter and what don't you understand about that? I did, for you, the most vulnerable thing someone can do. So never treat me like I'm ordinary because you control the one thing that drives my emotions. So when you're lonely and missing me, remember that's where I am at every moment of everyday. See everyone feels things differently, but why do I feel for you a love so big it's the entire country of Russia? When you feel for me, well a love that's grand but I'm not sure how grand because you've never actually disclosed the information. Why is my love so big and so consuming that it turns me into someone I hate when we're not together? My anxiety without you is like your 8th grade best friend out to be exactly like you, but yet change everything about you so she can go behind your back and steal your boyfriend, while then making sure she ruins everything you've worked so hard for. I'm never sure if I have multiple personality because I become someone new every moment anxiety consumes my being and wears my skin as an overcoat, and uses my ego as a umbrella from the storm that is my train of thought. I DO NOT FEEL NORMAL. But does anyone, ever? What I'm trying to say is that, I love you. So don't ever take that **** for granted because I will become the Kanye West and Miley Cyrus of breakups. I will be everywhere you look even when you don't want to see me. All I ever wanted was to love someone and have them love me in return and now I have that. This feeling is the best worst thing and I'm trying to manage as I go. Loving a mentally unstable person is never easy, but ****** you try your best. I have to learn to love myself the same way you love me and I am taking small steps, but I am still moving forward.

You've over-stepped your boundaries for far too long, so I took sides. I drew the line you crossed and you just blew it instead. I gave you a dose of your own medicine and you starting enjoying the high. I began to wonder when exactly it was you lost yourself, so deep inside someone else. Tears became sobs and anger became overwhelming and you still stayed for a reason I'm not sure of. Wondering where we went wrong became my downfall and I wasn't sure what to believe anymore. You take the words from your throat and paint them over sinister skylines and I'm not sure you even know the meaning of a lie. Every truth had become unfamiliar and every bond became broken. I tried to get you back to the person I knew, but somewhere along the lines you became hollowed out by your vices and got lost in what you thought were escapes. Now I worry for your safety and mourn for the person you once were because that's not who you are anymore. I'm exhausted trying to decide if the words slipping from your lips are credible or if you'll be indebted for the rest of your life. Strength in my bones I have attempted to carry the weight on your shoulder and made them all into mine, but the load got too heavy and you were left with nothing, watching as I struggled to save you. I haven't got a clue left on what to do. But I will mourn for you.

Never feeling anything became my safe haven at a young age. Most days, the only thing I wished for was some reassurance, or some kind of mild affirmation. My days were spent bottling emotions because where I come from, feeling things gets you nowhere. The sickness that overcame my mind became who I was. Negligence molded my personality and I wound up in more compromising positions than I can count on both hands. Naivety became someone else's malevolence and my imminent downfall.

Recently, I have learned to feel the things I've always kept bottled up- so these emotions are new for me. When the wave of sadness overcomes me it's never just that; it's crippling and exhausting, and hard to manage most days. I never just feel something simply. Anger is always rage, jealousy is always extreme envy and insecurity becomes suicidal tendencies. This is all so new, and i'm not sure it will ever not be because I've spent 18 years hiding every single thing I felt for the benefit of someone else. Now these bottled up extremities are flooding over me like a tidal wave I cannot escape from. This is my high tide and I wish I could make you understand.

You come from love, attention, reprimanding and affection. I come from neglect, dollar signs, bruises and empty bottles. Where there was a vacation or a trip, there was a 4th grader walking an entire cruise ship alone in the middle of the night. Where there was affection, there was a command shortly following. I don't want to let my past effect my future but it's made me who I am. I will never apologize for who I've become because I don't exactly know who that person is. I cannot fault you for your flaws, even though they are little to none. But I am forever wishing these actions of mine didn't seem so foreign to you.

You were the first boy to buy me flowers and they weren't roses like all the other girls get. They were the colorful, cheaper ones and I liked that. That was the first time I realized that you knew me, a little better than I knew myself. I was terrified of you. Not in the way that I thought you would bring me harm but in the way that I knew you would make me happy and I didn't think that's what I deserved. I made you sad because I knew I couldn't ever be happy, but then you found love so I guess it's okay. I'm still trying to decide if I am finally happy because I'm not sure exactly what it feels like. I cry a lot, I guess I always have except when the alcohol masked the pain. But I didn't want to go down that road and now every time that sip hits my intestines I get sick. I guess it's for the best, isn't it? We were always meant to be friends, because it's simple. And this love in my life now never is. Maybe I was meant to be who I am now, in order to grow from who I was because I've never really liked myself. I'm not sure that part of me will ever go away. I guess being a friend is the only thing I don't **** at these days. I hope that part of me will always stay.