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a m a n d a Jul 2018
the simple wearing
of a white coat
does not necessitate
that one has earned
the white coat.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
sometimes,
you can keep
trudging forward.

other t i m e s
the whole system
collapses.
a m a n d a Jul 2016
you,
with your copper
        and green
such a silly
*******

hiding
      your day
365
  and i want to know

what's the matter,
grump?

slinking around
with your
    secret day

i can be
thankful
       you live
any
**** day
i want.

now you will
   never know
when it will come

when i will
       bring
       the focus
  to your life
  to your years
  to your days

silly
  birthday *******
i will
      light a candle
for your minutes.
a m a n d a Nov 2014
little concentrated
    pool of pain
*i know you
a m a n d a Jun 2015
it doesn't matter
who i love,
or hate.
it
just matters
that i am.
a m a n d a Feb 2014
there is an exquisite blue bird
    from another realm
deep in the trees
he is elusive
and beautiful beyond compare
he shimmers in the light
black
a deep blue
     hints of the finest most delicate feathers of
peach and yellow
he sings a song for his mate
   an unearthly humming
a soothing introduction
and she is his.
  he is gentle but his body moves
with skill
    vibrating a show of luminance
texture, and color
he is brilliant
                 how does a drab female
        win the attentions of one such
as this?
a m a n d a Aug 2013
i cannot tell you
    how many well meaning
eyes have looked deeply into mine
   as lips questioned,
"now what are you doing for you?"

i find that such a bizarre question.

i don't know
   staying alive?
avoiding death by
  getting maimed
malnutrition
  the elements...
isn't that what everyone is doing?

what people are looking for
is something more like...

girl, let me tell you
  pull your chair closer
(said in a conspiratorial way)
these disasters couldn't have
happened at a better time!

i've been taking my
  government cheese
paying all my bills,
  going out to dinner every night
you know i got a life coach
a yoga instructor
and a therapist?

yeah
i have a lover for
every day of the week
i get a massage every wednesday
and a pedicure every monday
because i deserve this me time

what the ****?
what am i doing for me?
what are you doing for you?
a m a n d a Apr 2014
i am blunted
i am    
     f l a t
(but not about all things)
in fact,
i find myself quite hilarious
when i speak of sword-fighting
people to the death
you cannot feel blunted about something
   and simultaneously have a desire for
   fantastical violence
someday,
someone will understand
   my flair for dramatic words
   my disorganized thinking that
can only be worked out with rambling story-telling
someday,
someone will understand
   my utter despair and hopelessness
   the massive curiosity about the universe
that plagues my sense of being
in the meantime,
i build mind walls
when thoughts stray
in a regrettable direction
   i add bricks to the mind wall
   surrounding the phantom
   heartbreaker
      soul-crusher
   betrayer
      liar
   hypocrite
you know, the usual cast of characters
(growing at an alarming rate)
i visualize each mind wall
each phantom
each misdeed
and i visualize bricks getting stacked up
hiding the phantom
blocking all thoughts and feelings
blocking all memories
rendering me flat.
rendering me blunted.
but sometimes mind walls
erode slowly or
explode suddenly
and then i say crazy things
like for instance,
i may challenge someone
to a duel.
   or declare my undying love.
or my most blatant disgust.
after word explosions
comes wall repair and
silent fury.
a m a n d a Aug 2016
i only write
to know
   my place,

to bend
the edges of
   the pages
so that
i can remember

what this
life
was all about.
a m a n d a Oct 2013
i'm no drama queen
but
jeeesus

i am on a roll

what in the
hell
is going on?!

things have gotten
pretty **** exciting
up in this piece

for one,
i can't seem to
shut my trap
words are just
tumbling all over
the place
and i don't know what
to do
other than to
pick them up
put them in order
and fling them
into the interwebs

the second i know something
i don't know it
so i don't know, man...
just don't take life personally
or some ****

slight detachment
and observation
of this bizarre
circus
i find myself in
is sometimes
really ****** funny

just move along...
nothing to see here, people!

i feel like an animal
in a zoo
surely someone is
watching me flail
and flap around
gripping tight the master key

but that doesn't seem funny.
           now i am not amused.
              and i don't believe it.

something important
is just out of my reach
but i think i'm getting closer

i don't have answers
for any of you
do you have any for me?
other than knowing that
i don't know ****

this is it.
cast out fear and man up.
or at the very least
pretend to do those things.
then you might
have something to talk about.

also,
there is no changing people.
like, for realz
but that is a good thing
i won't try to change any of you
but i will challenge you
because i'm a bull
on a rampage
i'll hold your feet
to the fire
i'll hold your face
in my hands
and look
in your eyes
and i will know things.
you can't squirm away
from me so easily...
i know too many things

so let's just all
hold each other's faces
and look into eyes
that are not our own
and be happy about that.
a m a n d a May 2016
(here i am)

i prattle on
sending questions
presenting observations
requesting answers
but alas,
you are no fool.

you fall
for nothing.
yet you take
everything.
a m a n d a Sep 2018
you lit my fire,
and no other fool
has been able
to do it since.
boy
a m a n d a May 2014
boy
walking
   eyes on me
   eyes on me
what about her?
(i mean she's attractive)
        but she's not  l i k e...
the sound trails
  blood drains
(laughter)
what am i not, boy?
   i can guess
but i will not
                 not
                 not
a m a n d a Jan 2021
i suddenly know
what i would make
for you
(if i were a person
that made things
for you)
a m a n d a Sep 2017
i guess i
find it strange
the way
people i d e n t i f y
and q u a n t i f y
their existence
according to
a version of
a brand of
the divine,

greatly chosen b y
influenced b y
geography and
  family ties.

and i'm sorry, but,
it cannot be
that everyone is
simply describing
the same
phenomena with
different w o r d s
      like a version
           or an update
   or an accent,

because although life
is grey, some things are,
and some things
are not.

there is but one
merriam-webster
dictionary.

dictionary.com also
defines words,
even the
same words
but they are
distinct entities.

they live under
the umbrella of
    a bigger concept
about words
   and language,

they are versions of
explanations of
a more
e l u s i v e
construct -

the word.

and you cannot even grasp
exactly what
  the word is,
because it
depends on
so many factors.

yet most
grab onto and cling to
the first dictionary
thrown at them.

others might exist
and even be
similar,

but you know
you have your favorite,

you are a
brand loyalist.

and the product
is

reality.

which is fine,
i guess,
in and of
itself

as long as
you can admit
that Kleenex is
the best and
Puffs is for
losers.

sure, you might smile at
the Puffs users and
even bring them
a meal,

but deep down inside
you know that
   you are right

**and they are wrong.
a m a n d a Jun 2014
i will break in
the coming together
i will break
against the falling apart.
a m a n d a Oct 2013
i want to break bad,
but i'm too lame.

i think i would rather
sleep
sleep
sleep
(if i could...)

hide and hibernate
cover myself in dirt and blend
in with the trees
and  birds and squirrels

i don't know how
to break bad
and do something new

so i fill my mind
with stories of
robots
monsters
and ordinary men
that do magic
ordinary women
that are fierce and bold

i scribble and write and cry.
and who needs that?

no one.

i don't know how much longer
i can keep this up
retreating into this empty space
...because now i feel
like i deserve it
like i should
be in this miserable place

i want to break bad,
become a ****-head
and a big ol' ****

i want to break bad
and be satisfied
with meaningless tasks

but i can't

and it's infuriating

because banging my head
against this wall
hurts

i don't know if i can get out of this.

i don't feel like i can survive this.

but every day i try not to
think any further
than the moment i'm in

or else i will be
s l a m m e d
with panic
and terror
and a sense of helplessness

i want to break bad.
i want to have clarity.
i don't want to be alone.

**i don't want to be alone.
a m a n d a Jul 2014
whatever comes together
falls apart
so why start?
why start?
a m a n d a May 2017
i know that it seems
like now is the time
to hunker down
in the dark
with some keebler elves,

but if i can teach you
just one thing
it would be that
now is not that time.

-

now is the time
for r i s i n g.
now is the time
for crushing fear.
for beards,
for drums,
and an annoyingly
confident disposition.

i know it doesn't seem so,
bruder,
but i know more than you.

i can see the you
that you cannot see,

and i am telling you,

**now is your time.
a m a n d a Aug 2013
why does
the world have
to look so
beautiful sometimes...
sunlight filters
through trees
kids fling water
up from the creek
to catch light in air
in my ear
smooth
spanish
groove
and it all
makes me
want to cry
because i can't appreciate
a moment
everything beautiful
is so f l e e t i n g
everything hard
and hateful
lingers
and sticks
you can't just
******* have something
good.
you can't.

during a melt
d
o
w
n

in college
i saw a counselor
that told me to face my fear of
the worst possible events happening
use my voice to project the probabilities out loud
would i lay down and die? doubtful. say what you would do.
it doesn't seem so bad when it's specific...
it's a cloud of random doom that seems unthinkable.
you realize it's all do-able
a little at a time
you will survive

but now                                            
that is where i live              
in the                              
subterranean gloom
with well thought through
foreknowledge of the worst
possible events
and my likely
miserable reactions

so i watch my life
c oll Aps e
and i want to
laugh hysterically

*******. *******. *******. and *******.                                              
what the **** am i supposed to do?                                                    

reinvention is jolly,
they say
Ha!

Bah - it was just a job
another will just POP up
any moment
HA!
                                                      ­  (someone seriously help me,
i'm laughing so hard i'm choking)


Gah!
who needs a mate?
not me!

solitary confinement
sure pumps out poetry
in extreme quantity,
this i will confess

solitude is good
i like quiet
  music  
movies    
writing
    reading
   wine

but pray tell,
do you realize
how many hours
there are
in
one
*******
day?
when your purpose is
torn from you?
and you are left to wander
the earth alone
to find a new life mission
or the least miserable substitute?

            have you felt the                          
    gut-wrenching longing
alone in bed
in
(utter silence)
night
after
night
after
night?
not for love past
but for love new
for lust
for touch
to not feel alone
in the world

at times
i feel like a
person made of
the thinnest glass
with some nasty creature
perched on my shoulder
laughing horribly
sharpest pin always touching me
hammer always raised in the air
ready to strike.

whatever.

you're going to tell me everything is going to be fine, right?

yeah.
a m a n d a Sep 2020
i just realized
i followed my own self
into the woods
and that makes me happier
than words
can possibly express.

for the
first time
someone has
pointed me
back to myself.
a m a n d a Sep 2018
you know you're poor
when the closest thing
to a vacation
is buying $2 candle wax
called "calypso sands".
a m a n d a Nov 2022
do you, all covered in gold
curse the day
you met me?

a seed in a stone,
the blood and the sand.
a m a n d a Jul 2022
you don’t even know
about the endless bass,
the shifting shapes,
this internal energy.
my god,
all the lines drawn.

you don’t even know i’m
an octopus,
a living audiowaveform.
a m a n d a Apr 2017
it's probably
     h i g h time
we crawl down
from our perches
to survey the rubble below.
a m a n d a Feb 2021
once you’ve lived
with a cat or two
any item in the periphery -
a towel, a purse, a sock
becomes a still creature,
silently watching
a m a n d a Apr 2015
what i know
as a palpable truth
masquerades
as choice
through the
eyes of others
a m a n d a Mar 2014
seven hells, man!
i was just getting started,
you **** fool!
do you know what that means?
i walk around with
scandalous thoughts of you
a perfectly innocent look on my face
the inside of my lip raw
i had ideas,
you jack ***!
...waiting for boldness to overwhelm me
...waiting for the spring air
    to come in my window and
      make me wild
you deserve a good slap
if you deserve anything at all,
devil above me
devil behind me
devil below me
a m a n d a Jan 2020
| Y | O | U |
should be
l o o k i n g
for me.
a m a n d a Aug 2014
i've been working
on this  a r c h i v e
carefully placing          
           all things.

i've been sadly constructing
this  r e c o r d
         of  love
for many many days and nights

hey you,
   i've been creating this  a c c o u n t
of your deeds              
of your quirks
thousands of words

you, with that  f a c e
i've been putting together
this  p l e a
of my t r u t h    
my honest to cosmic things truth
  
i would lay it all
                    at your feet
if i could
but i guess i'll settle for
screaming into
the void.
a m a n d a Aug 2014
silly
      silly
          silly
since last we met
        i haven't thought
          about you once...
no, not once.
a m a n d a May 2014
that cool feeling of
leather-hard clay
going over and over it
with your fingers
patiently (desperately)
slipping new pieces on
burnishing
scrutinizing from all angles
the heat
the waiting
the care
the cracking
the glaze
the inevitable end.
a m a n d a Nov 2022
i dreamed a dream of you
an entire beautiful dream
a m a n d a May 2018
i finally understand why
he had to create
a whole persona
to explain
the
phenomenon.
a m a n d a Feb 2020
i advise you to
   pay attention
to this singular flow
follow it, go
in the age
   of advisement
vibrations will guide
  the pull
of the tide
the dilation
the size
    the always goodbye
a m a n d a Feb 2020
(intergalactic medium)

i’m pretty sure
   that the u n i v e r s e
is not what
we think
it is.
a m a n d a Jul 2014
you told me to        
     m  o  v  e
                   on
and the farther i get        
from your light        
        the worse
i feel, love.
a m a n d a Apr 2018
something has
    l i f t e d
or at the very least,
- shifted _
a m a n d a Sep 2014
numb of mind
i drag thoughts of you
save thoughts of you
come to me

pulsing
like light
i die
*come to me
a m a n d a Jan 2014
if lucy
   is in the sky
with diamonds,

then i
  am underground
with rocks.
a m a n d a Jul 2014
i cannot believe
what you gave up
and for what?
*and for what?
a m a n d a Jan 2017
coming to the aid
and defense
of one group of people

does not

signal a refusal to
aid and defend
a different group of people.
a m a n d a Sep 2013
my strange abyss
   my muscle asylum

i breathe you in
   like the moon
       breathes in the tides

do not send me to my doom

take my pitiful offering
   and look upon me
     with favor

let me reside
   in your heart

i want nothing
   more than
      to bend my ear
         to your voice
            alone

quickly...
   the days
      are growing
short

i am covered
in
   copper
         bliss
       see my
  metallic
shimmer

and lead me
into the woods
a m a n d a May 2014
you may not
   even still be covered in silver
you could be cruising
in black
   how would i know?
     (though i think i see you in the vapor)
everywhere
      though i can find you
nowhere
and there are things i thought
   i had that never were
      and if you want to find me
look in the ether
a m a n d a Aug 2019
i'm expanding outward
in many waves,
or many ways.
a m a n d a Jun 2014
crazy lady on a bike,
so pretty?
so pretty?!
then why so lonely,
crazy bike lady?

tell me the things
i need to know to
reverse this spell
of reflection | rejection

pretty is as
pretty does
and pretty does *nothing.
a m a n d a May 2014
(strange bird)


i think i might be
a strange bird
with strange ways

i still want to buy you
a piece of polished wood
isn't that strange?

even though I thought you
were different
(but you are not)

disappointed i had to
[declassify]
    downgrade your status
for the second time.

but crazy is trending
and i can only see out
*i can't see in.
a m a n d a Apr 2022
in a time like this time,
when it appears
you have been plunged
into a winter
that will never end,

when winds howl
and shake your foundation,
sleet drives itself down
and everywhere you
look appears bleak,

know the beginning
is around the corner.
the sun will not fail you.
flowers are pushing their way
above the ground,
and new life
is about to emerge.

this is true,
both within the earth,
and within your mind.
seek it
and you will
find it.
a m a n d a Apr 2014
the things i want
[aren't real]
there aren't words to describe
a desire for
    a way to be
there is no way to say
that i just
          want
          peace.
a m a n d a Oct 2013
(and dealing with reality like a boss)

i don't know
why
i keep tearing
things down
and looking at
the pieces

everyone else
is building walls
and they don't seem
so naked
so raw

but i keep
picking up
weapons
and hurling them
at reality
instead of
constructing a
hiding place

i don't do this
because i am
brave
but because i
can't seem to
stop myself
i can't seem to
stop blowing
the roof
off things

but then i
look around
and all i see
is rubble

i should build a wall
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