funny, isn't it?
no one ever really thinks
about what happens
after a school shooting

someone has to wander
down each hall
and tear out stained carpet
darkened and then thrown out

someone has to clean the walls
spray down each brick
with disinfectant
cleansing away what remains

someone has to look through
old lockers
give jackets and folders
to parents

someone has to convince
everyone else
to come back tomorrow
that it's fine now

someone has to stay in bed

someone has to sit alone at lunch

someone has to have a substitute

someone has to reconsider
saying the pledge of allegiance

maybe sitting on
my bathroom floor
isn't as bad
as I thought.

I lean back
against my bathtub,
the feeling of cold tiles
against my bare skin.

my mind wants to think
my body wants to move
I want to run and scream
but I am numb.

I close my eyes
feel tears tracing my cheek
I don't want this
I don't have a choice.

I don't think of you
or her
or us
I don't think of anything.

the tiles are so cold they burn
my fragile heart and skin
your touch still lingers
like mascara stains my face.

you aren't here, you never will be
but don't you understand
that I can't take this
I never could.

you need to decide
if you're here or not
if you're hers or not
if you want me or not.

I see the world
suspended in your eyes
like nothing matters
nothing has ever mattered
but her.

her nails are painted
her dress is short
her heels are high
her laugh is obnoxious
and she's just like the last one.

she's nothing new
and nothing special, yet
you think she's different
you think she's beautiful
you want to love her.

while I sit and watch
as you love another girl
again
and
again.

and while she's at work
you hold me close
and tell me you're sorry
and that I have to go
before she comes home.

why do you tell me
that you wish things were
different?
if you really did,
you wouldn't be looking at her.

it happens every time.

I hold my tears
As I fall into you
Your arms so inviting
Your heart out of reach

I let myself dream
That you have always been
The one
For me

I know
That when the sun rises
You will push me away
Once more

And I will fall back

Back into you
And endless loop

I will never be enough
And I will always
Fall