I remember standing out on my front porch at exactly noon
I was wearing my pajamas and my hair was down,
Unwashed and wavy,
Framing my face and wrapping itself around my neck at the slightest hint of wind
I remember being nervous--
No, I take it back,
I wasn't nervous
I was filled with dread
I was barefoot out on the deck, holding a single plastic bag filled with your belongings
I gripped it loosely
Hoping that the breeze would blow it away
Hoping that the breeze would ******* away
In my other hand, I was holding a tall, full glass of tap water
And there was an apple in the chair beside me
Just in case you were hungry

I remember watching you make your way up my street
Your jeans were ***** and your long, dark brown hair was plastered to your face with sweat
Your cheeks were red
And your knuckles were white from clenching and unclenching your fist the whole way here
It must have been ninety degrees
But your flannel was neatly buttoned up all the way to your throat

I remember hearing your laboring breaths as you mounted the driveway
I remember reminiscing as I listened,
Thinking of all the times when your breath was hot and heavy on my neck
And how I could taste the sweat of your skin

I remember how your shoes beat a determined rhythm into the wooden boards of the stairs
I remember how far you stood from me
How I wiped at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweatshirt
And I could see your chest rising and falling through your flannel

I remember offering you the glass of water
And how you accepted it graciously
I remember telling you that I wished I could have provided refreshments the last time you were forced to make the inclined journey to my house with nothing but your two feet clad in cheap sneakers
I remember that wincing smile you gave me just before you put the rim of the glass to your lips
I remember watching you as you drained the cup,
Your head tilted back and your eyes closed

I remember you asking me if I was okay
And how that brought more tears to the surface than I had originally planned on showing you
I remember covering my mouth with one hand and shaking my head
I remember how you stepped forward and took me into your arms
I remember dropping the plastic bag and desperately wrapping my own arms around you
I remember pressing my body to yours as close and as tight as I could
For as long as I could
I remember feeling your heart beating against mine
And burying my face in the refuge of your neck,
Smelling your skin

I remember how you pulled away from me
And how I stared into your eyes,
Silently begging you to give me another chance
Silently telling you that I had changed
Because I had
But not in a way that would make you want to take me back
I remember watching you pick up the bag
And make fists with your hands as tears streamed down my face
I remember telling myself not to wipe them away
I remember wanting you to see them so you would always remember how much pain you had inflicted on my heart that day

I remember watching you give me a small, resigned smile
And watching you turn away towards the steps
I remember the word "wait" building up in my chest and clawing it's way up my throat and breaking out from between my lips
I remember how loud my voice sounded in the solemn silence
And how you flinched before turning back around to face me

I remember asking you for one last kiss
And how I noticed that your eyes were watering and your hands were shaking
I remember you coming back up those steps and taking my face in your hands and kissing me with all of the desperation I had been storing inside for the previous three days
I remember kissing you back, hard
And how you broke it off suddenly when I started to trace your lips with the tip of my tongue
I remember telling you that I was sorry
Even though the only thing I regretted was the fact that you had pulled away

I remember you telling me that it was okay and watching you wipe the last traces of my love off of your mouth with the back of your hand
I remember feeling as though someone had lit a match and had forced me to swallow it
I remember you reaching out and brushing the hair out of my eyes and tucking it behind my ears
I remember hearing you tell me goodbye even though it felt like there was so much left to say
I remember you walking back down the street and out of my life

Your love is foreign
Masked in genuine concern and affection
Your hands are as gentle as your words
But I am ready for the pain
I know that it is coming
It may not be today
But it could be tomorrow or any other day
I will not be fooled by tender ******* or sleepy smiles
I am ready for the unveiling
I am ready for you to tell me
That every "I love you" that has passed through your lips
Has been a lie
I am ready for you to tell me
That you're leaving me for someone with a better personality
Someone with a thicker body
Someone with more stability
I am ready for you to tell me
That you're moving on
And I am ready
To look into your beautiful amber eyes
And lie to your face when I tell you
That I'll be okay without you
That I'm happy you found someone who can make you happy
But I won't be lying when I tell you
That I always knew you deserved someone better

I do not deserve your love
Your gentle kisses
Your midnight wishes
I should not be the keeper of your heart
I am clumsy and fragile
And I hurt you often
With a steady increase of intensity
I cut you with my words
And devour you with my silence
As if spilling your blood could make up for all the pain I've ever felt
I am unfair and demanding
I am manipulative with no mercy
I am attention seeking with no boundaries
And I love you
And I think that loving you is the deepest wound
I could ever deal you
But I can't let you go
I can't set you free from my venomous embrace
Because I am selfish
And I want you to keep loving me
Because I've never felt this whole before

Every morning
When the sun breaks
Over the misty horizon
And crawls in through our open windows
I open my eyes,
Kiss your lips,
And tell you that I love you

You grin,
Kiss my forehead with your sleepy smile,
And ask,
"But, darling,
What IS love?"

You ask me this every sunrise
Just so you can close your eyes
And listen to me tell you

"Well,"
I say,
"Love is a rain-soaked notebook
Crammed with poetry
Written on diner napkins.
Love is an old, wooden box
Filled with letters
That have been buried in the woods
For hundreds of years.
Love is a cloudy glass jar
Filled with pennies and nickels.

"Love is the sound of a gentle thunderstorm
At three in the morning.

"Love is an abandoned cemetery
Where no one but the ghosts who are bound inside its gates
Are left to tend to the plastic flowers.
Love is an empty bed
With a carefully folded piece of paper
Resting on one of the pillows.

"Love is a blood-stained sun dress.

"Love is an unfinished poem,
Abandoned by both the pen
And by the heart.
Love is a desktop piled high with scented candles
And fat, unopened envelopes.
Love is stepping outside during a storm
Without an umbrella."

There is silence
Surrounded by the sound
Of your heart beating against my chest

"Is that all?"
You ask me,
Your eyelids fluttering
Fighting to stay open
For just another moment.

"Of coarse not,"
I tell you
"Love is so many things."

"Then tell me."
You say,
"I want to know them all."

"Alright,"
I say,
Concealing a smile,
"Love is an early morning parade
Led by butterflies and hummingbirds.
Love is a bleeding sunset
Struck by Cupid's arrow
And sinking below the mountains
To die peacefully in the arms of the earth.
Love is a disease
Spread by lingering eyes in a crowded room
And soft fingers
Dancing across cool skin.
Love is a demon that possess every soul
At least once
Leaving it broken and bleeding
But with a purpose.
Love is a prison run by criminals,
An asylum for the sane
Governed by unstable patients.

"Love is an apology
Crafted by the heart
And butchered by the mouth on the way out.
Love is a puckered, purple scar
That you have no memory
Of adding to your collection.
Love is a fire
Desperately trying to put itself out
With dry brush
And hot grease.
Love is a gaping, bleeding wound
That cannot be healed by stitches
Or by time.

"Love is an ocean of sailors
Drowning because they had placed so much of their trust
In their ship
That they never bothered to learn how to swim.
Love is a field full of dead flowers
Wilted and rotted to black pulp.
Love is a broken doorbell
With an idiot on one side
Who refuses to knock
And a deaf man on the other
Who would not be able to hear
The bell
Or the knocking anyway.
Love is an acoustic guitar
With three broken strings
And a hole worn in the side.

"Love is an empty promise
Fulfilled by happenstance.

"Love is a deep sea fish
That has known only cold, heavy water
And darkness
All his life
But still dreams every night
Of flying.
Love is a gruesome nightmare
That you are fortunate enough to forget
The moment you wake up."

I pause
I listen to the deep and heavy rhythm
Of your breathing
And I know you are asleep.
I shuffle and slide in the sheets
And tuck myself under your arms
Placing your hands on my bare waist

"Love is scary, and exciting,
And painful, and ridiculous,
And draining
All at the same time."
I tell you,
"But it's worth every second."

I close my eyes,
Kiss each one of your fingertips,
And press the palm of your hand
Against my beating heart.

"I love you."
I whisper,
"Now and forever."