efni - Hello Poetry

efni Sep 2020

to say that my hope is restored;
that i now desire life and i believe
in my healing would be lies.

so i know i don't want to live like this

but the truth is,
i really don't want to die like this either.

01.09.20

that's reason enough...for now.

efni Sep 2020

hope = fear

white is indistinguishable from black
when everything has become grey.

01.09.20

i can't think of one without the tint of the other.
in contrast to my poem "hope / fear"

efni Sep 2020

the thoughts

they don't 'swirl like storm clouds'
and they don't 'fade with time'

they roll around heavily
crashing, cutting and burning

shredding your mind
and ripping you inside out

with a bitter laughter at
the irony that you are

your own demise

you don't cry this pain away because
they don't drown in your tears;
they bloom

01.09.20

nothing delicate or romantic about it.

i cannot recall a day when i haven't been weighted by thoughts of s**cide

efni Sep 2020

hope is a dangerous thing

hope is scarier than death because
both promised to take me away
from that place but

hope brought me somewhere much worse -

here.

01.09.20

hope failed me
hope broke me
hope lied.

efni Sep 2020

trigger

laughter, failure, hugs, kisses
spilled water, ***** dishes

loud noise, any noise
eyes of men, eyes of boys

pointing fingers, quick shadows
mirrors, memories, wet pillows

jokes, taste of raising bile,
fake smiling, real smiles

mean words, kind words
photos, mistakes, vision blurred

friends, touch, selfish choices
raised voices, any voices

hugs, failure, Jesus Christ
speaking, screaming, skin sliced

thinking, begging, singing, gasping
crying, breathing, fighting, being

26.08.20

all of a sudden, it's all too much
i need everything to stop, please.

efni Sep 2020

salty eyes

then, she closed her eyes
because though it wouldn't
stop the ocean from drowning her
she was tired of staring at
those endless waves

01.09.20

i thought writing was bringing me pain, but it's reading it back to myself that hurts so much.

my ocean of salty tears was burning my eyes but closing them didn't help either

so i'm back.

Aug 2020

John White

I just want it to end.

I just want it to end.

The hopelessness, the fear,
the constant critic in my head:
I've lived with them all for too long.

All I've ever known is this war, this endless battle.
There's nothing wrong with wanting it to end.
To wish that it didn't is cruel.

But why can't the best solution be the simplest?
Why do I have to keep fighting?

At times it's deafening,
and I'm so exhausted.

Why can't I just lay down in no man's land
and let this battle fall silent around me?

Why can't that be the end?

Because... I'll never know what's possible.

#depression #anxiety