The month’s about up
I didn’t think i’d survive this
and yet i’ve managed.

Drowning in salt tears
You took me out of the sea
Cleansed with faint kisses.

I am so grateful
For your patience and your help
I’m quite difficult

Stubborn, sensitive,
A hard person to console
And yet you managed

To remind me just
What it is like for someone
You care lots about

To exist, be real;
Fresh air inside my frail lungs
I feel quite alive.

I do quite enjoy doing a whole lot of nothing
But it’d be better to do a whole lot of nothing
With someone else

Nothing can be so comfortless

Turning at every slightest sound, hoping its someone
Coming to join me in doing a whole lot of nothing
Voices outside invite my mind to wander
And reminisce about the weeks gone by
Visualizing twain situations
The delightful and the repugnant
The pristine and debilitated

Then i stop and entertain the idea of calling you up
What’s the worst that could happen?
I shake my head to clear the poison
Because you hate me now

All i want to do is talk, all i ever want to do is talk
To combat the utter fearful silence that accompanies
A whole lot of nothing.

I hear your voice in my ears
Like the waves of the sea crashing onshore –
Soothing, and continuous;
The sensual cracking and peppery softness making me melt.

Even whispers calm my mind
Inaudibly creating white noise that
Lessens the excitable buzz in me
Normally this wouldn’t be ideal
But with you i’ll make an exception.

Id go on forever about you
Write poems upon poems,
Odes to your hair and eyes
Allusions to your warming personali-tea
Paraphrasing as best i can
The feelings you stir in my heart

******* ******* *******
And your stupid ******* hair
Your personality is what makes you ugly
If you weren’t such a ****, maybe
People would actually like you!
Granted, i had. However, ive been enlightened
I finally understand:
Your stupid ******* hair is what makes you attractive
Along with your stupid blue eyes and stupid smile

But you, i just want to show you off
The bits of scruff covering your cheeks
Add an endearingly unkempt air
Which draws me towards your flannel and turmeric jeans

To put it bluntly, get in my bed.
And we can swim in an ocean of covers
As we exchange kisses and light touches
Fingers skimming under shirts
Running down the outlines of your chest
Lips nibbling, releasing quiet sighs
All the anticipation of seeing you once more
“actions speak louder than words”

coffeehouses and bookshops are obsolete and underrated
i always seem to feel the most comfortable and loved
while the wooden brown furniture and smells of roasting beans
envelop me in transparent steaming tendrils of intimacy

reaching inside to find my inner poetic self
coming up with all sorts of ostentatious phrases
to make my prose sound extremely extravagant
and therefore myself a satisfied troubadour
chronicling my ****** escapades through life and love

agromania
heliotrope
pavonine
quinnat
vorpal
zydeco

don’t i sound special?
It’s the coffee fumes that are finally getting to me
Caressing the recesses of my brain, drawing out streams
Of words that which i do not know the meaning of
Can i be sure they’re even real?
Can i be sure of anything anymore?

“That’s the boy i hate!”
I exclaim as i walk past him again
Anger rooting in my toes
As my feet stomp swiftly towards him
Trying to show off, show that i’m over it

i think i’m annoying you too so that’s a terrible feeling
our conversations haven’t been the same since
i figure you’re busy
but that doesn’t change the fact that my thumbs ache
to turn twenty-six letters into sweet messages for you

in addition to this, you never talk to me
i see you once in a while
maybe get some breakfast
or lunch
or dinner
but i’d like to spend significant time in your presence
you are so upbeat that it lifts my spirit
up to the heavens


boys boys boys

Flicking through pictures and I come across one of you
I stare for a moment, simmering in hatred and bitterness
But I can’t help but break down in loud sobbing tears
Thinking of the sweet times of before and pretty feelings
Sky blue, lavender, rose pink, sunshine

When I’m alone I feel midnight:
Violet, sage, black with twinkling stars
The blackness overpowering those airy colors of happiness
And again washing over, drowning me in my own thoughts

Rage, rage, against the dying of the light
You were my light and now you’re gone
Naturally, I rebel, but I get nowhere
So I’ve decided I’m ceasing my efforts.  

Let’s get coffee and tea and be cute together
(which is my ultimate goal)
Let’s read books and snuggle with each other
Butterfly kisses and fluttering fingertips
Layers of clothing peeled away under layers of blankets
Nibbles on my lips and stubbles poking my cheeks

It’s exactly what I’ve been waiting for.

Poking fun makes me feel better
Laughing about your personality
And your stupid hair and unfitting sunglasses
I never thought I’d resort to this.
I spent the day away and still thought of you.
Never escaping from my brain –
Memories locked up with an iron key

Wanting to be together again
Toes touching toes, knees knocking,
Hands on waists and knotted in hair,
Squished together to transfer warmth and comforting smiles.

I just really, really miss you.
It’s been two weeks.
It’s been five weeks.
I had trouble coping then but maybe
Just maybe
I’m starting to finally feel freed
On the other hand I’m feeling
More of an outcast than ever before

As if I have no one
Lacking human company is really
Starting to wear on my sanity.

“I’m just so tired lately”
I like being alone, but I don’t like feeling lonely
As of late, it’s all I feel
Lonely, disappointed, sad, angry
Morose, excited!, aching, lonely
Even the word itself feels like the emotion it describes

This has been one time too many
I never see you anymore, but that
Just doesn’t seem to bother you
Always spending time together
I can’t even bear to be with you two
All I feel then
Is lonely.

It’s just become part of my personality
Within the last month
All these events arise and lead to my own desecration

My heart conflicts with my head
I crave your scratchy not-quite-5 stubble
But I also try to forget
All the time it’s just taken up by
Forgetting remembering
And feeling lonely.

It blows my mind that you stayed
I thought you were going to leave
Just like last time
I sat, enjoying my night
Until I noticed

You were holding her hand.
You never held my hand.

Two shadows walking under street lamps
So easy to miss, so hard to ignore
The image is burned on the back of my eyelids
Reflecting even in the safe haven
Of my own darkness

Honestly, you have the best timing
Right when I thought I was getting better
I’ve relapsed
And my thoughts have been consumed
With those mocking blue eyes and
Jutting jaw and
Snooty personality

All of your worst qualities
Are those I remember and yet
Those are which I cannot stand
I’ve found someone better, honestly

And he’s just like you

Only improved –
No snotty remarks, no sarcastic “Fantastic”
No rants on the philosophy of our existence
Or short stories with only a beginning

This itself is a beginning
And I intend for it to be
One that makes me finally happy

i thought i was okay
fresh waves of dislike wash over me
as does rain plummeting towards gravity

must you ruin my happiness?

all i want is to cut those final ties
though, knowing myself,
they will always dominate over
my hold on sanity

why can you move on but i cant?
ive tried diversion, ive tried disregarding
my rapid heartbeat when i accidentally
venture near your vicinity

how come this always happens?
focus focus focus
comparing his kisses to yours
no no no
his sleeping habits to your tossing and turning
stop stop stop
its honestly involuntary
reminders reminders reminders

im trying to gain an allergy to you.

For once I feel illuminated, liberated, iridescent.

I sense my low, dejected spirits have
Finally succumbed to the jocular nature
Which resides in my psyche.

Hateful sentiments float away
As black bubbles of negative memorandum
Of weeks quondam and unremembered.

A release comes through clockwork.

After the initial shock it hurt like hell itself
Picked me up in its spindly, flaming fingers
And flung my wretched subconscious
Through eight staggering blades of betrayal
“Et tu, Brute?”

For weeks I have picked up my shattered gasps
Tears ultimately cease, and I inhale

The crisp October breeze.

“it feels like my heart is pressing against my chest”
palpitations, perhaps?
“your hair looks nice like that”
Thank you, its this way almost every day

Half-hearted compliments?
“He had a really big crush on you”
Are you sure?
“when he heard about your boyfriend he was really upset”
Upset for me, or upset for his selfish persona?
“I think this may have finally broken him”

WHY am I the bad guy here?
Ive done nothing wrong but be
A caring friend, a helping hand,
a support cane when I was needed
and what do I get?
“I do not think we should talk anymore”

Sure does show you what friendshit means these days.
Like, excuse me for being a confidant.
Excuse me for not making my feelings clear enough for you.
We were both at fault
But your pretentious, one track-mind is your hamartia
It focuses on philosophy and D&D;
Just remember the girl with the glasses
Who sacrificed sleep through all hours of the night
To ride in a taxi with you

Just
That
Once

my sleepy eyes fog with visions of you
lasting impressions of your bodys indent
aching to be in those arms once again
every inch of you mapped against my back,
my legs,
down to my toes.
nothing can compare to the blanket of your soul.
its vanilla-like mist creeping through my nose
and tickling the inside of my own
for absence makes the heart grow fonder
and fonder does it grow indeed.
ive never before felt such a yearning
to be with another body late at night
interrupting sleep with stolen kisses and quiet laughter
as one anima warms the other
and one form warms the other.
like waves lapping against beach sand
i tangle my fingers in the forest of your hair
and you crush my lips with yours.
theres nothing more than i desire
than the comfort and warmth of your analgesic fire.

you made me forget.

Nothing feels better than the feeling
Of a new body against my own
Drowning out old, unwelcome memories

The pain of my wounds have lessened
The miserable feeling of being ignored
Your courtesy ascends the consuming flames

I think im slowly piecing back together
The jagged cracks of my vulnerable essence
And im finally remembering what its like
For someone to actually give a **** about you






even if its only for a night.

It’s so cold without you here
This room full of recollection
Again takes hold of my heartstrings
And wrenches the marionette-like emotions in my soul.

The temperature change reminds me again
How lonely and desolate the winter can be
Endless expanse of pure white crystalline powder
Reflects the sunshine and my empty memories

I’m not looking forward to the frost of the future

I’m certainly trying to forget the pressure of the past

But I wish to preserve the present.

Because the past is what I need to remember
In order to move on to the future
And embrace the ecstasy of the present.

dreamt of fame since being small --
actress, artist, vet.
fashion designer, writer, zookeeper.
and poetry.

why poetry?

lacking topic,
lacking talent,
lacking a poesy heart.

i
am
broken

the only way to convey dejection
is spilling my words onto parchment
emotional purging for mental empowerment
surprisingly makes me feel better.


I Finally Feel That I Have A Melancholy Heart.

pushing away others may not hurt you
but it kills
the ones
you
dismiss.

you wont let me near – it hurts
to see everything turned over

so much changes in a month.

such a short amount of time
such a significant amount of change.

Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall
Leaves risk their lives, plunging toward pavement
Good thing they’re already dead – if I did that
It would result in my own destruction
Fall results in a renaissance
A rebirth of beauty
Time
Passes
By
Petals peeling away their icy shells, unfailingly bright
Spring again brings life anew as it floats through
Maybe spring will finally ease my inner self
At last moving past the wounded response
Of your scathing sentiments
Time
Passes
By
Sipping tea when it hits me once again
Fall snuck up on my healing heart
Waves of remembrance wash over
Will
This
Ever
Stop

distraction, thats all i need
its what ive been telling myself
doesnt solve my problems
the fact that i long for you
i shouldnt feel this way
you dont care for me, why bother?
those real feelings for you continue
nothing can be helped
i shouldnt feel this way
thoughts of previous times
clouding my brain with memories
i shouldnt feel this way
im sorry that i broke you but you broke me too
i shouldnt feel that way.

its sweater weather
and i want to spend it with you
inhaling soft tendrils of crisp fall
bodies intertwined wearing nothing at all

long walks at midday
comforting silence? – too bad it isnt
the cold begins to rip through my veins
from my lashes and the sky it rains

porcelain teacup warming my nerves
calming my skin and heart
seeking solace in caffeine
i cant continue in this routine

this avoidance, this ignoring
i drag my feet through every day
pretending that it doesnt bother me anymore
the sharp fall air piercing my core

“Suddenly they stared at each other.”
“… not knowing that no endings were bad,”
“If there’s anything older than the old
story, it’s the new twist.”
“Everywhere I go some silly girl asks me
if I’ve read ‘This Side of Paradise.’”
“The last thing he said to me was that
he was going to work so as to forget
that there was nothing worth working for.”
“If you have any decency, you’ll let go.”
“He not only talked but reasoned in phrases.”
“As he grew older those things faded –
after that there was wine.”
“There was nothing, it seemed, that grew stale
as soon as pleasure.”
“Do you think you’re any happier for being a pessimist?”
“He knew that his contempt was unreasonable.”
“It was a hard fight, but I didn’t give up
and I came through.”
“I don’t know. We just go on.”

its 1am and i miss you
laying in bed in the dark
thinking of your guarded soul

its 9am and i miss you
talking, smiling, laughing
on the inside feeling lonely

its 4pm and i miss you
feet crunching withered leaves
reflections of my now-empty emotion

your curls winding around my hands
your breath warm against my neck
your exalting passion as you talk
these are what i miss the worst

Sad, gloomy days --
they remind me of you.

Not because of how it ends,
but how it mourns over
the course of time.

You grieve
and make me grieve.

Sometimes there's a bright blue bit of sky
which makes everything all right for a while.

Nevertheless, the melancholic dripping
resides now in the back of my mind.